Okay, starting over

These are my private thoughts that I know are subject to the publics viewing, however I have decided it's time to put my journey down somewhere and since I spend most of my day at my computer, I figure this would be the best place. If this information about us is new to you, don't be surprised. I recently expressed the feelings below to my sister (my closest friend) and she was shocked. Apparently I have kept these things more private than I knew.

So here goes:

Joey and I are trying to have a baby. We stopped protecting 17 months ago. Through that time I have prayed that God would give us the peace either way. That each passing month would make us stronger and not weaker. I have had and will continue to have complete faith that God will provide and take care of us. My new verse for this season in my life is Psalm 27:14

"Be strong and take heart and WAIT for the LORD."

I am aware that this is a waiting game, and that He's in control.

That being prefaced, there are still many days I feel like a complete mess. I cry a lot, I feel sad a lot and unforutnately anger comes a long with those feelings as well. My cousin (and one of my best friends) recently found out she is pregnant. She has been married a year and I am so happy for her, but this of course stirs up a lot of emotions in me. I hate to report that I spent the day I found out crying in bed. I need to state again, I am VERY happy for her and her husband. But I feel regretably sad for Joey and I. This happens a lot as you I'm sure can imagine. People get pregnant all the time.. all around us, close friends and barely friends. But each time seems a little harder.

The thing is, we want to have a baby of our own, but we also want to adopt. We just figured we'd have a few of our own first. The problem is, the testing alone will probably cost us at least $2000. Then what if they tell us our chances are super slim (without spending at least $15k.. yes these numbers are real). That $2k will seem like it was wasted and it could have gone towards adoption (which costs about $20k.. you can see why the numbers matter...). Yet adoption comes with so many heartbreaks as it is, is it worth going into that without fully knowing we can't have our own baby first?

The frustrations are endless.. they truly are. Which is why I MUST MUST MUST come back to: "Be strong and take heart and WAIT for the LORD." We know He will take care of us, we are His children, His plan for us is good, and not to harm us (Jer 29:11), But our hears hurt in the meantime. All we want is to start our family and have a baby.

If you are reading this, please pray for us. Please pray for our hearts that they aren't shattered through this process. Pray that we CONTINUE to trust in God and that He continues to remind us of His faithfullness. Please pray that God will bring us the right baby in the right time. And we'd be okay with that timing.