Bad news about Colombia...

So the country we were hoping to adopt from has had some recent changes in the laws about adoption to foreigners. As things once seemed so perfect, they don't at all now. The wait for an infant is 2-3 years! I'm sure it's less for some, but we don't want to take that chance. I think we're back to domestic adoption.

But we'll see!

Pls pray for me, I feel miserable.

I don't know what's going on with my body, but the last three nights I have had VERY intense cramping all through the evening, night and morning. Last night they were waking me up they hurt so bad! So I think it could mean 1 of 2 things.

1. I'm getting my period and my body which normally cramps bad enough, is cramping all the more bc I'm sluffing two eggs (which would be weird bc they're so small!) but when I O'd 2 eggs the pain was very intense.

2. I'm pregnant and even though I've gotten two BFN's, I still am.

Either way I don't feel well and I want it to stop. I'd love to take a midol, but I don't dare take anything until I find out tomorrow.

I can feel AF coming...

I just imagine she's right around the corner.... :-(

HURRAYY!!!!

Okay I am ecstatic (yes much different than previous post). I touched base with the woman at the agency we plan on going with to adopt from Colombia and she said only one of us needs to be 25 to adopt!!!!!!!!! So we don't have to wait until March! Praise GOD :-) So after Wed if we're not pregnant we will be officially on the adoption train!! I'm so thrilled, I cannot wait to bring our beautiful baby home!

Really sucky day.

Joey and I have both just had really bad days. We're both just so sad. We're so ready to be done with this, we're so ready to be parents, and now it just feels like one huge road block shoved in front of us. We're both SO excited about possibly adopting from Colombia, and we agreed that after wed if we're not pregnant that we'll start the paperwork (yeah!) BUT we still have to wait until my 25th birthday (8 months) to send the paperwok to Colombia, so we're just sad that we just know the whole process is going to take forever, and we already feel like we've been waiting forever.

Please pray for us, we're so ready to be parents and we just are so unsure of when that will happen.

Thanks.

Hold the phone, we might have MALE FACTOR?!?!?

Okay, I got a call today from the dr's office saying Joey needs to have a SPA (no, not a luxury day filled with mud baths and cucumbers...). It's a sperm penetration assay, it will let them know if his sperm can penetrate an egg. They actually mix male sperm with hamster eggs (yes you read that right) to see if or how many are able to penetrate. Then they can properly send you to the correct treatments. Don't worry, the egg can't further develop with human sperm in it so we won't have little half Joey's half hamsters running around! (I'm not really ready to commit to another animal anyway right now.)

Moving on...here's the thing, we were told (by the Cambridge clinic) that Joey has fantastic sperm... but apparently after our RE's office getting their hands on it for the IUI, they saw abnormalities... something like 4% instead of 10% desired morph. (These #'s don't mean much to me, I might have them wrong).

Like an idiot I called Joey right away at work to tell him to schedule the test (he will need to do it ASAP so if IUI#1 fails, we'll know weather to proceed with IUI#2 or not). Well I forget that people who don't work in their pj's all day at home, might not like getting "Bad" news while at work. I think he's feeling very frustrated and was told that our Dr would call him personally so they could discuss it.

I personally don't feel too moved by the news, I actually felt a twinge of relief knowing what the problem might be! Of course if there are issues, we'll know that IUI's will be a waste of our time, so we'd probably turn to adoption earlier... but still I think this will be hard on Joey.

All I know is that if we had found this out 4 months ago, I might not have dealt with it very well. I might have felt frustrated at Joey that we weren't getting pregnant. And of course I would never want him to feel blame! So I praise God that He brought me to this place before He might be revealing this news to us.

I'm hoping he can schedule the appt for either tomorrow or Monday because they have to hold the sperm for 3 days before the perform the test.

Anyways, that's our update!

I have a pimple!!! :-)

Okay I'm trying not to get my hopes up, but I woke up this morning (6dpiui) and I had a big ole pimple smiling back at me in the mirror! You must be thinking you've read this wrong? Yes? Well no you haven't! I am very excited about the pimple because I NEVER get pimples until a day or two before my period, not a whole week! So it could be something else! :-)

Who knows, we'll see!

Did I read that right????

So I finally starated getting explanations of benefits for the stuff we've been doing with the RE for the last two months. And I can't believe my eyes...we aren't paying anything in FULL!?!?!?!?!?!?!
It's not that our insurance is covering anything, but they have made some sort of arrangement with Health Partners (who we've never used before) that says since we're self pay the clinic can only charge a certain amount for certain things. For instance my $1400 HSG is only $231!!!!! It feels like a miracle!! Other things that were $250 are now $170 and so on... I can't even belive it! I've been thanking God over and over for this gift! We never expected it but we'll take it!!

