I asked Him for healing, so I shouldn't be surprised!

Well my prayers last night went something like this:

"Lord, my flesh would desire to stay angry, and bitter, and sad about my sister. But I know better, and in my spirit, I know that I should only ask for healing on my heart. So that I may move past this and continue to love my sister with the love I always have (and more!). Here's the thing, I've been known to mess things up in the past (ie: push away my pregnant loved ones), and it's all the more crucial I don't do that with my sister, so I'm going to need this healing, like yesterday."

So that was last night, I shouldn't be surprised at all that the God who created me, the God who loves me more than life itself, the God who desires nothing more than for me to be in a relatioship with Him filled with love and worship, would allow me to heal over night. I don't doubt I will have emotional times where Satan will use my sister's pregnancy to attack me again. But for today, I have surrendered to Christ. He has given me a freedom from the bitterness my heart held within.

I am a new woman, and I love my sister with more of a Christ-like love than I ever knew possible. I admire her for the love and Grace she has shown me through this process. She has every right to have another child of her own and be excited with the news. Instead she sobbed when she told me and I could see the ache in her heart for me as she watched me receive the news. I am ashamed at how quickly I allowed Satan to defeat me with the news. But it's a good thing God works quickly in me!

I praise you Lord, you are an amazing Father who knows exactly what I need. I surrender this battle to you, you know the best for me and I know your plans are for good. Thank you for your never ending love for me. Thank you for the instant healing you have shown me.

And to my wonderful sister Melissa. I love you more than you know, I will NEVER stop loving you and I will love this child as if it were my own (unless you want to give it to me, in which case it WILL be my own!) JK. THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU for your constant prayers for me and constant support. While I can't understand how you can be so fertile while I remain UNfertile, that's another story :-) I guess I got the height, and you got the eggs! :-) I love you.

This video is straight from my heart

Click here to watch:

I would die for that

This is how infertility feels.

Recently I was trying to describe to a friend who has no interest in having children anytime soon how it feels to go through IF. I felt the need to paint a picture for her to better understand. I thought it was worth sharing.

*************************************************

You love your boyfriend (or fiance, or spouse), probably more than you can understand. You want to be with him all the time, you know how much you love him and need him in your life. But what if he wasn't here? He was somewhere that you couldn't contact him or connect with him. And you only had a chance ONCE a month to see if he was coming home to see you. You love him so much and are so ready to be with him that you can barely breath. Everywhere you look are people who get to be with those they love, getting engaged, planning a wedding, buying houses, starting their lives etc, but you can't seem to be with the one you love and no one can really tell you why!

So every month you're just sure it's going to be the month you get to see him. And yet month after month, you find out it's not the month, it's not "your time". People tell you "don't worry, it'll happen at the right time" "Just relax" or "Take a vacation". and all you want to scream is "It's time NOW! This is all I want, to be with this person I love, to spend my life with him, what do you know about the right time, are you God?!" but you don't, you smile and nod and say things like "yes, I know, God will provide, He'll take care of me (Which you do fully believe, but it doesn't always make it easier)". But it still doesn't make sense why everyone around you has their boyfriend, or husband, the love of their life with them day after day and you don't.

So month after month you wait, and month after month nothing. And you start to wonder if you'll ever see him again, if he'll ever be a part of your life like you've planned and hoped and wanted for so long. You're starting to lose hope. Now it's been almost two years, which is two years longer than you should have waited since no one else seems to have to wait that long. But you feel like you're dying inside, like you will drowned in tears if you have to wait another few months, or even possibly years to have to see him. But all you can do is wait. And that's what you do.

A poem from a nestie.

This is a poem written by a woman on my IF forum. She has an amazing talent and I wanted to share:

Stolen
By Sarah Aarssen

I'll never check the calendar smiling, thinking "hey I may be late".
I'll never suprise our parents with the news of their "grandparent" fate.
You've stolen all the joy that making a child is supposed to bring.
You've taken a beautiful moment and turned it into an ugly thing.

I'll never once experience the thrill of the three minute wait.
It's more like a tortured time, when one minute feels like eight.
I'll see there is no line and once again we'll have no child.
I'm bitter, angry and confused and that's to put it mild.

