My heart is aching today.

Today was a great day. I woke up early, worked out, took a dip in the pool, soaked in the hot tub, had a great breakfast and we had a great 2 hour car ride together. Then we went to the mall and I bought a cute gap sweater for $12 (had a gift card!) and was very excited to find it so cheap. And then out of no where everything changed.

I saw our stroller in the mall. There were what felt like MILLIONS of babies in the mall, but this particular stroller struck me. Hard. It's the same one we have sitting in our laundry room all set up and ready to be used. The one my sweet Joey brought home to me and surprised me with just a few weeks after we finished our home study. The stroller we had picked out and decided was perfect for us and our baby. A gift from my husband.

That stroller. The one that is sitting in our laundry room completely unused.

I usually am able to just look past all the baby stuff we still have in our house: the crib I haven't had time to take down, the baby onsies and bottles I haven't had time to put away, the snowsuit I bought in case we brought a baby home in the dead of winter (REI brand new with tags for $5.. so cute). The cute robe and towel my sister bought me that's sitting in our linen closet. The bike trailer/stroller we bought that's hanging up in our garage, the exersaucer in the basement closet... the list goes on. All these things I am amazingly able to look passed on a daily basis (when we're home of course).

But seeing OUR stroller in the mall with a baby in it was too much to bear. Joey and I started talking about it and before I knew it was a mess.

I honestly believed we would have a baby in our home by the time my sister went into labor. I don't know why, but in my heart I truly believed I would be at the hospital seeing her baby with my baby in our arms.

How could I know? Sure I should have assumed it would take longer, but how could I know that our adoption agency would lose it's licence? That we would be out $7500 and no where near having a baby in our homes.

I'm glad I didn't know, because allowing myself to feel the pure joy of "knowing" we were adopting and bringing a baby home and shopping for our baby was glorious. No worries involved, no possible m/c or fears of preterm labor... nothing.. just pure joy. We were going to have a baby. We were going to be parents.

I wouldn't trade those months for the world. I loved believing with all my heart it was going to happen. But now being on the other side I wonder how I'll ever be able to believe again. Even if a child grows in my womb, I don't know that I'll ever be as sure as I felt when we were adopting.

And that is hard.

I can't believe I'm here and don't have a baby. I can't believe I'm here. It just feels so wrong. I had hoped we'd travel to interviews with a newborn.. I had hoped and for some strange reason believed we actually might.

And here I am. No baby. Just a stroller. An empty stroller.