Just so you know....

I won't be on my computer again until a few days into June! We're moving this week to Chicago.

So don't freak out when I don't post my 14 week update or belly pic, or OB appt update (on Tuesday!) . Cuz I won't have internet :-)

Rachel

Loosing a child....

Please pray for christian music singer Steven Curtis Chapman. His 5 year old daughter was killed Wednesday after being hit by a car driven by her older brother. This family needs all the prayers they can get and your blog is widely read... Here is a link to a memorial for Maria Chapman...

click here

I cannot imagine what his family is going through.

Am I insane?

When people talk about how they started showing at 17-20 weeks I look down, I think "what is wrong with me?!"

Everyone told me I would show slow because of my long torso, so now everyone's trying to figure out what happened! haha..

I had to get a dress for my SIL's wedding in August and the girl at the bridal shop was like "oh you'll be pretty big by then cuz look how big you are now when most people aren't even showing yet".

Nice.

For Jenn.. on fear in pregnancy.

I started replying in the comments and felt it was worth noting in the wide open (I know many people don't read the comments).

First off congrats!!! Second of all, it's hard, I will admit it. A friend who is just a little behind pg wise me asked me (after IF as well) how I seem so sane... apparently I didn't share my fears on my blog much :-) I think I was too scared to put them down in words.

psa: Jason (or any other man reading, this might be TMI) :-)

Also I never told anyone other than Joey or my sister this (sorry mom!) but I wiped one long swipe of blood (not dark but still blood) when I was 7 1/2 weeks pg. 4 days after the u/s and it seemed too far away to be the cause. I was freaked but didn't blog about it because I didn't want to be freaked and I didn't want it to become a big deal. So I called the Dr, they said monitor and come back if it happened again. THANKFULLY it never did. But it's scary! Very scary!

God has been a HUGE factor in removing my fears. I called my wonderful sister one day in tears at about 8 weeks just terrified every day all day long and finding myself praying constantly as in if I didn't pray enough I somehow thought I would lose my baby (which I don't for a second believe is how it works). I knew it was an unhealthy way to be spending my time in prayer, but I didn't know what else to do.

My sister just said "you need to get on your knees and rebuke Satan out loud. EVERY TIME he creeps into your head with these fears rebuke him," It didn't take more than a few hours (if even that) before I felt complete freedom from the fears I was facing every single minute.

It's definitely a lot easier for me now being that I'm in my second trimester and have a Doppler and can hear my baby daily, but I'm still aware of all that can happen.

I just have to remind myself that A. the chances of me losing this baby are so slim. And B. God is in complete control. He brought us through misery after misery of IF and if something terrible happened to my child (or my family) He would continue to carry me on. I truly believe that, as hard as it is to know.

Also I wanted to enjoy this pregnancy. I didn't want Infertility to rule me. And if I allowed it to take over my pregnancy by making me live in fear every day, it would be ruling me. So it's been a very intentional part of my pregnancy. And I must say it's much much MUCH better enjoying your pregnancy than fearing every second of the day!

I don't know if this helps at all, but for me it was an overnight change.. and my sister's advice is the only advice I think worthy of passing on :-)

Preparing to be a mom.

Just like when you're planning a wedding it can be so easy to get wrapped up in the details of the actual day that you forget to prepare to become a wife, which is a lifetime commitment. I was warned against this early in our engagement and spent a lot of time praying and asking God to prepare me for the journey we were about to embark on.

Now I'm doing the same with becoming a mom. I only have 5+ months to get ready and I know that's not enough time! :-) But I've started praying that God would really change my heart and change my attitude so that when it comes time for that little one to come into our lives, I'm 100% ready to embrace all that it requires.

I am aware of how much I love my selfish time, how much I love my sleep, and my lazy schedule. And I know that having a baby will throw a wrench in all that... and I want to love it! I don't want to resent ever, so I'm preparing now! (again not that 5+months will give me all the time for it to be perfect, but it's a start!)

So moms, any advice you can give me? Any ways you prepared to become a mom that you want to share with me?

My wedding day was not the happiest day of my life...

Don't worry it was still a good one :-)

I was thinking about this the other day and realizing that I bet a good chunk of American's would truly classify their wedding day as the happiest day of their life (and I'm not judging!). But to me, it wasn't! It was only the beginning...

