There was ice EVERYWHERE~
Thursday, January 31, 2008
Just us :-)
He's cute.
Looking handsome for his interview
Loving the bed!
Oh my funny hubby!
We don't know what this guy is!
I have stretchy skin!
In my bed :-)
We made it home yesterday at 2:30 am and spent a good chunk of the day at my parents (slept there) cuz they had our dog. It was wonderful to see them! I didn't realize how much I missed PEOPLE until I didn't want to be alone again! Lol... then we wandered over to my sisters house and saw her kids and her and I (accompanied by some children) ran to the outlet mall (I had some stuff to return.. carried it around all month and never got to return it!). So that was fun. Then we came home and went to bed!
Our car is still pretty full of stuff.. we just took out the necessities. But we slept in our bed, with our pup and it is good to be home :-)
Our car is still pretty full of stuff.. we just took out the necessities. But we slept in our bed, with our pup and it is good to be home :-)
Tuesday, January 29, 2008
I need you Jesus.
You are the source of life. No one else will do. I will take hold of you.
I need you Jesus. To come to my rescue. Where else can I go? There's no other name by which I am saved. Capture me with Grace.
I will follow you. This world has nothing for me. I will follow you.
I put my trust in you.
A friend of mine heard this song recently and said she thought of me an wanted to send me the song. As I opened it my heart soothed to a peace I haven't felt in a long time. I love this song, I always have. But today it held a whole new meaning for me.
I have never believed more in my life that Christ is ALL I need. He is my everything. And this world does have nothing for me. It's not what life is about. We were meant to be with our creator and instead we ended up living in a fallen world. And while I believe we can make the most of it while we're here, it's not what it's all about.
It's about this: "You are the source of life, no one else will do".
Thank you moni for sending me the song, thank you Lord for allowing me to realize this yet again.. you are everything to me. And no matter what, I will fall more madly in love with you. Because baby or no baby, you've already given me everything I ever need.
I need you Jesus. To come to my rescue. Where else can I go? There's no other name by which I am saved. Capture me with Grace.
I will follow you. This world has nothing for me. I will follow you.
I put my trust in you.
A friend of mine heard this song recently and said she thought of me an wanted to send me the song. As I opened it my heart soothed to a peace I haven't felt in a long time. I love this song, I always have. But today it held a whole new meaning for me.
I have never believed more in my life that Christ is ALL I need. He is my everything. And this world does have nothing for me. It's not what life is about. We were meant to be with our creator and instead we ended up living in a fallen world. And while I believe we can make the most of it while we're here, it's not what it's all about.
It's about this: "You are the source of life, no one else will do".
Thank you moni for sending me the song, thank you Lord for allowing me to realize this yet again.. you are everything to me. And no matter what, I will fall more madly in love with you. Because baby or no baby, you've already given me everything I ever need.
Sunday, January 27, 2008
chunking out :-(
I don't know why I didn't think much in advance about what being on the road for a month and eating out every meal would do to me.. I guess I had hopes we'd make food as well!
But we found that was really not that easy as things left in the car freeze in certain states, and melt in others. Most hotels don't have a freezer to re-freeze the cooler freezer things (you know the blue things?) and since have no microwave, or stove or anything like that.. we're limited to sandwiches.
Plus packing for a month equals big suitcases. And when you switch hotels every night or two, dragging in a big suitcase, plus cameras (can't let them freeze!) plus computer PLUS cooler.. nope.. it's so much work. Just too dang much work!
So I've gained weight :-( At home.. I eat very little. I eat breakfast around noon and lunch (usually something small like soup or a sandwich) around 3 and a light dinner around 6. Unless I'm depressed or bored I rarely snack at home and I NEVER have desserts (let alone a dunkin donuts every ten feet!).
So I'm feeling quite huge. I'm ready to get home and not feel this way... oh but wait, then I'll be starting stims and getting all porky again! :-( I better work hard in the three weeks I'm home before stims start... on NOT over eating and working out.. I don't want to feel giant going into IVF.....
But then again, if I end up pg... what do I really care?
