Update.

So the nurse called and my E2 is at 1270 so they're having me hold menopur tomorrow am (WOO HOO!!) and decrease my follistim from 100 to 75 (started at 150) and I have to go the U/S tomorrow instead of Sunday. So I just hope that everything moves up a bit cuz as of today none of the follicles were big enough, so I hope that they get bigger! But it's all in God's hands and I can't do anything about it so I'm just praying I stay calm and patient!

Also Charlie's surgery is done and everything went well, he'll be at the vet till 3:30 and the Dr said his hip was the worst one he's ever seen! Poor puppers.. I hope he's feeling better soon!

Prayer for a healed heart.

So my family used to live in Oklahoma. I never lived there because my mom was 7 months pregnant with me when they moved back to MN, but they still had friends there that we would visit through our childhood.

Well recently one of those friends (who's my sister's age) came into contact with my blog and has been emailing me encouragement ever since!

This is what I got from her today:

"Tell Joey I'm praying for him, too. Even though it's not his body that's is getting poked he needs the strength and wisdom to be the kind of support that you need. That's what I'm praying for. And for you? Well, aside from the obvious, my prayer for you is that you allow your Savior to heal your heart. To restore the pieces that have been torn away by anger, hurt and disappointment. So that your heart is complete to love this baby you've longed for."

Isn't that beautiful? It's exactly what I need prayer for....more than for a baby. I do want my heart to be healed. I so desire to be the friend that can be happy for her pg friends, or TTC friends. I no longer want to be self focused and sad. I WANT to be me again, but a new me as God's brought me so far! I want to be the Rachel that's heart can freely give again, to ALL those around me :-)

Thank you Amy, and your bible study! :-)

16 follies!!!

I had another U/S this morning and I have 16 follicles. They're growing beautiful, though not ready yet to come out. I have another U/S on Sunday and then hopefully I'll trigger Sunday night and have the ER on Tuesday!!

Also since it's leap year I had to share a cute leap year story. The last time we had leap year was 4 years ago. Well that was just a few weeks before Joey and I got married. And if you know Joey you not he's not overly emotional or sentimental. But apparently he had been counting the days before our wedding came (which I wasn't even doing!). And when he realized it was leap year he was so disappointed to have to add another day to the wait! :-)

Well I had completely forgotten about that and this morning he called me to remind me that 4 years ago and our last leap year, he was counting the days to our wedding.

Sometimes he surprises me!

Oh yes and Chuck is having his surgery today!! So we sort of start all over from the car incident!! But he'll be all better when it's over!

Dreamt about 'A' and the baby last night.

I woke up at 6:30am to the WORST pain from menopur I've ever had, it just hurt like crap today.

Then I went back to sleep and in that time dreamed about 'A' and the baby. I saw them both so vividly (mind you I've never even seen a picture of them) and 'A' had decided to place the baby with us. She signed the papers and handed her to us. We hugged and cried and hugged and cried, then I watched her walk away. And my heart was broken. So broken.

Then I turned and saw the baby, the beauty baby, my beautiful baby. My little brother (Who's 22 and not so little) was playing with her and cooing with her and she was gorgeous.. just gorgeous.

But I was so sad for 'A'. I wanted to adopt her too (in real life! not just in the dream!) But obviously she doesn't need that.

Then I woke up. And now I'm sad. I'm dealing with the adoption hard today. It's hard because my dream gave me a baby and it wasn't even joyful. No matter how the situation turned out, there would be loss. HARD loss. And that's what's so hard about adoption. I know it can be beautiful and I know that people can become great friends, but there is devastating loss no matter how it turns out.

And I can't in my heart truly say I wished it would have worked in our favor, because of how 'A' would have felt. Even though I wish I could be that baby's mommy, I wouldn't want to talk her from 'A'.

When will there be a baby for me?

28 needles and a vag cam.. that sums up my day!

Yes you read that right, between my 4 at home pokes, my blood raw at the clinic and my acupuncture today I had 28 needles in my body today. I'm feeling a bit holy (totally lame but couldn't resist the pun).

Oh and then the vag cam, which is a totally different kind of poke!

I'm on day 6 of stims and today I had 6 follies, 3 on each side all measuring 10. I had 15 smaller ones that I hope will turn into bigger ones by Friday or Saturday! But all in all it's going pretty well!

So that's that!

Yucky yucky, yucky all over.