I had visions of telling my husband, a Dad you're soon to be.
To see the look upon his face, his hands on my belly.
We'll never argue over names or the colors for the room.
We'll never giggle over the little kicks that are coming from my womb.

You've taken from me a joy that I'll never get to know.
You've stolen what was rightfully mine, striking a sinking blow.
Why does this happen to me, to my love and to our life?
I didn't see this coming, "mother" belongs right after "wife".

Infertility is the theif that snuck into our lives.
Infertility steals the child from the husbands and the wives.
Infertilty should be a crime but the punishment is not it's own.
It belongs to the couples who suffer, whose child does not come home.

I survived the night. I didn't die of a broken heart.

Last night the worst thing happened. The ONE thing I told God I couldn't handle, the ONE thing I begged him to not let happen. The ONE thing I said I didn't think I could live through.

My sister is pregnant.

With her 4th child.

With her 2nd since we've been trying.

I honestly was surprised to wake up this morning, I can't believe my heart hasn't broken in two. I can't believe this is happening. I can't understand why God is allowing me to be tortured. Am I so unfit to be a mother? Am I so undeserving? If you love me LORD, then WHY!?!?! I don't understand. Not one bit of it. I don't understand.

Please be careful of the "helpful encouragement" you try to offer me. All I really need to hear is, "this sucks". I'm in a place where I might not accept it the way you intend it.

Thank you.

4th sextuplet has died

Click here for story

back from vaca and kitchen's complete!

Well I have a lot to write, but for now I will just brag about how awesome and finished our kitchen FINALLy looks! It's been a long month, but it's done!


* new appliances and hutch and white dishes!


new kitchen table, chairs and hutch.


new hutch! I am in love with this piece of furniture and my dishes!


new cabinets, counter tops, sink, faucet and pretty much everything on the counters!

Hit the road jack...

Well we're heading out tomorrow after my wedding for our vacation. I'll be back in a week!!

Rachel

A very somber post. 2 babies have died

Click Here

I do not even know how to pray for this poor family. Only our heavenly father can possibly know what they're going through, and how to comfort them.

Please remember to lift them up.

Should I change my name?

Lately I've been thinking of changing my name from

"Thoughts from the mind of MayDayGirl"
to
"Supersize me"

You know that's all I really want, to be huge and swollen and miserable and uncomfortable... and to be supersized!!! Is that too much to ask for?!?! (and of course I'll want my body back after nine months! :-)

What do you think? I'll take a vote!

Our house.. is a very very very fine house.

Well we still haven't gotten our cabinet for the kitchen and we're leaving for vacation in 2 days, but that's okay, we're living and it's great to be back in our own house!!

Here are some pictures of the process :-)


*taking off the huge ugly old medicine cabinet to put in the new cute one :-)


*Oops! there's a big hole in the wall! Guess we'll have to cover that up!


*fixed the hole in the wall (pre-new medicine cabinet)


* New appliances and new cabinets up above



*New cabinets (minus countertops, painted window, sink, missing cabinet!)


*Agh, fresh new white woodwork!


*old light fixure

*New light fixure

The result are in...

I had my HSG today, which wasn't overly painful, I had a lot of anxiety but I managed to stay relaxed. It was not comfortable at all and I had quite a bit of cramping, but then directly afterwards I went in the bathroom (5 feet away from the table) to change and I got really sick. I passed out a few times, and ended up laying on the disgusting hospital bathroom floor for like 10 minutes, I was clammy and sweaty and nauseous.. it was miserable. Finally after about an hour I felt back to normal, just drained from the whole thing! But my tubes were clear and my uteris looked "perfect" so I got an A from my dr :-) So now we try one last time naturally and then I start IUI next month!

Thanks for praying!

HSG today

Well, at 12:30 today I have my HSG (hysterosalpingogram) to make sure my uteris and fallopian tubes are clear and working.

My mom is going with me, but I'm a little nervous. This can be a very painful procedure, but hopefully will be quick! I will hear/see the results right away and I'm just praying for clear tubes. I don't know if we could afford the surgery or alternative treatments if they were blocked.

