I have a ticker!!

I finally figured out how to get a ticker on my blog :-) It's at the bottom of the page!

Painfully yucky in my spirit...

Today I feel yucky inside. I won't lie, it's because of some things I read on blogs. Blogs about adoption.

Sometimes I want to know so badly how things work, and other times I am painfully aware of how nice it would be to remain naive.

I am becoming aware of times that I should stay close to home in the blogworld, and other times I am strong enough to venture out.. today I should have stayed home... maybe even in bed!

I wish that adoption didn't have to be so complicated, but when there are two mothers involved, how can it not be? When one woman is dying inside because of her ache, while another fights with the feelings of pure joy and heartbreak for another... it's bound to result in complications.

Sometimes I can see the benefit (for all) in a closed adoption... other times an open adoption doesn't seem so bad. I suppose it's hardly ever perfect, whatever is decided.

And again I find myself back to praying for our birthmom, whoever she is, wherever she is... she is on my mind.

ahh sadness... I haven't seen you in a while.

Today was a good day, but I was apparently emotional! Maybe it's because I'm tired, or my husband is out of town till monday night (with no cell service), or maybe it's because I saw my cousin and her beautiful new baby at church, or because yet another person announced their unplanned but completely wanted pregnancy, or maybe it's because that's just how life goes.

I teared up twice during church today... once during the song "blessed be your name" during the:

"Blessed be your name
On the road marked with suffering
Though there's pain in the offering
Blessed be your name"

Boy does that ring true...

And I can't even remember the other time. But I wish Joey was here to hold me as I fall asleep. Because I just feel sad. I guess simply because I don't have a baby and I should have had one a long time ago. And yes there is so much hope in adoption, but tonight I can't feel it because there is also so much unknown and so much scariness in adoption.

Adoption is like Organ donating.

To start this post I will say this: I don't know who our Bmom is, where she is, what she is doing or why she is placing her baby. But I know this: I love her. From the bottom of my heart, I love her.

Now, onto why I have decided that I think adoption is like organ donating. When you recieve a new organ, you have to consider all the parties involved, like adoption.

If you're waiting desperately for a new heart, then in a sense you're waiting for someone else to die. I know it's not exactly like that, but you know that when you receive your complete happiness, someone else will be in their deepest despair.

And you can't completely celebrate your happiness without taking into consideration the sadness that another family is going through. It's bittersweet, for everyone.

This is how I view adoption.

There is a woman out there that knows she can't/shouldn't keep her baby. And so her baby will become ours. But if I left the situation without understanding (I use that term very lightly) and respecting the grief that she will face. I would be a selfish person.

I have prayed for our Bmom everyday since we decided to adopt.. and I can only imagine that will continue for the rest of my life. Maybe it will eventually stop being daily, but I know that it will be forever. Because she will be a part of our lives and our hearts forever, even if we were never to see her again.

Another one matched!!!!!!!!!!!

A girl from my T-TTC forum decided to adopt after 5 failed IVFS, and after just three months of waiting they've been matched!!!! (different agency). Her baby is due 10/31!!! I am so elated for her, congrats Libby!!!!! :-)

What if I got pregnant?

It's so strange, but for two straight years all I've thought about, hoped for, prayed for was getting pregnant. And now that we're adopting, it's almost like it's a foreign thought to me.

And even though I have prayed that someday I might get to experience pregnancy, without having to try for it (medically).. it's not really apart of my thinking.

Well yesterday out of no where, I realized I could one day just be late and actually find out I'm pregnant (the old fashioned way!!)

It's almost like when you're infertile, you think that can't ever happen anymore. And for most people it doesn't because they push on with treatments until they get pregnant.. and then there's no surprise in it.

And certainly I'm not expecting anything, or honestly even hoping for it... but I just realized that could possibly happen to us. It's probably not likely (with our new MF DX), but I guess I have just felt like that part of our life was over.... being that we're deemed infertile.

Just an interesting realization.

a month and a half?