Thanks for letting me share!

Oh and quick update, Joey told me go ahead and call about the baby situation (I think to satisfy me)... I did and after a half hour conversation with the attorney about it, I prayed about it all day and at the end of the day, I knew it wasn't for us. When he came home and I told him all about it, it was so wonderful to know that in the end, we agreed and were on the same page!

My husband the dream killer...

So here's the thing about Joey and I. We're very different. I realize this. I always have. Over the course of our marriage I have tried to adapt myself to being sensitive about the differences, in his favor. I'm sure he's the same way, but sometimes it doesn't feel that way.

So through this 2 week wait, I've been trying to keep myself busy thinking about anything other than the fact that I'm waiting in agony to find out if I'm pregnant. So I've been looking at real estate online and making dinner dates with friends (not one open night this week) And today I come across an available baby situation where the woman is due in January. A woman on an adoption forum I am on had the place she adopted her baby from (A private firm, not a normal adoption agency) contact her about a baby for adoption seeing if she knew of anyone interested. The couple is both willing to consent for the adoption and the baby is due in January... I mention this (ever so casually to Joey, as necessary) and he was all weird about it. Not that I'm surprised, but I just asked if we could consider giving the agency a call to look into it IF our IUI failed. He was all weird again about it... he can't think about that and this, he just needs to focus on this IUI or the next one yada yada yada.

So I stop talking about it. I respect the fact the fact that he is completely different than I and can't (ie doesn't want to) talk about exciting possibilities in the future. But here's the thing: I almost NEED to talk about exciting things in the future in order not to go crazy about the things in the present. I need to fill my head with other things so I don't go crazy with disappointment if for some reason we aren't pregnant.

It's so frustrating. I'm not asking him to commit to anything. I'm not asking him to be ready for adoption. I'm not asking anything other than him possibly, maybe just maybe being willing to let me call and see about the adoption if next wed comes around and we're not pregnant. And he can't even talk about it.

It's like there are times that we can only do what he wants to do. It seems it doesn't matter what I feel like I need to do as self preservation. Can't we possibly find a common ground to self preserve ourselves together? He talks about the future of residency, or where we'll live or when we'll move, why can't we talk about this?

Doesn't he understand I just want to have a baby?! Doesn't he understand that I don't care if it's Black, Brown, Purple, Blue, Orange or Yellow, I just want a baby and I'm so afraid to wait YEARS to have one? That I'm so afraid everyone in my family will just continue to blossom their families while we sit empty armed. Doesn't he understand that?

Of course he does. I know he does. Because I know he feels the same way. It just doesn't feel like it when he seems to be the only one that gets to self preserve himself in the way he knows how. While I just get the brush off when I mention any little thing.

I'm just sad today. I don't know why, it just came out of know where.

I am a blog hog.

I know it. I'm sorry I post so often, but remember this is my journal as well and I know one day I will look back on these entries and will be reminded over and over again of the amazing things God has done in my life!

An internet friend posted a beautiful song on her blog and her reflections on it. I felt compelled to comment and I wanted to post my comment here:


"......I went through so many months where I was so sad and hurt and angry, all the time. But I knew God would bring me out of it, and He did.. as always promised. Now I feel I have a new faith, one that is so much more real than anything I ever had before. Just this morning on the way to my 2nd IUI, there was a praise song on the radio (don't even know what it was!) and I was praying and I was so overwhelemed with our Father's love and grace and the abundance of them that I couldn't even bring myself to ask for a baby. I knew right then and there that he has given me SO much more than I deserve and I have no choice but to simply praise him."

Back from round two

and PRAISE God I feel great!! I'm still laying in bed working, but I ran a few errands after the IUI, got Joey a gift (I'm so proud of him through this!) and now I'm back and working. I feel so good, just like a normal day! Crazy ha?

Thanks for all your prayers, I get to find out in just a week and a half so hopefully that time will fly!!

for the fertiles....

I know a lot of you are infertile :-( but there are still lots of fertiles who read my blog. So I'm posting this article (that is very well written) and asking you to seriously consider reading it and maybe even passing it on (I know it's long). Don't worry, this isn't based on your responses to me, but for others around you who might be struggling with IF.

Part of my desire for this blog is to hopefully to "educate" those who don't know much about IF. And since to fertiles getting pregnant probably seems like the easiest task in the world, many times people don't really think before they speak to an IF about the problem.

