I'm at my house, all alone and all day I've been on the verge of tears, but I find myself holding them back. I even took a long shower, spending some time sitting on the ground (normally resulting in a good cry) but nothing came. And it's not that they're not there, they are! I'm just holding them in!
I wish Joey was home, I wish I could just lay in bed with him and cry with him. But I know even if he were home, I wouldn't do that. These days I find myself holding back with him. Even after church yesterday when I was so sad, I didn't want to talk about it with him. Eventually he quit asking me about it and we went on our normal day.
If I talk about it too much, or at certain times it seems to make him depressed when I'm down. So I find myself pretending I'm fine and eventually he forgets about it. I know it's not healthy, but half the time I feel like he's mad at me, or annoyed at me because of the way I feel. And I can't control the way I feel. So instead I just say nothing.
Maybe that's why today I'm holding back my tears, beacuse in a sense I've been training myself to do that around him.
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Dear sweet Rachel,
How my heart aches for you, having been through the awful emotional ups and down of infertility myself. I appreciate your honesty so much - the way you pour your heart out to Jesus. Hold on to Him the best you can.
When this is over (and I believe it will end), may you be able to look back and see God's hand in all this.
I'm praying for you!
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