Back when we were still dealing with IF (I say that like it's not a part of our lives anymore, but I think you know what I mean), I was desperately trying to find the answer for how you know when you're ready to move onto adoption. Or how you know you can "come to terms" with adoption over carrying a child in your body.
I was often told that adoption can't be a second choice. And to be honest I didn't really understand how that was possible when we went through 2 years of Infertility to get to adoption.. clearly it was a second choice for us.
But I realized yesterday that I 100% understand and validate that response. I had someone email me asking me how you know, or how you come to terms with adoption. and this was my response to her:
"I appreciate the honesty in the way you worded your questions. I think the truth is, when you're still trying to "come to terms" with adoption, it means you're not ready. I can't explain it, but I too found myself searching for answers and the "cure" to get over IF and move to adoption.. but sadly no one could really give me the answer.
And then it was just like that, both my DH and I were ready. And instead of sadness from BFN's, there was so much Joy for what lay ahead. And we knew we were ready. God gave us an overnight change of heart.
So I don't think I can answer your questions about dealing with not carrying this child, or coming to terms with adoption. But I can tell you this. Until you're ready, please except that you're not ready. It's so necessary to let your heart heal before you move to adoption. Adoption is NOT a cure for infertility.
I was told so many times adoption shouldn't be a second choice...and I wondered how that was really possible when it took 2 yrs of IF to bring us to adoption, which would be our second choice. But I know now that if I had the choice between being pregnant or adopting this baby, I couldn't chose pregnancy. That's how committed I feel to this baby that I know will be ours. I can't explain it, other than I know for us, it's become our first choice."
I know that when we decided to adopt our hearts were in the right place and we were completely ready to move on... but it wasn't until I got that email and replied that I realized just how great of a change it really was for us. And I was praising God through the roof yesterday for the beautiful transformations in our hearts, because I truly can't imagine being anywhere else right now... even pregnant!
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8 comments:
Honey,
Even though we are alike in so many ways - you know posting my feelings for the world to see is one area we are completely different!!! I would gladly share my feelings with anyone I was sharing a cup of coffee with but.. this is probably a complete surprise to you and anyone else that knows me but i wanted to make a public statement after reading your post for today.
First of all my heart has ached right along side you and Joey - more than anything I have yearned for you to have a child of your own. I still pray God will bless you with a biological child however I am in complete agreement with you about the child you are waiting for. I am waiting for "her" too!
I find myself looking at children wondering what your child will look like and I can hardly wait to meet her (it really feels like it will be a girl although we would love alittle boy too!)
When Mary and Ritchie had Phillip - I realized as I was holding him that we don't know him yet and yet we already loved him. I felt like I was getting a preview of holding your baby when it arrives.
I love you and Joey so much. I can't imagine going thru this process without the complete understanding that we have a God that loves us so much that no matter what we are going thru - He is with us and wants something even better for us than we could possibly imagine for ourselves.
Love,
Mom
Rachel,
As a psuedo friend, who for the most part has just been blessed to stand on the side line and watch. Your journey from mourning, to acceptance, to overblown joy and the prospect of adopting has been amazing to view.
Your strength and character are outstanding, know that.
Yeah for you!
Aw, your Mom's post made me tear up :-)
I just wanted to say that you are truly an inspiration. It's wonderful that you have this blog to get your voice out to those who need to hear it.
~Maria
(MKC101103 on The Nest)
The way you explained "Adoption is not a 2nd Choice" is so true! There really just does become a time when you are so excited to bring this baby home and you don't know anything about this child but if you had to chose you would stay on the path of adoption over being pregnant. God does work miracles! The really exciting part is you are only half way there. Can you imagine what it will be like when you finally have the child home that you hoped and prayed for! Good luck!
What a beautiful insight, Rachel! I can feel all of your happiness and I can't wait to see that precious little baby face in your blog.
Absolutely beautifully written....and I cried at my desk at work when I read your mom's post. YOU ARE SO LUCKY TO HAVE SUCH A SUPPORTIVE FAMILY!!!!
Hi Rachel!
I hope and pray that someday I will be RIGHT where you are right now in this whirlwind of IF and adoption. I know that for some it can be a long grueling process, but I pray that we can all be blessed w/ a wonderful attitude that you have. I think you hit the nail on the spot though - that until you can truly give up, or go w/out being pg, and chosing to adopt over that ... than quite possibly you just aren't ready yet. I know for a fact that we aren't ready ... but I am LOVING the research, and just letting the idea grow in my heart. More and more it's not as "scary" as it might seem when you are going through IF.
I thank you from the bottom of my heart for your emails ... you sure do know how to be an eye opener ... or how to put somebody in deep thought!! :)
Much Love,
MereD
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