Okay I don't want to sit and complain about IVF, but if I don't a wee bit, I will look back and think it was easy! And we CAN'T have that! lol

So here it is.

I have about 30 holes in my tummy, MANY bruises, I made myself bleed TWICE tonight, I yawn ALL DAY LONG, I could sleep about 20 hours out of the day, I am continually plagued with a headache, I am way too bloated and when I sit my pants hurt my tummy cuz it's so sore from all the pokes. Even my loosest pants!

So that's that. I'm on Day 3 of my stims and I still have at least 5 days to go, but hopefully no more! I had b/w done today to test my estrodial and the 2 minute blood draw took me over an hour as they apparently were missing their phlebtomist and at one point they had over 29 people in the waiting room!!! (On a Sunday!) But thankfully everything is going well and I can continue on the same does, so that's good!

If everything goes smoothly, it will all be worth it in the end! Right?

Dog for sale: Sold AS IS.

Just kidding. We were teasing about how much money this dog (that we love SO MUCH) is costing us... and said maybe we should try to sell him and mark him "As Is" since he's broken!

But all kidding aside we're feeling better about the surgery and actually found a vet (a good one!) that's in a smaller town (our home town actually) that will cost about 1/2... so that's good!

Puppy update... :-(

So we took Charlie to the vet today because we found he was getting an infection between his toes. And found out his hip came out of place and he has to have surgery next week. He doesn't seem to be in much pain but our pocket books are! :-( I need it to be summer so I can start making some money again! lol....

So that's the update. Could I have any more posts in one day?

Stims started today!

This morning in addition to Lupron I also got a bit ole needle filled with menopur! It's not that the needle is so huge, it's that it's filled with SO MUCH LIQUID!! It took like a minute for Joey to get it all in!!! And tonight we start follistim... so hopefully we don't forget :-P But just in case my alarm on my phone is set for the whole week!

But we're off and running!

My poor pup :-(

So here's some pictures of Charlie since his accident. He's doing much better!

All his bandages and bruises!

So tired from the drugs!

And maybe enjoying the laziness a bit too?

Poor doggie, we have to muzzle him when we're gone so he doesn't rip off the bandages! He already ripped out his stitches!

So that's it... Charlie in all his Not-so-much-glory! :-)

So much to look forward too!!!

Okay so in two weeks I'll be having my ER/ET... so that's exciting. Then on March 14th it's my birthday, and on March 15th my brother is throwing a big birthday bash for me to celebrate my 25th (isn't he wonderful!?) and the on the 20th it's our 4 year anniversary AND match day so we find out where Joey'll be working and if we'll be moving. Then we'll be putting our house on the market because even if we stay in the area we want to move... SO WOO HOOO!!! so much excitement to be looking forward to :-)

So THAT'S why I'm so tired!

Lately I've have been sleeping a ridiculous amount. Taking naps and sleeping in, going to be early, fighting to stay awake etc. I honestly thought it was from all the adoption stuff (which would make sense right?) Today I finally posted about it on the nest and apparently it's a side effect of the lupron! I had no idea!

But it makes me feel better and less lazy!

A letter from 'A's mom.

So... a few days ago my sister wrote a letter to 'A's baby on her blog (click here) And I decided to email it to 'A'. I hadn't heard from her but today I got an email from her mom. I just wanted to share as it's a beautiful letter.

Rachel,

Hi it's 'D' writing to you this time. I was thinking about you guys tonight and I signed on to A's account to get your email address to write you, and I saw the blog your sister wrote. It was very touching. Thank you so much for sending it.

'A' is asleep right now and hasn't seen it yet. I would just like to apologize again for the heartache that you and your family are going through. Although Sydney is a sweet girl, I still cry every day over the loss of my own daughter's childhood, and wish to God things were different. It tears me up inside so much to know the hardships she has to face now that she has decided to keep the baby. I only hope that she has the strength and courage to continue to pursue her dreams.

'A' is still such a little girl herself that I worry that the uphill battle she has in front of her will become more than she had imagined. She is very good with Sydney, much better than I would have imagined, and we have some of the most wonderful friends that are helping 'A' with the baby. It is so ironic the things I feel these days. If Sydney had gone to you guys, I would have had that grief to deal with, and now that she has stayed, I still feel like I have this grief of the loss of 'A's childhood, either way I lost a baby. Does that make any sense?

