Winter wonderland.

More Christmas joy! Here we are in our festive colors :-)

This is right outside Joey's parents house... gorgeous.

So why not take pics in the snow?! :-)

Snowflakes in the eyes.

I love this man.

Cross country skiing.. it all looks good and well right?

WRONG!

more wrong!

Doubly wrong!


I'd like to say that these were all one time of falling down.. but sadly, they were not!

I know my beefs not with you...

Why is it so hard to have people around you get pregnant? As I sat in an OBGYN exam room for an hour and a half waiting for my Dr to come (got called to a delivery...perfect.) I knew there were TONS of women in the rooms around me that were celebrating their excitement over pregnancy. Meanwhile I sat in the room freezing cold, half naked and annoyed wishing I didn't have to explain to the nurse that while I was currently on no meds, starting in a few weeks I'd be on a box full of them.... and while I waited, I had time to think and read.

Someone wrote into Dr. Phil in the Oprah magazine asking about how not to push friends with kids and pregnancies away but without killing herself emotionally in the meantime. And good old Dr. Phil made her feel like a fool. She shouldn't feel this way, she wasn't helping anything, they aren't the problem yada yada yada.... no real advice in my opinion. But then he said something that struck me:

"If you took away all their children would you be more happy? no. So clearly they're not the problem".

But I decided I don't think he's right... not about people's children, but their pregnancies. If no one around me was pregnant, my infertility would still suck. Yes. But because I'm surrounded by people who get pregnant so easily, it makes it WORSE. I am aware it's NOT SUPPOSE to be that way, but that's how it is.

I know that my infertility is the thing I'm mad at, and not other people's pregnancies, but every pregnancy makes it worse, and harder, and suckier and makes me feel less hopeful.

And so to Dr. Phil I say "You're not infertile, don't pretend to know the right answers to things you know nothing about" (this truly has nothing to do with Dr. Phil, just mere coincidence.... I swear...)

As I count the months it has taken us to try and have a baby, and know we're still months away from achieving our goal (or sadly maybe even more), and then to have someone walk up and just "whoosh" one swing of the bat and they have the very goal I'm trying to desperately to obtain.. it sucks. Really bad. And it does make it worse. Would I be happy with my infertility if no one around me was pg? Nope, not one bit. But it might hurt less.

And that's just the way it is.

13%....not very good.

We got the results of the SPA test back (sperm penetration assay) and Joey's little guys didn't do so good. Our number was 13%. I think joey's looking at it optimistically.. but I look at it like this, if I get 10 eggs out for IVF and we tried to let them fertilize naturally.. our odds are that 1 would take... those are not good numbers.

So ICSI here we come. If we get a good amount of eggs, we'll try to have some fertilize naturally.. but I don't want to waste any....so we'll see. But at lease we're one step further, knowing really why we aren't pregnant. And I'm very glad we've decided to do IVF. Clearly IUI's would have been a waste of time and money and so we're hoping IVF w/ICSI will do the trick for us!

Christmas time!!

Well we've been at my parents house for the last few days having several christmas celebrations already and with two more to go! Here's a few pics :-)

My bro and his baby :-)

Our Mary, Joseph and the Wise man.

Nana Barb and her babes....

My sister and I :-) Do you think we look alike? We don't but we hear it alot...

SOOO FUNNY!!! It's business time.

OH MY GOSH.. this is the funniest :-)

The meds are here!

Well here they are! And sadly I'm still missing two things!!

And just a sampling of the millions of needles we now own! :-0 My poor bum and stomache!

Our 2007 Christmas card

Just thought I'd share our letter and pic from this year!

Dear friends and family,

As many of you know, Joey and I have had quite the hand dealt to us this year. And as I was trying to figure out how to recap the year, I realized I just needed to lay it out… the good, the bad and the ugly. So you may laugh when you see our picture, but that’s okay! It was meant to correspond with the letter and our theme for wrapping up this year: the good, the bad and the ugly!

Where to begin? Well we began the year living with Joey’s dad up in Cambridge and moved back to our house in early May. We spent some time redoing our kitchen and bathroom and settled back in nicely to our place. It is good to be home. J

In January I spent a week with my sister in Hawaii celebrating a friends wedding, which was amazing! And then had the opportunity to travel to Germany for a week with some college girlfriends, which was also a fabulous experience!

