I'm not sure. I feel really conflicted in my heart. Part of me feels overwhelmed with the what ifs.
What if our IUI's don't work.
What if we have to move on to IVF? Can we afford it? Will we choose it?
What if we adopt, will I always mourn for a child from my womb?
What if we never have a child. What would that mean for our lives?
What if I never get through this, what if it's just going to be like this for the rest of my lives?
I know not all of those questions are rational, but it's hard to know what questions are realistic and which ones are not. I woke up this morning with international adoption on my heart. I've almost NEVER wanted to adopt internationally for the first one. But this morning it was there, staring me in the soul as I came out of my dream.
I started doing some research. Many countries have age restrictions and so many countries cost SO MUCH money. There are just so few that cost less than $30,000+ to adopt from. And then to sort out the ones that we qualify for. It's exhausting.
Anyways, that's still a ways away, we'll be doing the IUI's starting the protocol in just a few days (waiting for AF to arrive). And we're praying and believing these can work for us. So hopefully I don't have to consider alternatives until they come as a first time choice. But that's it. I don't want to think about this right now anymore. I have work to do. I'm feeling a bit behind from taking yesterday off. But I think I can manage, so if I make myself focus, I won't have to think about this anymore. Right?
We'll see.
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3 comments:
Aw, hon... praying the IUI works on the first round.
In the meantime, you are totally not alone in all of those fears/questions you have. I totally felt all of those too. We never did IUI b/c it wouldn't have worked in our situation anyway, but I remember being very, very scared and unsure whenever we went to dr.'s appointments about IVF. We have never pursued it (yet anyway) and for us, it was right to start the adoption process.
This time SUCKS like none other. I can encourage you though that you WILL get pass this and as I read in a book "life WILL be good again." For a long time, I didn't think it ever would be. I remember someone saying "You won't be 80 years old and still wanting to have a baby." At the time, I remember that being so unfeeling and so crass, but having removed myself a little bit from the situation, I can see the reality of that now.
Keep plugging along. Keep your chin up and keep moving forward. Follow your heart. If you think international adoption is for you, then you go for it with all your might. The expense is great, but don't let that stop you from doing what God has planned for you. If He has brought you this far, He won't disappoint you with a silly "little" thing like money. ;) And in the meantime, we'll just keep praying like crazy that all these shots and doctor visits are worth it! =)
SENDING YOU HUGS!!!!
ERIN :)
yep, I looked into international adoption the other day. Have to be 25-30 to adopt. :( I am only 21 :(
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