I loved Joey so much on our wedding day, but I honestly don't think I could have come close to imagining how much I would truly love him only 4+ years later. I can't even imagine how much I'll love him in 50!!

Seriously some days I could make myself (and I'm sure others) sick with how much I love him! And the best part? I never knew it could be like this!

We are very fortunate to be surrounded by many many happily married couples. But for many years (sounds silly since I got married young) I wondered if I'd end up as happy as them, I wasn't quite sure God had such a great guy in mind for me. Hear me now: NEVER underestimate God :)

Joey is an amazing husband, he is my best friend and I couldn't have asked for anyone better. My sister and I often talk about how if we lost our husbands, it would seem an impossible task to find someone else as worthy. We don't plan on having to try!

If you know Joey, I'm sure you can understand why I love him so much, but if you don't... he's wonderful.

He drives me crazy, but surprisingly those things that bug me are the very things that made me fall in love with me, and as I'm telling him to buzz off, I find myself smiling and loving these things about him.

He is so good to me. I don't deserve him and I am quick to admit that he is better to me than I am to him! I hope to change that someday, but I am so blessed to have a husband who adores me and dotes on me and loves me.

I only hope he knows much I love him!

So baby, if you read this, just know that while our wedding day was such a great day, it can't compare to each day that I fall more in love with you!

I don't get it.

If someone is so easily offended by my blog (and often)... why would they read it?

It's my blog and I'm going to write what I want to, and while I don't want to offend anyone, that's not the purpose of this blog. It was to get out my feelings (ups and downs, goods and bads) while dealing with infertility...

So here's my tip.

If you're offended, stop reading.

before I was infertile...

I assumed I was fertile.

We all start out that way unless we know ahead of time we're going to have a problem. I felt elated for every single person who got pregnant, or gave birth, or had children. I rejoiced with them and it never affected me. We even worried at one point that had we gotten pg on "accident" what that would do to our friendship with our infertile friends (we laugh about that now).

I never use the term fertile in an offensive way because it's simply a way to distinguish between those who deal with infertility and those who don't. At one point I assumed I was fertile, and that wasn't a bad thing, that's just the way it was (or I assumed it was).

Being infertile myself I don't equate being fertile with perfection and ease. I would never assume such a thing. I'm very aware that people who get pregnant easily may have to deal with a whole ruckus of other things. Things I might never have to deal with.

My SIL had a m/c right as we started TTC. It was horrible and as I watched her go through it and try to come to terms with what she had lost, I mourned deeply for her. I still lump her in the "fertile" category. But that doesn't mean things came easy for her.

My cousin had a terrible pregnancy, for weeks and weeks she gushed blood and worried she would lose her child. Then she ended up on bed rest in her second trimester and had a few scares even after her son was born. I hope she never has to deal with those things again, and I'm lucky to not have had some of those things happen to me. Did she get pregnant easily? Yes. But that doesn't change what she went through.

For us, we assumed we were fertile, and then one day things changed. The day I realized we would have a problem. The day I knew it wasn't going to happen for us the way I thought it would, or it did for everyone around us.

My happiness for others didn't disappear, it just became more of a process to get to.

I often want to kick myself after talking so casually about my mom in front of my SIL's because they lost their mom. I know they know I have a mom, and they know I love her (and they love her too), but I wonder if their heart stings in a way it wouldn't if I hadn't brought her up. I hate wondering if I'm hurting them without even realizing it.

I think it's the same way as when an infertile person has a friend/family member get pregnant, give birth, or even talk about the joys of parenthood. You don't wish they didn't have those things, and you want to be happy for their joys, but somehow you can't help but have a sting in your heart for what you don't have, or have lost.

I never want people to think I wasn't happy for those around me. That I was miserable and angry until I got what I wanted. Because that's not true. But many times it took much longer than before to get to that happiness. And thankfully I have very understanding, supportive friends/family who were willing to "deal" with me until I could reach that point.

I thank God for their grace and love. And I pray I never have to be in that spot again, where finding happiness doesn't come as easy. I pray I never have to put those I love in that spot again either, where they know how hard it is for me to get there. It's not fair to them.

This is where the magic happens....

Jealous?

what I never knew about pregnancy.

