Last night was a bad night. It started by my getting my feelings hurt and ended with my sobbing into Joey's arms for over an hour until finally I fell asleep. And now lucky me I have an emotional hangover. :-/
I feel so sad, and there are so many reasons. But as Joey is applying and accepting interviews for residency programs all over the US, I find myself wanting to move. Feeling like if we moved I'd be running away from all our problems, and all my sadness and we could start over somewhere and live happily ever after.
But then I remember if we leave, we leave all the people who love us and support us and DON'T say mean things and hurt our feelings. And we'd leave our church and our baby sitters and the kids in our family.. and then I ache more becaues I can't leave those things!
And now I feel like even a bigger mess because I don't know what I want and I'm tired of not being a mommy.. everyone else gets to be one why can't I!?!?! Lord what on earth could your plan for us be? Because I'm such a disaster and right now, I just want SOME sort of insight into the future!!!! Unless I couldn't handle it, in which case, that makes me want to crawl in a whole and go to sleep... for a long time.
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7 comments:
Hi Rachel,
I recently moved far away from all of my family/friends (hubby in Army) and I had all of the feelings that you do! It's completely normal....and I think even more so because you will also be moving away from your "support system"...but, you and Joey will have eachother & really that's all that matters :)
Hope you have a better day :)
MissG07
Sending prayers up for you - somedays can be SO hard.
I love reading your journey...and I visit often.
I was recently "tagged" by someone, so thought I'd "tag" you, since I enjoy your page. Feel free to play or not...see my blog for more details!
Hugs to you. It's so hard, but I know YOU know that whatever the Lord has in store for you, you CAN handle. Soemtimes it's the unknown that makes it the most difficult. Soon...
I ask that question A LOT...
I am sorry today was so hard--hope better days are ahead...
I am so sorry that today was so hard.
{{{HUGS}}}
BTW, I am "tagging" you too Rachel : )
Hi Rachel,
I came across your blog today (linked from another adoption blog) and was really touched and understood a lot of feelings and thoughts you express in your writing. I went through a lot of what you did at the same age you are now. My husband and I were married and raising his son from his first marriage. We struggled with infertility before finally making the decision to adopt. I felt I would never get the chance to be a mother and the anxiety from this made me crazy every single day. Please know that your time will come too and you will also soon get the chance to be a mommy. We started the process to adopt our daughter in late 2005 and she came home to us from Guatemala in the spring of 2006. She is such a joy and a vibrant and beautiful little girl. She has changed me and our family forever. I truly believe you will also have a blessing in your life. I really get what you feel and are going through. I am so glad you have such a supportive husband and the fact that you have decided to adopt I believe to be a wonderful thing. I used to wonder if that pang in my stomach would ever go away when I saw a pregnant woman. You know what? It really does. Sometimes I still wonder what it would have been like to be pregnant and give birth/life to a child, but I know in my heart our daughter was meant to be ours and that adoption was meant for us. It was the most incredible and spiritual experience I have ever had. She truly fits into our family perfectly. I often forget she did not come from my own body. Keep your faith and stop by my blog sometime.
Hugs,
Diana
www.cupcakeandstinkyt.blogspot.com
My DH, Frank, and I are living in Grand Cayman. Our family lives in Michigan. It's hard, but after awhile you realize that home is where your husband is and vice versa. That's not to say we don't have homesick days, but the visits home or from family keep you going. And remember, it's temporary.
That being said, I'm in medical school and we will be moving for my clinicals and then moving again later for residency. I understand. It sucks. There is just no easy way of putting it. Why does it have to be so complicated and difficult to live your life in a way to serve others? Why do they make becoming a doctor so hard? Why do they make adoption so hard? I'm with you on all fronts.
Hang in there.
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