So here's the thing about Joey and I. We're very different. I realize this. I always have. Over the course of our marriage I have tried to adapt myself to being sensitive about the differences, in his favor. I'm sure he's the same way, but sometimes it doesn't feel that way.
So through this 2 week wait, I've been trying to keep myself busy thinking about anything other than the fact that I'm waiting in agony to find out if I'm pregnant. So I've been looking at real estate online and making dinner dates with friends (not one open night this week) And today I come across an available baby situation where the woman is due in January. A woman on an adoption forum I am on had the place she adopted her baby from (A private firm, not a normal adoption agency) contact her about a baby for adoption seeing if she knew of anyone interested. The couple is both willing to consent for the adoption and the baby is due in January... I mention this (ever so casually to Joey, as necessary) and he was all weird about it. Not that I'm surprised, but I just asked if we could consider giving the agency a call to look into it IF our IUI failed. He was all weird again about it... he can't think about that and this, he just needs to focus on this IUI or the next one yada yada yada.
So I stop talking about it. I respect the fact the fact that he is completely different than I and can't (ie doesn't want to) talk about exciting possibilities in the future. But here's the thing: I almost NEED to talk about exciting things in the future in order not to go crazy about the things in the present. I need to fill my head with other things so I don't go crazy with disappointment if for some reason we aren't pregnant.
It's so frustrating. I'm not asking him to commit to anything. I'm not asking him to be ready for adoption. I'm not asking anything other than him possibly, maybe just maybe being willing to let me call and see about the adoption if next wed comes around and we're not pregnant. And he can't even talk about it.
It's like there are times that we can only do what he wants to do. It seems it doesn't matter what I feel like I need to do as self preservation. Can't we possibly find a common ground to self preserve ourselves together? He talks about the future of residency, or where we'll live or when we'll move, why can't we talk about this?
Doesn't he understand I just want to have a baby?! Doesn't he understand that I don't care if it's Black, Brown, Purple, Blue, Orange or Yellow, I just want a baby and I'm so afraid to wait YEARS to have one? That I'm so afraid everyone in my family will just continue to blossom their families while we sit empty armed. Doesn't he understand that?
Of course he does. I know he does. Because I know he feels the same way. It just doesn't feel like it when he seems to be the only one that gets to self preserve himself in the way he knows how. While I just get the brush off when I mention any little thing.
I'm just sad today. I don't know why, it just came out of know where.
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4 comments:
I'm sorry Rachel. That is such a hard situation. I know because my DH sounds exactly like yours. We've had similar disagreements about other situations in our life. You and I are so similar in our personalities! I am a total planner and want to have all the options out in front of me and do the research a head of time. Where DH is just take things one time as they come. And he is so laid back about everything! Drives me bonkers sometimes!!!
However, I truly think God put us together for that reason. He helps me to relax. He brings out a different side of me.
I would suggest to Joey that you both pray about it. Together and alone. Remember God has a plan all laid out and just because we don't know that plan doesn't mean it's not Gods plan. So maybe that plan is for the IUI to work, or maybe it's for you to adopt. Whatever the plan is God will let you Both know at the right time as long as you are both seeking him, which I know you are!
Once again, this post reminds me of conversations with my DH! It took about 2 years to finally get him to fess up that him not wanting to talk about adoption or fertility treatments was "his way" of self-preservation. I think boys just aren't as equipped to sharing their emotions as girls are. I agree with jm...praying together and individually for patience and guidance to put you on the right path (not always the same as your spouse) is a great way to find peace.
Rachel- I just wanted to leave you a note to say that I pray that your two weeks flies by and that you have the strength to deal with whatever God brings yours and Joeys way.
Kristen
Rachel--I had almost the exact same conversation last weekend. While we were visting John's parents, his stepmom asked me if we would ever considered fostering for the Baptist Children's Home as they have a need for foster parents for infants and toddlers. I really thought it sounded like something to look into so I brought it up to John and he wouldn't even discuss it. He said that he wanted to focus on our upcoming procedures before thinking about anything else. While I was hurt, I just tried to keep in mind how different we process things. I like to have a plan while he wants to take one thing at a time. So I can completely sympathize with how you are feeling. I truly hope that the rest of your 2ww flies by and that you have a BFP waiting right around the corner! You and your husband will be in my prayers!
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