We spoke to 'A's' mom for a long time tonight and while we understand that SHE wants 'A' to place the baby (being a single mother herself at 19, knowing how hard it was), Joey and I are under no circumstances expecting it to happen. For now, 'A' has taken the baby home, has named the baby and is parenting the baby and we don't believe she's planning on that changing.
So while we're still open if things were to change, we told the case worker we no longer need to be informed of daily "nothing" updates.
We need to feel as though we can move on with our life.
If you are my friend of family in real life, please understand that I need some time. For now I just want to be alone. I would prefer not to be on the phone and while I'm sure people will want to email their support, I don't know that I will have it in me to reply. Please don't think I'm being rude, I cannot thank everyone enough from the bottom of my heart for all the prayers, encouragement and support, it means more than you could ever know, I think I just need some space.
Since I'm sure you want to know how I feel: I feel like my heart cannot possibly handle anymore hurt. But we willingly put ourselves in this position that could lead to this, so I feel as though we did this to ourselves. But I honestly do not know that I can handle this anymore. I know that 'A' has every right to parent and she loves this baby and I want her to be with her baby, I would never want to take a mother away from her child. I just wish there was another baby, that we could have. That we could hold. That we could love.
I sometimes look around this world and feel amazed to see that acheiving parenthood does not appear to be a difficult task. From the world's view, it's something that's harder to avoid than it is to obtain. So what I can't figure out is why in the world is it so hard for us? I don't know that there exist people who want to be parents more than us, the same sure, but more? I don't know how it's humanly possible. But no matter how close we are to IVF, it feels like it's almost not possible.
So as I sit and ramble, to wrap it up: I'm miserable in my heart, I'm logical in my head and I'm in major need of more prayer and some space. If you call please do not be offended if I reject your call, I know that you care. If you email please understand I will probably not email you back, and if I don't make plans with you, please don't be mad at me.
I just need to move on and be sad for a while.
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19 comments:
I'm so sorry. I know that you sincerely support A's decision, but that doesn't make it hurt any less for you. I wish you hadn't had to go through this.
Peace to you, sister.
I am so sorry. I can't imagine what you are going thru. I know this must be hard. Please hang in there and do not give up. You will be a parent. But please know that it is okay to be sad, mad, etc. I know how you feel when you think why me, I would be a great parent but why is it so hard. God does have a plan for you please hang in there to find out what it is. But for now take the time you need but do not walk away from your dream, maybe just take a break.
I am so sorry for you. I can not imagine how heartbreaking it must be for you and Joey to be so close and to have it all just fall apart. Rachel, you are SO strong and such a great person to go through all this. I know you will be rewarded in the end with the most amazing child. I hope you find peace over the following days and know that you have quite a fan club in your corner!!
Rachel I'm so sorry to hear of this. Again and again I pray for you guys. Two people so deserving to have a child---i know in my heart of hearts, its gonna happen for you. Definitely dont give up hope. Thinking of you......
Rachel and Joey,
There is nothing that I can so or do to ease your struggles, frustrations, and pain; but please know that we continue to pray for you through all of this!
*hugs*
Rachel, I totally respect you through everything you have gone through. Please don't feel guilty about upsetting anyone by not being social either via phone, email, or face-to-face. People need to respect your space, especially because you are SO open about each and everything aspect of what is going on in this whole process, you impact so many people and are totally open about your faith, struggles, happiness, love, hurts, disappointments, I truly admire you. Although I don't know you IRL, I feel like I don't need to because this is the real maydaygirl - Rachel.
