I'm tired

We had a long weekend of working on our house and moving. We haven't completely moved in, but we've gotten a ton of the projects done at our house and most of our stuff is moved there. But I am tired and sore from painting all day on Sat.

In IF news we're still waiting (like normal). I'm 9dpo and I'm just waiting for AF to show up. When that happens I can schedule my b/w and HSG. If for some reason it doesn't come, then I get to POAS (pee on a stick). Judging by the way my body feels, I'm expecting AF.

If you need help with the above abreviations:

IF: Infertility
DPO: Days past ovulation
AF: aunt flo/menstrual cycle
B/w: Bloodwork
HSG: hysterosalpingogram
POAS: Pee on a stick

Nothing like packing to take your mind off sorrows

Man, I thought packing to move completely out of our house what hard!! NO WAY, this is way worse! We have so much junk shoved into this tiny little room in every single corner and empty space. I am throwing tons of stuff that I know I don't need to bring home with me, but I still feel guilty throwing away perfectly good stuff.... and the garage sale is already over :-)

But in the mean time it occupies my mind with other things.. hopefully this 2ww (2 week wait) will be over before I know it. I'm only on 4dpo (4 days past ovulation)!

Well hello tears, I haven't seen you in a while...

This has been an interesting week for me. Although I have a newfound hope with our plan moving forward, I still have cried several times this week, and not just a little, but a lot. I haven't really cried a ton in the last 2 months so 3 times in a few days is a lot!

I think for so long I have focused on getting pregnant and being pregnant. But lately I've let myself drift into the land of imagining motherhood and what I will be like with a baby and Joey as a daddy and what a void we really have in our life right now not having any children. Going down that road brings a new sadness in my heart. One I'm not sure I can handle, so I can't venture there often.

Don't get me wrong, I love the time Joey and I have together and have had for over 3 years now. But it's time. We have the hearts of parents and it's time to take the next step. There's no doubt about it, we are ready. And I believe we will be better parents because of it. Not better than the next guy, but better than we would have been had we gotten pregnant 2 years ago, or our first time trying. We will be better because we know what it means to fear not having a family and we will be more ready for it than we ever could have been before.

For that, I am thankful.

Update: We have a PLAN!!

We saw the RE yesterday and it went really well! We walked away with a plan, which we are so relieved about :-)

I am scheduled for a few blood tests and an HSG for this next cycle (sometime in June). The HSG is a fancy ultrasound that will make sure my tubes and uteris are clear and in working order.

We have been diagnosed with unexplained IF which means there's basically no reason for us not getting pregnant.

In July after the tests we will start Intra Uterine Inseminations (IUI) which are also known as artificial inseminiations. We are hoping the first one works but we can do really as many as we want.

These should really increase our chances of getting pregnant and since we have no known reasons for not "working" we're really praying these work!!!

Thanks for caring and praying.

Rachel & Joey

coincidence? I think not!!

Okay so we will be leaving in like two minutes for our first reproductive endocrynology (RE) appt!! But I have to share, so my sister and I had a garage sale yesterday and although it's not done, I took away $200 from it. Then I was given a gift of $100 for our appt today from someone very special to me (not sure I should share who?), then I got home and had a $85 rebate check from excel from the storm that left us powerless 21 months ago!!

All totaling: $385.

Guess how much our appt costs today (we have to pay upfront)? $385!! Wow. I hadn't even considered God would be so obvious in His ways! But I guess He is! Now I feel 100% at ease going to this appt. I believe that was His way of letting me know we're on the right track! :-)

Boo for bad insurance!

So I decided it was time for a reality check. I pulled out the fee schedule for our RE and added up what our initial testing was going to cost. $2997. Yep, and that doesn't count the $700 we've already spent with the OB. Too bad our money is going to be gone before we know it :-(

It would be so much cheaper to just get drunk and knocked up. I'm sorry, that was uncalled for, I'm just frustrated. :-/

2 days left!

We have less than two days until we're sitting in the dr's office for our two hour consultation. A friend advised me not to have any expectations of the visit, and I don't, but I am just so elated to get this going! I feel like we've wasted all this time trying on our own when it obviously isn't working! So getting the help we need is just one step closer to having a baby of our own!!

I also just have to point out to any of those who think, "trying is the fun part", please stop saying things like that. Trying is only fun for like a month, maybe two or three.. after that (and certainly after 20 months) it becomes a job: a tiring, straining, irritating, hard job. Don't get me wrong, we have a healthy sex life, but there is one time a month when it's not fun, no matter how much we want it to be, or pretend, it's still just a reminder of what isn't working for us when it seems to come so easily for everyone else.

Stepping off the soapbox now. (and I really apologize for being on it in the first place, but this is one of the HARDEST things to hear from a fertile person. If you haven't been there, you just can't know).

I'm crying over friends!

Wow, this day came out of no where, tears are flying everywhere!!

I'm laying bed watching friends and Chandler and Monica are at their adoption interview. There's a mix up and they end up lying about who they are. When they fess up the girl doesn't want to give them the baby anymore. Chandler tries to explain to the birth mom and he ends up trying to convince her to still give them the baby. His schpeel about why how he can't give his wife a baby and how he'll learn to be a good dad, but his wife is already a mother, just one without a baby, just threw me over, I just started bawling!!

I'm such a baby!!!