Joey wrapped up the hockey season and started rotating again in the cities and is now just 4 ½ months from graduating from Medical school! We’ll be spending the entire month of January traveling around the United States (in the car) while he interviews at different residency programs. We find out on our 4^th anniversary (March 20^th) where he’ll be placed and whether we’ll be moving or staying!

You might also have noticed that our dog Charlie is a repeat offender in joining us in the Christmas card. I figure we did it once, why not again? He’s doing well. He continues to be oddly scared of everything in his path, including his newfound anxiety surrounding his food dish. But nevertheless he sends you his loveJ.

Now onto the bad....many of you know that after dealing with infertility for 2 years and working with a specialist, Joey and I had decided to pursue adoption. We could not have felt better about it and began preparing for a new baby to come into our home.

Sadly just 4 months after making our decision, we got the news that our agency was committing fraud and lost its license. Our hearts were broken. Just when we thought things were starting to look up, they crumbled all around us. But as from the start of this process, we continue to know how faithful our God is and we believe He is taking care of us through all of this.

Please keep us in your prayers as we work through this. God has taught us SO MUCH MORE than we could ever have imagined through this hardship, and we wouldn’t change that for anything. But it’s been a long road and we’re ready to be done. And we’re praying that will be soon.

We have received an unending amount of support from our families and friends during this time and we couldn’t praise God enough for that. And we thank God for all of you which he has placed in our lives through different seasons! We pray that God would bless you and your family during this season where we remember the birth of our Savior.

With love,

Rachel & Joey

Back from RE with free DRUGS!!!

So our appts went really well... a bit overwhelming but we're prepared for it! My saline sono and trial transfer were uncomfortable as those things always are for me and I was pretty uncomfortable for the next hour but it passed.

But the wonderful news is our nurse walked in and handed us $600 worth of free Follistim!!!!! And said "merry Christmas!" I couldn't believe it.. how wonderful! That brings the cost of our meds down to about $1300 instead of $2000!! So that was good!

Also we learned we're approved for the shared risk program and instead of 70% of a refund it's now 100%!!! So holy cow huh?

Well so that was that.... very exciting gotta get these drugs ordered! :-)

I am a very imperfect person.

I've never claimed to anything other.

I thought this worth noting.

Getting on the radio....

So I'm beginning to work with this Local Christian radio station to see if they'll help me somehow begin to form a Christian community through infertility. I'd like to start arranging for small groups to meet throughout the twin cities area and I need a bigger data base to start with than those I know! (since that would include... um... 1 infertile).

So I am aware this could prove to be a ginormous task, but I'm a very organized person and I love spreadsheets like it's nobodies business so I'm hoping that things will just fall into place. I definitely need to do some more praying about it before things really take off, but I felt the prompting just last week and already with a few emails know that this station is willing to help.

So any prayers in this dept would be amazing, I will need all the support from up above I can get!

Also I'm sure I'll update later as we have several IVF appointments today!

Reason 1,000,012 why I love my husband.

Just a few moments ago I was sitting at my desk typing an email and listening to worship music just about as loud as my computer would go. As I was crying quietly and typing I found myself crying louder and louder and finally I just buried my head into my hands at my desk and just wept.

About a second later I felt a gentle and concerned hand on my shoulder (if you can discern emotion from a hand...) I looked up and saw my sweet husband who had run up as soon as he thought he heard me crying.

I hadn't realized I was crying loud enough to be heard from downstairs over the music, but I just love the fact that he came running....because he knew I needed him.

God knew I needed this man in my life. For so many reasons.

Today.. I hate my life.

I will start this post by stating this is MY blog. If you come here and don't like what I have to say, that's just fine, you can leave. This is MY blog and this is how I feel. Not every day, but today.. this is how I feel.

Today is a horrible day. Today is a day where I hate this thing I'm being forced to drudge through called life. I hate that God decided to spread out an infertile here and there amongst so many fertiles. I don't understand why we can't just all be clumped together? I would seem like it would make it easier.

I hate that I am married to the most amazing man in the world, we have the best marriage (biased I'm sure) and we have a wonderful life and yet the ONE thing we want more than anything doesn't get to come to us. We've tried and we've tried and it doesn't happen... but it gets to happen for everyone else.

