Last night the worst thing happened. The ONE thing I told God I couldn't handle, the ONE thing I begged him to not let happen. The ONE thing I said I didn't think I could live through.
My sister is pregnant.
With her 4th child.
With her 2nd since we've been trying.
I honestly was surprised to wake up this morning, I can't believe my heart hasn't broken in two. I can't believe this is happening. I can't understand why God is allowing me to be tortured. Am I so unfit to be a mother? Am I so undeserving? If you love me LORD, then WHY!?!?! I don't understand. Not one bit of it. I don't understand.
Please be careful of the "helpful encouragement" you try to offer me. All I really need to hear is, "this sucks". I'm in a place where I might not accept it the way you intend it.
Thank you.
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12 comments:
Sending you BIG HUGS!!!!!
Erin
My heart just aches for you, and I am literally crying for your sadness.
Cindy
It's so hard to watch what seems like everyone else getting pregnant while you just wait and watch. Sad with you, praying for strength. ((Hugs))
This sucks and I am sorry.
Aw hon, this DOES suck. I know it is SO SO SO hard, and there really is nothing that anybody can say or do to make it better. I've been there. It is so hard to watch everyone around you getting pregnant one by one, and you DO wonder what the heck is wrong with you. The tears are so hot and so bitter. I remember well.
I also remember feeling like God was just being mean, or that I must have done some horribly unspeakable sin. I've found that that wasn't the case at all. I don't know why life has turned out this way, but I DO know that God aches for my broken heart, and yours as well.
I know there's nothing to say or do. All I can say is just eat a gallon of your favorite ice cream and let yourself mourn today. Infertility sucks the big one. Know that you aren't alone today and that you're being thought of and prayed for.
*hugs*
I just shook my head at your news because all of us are rooting so hard for you....and to have something like this come up..is just a distraction. Keep your eye on the goal this month for your IUI ( july i mean ).
:)
Sucks sucks sucks!!! I'm hoping for you!!
Have you ever considered that infertility is God's way of saying to you that you are meant to be a parent in another way (adoption, fostering)? Being pregnant is not the most beautiful thing in the world...being a mother is. There are many ways to do that.
Lucy, whoever you are (and I truly don't know) I hope you meant well by that comment. It comes across very harsh in my opinion.
I don't believe that at this point adoption is what God has intended for us (and trust me, we've almost gone down that route a few different times). Maybe you're unaware (unless you yourself have adopted) that it's very expensive. We do not have $20,000 to spend in order to have a child.
Also I'm not a place in this IF process where I'm healed enough to walk away from IF, adopt and no longer be sick to my stomach when someone close to me gets pregnant. I need to heal from such hurt before we could bring an adopted child into our home. I wouldn't ever want them to think that because I didn't carry them, they weren't as important to me.
I hope you haven't been through IF, and if that's the case, you can't tell me that pregnancy is not the most beautiful thing in the world. If you haven't had that option taken away from you.
Rachel, I'm sorry if I sounded harsh, I was truly trying to be supportive, not mean. I just saw that you were questioning God's plan for your life and just wanted to offer my thoughts about what your other options to be. I have been in your shoes before so my heart really does go out to you and your struggles. Keep your chin up, I'm sure it will happen for you one way or another!!
I am very thankful that you had good intentions. I'm sorry if I came across snippy. I don't question where we're suppose to be in our infertility journey, just why the heck we're going through this struggle to begin with :-)
And even that, I am seeing more and more each day the things God intended to teach me through this process, but it still stinks :-(
POOP SANDWICH. I'm sad with you too and I'm glad you are here (even with your broken heart).
*Hugs*
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