So if you wouldn't mind reading this and passing it on to your other fertile friends I would really appreciate it!

Thanks.

CLICK HERE FOR ARTICLE

I'm back and filled to the brim :-)

I am so glad it's over though! It was anything but painfree.. at one point I was in such pain I almost yelped outloud, but I put on my big girl panties (figuratively of course as I was bearing it all out in the open) and stayed quiet. It was over quickly so that was good, but it left me feeling very exhausted. A few points on my drive home I was afraid I might pass out. But I talked to my sister most of the way so that helped!

But something funny happened on the way home, I was on the phone with Miss and this older man (probably mid 50's) was STARING at me in a way that left me feeling a bit violated! Anyways, so I was telling my sister and she said "you just say to him, I just got pregnant, so back off!" haha.. what a great attitude!

Anyways now I'm laying in bed working. I decided to bed rest myself because.. well because I can! So I have a whole little office set up on the bed for me!

I have another IUI tomorrow at 9:30 but I'm just enjoying laying down for now! I still feel a bit sick and I'm ready for that to wear off!

Oh and about the shot, my poor bum is still in a lot of pain!! When I was driving my stick shift, every time I had to use the clutch my butt cheek would flex and yikes it hurt! But that too will pass!

Did you need to see pictures?

I thought so!

Getting all ready. He looks like a dr in training doesn't he?

Does it look as big to you as it did to me?

He looks a bit creepy.... and excited!


Do I look ready?

haha, I just got a kick out of the fact that he wanted to take this pic!


And I should just say that Joey was really sweet, afterwards he was like "I'm so sorry I had to do that to you!" And told me he was really nervous, he didn't want to hurt me! :-) What a gem!

I keep thinking to myself "I feel like I have something to do tonight..."

And then I remember, I need to get a shot in my butt in about half an hour! I can't forget to do that :-)

Note to self. Bend over. Get shot.

I'm a ripe one!!

I had another u/s today and I'm good to go :-) Tonight I get the butt shot and tomorow I have an appt for IUI#1 at 9:45am and for round 2 on Friday at 9:30!!!

I can't wait, I'm so excited. Everyday I feel more and more hopeful, in the way I know God intended me to be. I'm trusting more and more that He has a beautiful plan for us.

I hope in a few weeks to deliver good news!!!

This has never happened before.

I just got a text from my sweet Joey that said:

"are you happy?"

I text back and said "I'm in love with you... I'm happy. Are you happy?"

He said "I'm nervous (About IUI not working)"

I said "It will work"

This is the first time in our IF trials that I have been the one to encourage him to have hope! I praise God that He's given me the hope in the first place (i've been asking for it!) and that I had it to share with my wonderful huband.

2 Beautiful follicles!!

I've never been so proud of my egg makers!! You go girls :-)

They were not quite big enough to be released, but hopefully soon!! they were 14 and 15 mm and they want them to be around 20mm. I have another u/s tomorrow so hopefully they'll have grown! We'll be doing 2 iui's which I didn't realize, so 2 eggs + 2 iui's = get us a baby!! :-)

UglyRachel

In case you haven't noticed I have another blog called ugly rachel.

There are lots of new photos so take a look!

It's never a good sign to wake up sad.

I don't know what happened, I woke up, called my sister (not sure why I did that just coming out of my slumber) and had a wierd conversation with her (my fault) and when I got off the phone, I just started bawling. Joey's been working so much, I have had like 2 hours with him all week, he works today and all through the week until 8 or 9 at night. His only day off is saturday, which is sucky cuz that's the only day I'm gone all day :-(

I went to church and it was good, but I felt kind of in a cloud. There were so many babies around me. I feel like EVERYONE in my church got pregnant like the same day. Because there are what feels like a MILLION babies the exact same age all around me. And seeing all the babies wasn't even that sad. I left church feeling fine, but now as I sit in my house, all alone, with my dog (who isn't even by me!) I feel sad again. And now thinking of the babies makes my heart hurt. I just want this to go away.

I'm going to Tucker's 1st birthday party today and I hope I do okay. Since I had a wierd conversation with my sister this morning and I've felt so sad, I just hope I can keep it together.

I was going to haveTate (3) spend the night with me, but I honestly just need to see how I feel. I might not be up to it tonight.

We'll see..

I feel like a new person!

It's no surprise to those who know me that when God gets His hands on me, He works quickly in my life. He always has! I know that this IF process hasn't exactly been quick, but it wasn't until January that I really started dealing with it. And I KNOW that God has done a complete 180 in my life since then! I feel like a new person! And I like this person better :-).