-your boobs can double over night.... and EVERYONE will notice!
-your feet can actually grow in length
-congestion becomes a way of life (I never even knew it was a side effect!)
-walking up the stairs and talking on the phone is a recipe for disaster (or at the least major embarrassment when you take 5 minutes to catch your breath)
-you know how far along you'll be at every point throughout the year
-you can poop 3 times a day and still have to go
-others experience constipation and you envy them!
-you truly don't go one day without thinking of being pregnant
-your belly can be such a source of fascination!
-you can like looking pregnant but feel embarrassed when everyone notices.
-you HATE when people comment on how "huge" you are for being not very far along.
-you LOVE when people tell you how cute your belly is (take that people who think I'm huge!)
-you don't love when people ask if you're sure there's not twins in there.
-you can eat 10x as much as normal and hardly gain any weight. And honestly how does that work when my baby is so small?!
-if you don't eat the second you need to, you feel like you might die.
-you can truly have a sense of what the sex is... and know you could be completely wrong!
-you actually like maternity clothes and never want to go back to normal!
-the smell of beer makes you wish it was good for the baby!
-you can want a steak every day of the week, for every meal of the day!

The best side effect of pregnancy.

I wasn't expecting this, but I hoped... I hoped that God would bring me to this place where I can enjoy this side effect, and I praise Him for allowing me to be here.

The side effect I'm talking about? It's only one that someone who's experienced IF or Loss can understand... (sadly)

It's feeling happy for those around you. Not just anyone, but those who are pregnant, those who are mothers, those who have the thing you wanted for so long and at one point you couldn't celebrate with them over.

I LOVE this "side effect". I honestly worried I'd get pregnant and still be an enraged bitter woman (I think before I got pg I actually was moving away from that anyway, thank God!) and I would never be able to experience that true genuine, non self-focused joy for others!

But I do! I feel like a "fertile" in that way.

And girls who are dealing with IF, it's a beautiful feeling! To be completely happy for those around you. It something we all hate while experiencing IF, but don't really know how to move away from. And I believe one day you will be here! And you will love it.

Today, I am praising God He has brought me to this place!

13 weeks!!

I am where everyone wants to be :-) Well everyone who isn't further along than me that is! haha...

I am SOOO happy to be here! The second trimester officially starts Friday but I figure I'm as good as there!!

When I woke up this morning I felt like my belly just popped out! I feel so pregnant today. So here it is.. in all it's glory.

So proud!

We went to Green Bay this weekend with Joey's family to watch him run his first marathon! Not only did he make training look like breeze, he made the race look like that too!!

He ran 8 minute miles (just over) and finished his first marathon with a time of 3hrs 32 min. His goal? To finish..... I think he accomplished that! He finished 329th out of a few thousand people!

His twin sister, Jenny, a marathon runner was suppose to run with him but hurt her hip so had to back out... but she jumped in and ran the last 6 miles with him which Joey appreciated :-) So they crossed the finish line together!

5am.... getting ready for the day!

In front of Lambeau filed... right before the race started.

And they're off! 0.1 miles down :-)

Look how great he looks! Mile 13!

Here come the runners.

Isn't he cute?

Mile 20 why are they having so much fun!?!?

Mile 22 getting tired.

Last stop Lambeau field

Taking a lap around the field before crossing the finish line

Joey and his twin sis Jen crossing the finish line together

Joey and his twin sis Jen crossing the finish line together

I was so happy to see him at the finish :-)

SOOOO happy to be done!

Aren't we matchy matchy ? :-)

I was so so so proud of him!

Joey and his sister Angie.

Mothers day weekend

I'm getting a little behind on posts, but here are the pictures from mother's day. We did the race for the cure (again) in honor of Joey's mom who died of breast cancer 2.5 years ago. She was an amazing woman and if you haven't done the walk, it's an incredible experience. We miss you every day Dee Dee!


The whole family (Joey's family). Do you see my buddah belly? :-)

Me and Joey

Walking, our signs in honor of his mom.

Lots of people!




Joey's sisters, his dad and him.

The whole gang that walked in Dee Dee's honor.

And the scales says....

well you better believe I'm not going to tell you WHAT it says.. just THAT it says I've gained 3 lbs. I guess you can't eat like a horse for 9+ straight weeks and NOT gain anything! hopefully I won't be nearly as hungry in the second tri. But I can't complain, 3 lbs in first tri isn't worth complaining about!

An open invitation!