Ugh.. I wish I didn't care what I looked like. I wish society didn't care what I looked like. But mainly I wish I didn't care :-(
But we found that was really not that easy as things left in the car freeze in certain states, and melt in others. Most hotels don't have a freezer to re-freeze the cooler freezer things (you know the blue things?) and since have no microwave, or stove or anything like that.. we're limited to sandwiches.
Plus packing for a month equals big suitcases. And when you switch hotels every night or two, dragging in a big suitcase, plus cameras (can't let them freeze!) plus computer PLUS cooler.. nope.. it's so much work. Just too dang much work!
So I've gained weight :-( At home.. I eat very little. I eat breakfast around noon and lunch (usually something small like soup or a sandwich) around 3 and a light dinner around 6. Unless I'm depressed or bored I rarely snack at home and I NEVER have desserts (let alone a dunkin donuts every ten feet!).
So I'm feeling quite huge. I'm ready to get home and not feel this way... oh but wait, then I'll be starting stims and getting all porky again! :-( I better work hard in the three weeks I'm home before stims start... on NOT over eating and working out.. I don't want to feel giant going into IVF.....
But then again, if I end up pg... what do I really care?
Ugh.. I wish I didn't care what I looked like. I wish society didn't care what I looked like. But mainly I wish I didn't care :-(
What should I be when I grow up?
You Should Be a Manager |
 You're very organized, motivated, and methodical. Fair and objective, you can see all sides of a conflict. You are a good mediator. You are task oriented. You do well with deadlines and schedules. And while you can be a task master at times, you're good at managing people and listening to their input. You do best when you: - Must have attention to detail - Are in charge of people You would also be a good accountant or personal assistant. |
Monday, January 21, 2008
A letter to my sisters (sorry.. not you miss, bridgit, becca)
Someone posted this on the nest and I thought it was beautiful... so I'm sharing :-)
A Letter to my Sisters
Infertility is like a party- a big, year or two long party that no one really wants to go to. In fact, it is a pretty lousy party, not much fun at all. But by the time you get the invitation, you are already there. Perhaps it is your doctor that gives you the invitation, or a specialist, or perhaps just plain old time that gives you the nudge that this is one party you won’t be missing.
So we all show up at this party kicking and screaming. But since this party is held in our honor, we wipe our tears and look around the room. We see our mothers, our aunts, our sisters, and the lady down the street. The check-out lady is there, and so is the attorney, the school principal, and the taxi driver’s wife. When we see them at first we are surprised- “I didn’t know you were invited too…” we say. But when we start to talk with them and learn their stories we know instantly we are sisters, and that their grief is our own, and that we aren’t quite so alone.
This party is filled with sisters. My mother and perhaps yours too, was at this party once. So were many friends of mine. I am always humbled by seeing how many sisters I have here. Even as sisters leave, new ones come to take their place. I spent a long, long time there before it was my turn to leave. You too will leave this party someday.
There are parting gifts at this party, but most of us are so glad to leave when our time is up that we just throw them in our purse and forget they are there. Then one day, while we are looking for something else, we dig out a little box. Oh yes, our gift. We were looking for what to say to a sick friend, or perhaps how to handle some adversity that came our way and we found this little box in the bottom of our bag. We open it slowly, and there inside we find it. Endurance. Strength. Compassion. We were strong, and once walked through the fire she has made us stronger still. We have endured what would have once broken our hearts, devastated us, and come through with a strength that will not easily be silenced. And compassion. Our hearts have grown and now we can, without judgment, embrace each other in ways we couldn’t before. We know the true meaning of kindness, and the value of compassion. We see humanity, for all it’s sadness and all it’s emptiness, and we can’t do anything but wrap our arms around her in a warm, full embrace. We understand each other’s sorrow, and we share our strength.
And so My Sister, stay strong. I understand how hard some days are, and I know how deeply you want this to end. Please know that it will, and that you do have the strength to endure this. You will. You will move forward because you desire this more than anything in your life. You will conceive, or you will adopt, or you will foster children. You will someday leave this place, this party in your honor, but you will remain a Sister forever.