It's been over a month and a half since we decided to adopt. I know that's not much time but I can't believe how fast it's flown! I hope the rest of the process proves to do the same!

Also we're beginning the countdown to my SIL's wedding. Less than a month! I guess this day has a lot of significance to me (more than just the wedding that is). I remember when they got engaged fully expecting to have a newborn at the wedding. Then I wondered if I'd be due at the wedding. Then I'd be 7 months pg and 6 mos and so on and so on.. you know the drill.

It had been over a year for us of ttc when they got engaged and I remember saying to my SIL that if I wasn't pregnant by her wedding, I thought I would die.... because that was a year away. And never in my wildest dreams did I actually think I wouldn't be pg!

Well here I am, still VERY MUCH childless. Although I certainly have a different hope now that have decided to adopt. But I still can't believe that I made that statement almost a year ago.. and how much time truly does fly!

I hope that when 10/13 comes all I think about is being there to support my beautiful SIL and not the fact that I am still childless....

What has blogging done to me?

In case you didn't know, when you blog, it's all about you. You can write what you want, and people read it! My blog is in a sense: Rachel's World.

But that's the problem. Because I'm only supposed to be in Rachel's world in the internet.... but lately I find myself being in Rachel's world all the time! I find myself dominating conversations and going on and on about me (I mean doesn't everyone want to hear all about me?) It's not good and it's embarassing! :-(

This is something I struggled with all through high school and college and it wasn't until the last year or so that I have felt I was able to get a hold on it... controlling how much I talk!

I'm sure you're suprised to know that I've been known to be a chatterbox. But I don't like it. It's rude to sit and go on and on about yourself when others have tons of things worth saying and being heard.

But I fear blogging has brought me back to square one! So I am praying about this starting today! God brought me out of Rachel's world once before, I know He'll do it again!

If you know me in real life, please let me know if I'm dominating! I don't want to!! :-0

How well do you know me?

Take my quiz :-)

QUIZ

Adoption as a first choice???

Back when we were still dealing with IF (I say that like it's not a part of our lives anymore, but I think you know what I mean), I was desperately trying to find the answer for how you know when you're ready to move onto adoption. Or how you know you can "come to terms" with adoption over carrying a child in your body.

I was often told that adoption can't be a second choice. And to be honest I didn't really understand how that was possible when we went through 2 years of Infertility to get to adoption.. clearly it was a second choice for us.

But I realized yesterday that I 100% understand and validate that response. I had someone email me asking me how you know, or how you come to terms with adoption. and this was my response to her:

"I appreciate the honesty in the way you worded your questions. I think the truth is, when you're still trying to "come to terms" with adoption, it means you're not ready. I can't explain it, but I too found myself searching for answers and the "cure" to get over IF and move to adoption.. but sadly no one could really give me the answer.

And then it was just like that, both my DH and I were ready. And instead of sadness from BFN's, there was so much Joy for what lay ahead. And we knew we were ready. God gave us an overnight change of heart.

So I don't think I can answer your questions about dealing with not carrying this child, or coming to terms with adoption. But I can tell you this. Until you're ready, please except that you're not ready. It's so necessary to let your heart heal before you move to adoption. Adoption is NOT a cure for infertility.

I was told so many times adoption shouldn't be a second choice...and I wondered how that was really possible when it took 2 yrs of IF to bring us to adoption, which would be our second choice. But I know now that if I had the choice between being pregnant or adopting this baby, I couldn't chose pregnancy. That's how committed I feel to this baby that I know will be ours. I can't explain it, other than I know for us, it's become our first choice."

I know that when we decided to adopt our hearts were in the right place and we were completely ready to move on... but it wasn't until I got that email and replied that I realized just how great of a change it really was for us. And I was praising God through the roof yesterday for the beautiful transformations in our hearts, because I truly can't imagine being anywhere else right now... even pregnant!