In light of the situation I'm reminded of two songs, the first is The Dance. The chorus goes like this
And now I'm glad I didn't know
The way it all would end
The way it all would go
Our lives are better left to chance
I could have missed the pain
But I'd of had to miss the dance
And this classic I have just recently fell in love with it's perfect
"There's bound to come some trouble to your life
But that ain't nothing to be afraid of
There's bound to come some trouble to your life
But that ain't no reason to fear
I know there's bound to come some trouble to your life
But reach out to Jesus hold on tight
He's been there before and He knows what it's like
You'll find He's there
There's bound to come some tears up in your eyes
That ain't nothing to be ashamed of
I know there's bound to come some tears up in your eyes
That ain't no reason to fear
I know there's bound to come some tears up in your eyes
Reach out to Jesus hold on tight
He's been there before and He knows what it's like
You'll find He's there
Now People say maybe things will get better
People say maybe it won't be long
And people say maybe you'll wake up tomorrow
And it'll all be gone
Well I only know that maybes just ain't enough
When you need something to hold on
There's only one thing that's clear
I know there's bound to come some trouble to your life
But that ain't nothing to be afraid of
I know there's bound to come some tears up in your eyes
That ain't no reason to fear
I know there's bound to come some trouble to your life
Reach out to Jesus hold on tight
He's been there before and He knows what it's like
You'll find He's there"
And I more than agree, nobody could want to parent more than you and Joey. Thank you for your amazing stories, I will continue to pray for you through it all. With much love and blessings, Mindy
my sweet sister...I have no words that could ever take away your heart...which is all I want to do. I look at my 4 beautiful babies and wonder WHY oh WHY cant you know this? I agree..you want to be parents as badly as anyone I have ever met (including myself) and it seems at every turn there is a dead end. I BELIEVE with everything the dead end will open up one day and you will know what it is like to hear someone call you mommy. I am sooo sorry today is not that day. I am sitting here crying so hard for you. I thought your waiting was over. I love you more than words can say andI am praying more than I know how to expalin.
Sweet hurting sister,
I'm praying for you.
Cindy
Rachel- I've never commented before, but I just had to now. I am so sorry for what you are feeling right now. I feel in my heart that you will be parents one day, one way or another and when that baby does come into your lives you are going to be the most wonderful and amazing set of parents a child could ask for. My sister and my best friend have struggled with getting pregnant. It is really hard for them. While I can't fully relate, when I read the words you write my heart literally aches for you. I am so sorry. I hope you do just what you've said here, take some time to heal by yourself.
Take care and I'll be sending prayers your way.
Lots of love from a complete stranger. =) Doesn't help, but there it is.
I am so sorry to hear that you are going through this. I know when I was in the hospital having my sons parents there helped me know that I was making the right choice. Also my friend who had went through this the year before came and told me her story which helped. For the Bmom it is confusing right after birth at times, and sometimes when you are only getting advice from people who think you should parent because they have no real idea about adoption, makes it that much harder. I know there are times I wish I could carry a baby for every one that wanted to be a mom, but I can't. I will pray for you through this. I can't say I know how you feel but I do know how the bmom feels. I am greatful for your post so that I may see the other side to adoption. Feel free to email me anytime. smilelybug22@yahoo.com
rachel and joey,
there are not words. Prayers for Gods will to be done.
Oh Rachel, I am so sorry. What a time you've been put through. And I'm sure it's even harder than just a flat "no"... to have that still lingering thought of "what if?" I wish I could just hug you and cry with you about all of this. You are so right when you said that you aren't the most important part, but you are A part of it all, and yes, it absolutely affects you.
I respect you so greatly for how you are viewing all of this, and for how you are supporting A's decision, painful as it may be. It's so common to see those would-be parents with greedy, grubby hands acting like someone else's baby was DUE to them. That is ugly and wrong and displeasing to God. But there is NONE of that spirit here. None. So just know that while you are feeling so sad, take as MUCH time as you need to not answer the phone, not return emails, not make plans... and know that you have gone through this entire ordeal with a grace and selflessness that more hopeful parents should have.
I know this hurts, more than words can even describe, and I won't belittle you with the cliche and trite responses. Just know that you are loved. Many, many hugs tonight, sweet friend.
God Bless you & everyone involved.
So sorry you're hurting. So sorry.
Lea H.
I will simply say that I am so sorry and my heart hurts for you. I am praying.
Blessings,
Erin
I am so sorry. I understand what you mean about being amazed that people just get pg, have healthy babies... I will never look at a healthy baby as anything less than a true miracle again. You will get your miracle.
We can only hope that God hears our prayers...listens to our prayers...answers our prayers. We are praying for you and Joey, for A and her baby, and for the road still ahead.
I am so very sorry. My prayers are with you and Joey. How very sad. Even this note just seems so not helpful. Just know that many, many people are praying for you both.
Everything you are going through is just life's way of preparing you to fully appreciate the miracle that will eventually come. Stay strong - I am certain that a couple as wonderful as you and Joey will be rewarded with a baby of your own. Life has a way of working out when you least expect it.
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