A Letter to my Sisters
Infertility is like a party- a big, year or two long party that no one really wants to go to. In fact, it is a pretty lousy party, not much fun at all. But by the time you get the invitation, you are already there. Perhaps it is your doctor that gives you the invitation, or a specialist, or perhaps just plain old time that gives you the nudge that this is one party you won’t be missing.
So we all show up at this party kicking and screaming. But since this party is held in our honor, we wipe our tears and look around the room. We see our mothers, our aunts, our sisters, and the lady down the street. The check-out lady is there, and so is the attorney, the school principal, and the taxi driver’s wife. When we see them at first we are surprised- “I didn’t know you were invited too…” we say. But when we start to talk with them and learn their stories we know instantly we are sisters, and that their grief is our own, and that we aren’t quite so alone.
This party is filled with sisters. My mother and perhaps yours too, was at this party once. So were many friends of mine. I am always humbled by seeing how many sisters I have here. Even as sisters leave, new ones come to take their place. I spent a long, long time there before it was my turn to leave. You too will leave this party someday.
There are parting gifts at this party, but most of us are so glad to leave when our time is up that we just throw them in our purse and forget they are there. Then one day, while we are looking for something else, we dig out a little box. Oh yes, our gift. We were looking for what to say to a sick friend, or perhaps how to handle some adversity that came our way and we found this little box in the bottom of our bag. We open it slowly, and there inside we find it. Endurance. Strength. Compassion. We were strong, and once walked through the fire she has made us stronger still. We have endured what would have once broken our hearts, devastated us, and come through with a strength that will not easily be silenced. And compassion. Our hearts have grown and now we can, without judgment, embrace each other in ways we couldn’t before. We know the true meaning of kindness, and the value of compassion. We see humanity, for all it’s sadness and all it’s emptiness, and we can’t do anything but wrap our arms around her in a warm, full embrace. We understand each other’s sorrow, and we share our strength.
And so My Sister, stay strong. I understand how hard some days are, and I know how deeply you want this to end. Please know that it will, and that you do have the strength to endure this. You will. You will move forward because you desire this more than anything in your life. You will conceive, or you will adopt, or you will foster children. You will someday leave this place, this party in your honor, but you will remain a Sister forever.
Sunday, January 20, 2008
My heart is aching today.
Today was a great day. I woke up early, worked out, took a dip in the pool, soaked in the hot tub, had a great breakfast and we had a great 2 hour car ride together. Then we went to the mall and I bought a cute gap sweater for $12 (had a gift card!) and was very excited to find it so cheap. And then out of no where everything changed.
I saw our stroller in the mall. There were what felt like MILLIONS of babies in the mall, but this particular stroller struck me. Hard. It's the same one we have sitting in our laundry room all set up and ready to be used. The one my sweet Joey brought home to me and surprised me with just a few weeks after we finished our home study. The stroller we had picked out and decided was perfect for us and our baby. A gift from my husband.
That stroller. The one that is sitting in our laundry room completely unused.
I usually am able to just look past all the baby stuff we still have in our house: the crib I haven't had time to take down, the baby onsies and bottles I haven't had time to put away, the snowsuit I bought in case we brought a baby home in the dead of winter (REI brand new with tags for $5.. so cute). The cute robe and towel my sister bought me that's sitting in our linen closet. The bike trailer/stroller we bought that's hanging up in our garage, the exersaucer in the basement closet... the list goes on. All these things I am amazingly able to look passed on a daily basis (when we're home of course).
But seeing OUR stroller in the mall with a baby in it was too much to bear. Joey and I started talking about it and before I knew it was a mess.
I honestly believed we would have a baby in our home by the time my sister went into labor. I don't know why, but in my heart I truly believed I would be at the hospital seeing her baby with my baby in our arms.
How could I know? Sure I should have assumed it would take longer, but how could I know that our adoption agency would lose it's licence? That we would be out $7500 and no where near having a baby in our homes.