I had debated with 'A' for weeks before she gave birth to tell her father, because I felt that out of respect, he should know about the pregnancy. Now I wish I had never told him. I truly feel his comments opened up so many emotions for 'A' that she didn't know what to do. I do know that she truly wants the best for Sydney, and that everything she had said to you last Wednesday was the truth, I just think that her love for the baby and her desire to do what was in the best interest of the baby collided.

She knows that you and Joey would have been amazing parents, better than either of us could have hoped for, and I truly believe that through the years you two would have become very good friends with 'A'. I hope that she chooses to contact you, because I would love to know how you are doing as well. Although we have never met, I will always feel a bond to you and your family. We have been through alot for a bunch of strangers! Please take care, and know that 'A' and I still think of you daily.

D

Wow 356!

That's crazy, when I put in 300-400 as an option on the poll I laughed to myself thinking it could never be done! I'm amazed :-). I guess more people than I realized are reading.

I supressed!!

Phew! I had my u/s and b/w today and my ovaries and lining look good to go. So I start my ovary stimulations on Friday and then I have 3-4 appts next week and hopefully the egg retrieval the week after!

an unexpected gift of love....

So there's this girl who hired me to film her wedding back in Sept. I felt an instant connection with her right away as she is a truly delightful person. I absolutely enjoyed her wedding and adored her hubby (who was like the sweetest groom ever!) and a few weeks before their wedding she somehow found my blog.

Since then she has been reading my blog and emailing me offering me nothing but constant support.

Today I received a $100 gift cert from her for a spa!! Isn't that amazing? I asked if she'd take it back but she refused :-)

It's incredible some of the new and amazing friends I have made through this journey and I cherish everyone of them!

THANK YOU MEGAN!!!

My dog was hit by a car :-(

My dog was staying with some family members and he ran away from them (VERY UNLIKE him) and was hit on a highway and we got a call from some guy this morning that he had him. My family got him and took him to the vet where we went and met them. He has a dislocated hip and a big cut but he should be okay :-(

Poor doggie, he's there right now and we have to wait a few hours to go get him, we feel so sad for him and of course this is just more misery to the weekend, but we're just praising God he's okay, I don't know what we would have done if we'd lost him.

Leaving town for the weekend.

I cried more last night and this morning than I knew was possible. And I'm praying it's done for the day. I showered, got dressed up, put jewelry on, painted my toenails and feel great about myself today.
We are going to spend the day together and stay in a BEAUTIFUL bed and breakfast tonight and tomorrow, and pamper ourselves.

I am hoping this weekend can be about us, and not what we lost. I need no reminders, so we'll most likely turn our phones off and won't be bringing a computer.

In case you're feeling a lack of details, here they are. It's really quite simple. 'A' can't go through with it. She cannot lose her daughter. And her mom has come to the conclusion that even if she got the courage to sign, she'd regret it a moment later. So it's over.

As angry and upset as I feel for us, I also feel very happy for 'A'. Happy that she can just move on with her life and start loving her daughter without question or judgement. That she can know they will be together forever. But I also am sad for what their lives might become.

Raising a daughter at 16 will NOT be easy. And I pray that 'A' becomes the kind of mom that puts her daughter first. I hope she NEVER forgets that her
daughter could have had a better life ('A's words.. not ours), so she chooses to never give her less than her best as a mom.

I know you will continue to pray for 'A', and thank you for that. I have to admit I'm very sad for losing them. I have felt such love for her, her mother, and of course the baby. And I am sad that they won't become part of our family. I think when we get back we will write a letter to 'A' and send her some things. Maybe some of the things we had bought for her,
maybe some of the things I bought for us (and our "daughter") or maybe some other things all together.

I hope she can see that even though we are wounded, we truly care for her.

Please know I think we will be okay this weekend. We are postponing the grieving and hopefully it will make it easier when we return to it, to have removed ourself from our house and sweats and bed, to get out of the house and spend some selfish time.

Thank you for everything.

My God... I am YOURS

I left for like two seconds and I faced an attack... clearly not a wise decision on my part. I wasn't really gone you know, I just feel so angry and I don't know where to place it. I feel like I have experienced a death and I don't know how to deal with it. And who is responsible?

I will NOT let Satan defeat me and unless I am under your protection at all times, there's no garuntee...

So I am yours. I'm sorry I said I needed a break, I DO continue to praise you because you are beautiful and wonderful and you will ALWAYS be faithful to me.

How dare you.