I'll keep you updated.

BM dresses and IF do NOT mix

Yesterday I ordered my bm dress for my SIL's wedding in October. So like any woman TTC, I ordered it 1 size too big, hoping I will squeeze nice and pregnantly (not a word, I'm sure) into it by October. However, the skeptical woman in me says, "you should have ordered it too small, then surely you'd be pregnant by then. Don't you know ordering it too big in preparation for being pregnant CURSES you!??!"

Now, I'm sure the Good Lord is upstairs rolling His eyes at me thinking "Rachel, you don't honestly believe a bm dress could POSSIBLY prevent you from getting pg do you? Haven't we come farther than that?" But I can't help it! It's so dumb, all these superstitions... like buying new expensive clothes will instantly make you pregnant, or buying tampons or dying your hair....

I know it's stupid. But I can't stop thinking about how if that dress has to be taken in because by October I'm not pregnant, I will be so sad. So miserably sad.

CODE:
BM = Bridesmaid (NOT bowel movement.. hee hee)
SIL= Sister-in-law (Jenny Williams)

Please pray for the Morrison 6

In case you haven't read/seen/heard the news, there is a young couple in MSP that gave birth on sunday to sextuplets. They were 22 weeks along. The odds of them surviving or having a "normal" life at 22 weeks are very slim. 22 weeks is just so early. Now I fully believe God's hand is completely over this situation and He is the God of miracles and He can do ANYTHING. And that's all the more reason this family needs as much prayer as possible! I couldn't hardly go to sleep last night as I couldn't stop praying for them. Please keep them in your prayers

morrison6.com

We don't know the condition of the babies, other than they're in critical condition. The family has not updated the media yet.

Thank you.

1 yr ago today...

Our very dear friends were blessed with two little bundles of joy! After struggling with IF for three years, God gave them 2 of the greatest gifts ever created, twin baby boys. These friends endured five artificial inseminations and IVF after IVF. Finally after their third try, they were pregnant! Now today we celebrate the first birthday of two of the cutest boys you will ever see!! They are truly a testiment of the love and faithfulness of our God and Savior!

HAPPY BIRTHDAY PEAS! (names are being kept out)

Rachel & Joey

New look, still me :-)

I'm still here, I just wanted a new fresh look!

very cool visual

To get a visual demonstration of how IUI and IVF work, click here. It will walk you through and show you the procses!

VERY NEAT. Thanks MSNBC!

Click Here

Exciting news (no I'm not pregnant)!!

A while ago I felt God was telling me to look for a support group either in my community or church that deals with infertility. Well little did I know (He knew I would run for my life if I
did!) He would eventually ask me to START and LEAD one at my church! This has been a long process that started back in March and I had NO intentions of starting, or leading anything!! EVER! But God has amazed me over and over again by making everything happen simply and smoothly and all in His perfect timing!

Finally after several months of planning and praying, an announcement will be going out in the bulletin at my church for this group. I know there are many people don't have the desire to share their IF struggles with others, but God has NEVER shown me more about His grace and love and blessings than when I "Came out" about our struggles. And my prayer is that others would have the chance to grasp some of the Joy I have experienced through this agonizing journey, even if only sharing with others going through the same thing.

I am VERY excited about this and I would love prayer for this group and for the women who might be fighting internally about joining the group simply because of shame or embarrassment. Satan would love nothing more! So we must pray!

Thanks for your continued support!

TOTAL Vent!!

So our cabinet that we're waiting for (to finish our kitchen) came in DAMAGED AGAIN! I'm so frustrated. It's not the end of the world, but now we have to live in our house for two weeks without a kitchen put together. There's tools and dust everywhere, so it'll be hard to "Set up house" like that. But oh well, I guess that's what we have to do!

Hopefully they compensate us for some of this.

4 years

I realized last night as I was drifting off to sleep that even if we were to get pregnant this month (and I have stopped playing that game... too draining) but if we were, we would be married four years before having a baby. So from here on, we have moved into the next year of our marriage. I used to wonder if we'd be married two years when we had a baby, and then three, and now four. We are nine months away from our four year anniversary. I just pray we'll have a baby within that four years, and not have to move onto five or six years.

