How do you do this? Yes we're pregnant. But CLEARLY we're still infertile. We assume we will have to go through IVF again if we plan on getting pregnant again. And due to our horrible fertilization rates, I worry that if we don't get enough eggs another IVF cycle might not even work. I've even had some nightmares about my slightly high FSH level sky rocketing in the next few years and IVF being a waste of time.
Anyways, I digress.
So here I am happily 10weeks (tomorrow) pregnant and getting so close to the end of my first trimester it's amazing... but still feeling infertile at times.
Why is this?! Will I ever just feel normal again? Will I ever just feel like any other pregnant woman or mom? Or will I always remember that it took us so long and so many heartbreaks and so much fricken money to get here.. when others blink and it happens?
I have a friend who recently found out she's pregnant and she didn't tell me... I found out through the nest.. so I emailed her and she confessed she was pg. She said she felt guilty telling me because it happened easy for them (3rd cycle). She said she recognized that just because I'm pregnant doesn't take those hurts away. I thought it was really sweet that she cared so much, and while I am very excited for her.. she's right. Being pregnant doesn't equal being fertile.
When will this go away?
****ps I am not in anyway mad at this friend! :-)
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13 comments:
You know, I don't think it goes away. Maybe lessens or changes over time, but never goes away. You are so right about being pregnant not being equal to being fertile. I am trying to focus on the positives. I like to think that infertility has made me more patient and empathetic to others.
I can't pretend to know how you are feeling but I hope and pray that the pain you've felt will dissapate slowly as you feel that baby kick and move for the first time, then when you hold him or her for the first time and see what a miracle you and Joey have created. You will soon be a mother - something you will be for the rest of your life!
Holy crap! I didn't know where this was going...
I am so sorry that this friend didn't tell you and I hope that you find ease and understanding through prayer. That is what helps me.
Rachel,
I have been reading your blog now since the last adoption. I just wanted to share that my aunt and uncle tried for over 5 years to get pregnant and finally did with IVF. They had 2 healthy twin boys. Without even trying, they got pregnant naturally. Just think positive thoughts and enjoy your blessing.
I don't think that you need to let go of it.. and it certainly won't go away.. You went through WAY MORE than you should have had to in order to get pregnant, and if you want more kids.. you'll have to do it all over again.... I was thinking something very similar to this last night.. Even if I get pregnant and have one healthy baby.. hat happens when I want another? Do we do all this again?
It sucks. While its fantastic that you are pregnant now.. it doesn't make what you had to go through any easier..
It seems "normal" to have those feelings rachel. BUt my prayer for you is that you can rest your weary head on God's shoulder and let him take those worries for now; allowing you to enjoy every second of this coveted pregnancy and impending birth. It is such a wonderful journey and what a blessing to have experienced this first 10 weeks! Easier said than done I know...but tomorrows worries will still be there tomorrow...money, IF, love, Life, stability...all of it. Today, however, is a happy day...you are almost 10 weeks pregnant!!!! CONGRATULATIONS!
Rach- it doesn't go away. It will probably always seem unfair.
But, know you're in good company :)
I don't think it does go away. My situation is different than yours. I have a preemie. I look at women that are very pregnant and wish I could have been one of them. I think of babies going home with their mothers instead of 3 months later and I wish it was me. It gets easier, at least in my situation, but it doesn't go away. You have lost something - tha ability to get pregnant on your own and you will always grieve for that.
I'm now a mommy & my husband a daddy, but we are still infertile, and I haven't really thought about until you pointed it out. What helped me on days when things didn't seem fair and I couldn't understand God's plan for us was to remind myself that everyone has their "story." Someone who has an easy time getting pregnant...that is THEIR story. OUR story is about adopting our beautiful son. YOUR story is now about IVF. No one's story is the same (and why should it be - how positively BORING!)
From reading your blogs, it is clear your "story" has touched others' lives. Sure, that doesn't negate the pain and heartache you & Joey have gone through to get to the point that you are now...and even now, looking at my son, I still remember how it felt to get the diagnosis of IF and the overwhelming feelings of sitting there reading the IVF materials & knowing it wasn't right for us at that time. But all throughout, we prayed. And our pain and our joys becomes our STORY. And I share my story & you share yours in hopes that others will relate and gain wisdom or insight or just a view into a "day in the life of." So thanks for sharing and I'll continue to pray for your peace and health as you continue on your journey...
OM goodness....that was an amazing post Emily. What a great perspective...a non discriminitive perspective...a loving perspective. Thank you for that.
i don't think it does go away. it's like grieving a loss. the hurt is always there, but the pain lessens with each day. infertility is always in the back of my mind. it sways my thought process. it colors my feelings of motherhood. it dims the thought of future pregnancies. yet, i still wouldn't have it any other way. i appreciate the experience of infertility. it's made me who i am today.
Thanks for your insightful post. Although I'm obviously not there yet ... I totally resonated with what you said. I think your dead on - somehow we'll always be infertile. And although I don't think it will ever go away, I think you can become reconciled with your own story, as painful as it was/is. That's what I'm hoping for. So excited for you and Joey, though ... can't wait to see baby pictures on your blog :)
I was fertile, I had two children and wasn't even 'trying' to have them. I have since gone on to become one half of an 'infertile' couple and my life will never be the same.
I have been so very blessed with two boys following sucessful ivf treatments.
I want another child...but...I am infertile.
I don't think it ever goes away. You come to terms with it. I consider myself so very lucky?? It doesn't seem like the right word, but I'm sure you understand what I mean.
I look at all of my children each day and am so very glad I have them but I do look at my little ivf sucess stories and know that I fought so hard and 'suffered' injections, scans and worries with them far more than my others. They will always be special little miracle men in my life. I know you are reading this knowing all my children are equal in my eyes, my ivf bubs are not MORE special, I don't mean that...just different special :)
So how do we say goodbye to infertility?? I guess I won't forever, its part of who I am now. Its a road, initially I wished I hadn't had to go down, but I now know it has changed me, only for the better. I am more patient, I can wait for things, I am far more empathetic, the list goes on. Don't say goodbye to it, embrace it for who it has made you and Joey. Happy days!! :)
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