I don't know who this "random knottie" is, but this is the meanest thing anyone has ever said to me:

"I think it is about time you move on and stop entertaining the idea of this adoption ever working. It was kinda stupid to even talk to the person that screwed you over so badly in the first place. She probably just wanted more money from you.

I'm sure you'll delete this comment or not let it post, but it needed to be said. The hysteria over this all is just plain annoying.

I really do hope your IVF works and you grow up a lot in the process. "

You don't know me, and you don't know 'A'. She hasn't gotten ANY money, from either us or the agency, NONE of this had to do with money and I think you should figure out who YOU are before you start judging others.

It gets SO much worse: 'A' and adoption.

It's taken me several hours to get the courage to post this. But it has to be done.

On Wed night 'A' called. We spoke to her for an hour and she told us she wanted us to adopt her baby. She knew it was the right thing and she didn't want to be selfish when she wanted so much more for her daughter's life. We agreed that we would fly there on Friday (today) and she would have two more days with the baby. We were thrilled but cautious, so only told immediate family and a few other necessaries.

All day yesterday we waited to see if she signed the papers. I spent all day buying gifts for 'A'. I went to five different stores and found the perfect items. I put them all in a beautiful little box and pulled out all the baby stuff I had packed away that I would need to bring. I bought Joey a onsie that said "daddy's little girl" and myself one that said "mommy's girl" I had a friend over yesterday who brought me a baby gift... it was all so surreal and wonderful, we were going to be parents today.

Then last night we spoke with 'A's mom. 'A' wasn't going to be able to sign the papers.. she wasn't strong enough, she couldn't do it.

I hate the way I felt when I heard that. I felt angry. Angrier than I've been in a long time. But not Angry at 'A'. Somehow I found myself feeling happy for her as I know how much she must love this baby.

But I felt Angry, I felt toyed with and jerked around like some horrible cruel joke has been played on us. I feel like my heart has been ripped out and I have nothing left in me. I want to go to sleep and wake up when it's over.

I can't even find joy in the coming weeks with IVF as I feel certain what is the point? It can just end in m/c. And at our rate, it probably will. And how in the world can I handle that?

I can't understand any of this. Why did God even allow us to be in the situation? Why did he let 'A' even find us? Torture us? And leave us feeling empty?

I don't know where to go from here.. there is no praise left in me. I need to not speak with God for a while.. at least for the day. I can't understand and until I have some space between this horrible mess, I'm not sure I have it in me to ask Him questions I know I won't get answers to.

We had a daughter, and now she's gone. That's how it feels.

From my mom.

I love this. Just love it.

I cannot bring myself to.....

This is a phrase that could be followed by any number of things:

-make my bed
-pick up my clothes
-take a shower
-be a good leader in the ministry I do
-talk to people on the phone
-talk about 'this' to people on the phone
-talk about 'this' to people on the phone or in person
-put on a happy face when I can't
-cry, because it takes too much out of me

These things might seem ridiculous and I actually had several very good hours today, but I' m just deflated. We took a beating. An emotional beating that needs time to recover.

I know I will be able to move on with IVF full force at some point... but I don't know how long it will be until I can stop grieving what could have been. I don't think I realized how emotionally attached I was to the situation until it was so evident it was over. In a split second my life could have changed forever... in a way we were completely ready to embrace. And then in a split second it did change forever, in a way we hoped it wouldn't have to.

I'm tired. I don't feel myself. And I don't have the energy for a lot of things right now.

What I need you to take from this situation.

If I could ask a favor of you, it's to take a few things away from this situation we just went through:

1. Please never say to someone with trouble getting pregnant "just adopt". There is truly no such thing as "just adopt". Obviously you can see all the heartache that can go into adoption (for the second time for us) and not to mention the finances involved, paperwork etc. It's not usually very simple. I know people think they're helping by reminding an infertile couple they have other options, but trust me, they know what their options are... I'm sure they've considered adoption before and weighed against it for one reason or another.

2. Please do NOT use this as a horror story. I cannot understand why when we told people that we were adopting they felt the need to relay every adoption horror story they'd ever heard. Yes bad things can happen in adoption, and it sucks, but telling me all about them doesn't ease my fear of pursuing it, only worsens it. I would never tell someone at their wedding "you're aware there's a 50% chance you'll end up divorced right?" or to a newly pg person "you know that 25% of pregnancies end in miscarraige right?". So I BEG You... please do NOT feel the need to share this story with someone you know that's adopting as a possible outcome for their adoption... they do not need to hear about when adoptions go wrong.. they already have their own set of fears.

