I received the following email from a girl I know today:
"I just wanted you to know what an inspiration your blog has been to me. I cannot imagine what you and the many other millions of women in this world are going though, but I do know that your blog has touched me spiritually over the last few months. I am so touched by your love for God and his Will and plan for your life. I love your frankness and how you're not afraid to just lay things out on the table. I know that the Lord appreciates your honesty and realness on a daily basis. So many Christians are afraid to be real these days and you have just inspired me to be more real with myself, my walk with God and people in my life. You are such a strong woman and don't ever forget that. I know that God is using you to minister to people and you may not even know about it. I know you ministered to me. So I'm sure there are many others! Keep the faith girl...you're doing an Amazing job."
"I just wanted you to know what an inspiration your blog has been to me. I cannot imagine what you and the many other millions of women in this world are going though, but I do know that your blog has touched me spiritually over the last few months. I am so touched by your love for God and his Will and plan for your life. I love your frankness and how you're not afraid to just lay things out on the table. I know that the Lord appreciates your honesty and realness on a daily basis. So many Christians are afraid to be real these days and you have just inspired me to be more real with myself, my walk with God and people in my life. You are such a strong woman and don't ever forget that. I know that God is using you to minister to people and you may not even know about it. I know you ministered to me. So I'm sure there are many others! Keep the faith girl...you're doing an Amazing job."
Contradictory to what you might think, I struggle with this email. While I am very excited for this woman's faith and the ways God is using me in her life to strengthen it, I can't help but have some inner turmoil through it. Here's why: I am terrified that God is planning to use me in big ways (that I didn't sign up for!) to minister to others about IF. Don't get me wrong, I am delighted and will continue to be willing to do God's work in this dept. But the reason I am terrified is because what if I have to wait forever (or years, they feel the same to me!) to have my own children to "truly" be able to do God's work in this place?
Tonight I confronted God with this fear (just in case He wasn't already aware!) And I surprised myself when I said to Him "Lord, just do it. (do I owe Nike money now?) Just go ahead and do whatever you want in my life. Use me how you want. I know you will anyway, so here I am surrendering."
I am shocked that not only did I say it, I meant it! I know fully that means God is changing me in ways I didn't even recognize! As I quoted C.S. Lewis earlier today, I am terrified for how painful God's perfect plan for my life might be. But I guess all I can do is wait, and continue to trust and love Him!
1 comment:
Wow, Rachel, you are learning some of the deep things of God. Those are powerful words you are writing, and I think they touch every Christian who has struggled and wondered "just how painful God's best might be."
And yet you chose surrender to the One who is worthy of all surrender. What a precious sweet sacrifice, what a gift to our dear Savior.
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