before I was infertile...

I assumed I was fertile.

We all start out that way unless we know ahead of time we're going to have a problem. I felt elated for every single person who got pregnant, or gave birth, or had children. I rejoiced with them and it never affected me. We even worried at one point that had we gotten pg on "accident" what that would do to our friendship with our infertile friends (we laugh about that now).

I never use the term fertile in an offensive way because it's simply a way to distinguish between those who deal with infertility and those who don't. At one point I assumed I was fertile, and that wasn't a bad thing, that's just the way it was (or I assumed it was).

Being infertile myself I don't equate being fertile with perfection and ease. I would never assume such a thing. I'm very aware that people who get pregnant easily may have to deal with a whole ruckus of other things. Things I might never have to deal with.

My SIL had a m/c right as we started TTC. It was horrible and as I watched her go through it and try to come to terms with what she had lost, I mourned deeply for her. I still lump her in the "fertile" category. But that doesn't mean things came easy for her.

My cousin had a terrible pregnancy, for weeks and weeks she gushed blood and worried she would lose her child. Then she ended up on bed rest in her second trimester and had a few scares even after her son was born. I hope she never has to deal with those things again, and I'm lucky to not have had some of those things happen to me. Did she get pregnant easily? Yes. But that doesn't change what she went through.

For us, we assumed we were fertile, and then one day things changed. The day I realized we would have a problem. The day I knew it wasn't going to happen for us the way I thought it would, or it did for everyone around us.

My happiness for others didn't disappear, it just became more of a process to get to.

I often want to kick myself after talking so casually about my mom in front of my SIL's because they lost their mom. I know they know I have a mom, and they know I love her (and they love her too), but I wonder if their heart stings in a way it wouldn't if I hadn't brought her up. I hate wondering if I'm hurting them without even realizing it.

I think it's the same way as when an infertile person has a friend/family member get pregnant, give birth, or even talk about the joys of parenthood. You don't wish they didn't have those things, and you want to be happy for their joys, but somehow you can't help but have a sting in your heart for what you don't have, or have lost.

I never want people to think I wasn't happy for those around me. That I was miserable and angry until I got what I wanted. Because that's not true. But many times it took much longer than before to get to that happiness. And thankfully I have very understanding, supportive friends/family who were willing to "deal" with me until I could reach that point.

I thank God for their grace and love. And I pray I never have to be in that spot again, where finding happiness doesn't come as easy. I pray I never have to put those I love in that spot again either, where they know how hard it is for me to get there. It's not fair to them.