I'm glad I didn't know, because allowing myself to feel the pure joy of "knowing" we were adopting and bringing a baby home and shopping for our baby was glorious. No worries involved, no possible m/c or fears of preterm labor... nothing.. just pure joy. We were going to have a baby. We were going to be parents.
I wouldn't trade those months for the world. I loved believing with all my heart it was going to happen. But now being on the other side I wonder how I'll ever be able to believe again. Even if a child grows in my womb, I don't know that I'll ever be as sure as I felt when we were adopting.
And that is hard.
I can't believe I'm here and don't have a baby. I can't believe I'm here. It just feels so wrong. I had hoped we'd travel to interviews with a newborn.. I had hoped and for some strange reason believed we actually might.
And here I am. No baby. Just a stroller. An empty stroller.
I saw our stroller in the mall. There were what felt like MILLIONS of babies in the mall, but this particular stroller struck me. Hard. It's the same one we have sitting in our laundry room all set up and ready to be used. The one my sweet Joey brought home to me and surprised me with just a few weeks after we finished our home study. The stroller we had picked out and decided was perfect for us and our baby. A gift from my husband.
That stroller. The one that is sitting in our laundry room completely unused.
I usually am able to just look past all the baby stuff we still have in our house: the crib I haven't had time to take down, the baby onsies and bottles I haven't had time to put away, the snowsuit I bought in case we brought a baby home in the dead of winter (REI brand new with tags for $5.. so cute). The cute robe and towel my sister bought me that's sitting in our linen closet. The bike trailer/stroller we bought that's hanging up in our garage, the exersaucer in the basement closet... the list goes on. All these things I am amazingly able to look passed on a daily basis (when we're home of course).
But seeing OUR stroller in the mall with a baby in it was too much to bear. Joey and I started talking about it and before I knew it was a mess.
I honestly believed we would have a baby in our home by the time my sister went into labor. I don't know why, but in my heart I truly believed I would be at the hospital seeing her baby with my baby in our arms.
How could I know? Sure I should have assumed it would take longer, but how could I know that our adoption agency would lose it's licence? That we would be out $7500 and no where near having a baby in our homes.
I'm glad I didn't know, because allowing myself to feel the pure joy of "knowing" we were adopting and bringing a baby home and shopping for our baby was glorious. No worries involved, no possible m/c or fears of preterm labor... nothing.. just pure joy. We were going to have a baby. We were going to be parents.
I wouldn't trade those months for the world. I loved believing with all my heart it was going to happen. But now being on the other side I wonder how I'll ever be able to believe again. Even if a child grows in my womb, I don't know that I'll ever be as sure as I felt when we were adopting.
And that is hard.
I can't believe I'm here and don't have a baby. I can't believe I'm here. It just feels so wrong. I had hoped we'd travel to interviews with a newborn.. I had hoped and for some strange reason believed we actually might.
And here I am. No baby. Just a stroller. An empty stroller.
Wednesday, January 16, 2008
Long day.
Well after MANY phone calls back and forth between the MN clinic and MI clinic, they were able to get my results.
I DID ovulate (I knew that) and I'm NOT pregnant (I knew that) and AF should be here (also knew that). But they assured me it should be here any day and that they had an IVF opening just two weeks after we were suppose to do it (MUCH more doable than a month or two). So everything gets pushed back just 2 weeks. I can handle that. Praise God.
I DID ovulate (I knew that) and I'm NOT pregnant (I knew that) and AF should be here (also knew that). But they assured me it should be here any day and that they had an IVF opening just two weeks after we were suppose to do it (MUCH more doable than a month or two). So everything gets pushed back just 2 weeks. I can handle that. Praise God.
Tuesday, January 15, 2008
snowboarding pics
Unfortunately because it snowed the WHOLE time we snowboarded (which was awesome!) we couldn't take any pics of the actual occasion, but here are some of the time in Michigan at the Ski Resort.
Me and my love.
After a long day of frozen awesomeness!
My adorable husband.
and me :-)
Me and my love.
Me.
The view from our room! The slopes were right behind the trees :-)
Catching snowflakes on my tongue :-)
After a long day of frozen awesomeness!
My adorable husband.
and me :-)
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
