Dreamt about 'A' and the baby last night.

I woke up at 6:30am to the WORST pain from menopur I've ever had, it just hurt like crap today.

Then I went back to sleep and in that time dreamed about 'A' and the baby. I saw them both so vividly (mind you I've never even seen a picture of them) and 'A' had decided to place the baby with us. She signed the papers and handed her to us. We hugged and cried and hugged and cried, then I watched her walk away. And my heart was broken. So broken.

Then I turned and saw the baby, the beauty baby, my beautiful baby. My little brother (Who's 22 and not so little) was playing with her and cooing with her and she was gorgeous.. just gorgeous.

But I was so sad for 'A'. I wanted to adopt her too (in real life! not just in the dream!) But obviously she doesn't need that.

Then I woke up. And now I'm sad. I'm dealing with the adoption hard today. It's hard because my dream gave me a baby and it wasn't even joyful. No matter how the situation turned out, there would be loss. HARD loss. And that's what's so hard about adoption. I know it can be beautiful and I know that people can become great friends, but there is devastating loss no matter how it turns out.

And I can't in my heart truly say I wished it would have worked in our favor, because of how 'A' would have felt. Even though I wish I could be that baby's mommy, I wouldn't want to talk her from 'A'.

When will there be a baby for me?