I hate that this is the time of year when everyone is happy and jolly and their little wonderful homes are filled with little wonderful feet.. and ours... is empty, for the third Christmas in a row. I don't even have Christmas music on. I haven't even wrapped my presents. They're just sitting under the tree not wrapped. How sad.

I hate that in order to have the wonderful time as a mommy I so badly want to have, I have to kidnap (not really, don't call the cops) my niece or nephews and pretend for a night. Don't get me wrong, I'm grateful I have that.. but I hate having to give them back.

I hate that this is my life. I hate that we are not fertile.

As I was relaying this message to God, I'm sure He was nodding along, He understands how crappy this is.. He gets is. and He feels for us. But I still struggle... because He could make it stop.

But I know... I know that my faith is strong and I have a God who is more powerful than anything to lean on in this time... and so because of that I would prefer that I have to go through this than someone that doesn't know the LORD. Because what would they have to lean on? Nothing... and that would be worse.

But still, I'm feeling rather angry and selfish today, so I asked God, I begged God, to let us be done. To let us be done with this charade of insanity... this thing that is costing us so much heartache and so much FRICKEN money.. this thing that is the worst possible thing I have ever had to go through... This CRAP called infertility.

Please Lord, let it be done. I don't know how much else I can bare.

Got the flu in Milwaukee :-(

We came to WI for joey's interview for residency and this morning I woke up with the flu... I proceeded to puke all day and night and FINALLY started to be able to eat some crackers tonight.

We were suppose to leave today at 2 but bc I was so sick and was never going to make the noon checkout let alone a six hour drive, we had to stay another night :-(

Plus my cousins/aunts are having a Christmas brunch tomorrow and I can't go!! :-(

And ode to infertility

This is a poem I wrote about our IVF....

************************************
Yes we’re infertile, it’s sad and it’s true
But of course there’s really nothing we can do.

We tried and we tried
And still have no baby inside.

But we’re hoping and praying if we spend 20 G’s
We’ll buy one baby and get one for free.

How you might ask
Will we accomplish this task?

Well instead of romance and candles and woos
A bit giant needle will be stuck in my yahoo.

His sperm and my egg will mix in a dish
And maybe just maybe will get our wish

If not than maybe my sister will assist
Since clearly her body was made for this.

Or maybe my mom who’s tired and old
But the minute we’d ask her we know she’d be sold.

But for now we’ll try what we must to get by
And pray that the lord blesses us the first try.

*****************************
ps no offense mom! :-) hee hee....

Dr. Phil and I are NOT friends anymore!

It's not like I've ever been a huge Dr. Phil fan... his accent and the way he speaks just makes him sound less creditable... but I've never had any reason to dislike him!

Well today he did a show on "desperate to become a mother" and it showcased 3 different couples:

Couple a: he had kids and they planned on no kids and now she's baby crazy and wants to change his mine.

Couple b: they're trying and he doesn't want to go in debt but it's their only way and it's tearing them apart.

Couple c: they're going through their 5th IVF... hoping it'll work.

Okay, so we mostly identify with couple c as we're completely in this together and clearly willing to go into debt to have a baby.

Anyways couple a would have to have a reverse vasectomy in order to even get pg (and he's 48!!!). And apparently 15 years ago Dr. Phil had one himself. And this was his quote:

"they told me I'd have a 50% chance of being fertile within a year and a half! 6 weeks later we were pregnant..... my boys got the job done!" (all cocky like as I'm sure you can imagine.)

I could not feel anymore abused by this statement. What does this mean? Does it mean that my husband can't get the job done? That my husband isn't as manly as Dr. Phil because we aren't pregnant? What does this mean for us?!?!

Now I know Dr. Phil didn't look into the screen and say to ME personally "I'm trying to hurt you by making this statement" But for crying out loud there were infertile couples on the show!!!! How much less sensitive could he be?!?!

So this is my statement. If you are NOT infertile... and your husband EVER boasts about his sperm... PLEASE, I beg you, PLEASE in private encourage him to think about those that might be around him dealing with MF and how it might make them feel (and you never know who's dealing with it unless they're a crazy blogger like me!).

It's crushing and hurtful and just plain stupid. No one did anything to deserve to be fertile or deserve to be infertile. So it's so hurtful when people act like they did anything right, because that would negate that my husband is doing wrong!