I don't know why this makes me sad. There's nothing wrong with being married four years before having a baby. In fact it makes us all the more sturdy and ready. But still. This wasn't how we planned it. And that makes it hard.

Perfect words from Lamentations

I'm being a posthog today! sorry, but I had to share.

I got an email from a dear friend of mine from church who recently had her second (beautiful) child. She has a pure heart of a Godly woman and is full of compassion. While she hasn't been through IF, she suffered a terrible miscarriage in between her first and second child. She understands fully the pain and sorrow of not having the child that you desperately want to love.

She sent me a very encouraging email with these amazing verses at the end. I would assume it's from the message translation: Thank you Stacy.

Lamentations 3:21-33
21 But there's one other thing I remember, and remembering, I keep a grip on hope: 22 God's loyal love couldn't have run out, his merciful love couldn't have dried up. 23 They're created new every morning. How great your faithfulness! 24 I'm sticking with God (I say it over and over). He's all I've got left. 25 God proves to be good to the man who passionately waits, to the woman who diligently seeks. 26 It's a good thing to quietly hope, quietly hope for help from God. 27 It's a good thing when you're young to stick it out through the hard times. 28 When life is heavy and hard to take, go off by yourself. Enter the silence. 29 Bow in prayer. Don't ask questions: Wait for hope to appear. 30 Don't run from trouble. Take it full-face. The "worst" is never the worst. 31 Why? Because the Master won't ever walk out and fail to return. 32 If he works severely, he also works tenderly. His stockpiles of loyal love are immense. 33 He takes no pleasure in making life hard, in throwing roadblocks in the way...

Thank you Stacy.

IUI frequently asked questions

In case any of you are more interested in the process of IUI, here's a very easy read:

Click Here

Also, the success rates are anywhere from 6% to 25% a cycle. Rate for mutlipltes are 20-30%.

life

We're moving on friday, FINALLY! Our new cabinet hasn't come in yet, but hopefully it will by then so we can get our kitchen finished! I have such conflicting emotions about the move though. I am SO sad to leave Cambridge and my sister and her kids and all the time I get to spend with them. But I can't wait to live in my house again, and be closer to Bridgit and the boys, I feel like I hardly ever get to see them, which is hard. But I hate feeling like I'm giving up one set of kids for the other. Why can't we all just live close?!? It was the same way when we moved to cambridge.

Anyways, yesterday I had a blood draw to check my estrodial and FSH levels. I haven't heard anything so I assume they're normal. They said they would call if they weren't. I have my HSG scheduled for next wed at noon and my mom is going to go with me. I have heard they can be really painful and I feel like I have suffered enough pain (internally) to now subject myself to physical pain. But it's what I have to do. I just hope it isn't too painful because I'm a big baby :-(.

We had Ella and Tucker over last night to sleep with us. Tucker was over here on monday too :-) I love having them here. Tate was at Oran's so he'll have to come to our fridley house next time! It's so wonderful to wake up in the middle of the night, or bright and early to such a sweet adoring face. And the wonderful noises that come out of that child's mouth! It's all I want in our life. I sometimes wish I could just steal the babies :) But don't worry...I won't!

I'm doing all right today. I'm not crying or anything, but I just feel so down. I am ready to be pregnant and looking forward to life instead of worrying so much about never having that. I just don't like this.

We're going on vacation with my family next weekend for a week at a cabin in WI. I cannot wait! I hope it is so good for all of us, refreshing and relaxing. I can't wait!

ugh.

I have no other way to describe today. Ugh is the way I feel. But if you must know how "ugh" feels, then it feels: sad and tired, annoyed and crabby, poopy and sickly, mad, frustrated and again... sad. That's how "ugh" feels today.

AF came (as I knew she would) but it's still so stinken hard!! Both Joey and I were really sad last night. At least for me I'm in my body so I can tell when it's coming or if I *might* think I'm pregnant, but for him all he can do is hope, he doesn't have a clue what's going on inside of me.

So now we're on cycle #21. Ridiculous. Pitifully ridiculous. It is not suppose to take this long!

I have nothing positive to say today, I am just sad and mad.