3. Please do not judge someone who feels the need to try every single resource there is possible out there to try and conceive a baby on their own when there are "so many needy children out there". It is not your place to tell them how you feel about it.. and as #1 says there's no such thing as just adopt.

4. Please do not ever forget that the birthmother is just like any women in this world who gives birth, she loves her child. And even though she may have considered placing her baby in the arms of another couple, does not mean she doesn't have the right to take that baby home and love him/her. Birthmothers are not bad people, they deserve the same amount of respect as adoptive parents (did I say same? I meant more....) because when abortion is such an easy answer to the "problem" and yet they chose to give their child life for 9 months and then birth them and then watch them go away with someone else, is more than I can even understand. They are truly brave people and I couldn't ever judge someone for that. Please do not think they ever wanted to "give" their baby away, or that they in some way don't want their baby. Both of those things are false in 99% of adoption cases.

Please know that I am not in ANY way saying ANYONE has said or done these things to me in any way. But I can see how easy it would be to walk away from a case like this and feel certain ways and say certain things as a result. We're all human. So I'm just educating you... not in any way scolding you.

Thank you for taking time to read this and for your continued support and prayer of us as well as 'A' and the baby.

We're assuming it's over.

We spoke to 'A's' mom for a long time tonight and while we understand that SHE wants 'A' to place the baby (being a single mother herself at 19, knowing how hard it was), Joey and I are under no circumstances expecting it to happen. For now, 'A' has taken the baby home, has named the baby and is parenting the baby and we don't believe she's planning on that changing.

So while we're still open if things were to change, we told the case worker we no longer need to be informed of daily "nothing" updates.

We need to feel as though we can move on with our life.

If you are my friend of family in real life, please understand that I need some time. For now I just want to be alone. I would prefer not to be on the phone and while I'm sure people will want to email their support, I don't know that I will have it in me to reply. Please don't think I'm being rude, I cannot thank everyone enough from the bottom of my heart for all the prayers, encouragement and support, it means more than you could ever know, I think I just need some space.

Since I'm sure you want to know how I feel: I feel like my heart cannot possibly handle anymore hurt. But we willingly put ourselves in this position that could lead to this, so I feel as though we did this to ourselves. But I honestly do not know that I can handle this anymore. I know that 'A' has every right to parent and she loves this baby and I want her to be with her baby, I would never want to take a mother away from her child. I just wish there was another baby, that we could have. That we could hold. That we could love.

I sometimes look around this world and feel amazed to see that acheiving parenthood does not appear to be a difficult task. From the world's view, it's something that's harder to avoid than it is to obtain. So what I can't figure out is why in the world is it so hard for us? I don't know that there exist people who want to be parents more than us, the same sure, but more? I don't know how it's humanly possible. But no matter how close we are to IVF, it feels like it's almost not possible.

So as I sit and ramble, to wrap it up: I'm miserable in my heart, I'm logical in my head and I'm in major need of more prayer and some space. If you call please do not be offended if I reject your call, I know that you care. If you email please understand I will probably not email you back, and if I don't make plans with you, please don't be mad at me.

I just need to move on and be sad for a while.

I suppose I should update....

Don't get too excited, I don't have much to offer.

But here's what I can tell you. 'A' discharged herself from the hospital last night and took the baby to an extended family members. Someone of the age not able to help much. She hasn't made a decision one way or ther other.

I wish I could tell you she just wants to parent and that's why she hasn't made a choice, but that's not the impression I'm getting. Don't get me wrong, I'm sure she's considering it.. but there's something going on and no one seems to know what it is. At this point she doesn't have the ability or support to parent this baby on her own. I'm sure she could make it work, but it will not be easy for her.

I don't really know how to feel. The case worker said she's never seen anything like this and she wouldn't be surprised if this went on for another week.

We obviously have a deadline as we will start having IVF appts at which point we won't be able to get our money back from the shared risk program and we can't afford to do both.

And I am not certain how much more of this we can take. We know we're not the most important part of the equation, but we're still a part of it and it's exhausting.

Unfortunately at this time we don't feel peace about withdrawing our place and so I guess at this point we just continue to pray.... for A, for the baby, for A's mom and for our own sanity.

The longer this goes on the stickier the situation... for everyone.

I slept great!

Thank you to those of you who prayed we would sleep well last night. After we prayed together we fell asleep about 10:30. Then I woke up to my sweet sweet husband with a needle ready to stab my gut :-) So I got 8 great hours of sleep!

