2 bad (wait did I say bad? I meant HORRIBLE) days!

Well here I am at the end of a two bad day streak. Today was good, but the two before this... shew! Hardest yet I am willing to say.

I don't know what happened for sure, but I would venture to say that realizing I was most likely not pregnant this cycle and that I will shortly be moving on to cycle 19 was too much for me to bear. I just lost it, and for about 3 straight hours, I sobbed. The worst part? I was alone! I was in the car the whole time. I talked to Bridgit, God, Bridgit, Melissa, God, Bridgit, Joey, God... but still I was alone in my stupid car passing a gazillion cars with make up smeared everywhere and beside myself with grief. I didn't know what to do so I just kept driving until finally I found myself at home where I crashed in my bed and had Joey hold me till I was asleep.

Then round 2 came around. I woke up feeling more positive, still holding out the little bit of hope that I could still be pregnant until it came, the dreaded BFN (Big Fat Negative). I was okay during the day, I dealt with it. But somewhere (seemingly out of NO where) I just lost it again! Seriously, Joey should get an award for trying to deal with me. I think I was starting to panic. I still fully believe God has a plan for us, but here's the scary part: It could get so much worse! Part of me feels that I couldn't possibly bear this any longer before I break or fall apart. But then I realize it could be YEARS of this. It could be heartbreak after heartbreak and still NO baby. We could be flat broke have been poked and prodded and pried and still have no baby!

I think my WORST fear at this point is that all my friends around me will get pregnant before me and I will push them away (not intentionally). It's hard to be around pregnant strangers in walmart! I could see myself having no friends when we're through with this (and hopefully ready to celebrate a baby) and have no one left to do it with!

Although I really don't believe this will happen, and I pray that we will have a baby MUCH sooner than years away, I still find myself preparing just in case. :-/

The truth is, we have NO idea what the future holds. God's will is simply that, HIS will. Not ours, and I just don't know when he plans on informing us of this plan of His. I know we're not to worry about what tomorrow holds, but it's so hard when my heart feels like it might break in two at any moment. When every little corner leads down a different path that could cost thousands and thousands of dollars and have no garuntees.

I just pray that God continues to give us guidance in this process, that we continue to ask, remember to listen. And above all else, believe that He loves us and DOES want the best for us.

Lastly I pray we can handle His best, even if it doesn't match our definition.