What's so amazing about Grace?

I'm not actually talking about the book, though I did start reading it a few years ago and have always wanted to finish it, but I like the title.

I've been thinking about grace a lot lately and it's something I've been praying for a lot more in my life.

I do not have a lot of grace (or patience, or tolerance, or compassion, just to name a few of my good qualities!).

Seriously these are areas that I lack in and am ALWAYS trying to work on. The three I named later more so than grace, but now I'm starting to realize that it all starts with grace.

What is grace? The Websters dictionary defines it as "unmerited divine assistance".

Unmerited.

It's a time that God or others shows us kindness, compassion, or forgiveness in a time when we don't deserve it.

And sadly I admit to not having a lot of this. Very sad.

But as I've been praying about this and asking God to help me grow in this area, I've been reliving many times I've been shown grace through my life. There are countless times, starting with my parents who showed me grace many times as a child, teenager, and even a growing adult when I didn't certainly didn't deserve it.

And then through dealing with IF. Oy. So many times. So many people.

My cousin Mary was the first person close to me to become pregnant after we outed our IF struggles. Literally I got the call just days after I asked my close family members to start praying for us. It was hard. Really hard. I wanted to deal with the situation well, but my flesh stepped in. And I prayed hard through the process but I know I wounded her and had to go back later and ask for forgiveness. I couldn't be happy for her when I should have. Period.

How did my cousin respond? She started reading books about IF at work when she was slow. She would email me or IM me and tell me about a part that made her weep and how sad she was for me through this process. Every time I would get enough courage to ask her questions about her pregnancy, she would briefly answer the questions and get right back to me and how I was doing.

That's Grace. I didn't deserve it. Not one bit.

My sister. My sister got pg with her third child the month after we started trying (the first month I thought I was pg- period 2 weeks late! but wasn't and was extremely sad and felt all the more desperate to get pg). She then went on to have her baby and was able to get pg again in the time we were trying. It wasn't a pretty time in my life. Through this process, it was rock bottom.

Sad isn't it? My sister being pregnant (with my beautiful nephew who I love and adore) was my rock bottom.

My blog entry about it wasn't pretty. And my reaction was even worse. She told me in person and I left my house went out in the garage and sobbed and sobbed and finally told Joey I needed her to leave. I still loved my sister whole heartedly, but I was aching at the very core. And for the first time I was angry at God for allowing me to be going through this process.

My sister left me alone for a few days, which I now know were agonizing for her, to let me process it.

Only a few days later God showed me grace by allowing me to heal seemingly overnight. I didn't deserve it, my behavior and selfishness were inexcusable, if I were Him, I would have walked away from me! (I guess it's best I stick to not being God ha?) But He is beautiful and loving and wants nothing but the best for me. So He carried me (very quickly) through it.

Then he allowed my sister to show me grace. She was so wonderful and accepting an GRACIOUS of me when I could finally come back to her and seek her forgiveness, tell her I loved her, and that I was happy for her.

I know in her flesh she struggled greatly with this process. That I couldn't be happy for her and I could allow something so exciting for her to sink to me to an all time low, how horrible to be on her end of that. And how unfair.

And yet she showed me grace.

Because of Melissa's grace, it was merely a bump in the road for us.

Amazingly hitting rock bottom was good for me, because then we started moving up!

But as I've been thinking about some of these times (and many others) where I was shown grace, I have to ask myself if I would have been as wonderful on their side of it as they were to me.

I think the answer is probably no. So I guess it's best I was the one dealing with IF huh? :-)

I 100% want that to change. With everything I am I want to please God, I want to shed my pride and I want to show others grace. It's a slow process, but we're working on it, and I think the first step is recognizing how many ways others have served me by showing me grace, when I really just deserved a swift kick in the rear :-).

To those mentioned in this entry, and those not (but know that you're in this category!), THANK YOU. Thank you for putting up with me so graciously through this process. For being my support and praying for me constantly. ESPECIALLY when I didn't deserve it.

I strive to be like you and I know it's God's hope for me to get there! One day I will.