It would be far fetched to say I was "rested", after this past seven days I think I'd need a month of naps and 8 hours nights to feel caught up (will a baby allow time for that I wonder? lol)... but for today I feel good and ready for the day.

I just wish Joey didn't start his rotation today! I want him to be with me when I get the news and if it's bad I DON'T want to tell him while he's at work. But he's insisted that I call him! I'm praying for HIM that it's good news... I know how much he wants this.

But I also find myself thinking about 'A'. Last night she was at the hospital but it was more of a hotel because nurses and whatnot weren't checking in on her and she didn't have the option of the nursery. I wonder what it was like for her to take care of the baby by herself overnight. I wonder if she's exhausted! She's already gone through a labor and delivery and then an exhausting weekend of confusing and indecision. Then to add a night with a newborn...

I hope that when she goes home she can take some time to rest up and "recoup" from the physical exhaustion. And we will be continuing for a LONG time to pray for her heart in the loss of her daughter. I have no idea how she's feeling, but I try to imagine and it's not pretty :-/

What a fool I was...

In the summer of 2005, shortly before Joey and I started TTC I was in a Beth Moore bible study at church. In the study book I was asked to be real with God and tell Him what I was afraid of, this is what I wrote:

"I am afraid my faith isn't real. I'm afraid that if I endure a hardship my faith will fall and I will be proven a fraud: to myself, my family and worst... My God."

How could I not have seen? Clearly God would allow me to endure suffering as I basically ASKED for it!!!

In the words of Homer Simpson "DOH!" lol.

I cannot regret what I said to Him. How could I? God has brought me so far and shown me so much... and without infertility, I don't know I would have allowed him to bring me where I am today.

So although I pray the suffering will be over soon, I asked for it! And my fears were relieved. My faith is real. This relationship with my God is beautiful and true and I will never again question that... He has shown me.

For that I am thankful.

We WILL know tomorrow.

All the waiting will finally come to an end. 'A' will be discharged from the hospital sometime tomorrow and she will NOT bring the baby home with her (her words not mine). So either us or the estranged family member will be bringing the baby home.

Please pray for her as she must relinquish her baby. Please pray for us that we are at peace with whatever she decides. Please pray for the family member that if she chooses us they will not be hurt (we found out the offer to parent the baby was sort of a half offer... so hopefully there wouldn't be hard feelings.)

Good night.

I need to ask: How are you all doing?

I really feel like all of you, my friends, my family, my random internet friends need a little support right now :-) Everyone seems to feel a little insane about this situation. And since Joey and I still feel so peaceful about it, maybe we can help :-)

I can't believe the amount of support we've had pouring in from every direction.. but everyone I talk to seems to be on the verge of a nervous breakdown.. lol.. even my mom said she had a mini breakdown yesterday.

But we ARE doing ok. Yesterday not hearing anything was really hard. But we kept trusting and we heard this morning.

And we hope you're doing okay too!

update.

Okay so our case worker did email us yesterday but it somehow got replied to another person working on the case so we never got it as it went to her! She felt terrible when she realized we never got an update.

To this point nothing has been decided but it sounds like A doesn't want to parent. But a family member that they don't have a great relationship with has offered to parent. The gramma says no but the bmom, A, is considering.

So that's where we're at. Of course we understand if she chooses family over us, but it sounds like that might not be the best choice for the baby or A. So we'll see.

Started Lupron this morning.

Lurpon is the first injection in our IVF protocol. It starts today and goes for the next few weeks (later we add in more injections)

We decided to start it and go along with the schedule since we have absolutely no clue what's happening with the adoption and we don't want to delay IVF. And since Lupron is an ovulation suppressor.. it's not going to hurt to be on it.

It was actually good to start it as it has taken our mind a little bit off of the adoption and moved towards IVF.

So that's where we're at. We never heard from the case worker last night so we're REALLY hoping she decides to call this morning and update us.

About the calmness... it's not me!

I think it would be blasphemous (I'm pretty sure that applies to this situation) if I didn't give credit to where credit was due.

For those of you who know me... you know this person is not me. I have been known to be a control freak, bossy and the person who just makes what I want happen. This insane amount of calmness I feel, it's straight from God. I feel as though I have been completely transformed from who I was two years ago. He has just made over my heart, my attitude and who I am.

Yesterday as I was in the midst of the anxiety, I sat down and started reading my bible. My heart was completely calm and I heard God speaking to me through the scripture I was reading.