This is to my friends and family and anyone else that I love :-)

We will most likely not call you and ask you to come and visit us.... we won't want you to feel bad if it's a bad time or money is tight, or you're tired or you just don't want to see us :-)

BUT you are always invited... if you're just in town for a day and need a place to stay, or you're on your way through town and just want to grab lunch, or you want to come see us for a whole week... invite yourself!! :-) We'll let you know if the timing doesn't work for us but we WANT people to feel free to come to Chicago! (esp between Sept 23rd and my due date when I will be lonely :-)

So there it is! We want people to come and see us and our home will always be open :-)

Poll results

Wow you guys are really getting to know me :-) Caesar salad is by FAR my favorite salad!!! Though I do love most kinds and I do LOVE fruit salad!!!

But Caesar takes the cake :-) (you know after I eat the salad...)

And I am amazed at the closeness in the delivery poll.... I think we'll have some sort of decision made going in... but as you all know whatever happens happens! :-)

And Erin, yes you're the one who always gets on me to add the pics :-) I love it!

12 weeks!!!!!!

*breathing out* what a milestone this feels like!!! I know I'm not quite in the second tri yet.. but this is where everyone wants to be right? Well everyone who's 4 weeks pg that is! :-)

Yesterday my sister and I bought some maternity clothes for the fall since everything I have been given is short sleeve or sleeveless and it was so much fun to buy clothes and try on the big ole belly :-)

My friend Jenni met us at the store and I came running out of the dressing room with the fake baby belly in and she freaked out cuz she thought it was really me :-) hee hee... it wasn't.. just a big pillow!

Here's some pictures my sister took of me today.

Tuck trying to kiss my belly

Tate said "can your baby give me a kiss?" so cute :-)

With clothes on... think this tank is long enough? haha.

PLEASE VOTE for my sister!!

There are SOOO many of you that can help us!!!

My sister entered a photo contest for Mother's day and hers is battling for #1 and the winner get's $1000!!!! Each person can only vote once so we need TONS of people to vote!!

It's really easy, no signing up, just click here.

Here's her image. BillMissandBrood

LOVE my doppler!

It just came in the mail moments ago and Joey was just walking out the door, so we did it quick and it was so amazing to hear it again!!!

Next time I'll have to record it so you can hear it :-)

11 weeks!

I'm feeling great! My exhaustion is starting to lessen, I made it to bed at 9 and 10 all week (vs 7 or 8) and other than my constant aversion to coffee (SAD!), I don't have any kind of m/s in site!! I should be getting the doppler I rented today I can't wait to hear the heartbeat again :-)




In other news, I should explain the whole deliver thought a bit further. If Joey delivered the baby he would still be my coach through the whole labor. He would only be down there for the push and catch ;-) And we would still have the regular OB there in case of many things, but Joey would actually do the "Catch", assuming all goes smoothly. I know many husband's who aren't dr's have done this. Mine also happens to be one so it even makes more sense for us to consider it!

We'll see. I saw my sister push out a baby (almost caused me to quit IVF! haha) and there wasn't anybody by her head, her hubby was down there watching.... and she looked as fine as she could be (which wasn't very fine at all! eek!! maybe I shouldn't have watched it...).

But we'll see, we still have lots of time to discuss it, it was just making an appt with a new OB that got me thinking about it!

But I am surprised that more people think he shouldn't than should!

Relief and disappointment

So my midwife informed me I had to find someone new in Chicago ASAP because sometimes drs/midwife's don't like to take patients after 12 weeks (Crazy right?)

Well I'm relieved to say I found someone 2 blocks from Joey's hospital and I'll deliver there and it'll be close for big appts ect.

But I'm sad to say I won't be having a midwife :-( If I wanted one I'd have to deliver at a different hospital and I'd have to be much further away from Joey's hospital.

Since I've seen my sister in labor and her midwife spoils her by being with her the whole labor I'm sad to only have a dr at the end... but I guess I do have my husband so he's a good substitute for a midwife ;-) .

But it still feels good to have the appt made! I'll be 14 weeks so that's 3 weeks from now! So I do feel good about that :-)

Ps... any thoughts on weather Joey should deliver the baby or not? Will I want him by my head? Or will I want him being down there?

Holy giant boobies batman!!!

Ok a few weeks ago I said my boob hadn't gotten any bigger (and I was NOT complaining!) but yestserday I went to button up my spring jacket and it would BARELY button! Joey was laughing so hard cuz it looked so ridiculous!

