Nope.

AF didn't show. No where to be seen. And of course another BFN to go with it. Lovely.

I feel like I did when I found out our adoption agency lost it's licence. Angry yes. Frustrated yes. Disturbed yes. But strangely peaceful as well.

I'm feel LESS peaceful than I did at that time.. but this is the Psalm I'm relying on today:

"Why are you so downcast. O my soul? Why so disturbed within me? Put your HOPE in God, for I will yet praise him, my Savior and my God." Psalm 42:11

I am downcast in my soul. But my heart has been reminded of where to put my hope.

I love scripture like this. Even King David had times (many times) where he was so down in the dumps he had to remind his heart of which way to turn.

Today I am like King David. I'm sad, I'm alone, it's snowing and deary outside. I have no desire to have to check out of my hotel room and go sit at a coffee shop all day. My throat is sore (oh yes a cold is coming) and I'm beyond sore from snowboarding. But mostly, our plans of having a baby anytime soon are postponed. Maybe not for that long, but long enough for us. Long enough.

But I will continue to put my HOPE in God.

Please pray AF comes!!!!

So my period is a week late!! I've been expecting it every day now. Well today I started getting nervous and I called my clinic.. they said if it doesn't come by tomorrow that we will have to postpone IVF!! And it could be up to a month or more unless they have cancellations :-(

I'm trying really hard not to be upset about it, but it's hard not to.

So today I spent some time praying about it and I just needed to, once again, give this entire process up to God. When you're doing treatments it feels like you have gained some kind of control. And again I'm reminded I have no control in the matter. This is not MY battle. I have given this up to God, and I know that means I have to step aside and lose control. This is not my concern. HE WILL take care of me. I know.

So pray for me. If AF doesn't come. Pray I don't become bitter.. pray I can stay hopeful, knowing that my Joy comes from CHRIST. And not what day we start IVF.

PS. No I'm not pregnant.

5 years ago yesterday....

Two very big things happened in my life.


#1 my wonderful and adoring Grandpa died. He was a beautiful man who I always knew loved me. He loved to joke with us, he taught me how to play (and cheat!) at cards (don't worry I don't cheat anymore...) and I always knew where I stood in his heart. Five years before he had a stroke out of no where and the very healthy and active 75 year old man was changed forever. Physically he was failing, but emotionally... well I've never seen a sweeter grandpa. He told us more and more how much he loved us and since half of his body didn't work, his sweet crooked smile could melt my heart.


I miss my grandpa so much... but he lived a big life and he's in a better place.

#2 a little girl entered into my life and stole my heart. On the same day my grandpa died, my sister gave birth to the first baby in our family. I NEVER saw it coming... I fell head over heals in love with her. Being that I often feel like my sister is somehow made up of half of me, I felt like I had given birth. I cried when I had to leave her, I wanted to hold her every second I could and I had never been prouder. She was the love of my life... and Joey's!




















I never knew how much the love of a child could mean to a whole family but our lives have never been the same since. And one by one more of them have filed into our lives! Somehow seeming to expand our hearts and steal even more of it!



Ella is such a beautiful child.... I could spend hours trying to explain. My sister did an amazing job over on her blog BillMissandBrood . She is a beautiful child. When we called her today on her birthday party day to say have fun and sorry we couldn't be there she said "oh, that's okay auntie Rae Rae and Uncle Joey. I love you and miss you!" She has the sweetest little voice.. I want to capture it forever!

So, five years ago (yesterday), our lives were changed forever. We lost one long and lived beautiful life and we welcomed a brand new beautiful life into our world.


And we've never been the same since.

Waiting for AF.....and snowboarding!

We're finally back in the land of snow! We left IL today where it was 60 degrees and headed to Michigan where we'll spend tomorrow and Monday snowboarding (we got an AMAZING deal!). It was snowing beautifully as we drove in and there was evidence all over the trees that it snowed quite a bit yesterday as well! It's gorgeous here! It's just not winter when it's 60-70 degrees.

I keep feeling like I'm going to get my period, and then she doesn't come.. it's annoying. I need her to come soon or I'm nervous I won't have enough time for the BCP's to suppress my ovaries before we start stims! I just don't want everything to get all moved around because my period is late.

Grr....

But I have reason to believe she'll be here tomorrow.. then BCP's will start on Monday!

HORRIBLE idea!