THIS IS NOT ME. It's God. He has given me this strength and I can't claim it for my own. If I did, I fear he'd allow me to crumble back into the old Rachel... and trust me NO ONE wants that :-)

So just had to clear that up!

Benedryl only works so well...

So imagine this, last night I couldn't sleep! I was out of my mind exhausted and my body wouldn't let me get there. But the worst part was I was so tired I was nauseous. I kept running to the bathroom... All beacuse I was exhausted (motherhood is going to be a rude awakening isn't it?!).

So finally at almost 1am I took a benedryl. It knocked me out and I slept great. But now here I am at 6:30 am wide awake :-( I should have taken two!

Joey on the other hand has been snoring solidly since 11pm and no doubt will sleep a few more hours. I'm so jealous!

But it's a new day with a new light (when the sun finally gets up with me!) and we're praying extra hard for A today.

UPDATE!

We spoke to the case worker for half an hour and although no decision has been made the other couple has decided this isn't a right fit for them. So it's between us and 'A' choosing to parent.

A blogger friend of mine D adopted a baby girl about a month ago and was so okay up to the day her baby was born about their b-mom changing her mind. She even put together a bag of baby stuff in case she chose to parent. I honestly thought she was crazy (no offense D!) but now I get it.. I really get it. There's a girl and her BABY involved. Weather she's fit to parent or not, she loves this child and that won't change. So if she chooses to parent, we will be sad yes. But we will understand. Because this isn't our child.. it's hers.

We are in a good place. God is in control and He is in the center. We know HE will take care of us, A and her baby. No matter what happens.

So I will update you more tomorrow!

Oh and I should mention they haven't said that they are considering not placing.. we're just being realistic knowing that's still an option.

I think we're going to bed now.

I cannot imagine that we'll be hearing anything tonight. So we're going to put a movie in and hopefully get some sleep. I'll post as soon as we hear.

oh the support....

My mom said her phone is ringing and texting off the hook. We have certainly exceeded our what use to seem unending texting privelages. And we're 1 week into our phone bill and are ALMOST to the max .

And now I get this from a friend on the nest:

"DH and I are refreshing between the nest and the blog, we can't seem to stop, just waiting for you to post.... well, ANYTHING!!!!I can't believe this is happening. I can't believe how you must be feeling. I can't believe that you're still CONSCIOUS!!!!!

I have a hunch that she's somewhere in our state. I have this urge to start driving past hospitals screaming "If you're not ready to parent, Choose Rachel and Joey!!!!! They're awesome!!!"

Oh my it's SOOO wonderful to have so many people sitting on pins and needles for us. All for this one little baby! If she ends up in our arms... what a story she will have... so many people making such a fuss for one tiny little baby girl!

Willing my phone to ring!!!!!!

When in the world is it going to ring? When are we going to hear? When will the craziness be over!!!

And ps... please know that just because we're dying of anticipation does not by any means mean that we're not praying so much for A and this decision. We cannot even imagine the decision she is facing and the delivery that came so unexpectedly. And we're fully aware she might be deciding to parent, and if that's the case, we 100% support that decision. She is a good girl and has a strong relationship with her mother, they would make it work and this baby would be so loved, NO DOUBT.

but until we hear, please feel free to vote on my new poll :-)

She had the baby!!!

A went into labor last night and had the baby girl. They still haven't made a decision.. but most likely will be tonight. They don't want the baby to go into foster care.

Will update later.

Is our devotional prophetic? I hope not!

Our devotional book we read every day has been interesting this last week to say the least.

The day after we learned of A, we read about adoption. I kid you not.

Then they had a 2 part series on "A clash of wills" meaning when our will clashes against God. Okay....

We decided last night to look up ahead to today.... "the best of times and the worst of times"

We read through it this morning and it was talking about leaning on God even when things don't go our way.

Oy.

A weekend with Tuck Tuck

So the weekend my sister had Trigg, we got to take tucker (18 months) home with us. We had him from Saturday to Monday. It was heaven. We were NOT ready to give him back and Joey still can't figure out why Melissa and Bill need him when they just had another kid! (what a dope!). I didn't take very many pictures from the time cuz I just wanted to enjoy him.. but I did get a few of course!

Wondering where his razor is.....