They got giant overnight!! Now my bras aren't holding them in anymore!!! :-(

VOTE for my sister!!

My sister entered a photo contest for Mother's day and hers is in the top 3 and the winner get's $1000. She needs tons of votes!! But each person can only vote once!

It's really easy, no signing up, just click here.

Here's her image.

Playing a victim...

When we go through infertility we become victims. To everything around us. We play the part rather well (I think!) and it's VERY easy to sink into this role. After all we have been caused some great injustice by not being fertile.

And if we're the victims, who are our enemies? Clearly it's the fertile people walking around in this world.

Right?

Well.... sometimes it feels that way, I won't lie. Like those who get pregnant effortlessly and don't endure months and years of pokes and prods and treatments and tens of thousands of dollars, MUST be our enemies!

But how can this be true? How can they REALLY be the enemy? If there were a basket of BFP's sitting up in the sky somewhere and every time a fertile got one, there were one less for us infertiles, surely they WOULD be the enemy, and what a great injustice it would be! But that's not how it works. And even though it feels like that, even us infertile, emotional, irrational women know that.

So why does this happen? Why do we feel the need to be angry when we see pregnant women walking by us, or when we hear of a friend getting pregnant? To be honest, I'm sure the answer will never come. However, being on "this side" of things I'm trying very hard and praying a lot to let go of things that while dealing with infertility I realized might never change.

I've recently been challenged for the first time since being pregnant. One of Joey's and my best friends got pregnant, on their first try. At first I was thrilled! But then I struggled with how to feel after hearing it. I NO DOUBT was elated, but what happened after the elation, was remembering all we had to go through... all the sadness we endured. And I struggled to get out of the slump. Poor us! Poor us! Poor us! And really it had nothing to do with them being pregnant, more than it did the fact that we are infertile and took so long to get here. (CE you've never heard this, but know I mean this to only show my own personal struggles with our own IF :-) I LOVE YOU and truly and THRILLED FOR YOU!!! We're going to have babies together!!!)

But if I still allowed myself to be in the victim role, surely these friends of ours would be the enemy. Sadly sadly so. And what would become of our friendship?

To all of my MANY fertile friends: please know there's no explaining this rationale... there's no reason for us to feel this way, we SHOULDN'T feel this way and to be 100% honest, I think most IF women HATE feeling this way. HATE the ickiness we experience every time a friend or family member gets pregnant and all we can think about is their own grief. Please know we're sorry... for ever making your pregnancy feel less than special. We know how beautiful and wonderful it is.. we just want/wanted it for ourselves too.

To my MANY infertile friends: I think we need to unite together and make a decision to fight against this victimism. We aren't victims to fertiles. We're victims to infertility. And we must remind ourselves that when we see pregnant women walking around we cannot assume to know their story. It might be 100x more heartbreaking than ours. In fact I am now one of those pregnant women walking around!

We need to remember that GOD is in control and while that might make it easier or harder, he for some strange reason has a beautiful plan that will ONE DAY lead to each of us becoming mommies. When that plan is revealed.... TRUST ME it will be all worth it!

I would NEVER take back the 2 1/2 years it took us to get our tiny little baby with his/her tiny little beating heart. We are who we are now because of the fight we have fought.

My faith is where it is now because I had to learn to trust in my God in a WHOLE NEW WAY. I love my husband more than I knew possible because we endured this together. I've watched him weep when I didn't know he did that! I've watched him rejoice in a way I don't know he would have before!

So let's step away from being victims and allow ourselves to experience JOY through all this sorrow. Trust me.. it's there. It's just not always as obvious for us.

I love you all.

It's graduation day!!!!!!!!

Today my husband becomes a Doctor. He completes his task that he's been working toward since he was 10 and his mom was diagnosed with breast cancer and he decided to become a doctor.

This is a huge day in both of our lives (and the lives of our families!).. and I am beyond proud of him!

I will post pictures later!

and now I'm predicted a girl

WEIRD!!! I just did the SAME test and it came back a girl..... very odd!

Our beautiful little heartbeat.....

It took about 2 seconds for her to get that heartbeat going and it sure was beating fast!!! about 185 beats per minute!! SOOOOO beautiful :-) I recorded it on my cell phone and have listened at least 20 times :-)

**Praising God for the blessing of this baby... how can we deserve this?