So that's what I would say to Dr. Phil if I had a chance. If he's running a show on infertility he better get some more sensitivity!

ps. this is not in any way a means to speak to anyone in our lives... it's truly just a general statement! :-) so no emails saying "was this me?" hee hee. cuz it wasn't! :-)

Found an OB!

So it's that time of year to have my lady check done and in the past I used a midwife up in Cambridge. Well being that I hope to get pregnant in the next few months I figured it was time to find someone where I would actually deliver. And with a 50% chance of having twins.. I couldn't use a midwife.

So I did some research and picked a lady with no references attached. I made an appt for the end of this month and was hoping I'd like her!

Well we had friends over from church last night and she's due in feb (after 14 months of trying!). We got on the subject of her clinic which is the same one I made the appt at and I asked who her dr was... it's the same one I just made an appt with!!! She LOVES her so I'm so thrilled!!! :-) So that's my fun news today!

Also on a side note: when I was scheduling the appt the lady said "so you want to schedule a pap smear?" and I said "Well..... (chuckle chuckle) want is a strong word!" she laughed so I was happy :-)

The plus sides of having MFI.

Okay, before we did our IUI we were diagnosed with unexplained infertility. And honestly, I HATED it! I hated that there was no concrete reason we weren't getting pregnant because it made knowing which route of treatment to go a lot more vague... But the day I got the call about Joey's sperm, I felt complete and utter relief. There was a reason we weren't pregnant yet and we knew exactly what we'd have to do to get there. Many feel frustrated that IVF is there only option. I guess in many ways I feel relief.

I felt like I was freed from the prison I was in which entailed getting my hopes up every month that it would be the month, only to be devastated when AF came... Or thinking I'd be right behind someone each time they'd get pregnant. And even though it sucks that I probably won't get pregnant any months (without help) or that I'm certainly NOT right behind those who've gotten pg (and now have gone on to have their babies). But at least I can stop hoping.

And don't get me wrong, I haven't lost hope at all! In fact I think I have more hope. Because I know what the problem is, we know how to deal with it and hopefully we'll get pregnant. It's really become that simple.

Before the MFI diagnosis it was misery every month.. and the threatened loss of hope every month. Whereas now I feel we can go on living our lives assuming we won't get pregnant and knowing that IVF will give us a great chance of success.

Does it suck it's taken us this long to get here? Absolutely. Do I wish we weren't infertile? Of course. Is it completely unfair we have to spend $25k to get pregnant when most people do it for free? Sure.

But that's not the point. I have a great sense of freedom that I don't have to get my hopes up every month, because we know it's probably not worth it.

And for that, I am grateful we found out we have MFI. Because I feel like we can continue living ours lives, and being infertile is just apart of who we are, like air.

The conversation between my egg & his sperm

I often wonder how many times Joey's poor sperm went whizzing by my eggs (remember high count, fast swimmers!) and said "good day miss! have a jolly afternoon!" and my beautiful egg was thinking "those bloomin idiots! Don't they know one is suppose to stop, say hi and stick around for a while?!

If only they knew better!

When did secret santa become mandatory??

So at work today I see a slip of paper in my box saying I am so and so's secret santa. I have to bring a $15 gift by such and such date.

WHAT? I never agreed to this! Don't get me wrong, I love to buy gifts, but this year we cut out buying gifts for each other, our siblings, our friends, cousins (usually in a drawing)... so to now have to buy a gift for someone I met like 15 minutes ago really bothers me! Before assigning me a person I feel I should have been asked. I have MANY more people I would rather buy a gift for...

And since only 12 people work there, I feel silly bringing anything up and it's only $15, but still! That's not the point. I just am annoyed at this! It seems silly and I feel I should have been asked first!

Also today I informed my boss (more than 2 months in advance) that I would need a week off in february for a medical procedure that wouldn't be scheduled until the week before (work schedule is done 3 weeks in advance) and since I needed 2-3 days to recoup, I would just need the whole week off but was willing to work the weekends.

He seemed annoyed! I work 15 hours a week and it's a medical procedure!!! For goodness sakes! I explained it came up since I got the job otherwise I would have told him before... but seriously?

Anyways, I LOVE my new job, don't get me wrong, but these two things today really irked me!