Finding Joy in infertility....

Recently someone I love asked me if when I become pregnant will my joy return? I was a bit puzzled by the question because I feel that I still have a lot of Joy, just with some bad days in between.

But as I've been praying about it I'm asking God "do I really have Joy?" And what exactly does that mean in my life through this process. And is it possible to truly be joyful in all our circumstances?

The bible tells us to take on our sufferings for Christ. I love how 1 Peter 4:12 puts it:

"Dear friends, do not be surprised at the painful trial you are suffering, as though something strange were happening (I love that part) to you. But rejoice that you participate in the suffering of Christ. That you may be overjoyed when his glory is revealed." (and I better believe it WILL be revealed, amen?!)

And the truth is I DO see all the ways God has already used this journey in my life to better me and further my faith. But would I say I am rejoicing in this suffering? I find myself worried that I might be as Paul described the Galatians:

"Formerly when you did not know God, you were slaves to those who by nature are not gods. But now that you know God - or rather are known by God - how is it that you are turning back to those weak and miserable principles? (for me - bitterness, anger, lack of hope?) Do you wish to be enslaved by them all over again?"

Then he jumps ahead to say:

"What has happened to all your Joy?"

So even though I say I have Joy, and in part I probably do... I'm not sure that I'm constantly moving forward as much as I'd like to believe. Maybe I am falling backwards more often than I thought.

I don't want to be enslaved, not by anger, or fear, or bitterness or disappointment. I don't want to be enslaved by ANYTHING!. I have complete freedom in Christ and I want that to be apparent in my life. I don't want infertility to be the one area I allow myself to fall back in just because poor me.

Don't get me wrong, I still think I'm allowed to have bad days (and certainly I will). But I don't every want to lose site of God in those bad days... for as the footprints story says: "those are the days that He is carrying me".

And I want the good days to be filled with the Joy I have in Christ. The joy I have from the suffering HE went through for ME. I could never compare what I'm going through to have a baby to what He went through for my salvation. And if I had to chose a baby, or salvation, hands down it would be my salvation.

So I need to remember.... that no matter what, the most important thing in my life is Christ's abundant love for me. End of story.

This is just a season in my life.