This is from the Tyra Banks show:

The Tyra Banks show is putting out feelers for guests on a show called "Mom Wannabe." Here is what they're looking for: Do you know a woman who is obsessed with becoming a mom? Have you seen and heard her struggle for years, felt her unvoiced jealously and seen her desperation first hand? Have you watched silently for too long as she gets her hopes up only to be disappointed and heartbroken when she can’t conceive? Has she tried extreme methods and spent a lot of money to get pregnant with no luck? Do you want to finally tell her she needs to stop the emotional and physical stress on her body and seriously consider adoption or a surrogate alternative? If you know a woman who is obsessed with becoming a mom and getting pregnant, then SUBMIT BELOW.

(source: http://tyrashow.warnerbros.com/beontheshow/mom_wannabe.htmlRONG>)

I AM APPALLED!!!!

I emailed them and said that it was NONE of their business, or anyone Else's, how a woman does or doesn't choose to become a mother. And that their deliberate exploitation of the pains of infertility is just terrible and cruel. I told them to plan on losing at least the 1 in 6 women who are experiencing infertility if they go through with this show.

Feel free to send them a message or to NOT watch the show.

You beautiful women.

I have received so many beautiful emails from many of you women who read my blog. Thank you so much! I will be emailing each of you back, but it may take me a while! I swear I'm not ignoring... it just will take me some time :-)

Thanks!

Finding Joy in infertility....

Recently someone I love asked me if when I become pregnant will my joy return? I was a bit puzzled by the question because I feel that I still have a lot of Joy, just with some bad days in between.

But as I've been praying about it I'm asking God "do I really have Joy?" And what exactly does that mean in my life through this process. And is it possible to truly be joyful in all our circumstances?

The bible tells us to take on our sufferings for Christ. I love how 1 Peter 4:12 puts it:

"Dear friends, do not be surprised at the painful trial you are suffering, as though something strange were happening (I love that part) to you. But rejoice that you participate in the suffering of Christ. That you may be overjoyed when his glory is revealed." (and I better believe it WILL be revealed, amen?!)

And the truth is I DO see all the ways God has already used this journey in my life to better me and further my faith. But would I say I am rejoicing in this suffering? I find myself worried that I might be as Paul described the Galatians:

"Formerly when you did not know God, you were slaves to those who by nature are not gods. But now that you know God - or rather are known by God - how is it that you are turning back to those weak and miserable principles? (for me - bitterness, anger, lack of hope?) Do you wish to be enslaved by them all over again?"

Then he jumps ahead to say:

"What has happened to all your Joy?"

So even though I say I have Joy, and in part I probably do... I'm not sure that I'm constantly moving forward as much as I'd like to believe. Maybe I am falling backwards more often than I thought.

I don't want to be enslaved, not by anger, or fear, or bitterness or disappointment. I don't want to be enslaved by ANYTHING!. I have complete freedom in Christ and I want that to be apparent in my life. I don't want infertility to be the one area I allow myself to fall back in just because poor me.

Don't get me wrong, I still think I'm allowed to have bad days (and certainly I will). But I don't every want to lose site of God in those bad days... for as the footprints story says: "those are the days that He is carrying me".

And I want the good days to be filled with the Joy I have in Christ. The joy I have from the suffering HE went through for ME. I could never compare what I'm going through to have a baby to what He went through for my salvation. And if I had to chose a baby, or salvation, hands down it would be my salvation.

So I need to remember.... that no matter what, the most important thing in my life is Christ's abundant love for me. End of story.

This is just a season in my life.

Would you be in my support group?

I know there's a lot of girls in the twin cities area that read my blog (some I've email "met" and some I haven't....) and I know some of you read my blog that have friends and family going through it.

So here's my question. If you're interested in being in a support group with me, would you email? My email's on the right, or:

rachel32004@msn.com

A local radio station is willing to help me "advertise" the group once it's started and I have VERY few real life friends going through infertility.. so I'm starting here.

Please consider this if you're dealing with IF... even if you're just starting. This will be a Christ centered support group to lean on other Christian women, pray for each other and just share/encourage.

Thanks!
Rachel

Struggling with hope.

Most days I feel hopeful... and knowing we have 3 fresh IVF's and 3 FET to use helps a lot, but still sometimes I still feel so hopeless.

Like why should I expect this to work? I expected IUI to work, and certainly you'd think adoption would world (I mean come on who's doesn't work?!?!?!?!?!) So why should IVF be any different for us? Sometimes I try not to imagine my due date and the summer being pg and all the things that would come with a BFP. I think that I should assume next Christmas will be the same as this Christmas etc and more people close to me will be pg.