A friend recently asked me what I felt God wanted to do with me through this infertility. This was my response:

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i think it's all about the the things he's teaching me along the way. I honestly don't think it has much to do with the end result at all, as much as the ways i'm growing along journey.

i used to have a faith that looked rock solid.. i even believed it was.. most days. But I still knew deep down it could be shattered if I didn't like the path God took me. I knew that and it was my biggest fear. Through this, He has shown me my faith WON'T shatter, because He is stronger than I and He will hold me up when I need him.

I have never felt so intune with God. I hear him constantly, and I've seen the rewards of following his instructions first hand. It's amazing!

i'm a third child and I have this thing inside me that knows how to make a situation seem the way I want it, or go the way I want it... I can make things happen, which can be a good thing, but it can be a bad thing too. God has shown me in a huge way that I CAN'T and SHOULDN'T control all things. Only HE is the One who knows the answers and plans, and that I need to let go of that part of me and trust him. I am His and His alone.

and TRULY in a way I've never known before, His grace is sufficient for me.

I found out My sister is pregnant with her fourth child. it was the lowest blow I EVER imagined possible during this journey. And yet I can't even begin to explain all the healing I know has taken place in my heart in just a few weeks.

I'm just a different person, I have a new attitude, new perspective and a new faith. And even when Infertility ends, I know the teaching will just continue. Maybe not as concentrated as during this time, but God's been doing some real work at the core, and that won't change. And I wouldn't want it to.

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God has done more things in my life than I EVER imagined possible... in such a short period of time! He brought me to this place where I know without a doubt I will never leave His side and He will never leave mine! I don't know what our future holds for us, I don't know when a baby will be a part of our lives, but that's not what this is about. Not at all.

THANK YOU MAE!

There is this amazing Christian woman who is going through the adoption process who is my new internet friend.

I was talking about my frustrations that Joey can't get excited about adoption until we're faced with that decision, because it squashes his hope. Whereas I have MORE hope thinking of adoption because it's an exciting option if the IUI's fail.

This was her response to me. What an amazing woman.

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Your God will lead you both down the same path when you are meant to travel it. Together. Have faith in that. You each want a bio child, you long for one, you crave the experience. Joey is still 100% committed to that path and for self preservation, focus and/or emotional stability, he can only walk that one path right now. It doesn't mean that he won't be able to take the fork in the road once he comes to it, it just means that you may have gotten there slightly ahead of him. You may even be straddling both at once! Women are known as the multi-taskers after all ; ) Again I say, your God will lead you both down the same path when you are meant to travel it. Together.

Take faith and comfort in the fact that no matter what happens with the IUI's, you and Joey WILL be parents. You will be a Mother. He will be a Father. You will have children.

And that IS exciting!!!!

That's the wonderful and beautiful thing about adoption. It's not an if. It's a when. God WILL bring you the children that you are meant to have. You know this already, but sometimes it is nice to hear : )

holy emotions batman!

Well I've heard clomid can be a doozy for people. Here I am one day down (reminder must take 2nd days in 40 minutes) and I can feel it! :-( I've had a massive headache all day, compliments of clomid, I just about burst into tears on the phone with my dad for no reason, compliments of clomid, and just a few moments ago I felt a bout of anger coming on (again for no reason). Wanna guess compliments of who?

Clomid.

I can't wait until I'm done taking this. I hope this week goes by quickly, I'm tired and crabby and sad (but still excited about Colombia!)...

oh my goodness adoption!

I cannot stop thinking about it! I know I should be focusing on the IUI, but I can't stop focusing on the beautiful children in these other countries who have no homes!! I've been researching and have found a country that I think suites us perfectly. I am waiting to hear back from a woman regarding some questions, but I am very impressed with what I see so far.

Am I crazy?!?!?!

A night with Mr. and Mrs. PG

Last night Joey and I went to Mr. and Mrs. Pg's house (names will be kept hidden to protect the one later named in the post as the pant pea-er). This was the first Mr. and Mrs. to get Pg since we "outed" our IF struggles back in January. This was a pregnancy that I especially struggled a great deal with. But through the grace of God Satan did NOT take this friendship and I hope that this process has actually strengthened it!

Anyways, so we got together with them and ate dinner and played games. It was a great night filled with DYING of laughter, peeing of the pants (Mrs. PG-7 months pregnant!) and more laughter (followed by more peeing of the pants)! It was such a great night. It was in fact the first time I've been with Mrs. Pg where I didn't cry afterwards. I KNOW that's from God. I KNOW that's a sign of how far He's brought me and that means I'm not as completely self focused as I was when this whole thing started!