It wasn't suppose to be this hard.

That's it. It wasn't! You're suppose to decide you're ready for a baby, do the deed and get pregnant. Plain and simple (sorry to be a bit vulgar!).

You're not suppose to wait and hope and pray and cry for 20 months and still have no sign of being pregnant. And the decisions!!! They're endless: financial, emotional, spiritual, physical (just to name a few)!

Last week Joey and I were on our way to cancelling our appt and moving towards adoption. And this week, we've decided to keep the appt. I honestly feel like we don't know what we're doing! I feel so frustrated, I pray and pray and I feel like God doesn't give me much. I see His work all around me, but lately it seems like I can't hear Him!!

And after the flu bug on Thursday/Friday I still feel icky in my stomache, and I don't know if it's truly from the bug, or if it's because I feel so uneasy about everything. I just wish Joey were home, I could use a good shoulder to cry on!

Speaking of Joey, in the last three weeks I have heard him say at least ten times that something made him sad (a new OB patient, seeing a pg woman, a baby etc) This is truly the first time through this process he's shown any kind of emotional involvment other than supporting me. It's hard knowing it makes him sad too, but it's so much better than feeling like I'm all alone in this! For that I praise God! I need to know that my husband is with me in this. And I finally do.

Dear Abby on Mother's day

Thought this was interesting in Dear Abby:

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DEAR ABBY: On Mother's Day, our church has a tradition of asking all the mothers in the congregation to stand for a blessing and recognition of their importance to our community and the job they are doing.

My wife refuses to stand and be recognized by our community as a mother. She says she won't do it because there are some women in our church who are not standing, and some of them might not be able to be mothers and may be hurt at the recognition the others are receiving.

I realize that infertility may be a great loss to them, but these women live with it every day. I doubt that our church's annual recognition of mothers will add more pain than those women already endure. Don't you agree? -- PROUD HUSBAND AND FATHER IN THE MIDWEST

DEAR PROUD HUSBAND AND FATHER: No, I do not agree. Your wife is a woman with unusual sensitivity and empathy for the feelings of others. I respect her stance on remaining seated, and so should you.

Flowers on mother's day

I read a quote recently that said,

" Thank you for asking, I am a mother; I just don't have any children yet"

I thought this was a great quote. Women who suffer through miscarriages or IF are mothers at heart, we just haven't been given a child to mother yet!

Mother's day, as you can imagine, can be a very tough holiday for those who've had M/C or IF. So many women are praised and adorned right in front of us (at church for example) while we sit back wishing so badly for what they're praised for. Many women even feel shame for not being able to step up and be apart of that group. While I don't struggle with shame, I do feel the sense of loss. I'm grieving a child that doesn't even exist.

So I emailed my associate pastor at church and informed him I would be sending over a boquet of tulips for the front of the church. I asked him is when they made the mother's day speech (ask women to stand and be applauded etc), if they would mention that the flowers in the front are for women who have suffered m/c or are going through IF. For they are mothers at heart.

I am very excited about this idea and I hope it will spur them to continue to do it from years on out. Hopefully next mother's day I will have a child of my own, or at least be close! But for now, this is for the women in my church who feel like me. (oh and by the way, we won't be at church on mother's day, we're doing the walk for the cure... so no selfish intentions here!! I'm tired of feeling selfish, so this feels good!)

I posted this idea on my nest board and low and behold, four other women got on the ball and emailed their pastors as well. What a great way to share God's word. The internet! :-)

Well that's it, I just wanted to share that this mother's day would hopefully be slightly less painful for many women in my church and other churches around (I plan on hounding my dad to do the same at his church!).

Great quote

I saw this quote today and it pretty much sums up how I feel inside about Infertility:

"The problem with infertility is that I am mourning children that do not exist, and I'm the only one that misses them."

Still hanging in there..

I'm still doing good, although I did have an emotional breakdown today (inside, not on the outside!) I got an offer to have an appt with the Dr 11 days early and Joey said no because of his schedule. I don't know why but for like 2 seconds, the thought of seeing the Dr 2 weeks earlier felt like such a ray of hope in my life. And then 2 seconds later it was dashed. It was stupid.. completely stupid... I wished it wouldn't have happened :-(

Also today I had a terrible realization. I realized that because we're having issues getting pregnant and I'm to the point where I am starting to assume it might be 2 years (At least) before we get pregnant (we're on month #20) I find myself feeling entitled to a certain amount of respect. Like if I finally do get my BFP (big fat positive) that I should somehow deserve more attention, or excitement. Or in the meantime I should deserve praise for what I've been through. It's a really terrible place to be, because I know I don't deserve a child anymore than the next person and I certainly am not interested in becoming prideful about something as horrible as infertility!! If I'm going to have pride, let it least be about something worth boasting over! I know this is something I seriously need to start praying about because this is a bad place to be and I don't want to feel entitled, or worthy or have any prideful thoughts when God finally does choose to bless us with a baby! (or in the meantime).

This is something I could definitely use prayer for.

Thank you. From the bottom of my heart. Thank you.

Not much new here

I see it's been a while since I've written again. Really there's not much new here. I'm just enjoying a week off before the wedding season officially starts.

I'm also anxiously awaiting our dr appt in two weeks. I really feel like everything is weighing on that.

Anyways, just wanted to give you an update. I'm doing alright.

Thanks!