Tuck trying to go potty before his bath (it's what his older brother does. But it's so cute cuz his penis doesn't even come close to reaching the toilet! He doesn't seem to notice)


Yes... that is a dog treat. Sorry miss but it was too cute to NOT take a pic of! (not that you even care! lol...)


So cute... he's trying to share.

Do you think joey likes it?

My new hair color.

So I know everyone wants to see my hair (as there's nothing more important to discuss on this blog right?) Well here it is. There's more blonde in it than it looks in the pics, but it's definitely not a drastic blonde, more like a light brown with highlights. It was a good place to start. I might go lighter next time, or even darker. But I am happy with it.

My dog... has issues.

My dog is scared of EVERYTHING. There is nothing in this world he is not scared of. He loves four people: Me, Joey, My mom and My dad. I'm pretty sure that's it. (and he does very well with the kids.. but love? that's pushing it) He was even on anti-anxiety medications for a while. Sadly it didn't help.

He spends most of his day in the bath tub. I kid you not. The first thing he does when we come home from somewhere else is run upstairs to the bathtub. We think it gives him a sense of security. Why? I don't know.

Well tonight, he has found a new home sweet home. Obviously we put him in there.. but he wanted back in as soon as we took him out. Sad? Yes.

This is hard.

Surprisingly right now I'm doing okay. But this has been the most draining few days of my life, I swear!!! We will find out tomorrow if the birth mother has chosen us. We have a 50/50 chance. And yet somehow those odds don't seem good. But there's still a HUGE chance we will be chosen right? So why does 50% not seem good?

I know it's 50% because A has had a hard time choosing between us couples because apparently we're both equal in her mind.

But it's hard! What if she doesn't chose us? Will we feel rejected? Not good enough? Or will we just remember God has a plan for us and this baby must not have been in it?

I can't predict how I will feel tomorrow when we get the call. I just hope that I don't disappoint God. And I hope the call comes early!

Our Crazy world.....

Are you ready for this post? Seriously take a hold of your seat cuz this gets crazy. Last week we got an email from Debbie who now is working at a pregnancy crisis center. (used to run our agency, and still owes us money). She asked if she could show our profile to a Bmom who might be interested in us, and then sending us to another agency (the one that took over all her cases when the agency fell apart... the investigator said they were a very reputible agency). I said sure. And thought nothing of it.

So Tuesday we got a call that we have been chosen to parent a baby!! We spoke with the bmom and grandma that night for quite a while and they said they'd be making a decision soon. Found out the next day Debbie had jumped the gun in telling us we were chosen and she hadn't yet but it was between us and another couple. She's due 2/21 so yes.. that's 14 days from now!!!!

The initial excitment of thinking we'd been chosen was then shattered by disapointment of knowing we hadn't, but we're praying very hard that the RIGHT decision is made... weather that includes us or not.

We know that A the bmom, is having a hard time chosing between us and the other couple. We of course are very hopeful it would be us, but we have to remember that the other couple is dealing with all this junk too and would of course deserve this baby girl as well.

Be praying for us... if this works out we would forgo IVF until a later time and bring home this baby girl to be ours!! And if it doesn't we will start IVF officially on Sunday and hope to not be too hurt from the rejection.

Trigg is here

My sister gave birth on Saturday at 12:20 am to Trigg Favre. He is perfect and beautiful! I filmed the whole thing and threw together a very short video (under 4 minutes)... it's pretty fun if you want to watch!

Trigg

Did you vote twice?

I can't even believe that there are over 100 votes on my poll! I have to ask, did some of you vote more than once? Joey confessed he hadn't voted yet so I told him I could do it while I was on the internet and he said "give me five blondes please" lol... so I got to thinkin.. maybe some of you did the same!

Ps I only allowed him 1 blonde :-)

A night with the kiddos.

Okay so as a welcome home to ourselves we decided to enjoy a nice overnight with our neice and 4 nephews. They are 18 months, 18 months, 3, 4 and 5. It was fun to say the least! :-)

My house before they arrived.

After. I'd love to say this was many many hours later.. but it wasn't.

Me and my Tucker man.

All the kids... lovely? Not exactly flattering. But they were having fun.

Three little monkeys jumping on the bed....

thankfully NONE fell off and bumped their head :-)

Yay for breakfast.

no he's not saying "talk to the hand" lol.

Ella and Oran always hugging

Sweet baby boys. They are 2 weeks apart.

Me and my Jackie Man.

Do you think he wants to be a daddy? We'd steal them if we could!

Hog Pile on Uncle Joey! (yes we all crashed)