I praise God for the place that He's brought this friendship and where He's brought MY heart!

The feeling of prodded ovaries...

I'm not going to lie, I've never been a big fan. A cold, hard jelly object pushing and prodding my inside lady parts. It's less than desirable or comfortable.

But that's what's needed.

So my ovaries are "quiet" and my lining looks good. I start clomid tomorrow through saturday and next Tuesday we'll do the same thing again, but hopefully they'll say I'm good to trigger and be fertalized :-)

So that's the update.

Oh and I should add that my stomache has felt upset since the appt and I feel like I have scrambled eggs (yes pun intended)! hahaha, I think I'm so funny :-)

I'm definitely going to need Chinese food.

After I showered I sobbed and sobbed on Joey. I just feel so defeated. It's official, we can't do this on our own.

You'd think after 19, or 20 or 21 cycles I would know that, but apparently I needed just that many to let it sink in. I just feel so sad. There is no more beauty in "trying to make a baby". There is no more naivity in finding out we're pregnant. We are now reduced to cold exam tables and test tubes. I know if we get pregnant through IUI it will be a beautiful thing, I know that. But the process is not the same.

Joey and I were thinking about going to a surprise birthday party for my uncle tonight. But I can't do it. I'm just so sad. I can't face a bunch of people who are happy with their lives and their children and their pregnancies. I can't face them when I'm so sad about my lack of all those things.

Chinese has habitually been my sad food in the past. I don't think tonight will be much different.

There she blows

Well my period came. I was hopeful this month that it wouldn't, I even had a HPT (home pregnancy test) ready for today, but instead of two pink lines on the HPT, I was greeted with.... well you know.

Anyways, I have made my appt for my baseline U/S (ultrasound) for Monday, then I'll start Clomid on Tuesday and that will go on for five days and then I'll get monitored until I'm good and ready for my eggs to pop! (or release, whatever). And we'll do the insemination. That will be 12-14 days from now. (after the onimous shot in my butt!)

I'm praying for a few eggs (and not just one) but NOT too many, or they'll cancel the whole cycle (which no, doesn't = a refund for the money spent). Anyways. I'm looking forward to this and believing that this fully could work, in a way I've never believed before.

I'M SO TIRED OF BEING INFERTILE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

That's it. No further text.

How do I feel today?

I'm not sure. I feel really conflicted in my heart. Part of me feels overwhelmed with the what ifs.

What if our IUI's don't work.
What if we have to move on to IVF? Can we afford it? Will we choose it?
What if we adopt, will I always mourn for a child from my womb?
What if we never have a child. What would that mean for our lives?
What if I never get through this, what if it's just going to be like this for the rest of my lives?

I know not all of those questions are rational, but it's hard to know what questions are realistic and which ones are not. I woke up this morning with international adoption on my heart. I've almost NEVER wanted to adopt internationally for the first one. But this morning it was there, staring me in the soul as I came out of my dream.

I started doing some research. Many countries have age restrictions and so many countries cost SO MUCH money. There are just so few that cost less than $30,000+ to adopt from. And then to sort out the ones that we qualify for. It's exhausting.

Anyways, that's still a ways away, we'll be doing the IUI's starting the protocol in just a few days (waiting for AF to arrive). And we're praying and believing these can work for us. So hopefully I don't have to consider alternatives until they come as a first time choice. But that's it. I don't want to think about this right now anymore. I have work to do. I'm feeling a bit behind from taking yesterday off. But I think I can manage, so if I make myself focus, I won't have to think about this anymore. Right?

We'll see.

The walk of doom...on the way to shot teaching class!

So Joey and I had an appt at CRM (center for reproductive medicine) today at 8am for a shot teaching class. We walk in right at 8 and the waiting room is plump full. Then a few seconds later a nurse comes and calls us to follow her and silently we all wisk away.

We walked down a few long winding hallways and I could hear the silence between the 5 couples get louder and louder and I couldn't help but think "this is what making a baby has come to. Going to a class with other married couples to learn how to get a shot (by your husband no other) in the butt."

And let me tell you, that needle was no tiny butterfly needle, it was the mother of all mothers!! Yikes.

Also, the nurse explained the area of the buttock we would receive the shot is thick skin and he need to apply a lot of "force" to get the needle in! *zoiks*

Now if there are words I don't like together (and I haven't given it much thought before today) but they are the words: giant needle, butt, husband, lots of force, thick skin... all in one sentence! *sigh*

All in the all the class went well but lets just say I'm not looking forward to this shot at all! Joey on the other hand, I think it quite excited about the endeavor! But I do hope we only have to do this once!