I know I already posted for today, but I'm just sitting here feeling angry and I'm festering and I'm bitter and I just need to journal through this.
WHO AM I?! seriously, one minute I'm normal happy bubbly Rachel, and then the next minute I'm angry at the thought, or site or mention of every pregnant woman. Why do I feel the right to hate everyone who gets pregnant before me? Why do I feel because I'm married longer, or I've been trying longer, or I want it more (who's to judge that one, really? Not me.) I should get a baby first? WHY do I feel so selfish? I feel angry and frustrated and angry (did I mention that one?).
And yet I find myself being obssesed. I find myself wandering through baby forums and viewing people's pictures of their bellies and nurseries and I get mad and jealous and spiteful. So one would think I would stop looking right? NO! In fact I tend to look longer. I know it's rotten Satan, he always seems to know EXACTLY how to fuel my rage, but really Rachel, aren't we past that point in our faith? I need to somehow remove this temptation from my life. But how? I can't remove the internet all together, I use it for work (granted I use it MUCH more for personal than work).
I fear on my own I can't resist the temptation. It needs to be completely a God thing. And yet why does it seem like so much work to ask him (and trust him) that he will remove this temptation from me? Do I really trust him so little?
I'm sitting at my computer crying like a baby wishing I could go to sleep and wake up when this is over. If you're reading my blog, I'm sorry I'm such a debbie downer, I don't mean to be, but this is my journal so I must be true to myself and write down my personal thoughts.
Also if you're pregnant and reading this, I apologize. I don't have anger towards you as a person, only my circumstances waged against yours.
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Hey Rae, I am so sorry that you are going through this. Love you
2 Corinthians 12:9 Each time he said, "My gracious favor is all you need. My power works best in your weakness." So now I am glad to boast about my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may work through me.
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