For old time sakes: on Infertility

This is for all my lovely girls who are still dealing with Infertility, and for anyone who has a loved one going through it:

If You Are Going Through Infertility
(Read This to Yourself Every Morning)
By K. Elam, RESOLVE of Ga member

If you are going through infertility and you get out of bed in the morning,
You are doing well.

If you are going through infertility and you hold down a job,
You are amazing.

If you are going through infertility and and you are still remotely pleasant to others,
You are a lot nicer than me.

If you are going through infertility and you go to a friend's baby shower,
You are a good friend, a stronger person than me, and I hope they appreciate how hard it is for you to be there.

If you are going through infertility and you cannot go to a friend's baby shower,
You are still a good friend and a strong enough person to know what is best for you.

If you are going through infertility and you decide to do that first IVF,
You are brave.

If you are going through infertility and you decide that an IVF is not something you want to put yourself through,
You are also brave.

If you are going through infertility and you decide to do "just one mroe treatment".
You are strong, and have truly inspirational perseverance.

If you are going through infertility and decide that you can no longer do this,
You have the strength to know yourself and you are wise.

If you are going through infertility and you decide to adopt or use donor egg or sperm,
You have an open heart and are an inspiration to others.

If you are going through infertility and you decide to live child free,
You know your heart and are able to open that big heart to all the children in your life.

If you are going through infertility and you cry daily,
You are normal.

If you are going through infertility and seeing pregnant women or those with babies makes you sad, angry, jealous and worse,
Join the club.

If you are going through infertility and feel like your husband truly understands and is 100% supportive,
He is rare and a keeper.

If you are going through infertility and you have a good support system,
It will help A LOT.

If you are going through infertility and you don't have enough people who understand what you are going through, I strongly recommend going to a RESOLVE meeting.

I'm in a bad mood.

I don't know what is wrong with me, but for old times sake we'll blame it on my period. I have just been in a bad mood all weekend. It has come and gone, but when it comes, it's nasty! Some of the times I have felt provoked, and other times it's just the way it is.

I went to bed crabby last night and woke up the same way! I need to shake this! I think it's time to crawl into my bed, cuddle next to my sleeping husband, open my bible and just pray.

I had two weddings this weekend, I am very very tired, I have a sore throat, and it's possible that I'm getting burnt out. I have done 25 weddings and I have less than 10 left, so that is good! And I am all too thrilled that I have next weekend off (my first since June) and we're going camping! I need an extra week to clear my head before running off to another wedding!

*sigh* time to go get my bible! :-)

an adoption fundraiser for us! :-)

So I don't think I've written about this yet. But my sister and SIL (both amazing photographers!) are doing a fundraiser for us!

They've set aside the last Sunday of this month to take family photos. Each family will get 30 minutes at Como Zoo (beautiful location)! And they'll get a CD of images to use however. They're asking for a minimum donation of $100 and hoping to get 50 families singned up!!! Isn't that amazing?

Here's the flier they made up for the occasion!! Aren't we blessed?
ps click on the image if you want to see if in full version.

blogging and security?

How do we have security in blogging? My blog is public and I have wanted that bc I have wanted everyone and their mother to be able to read as they please :-) I know God has used my blog in big ways in other people's lives! And I praise Him for that!

But what about when my baby comes? Will I really want to post pictures of him/her on here? Of course I will, but should I? What do you think? If you have a public blog would you? Or do you? Do you ever worry about it?

Should I set my blog to private? Or send pics of my baby via email to those who read and want to see? I feel torn :-( I don't want to have to close off my blog, but I also want to be careful and protect our family.

What are your thoughts?

Leslie was matched!!!!!

My friend Leslie was matched yesterday!!! She started 1 week before us!! I am so so so so so so so (did I mention So?) happy for them! It feels very unreal to me bc I know should assume we won't be far behind, but yet I feel like of course it's happened to them, but I still can't imagine it happening for us! I mean I know it will, I just can't even imagine!

I know they're floating on cloud nine, and their baby is due 12/24! So best Christmas present ever! I hope he/she comes early! :-)

Anyways, I had to share the awesome news I got from my friend yesterday!