I just am having a hard time feeling hopeful on certain days because I've been there done that and gotten really hurt.

I think that so much good could happen in 2008. We could get a new house and get pregnant and Joey will have a great job that he loves. But then I remember how this year could end. In the same house (our clothes are starting to smell like smoke... I mean seriously!?). No pregnancy. Still dying inside when those around us get pregnant so easily and what if Joey doesn't like his job?

I need to find balance. Pray for me that I can.

Lord fill me with thoughts that are from YOU. Help me to understand the realities of what we're facing, but to never to forget the miraculous power of You. Help me to remember that in just a month and a half I could be pregnant.. and all this could be over. But if it's not that YOU will get us through.

Yes I need a lot of prayer

addicted to haircuts

So I have decided I can only go 4 weeks (maybe 5) before I need another haircut. My hair grows so dang fast when it's short!

For the first four weeks I love it everyday and then over night I hate it.. and it only gets worse everyday. It feels heavy and looks flat and I just need another haircut. I feel like a haircut junkie!

So I went in town and got it cut. It's cute. I like the way my stylist cuts it better.. but it's fun! :-) My bangs are different than they've ever been but I like them! Here's a pic.

Fun family pics!

So this family we're staying with are LIFE LONG family friends. We've known them for 20 years and they are such amazing people and we haven't lived in the same state for most of those years. We've been completely blessed to be staying with them.

So as a thank you gift I took their pics.. such a fun family! Here's some of my favorites:

Barb.. (the mom). Funniest women.

Mom and her cute girls.

+ one.

The whole cute fam.

Chris and his wife Becky.

The whole crew. Aren't they cute?

Julie and her hubby. Joey loves Erick!

Isn't she cute?

Kim and her boyfriend.

Sisters.

THE END

Germany pics

So I know my trip to Germany was almost a year ago, but I'm sorting through and editing pics from last year, so I thought I'd post some of them! :-)

My friends Rachel and Andrea that I traveled with (girlfriends from college).

A beautiful castle we got to view at night from the top of a hill

Spending time drinking coffee with friends!

isn't this an amazing picture? It TOTALLY depicts the every day scenes we saw in Germany. My friend Rachel took it.

She also took this one!

Us girls, in front of the church that Martin luther nailed his thesis on!

that church

Beautiful Manheim

More beautiful manheim

Hee hee.. we thought Ausfarht was such a funny word!

Finally have internet

So we were in Chicago for a few days but had super sketchy Internet at the hotel. Then I went to a Starbucks to use their Internet (and indulge in a drink of course!) but it was going to cost me ten dollars!! So here we are, on our second stop of the trip and have Internet!

We're staying with some family friends for several days until Joey's next interview in Peoria. We have lots of time on our hands and the whole upstairs to a huge house so we're feeling pretty comfy here! They're wonderful people and we're super grateful to have several free nights of stay!

No pics uploaded to post yet, but I will when the get more exciting! :-)

and we're outa here!

We're leaving in like 20 minutes :-0 I'm so excited!!! Next time I blog.. it'll be on the road!!

New year's eve.

We planned to have a relaxing laid pack NYE with my brother and his wife. First we were going to to go the science museum (got a year mbrship from our parents for Christmas) and then spend the rest of the night playing games at home.

Well we went to the science museum and missed our show by 2 minutes and decided to wait two hours for the next one. In the meantime we went ice skating at the park down the road and then went to a bar for some fries and beer (we'd already paid for parking!)

Then we went to the show, my brother lost his checkbook and we ended up getting home at almost 11. We drank some champaigne, watched the ball drop, danced a bit (Well mostly me) played some mario kart and then they went home! It was an interesting assortment of fun but we had a blast! Here's a few pics from the event. I'll start with the cute ones, but they might get uglier the further down you go!

Joey forgets how to smile for the camera!


Kissing when the ball dropped.



My cute bro and his cute wife.

Winter wonderland.

More Christmas joy! Here we are in our festive colors :-)

This is right outside Joey's parents house... gorgeous.

So why not take pics in the snow?! :-)

Snowflakes in the eyes.

I love this man.

Cross country skiing.. it all looks good and well right?

WRONG!

more wrong!

Doubly wrong!


I'd like to say that these were all one time of falling down.. but sadly, they were not!