I'm driving myself crazy!!!

I swear everyday I keep changing my mind about how I want to paint the nursery!! And each time I'm just sure of what I want to do!

It's really only been three different ways, but I'm not use to changing my mind so much! I 'm a very decisive person, I don't often hm and ha over decisions! :(

I wish I could just paint the room with my imagination so I'd know exactly how I'd want it!

I need my mom!!!

This is what I do...

I am a planner by nature.. so when I know that a baby WILL be coming.. at SOME POINT, I plan for it :-) So here is what I've got!

Super cute love of my life diaper bag, $20 walmart

Close up...

Here is our crib all put together. Nothing really exciting.

My brand new diaper genie w/refills $10 craigslist

My 6 brand new avent bottles $5 craigslist

My in perfect condition eddie bauer high chair $50 craigslist

I think it's so cute in my kitchen :-)

I love love love this little sweater! $1 garage sale :-)

super fun toy for baby when he/she can sit up and play $8 garage sale.

Brand new REI snowsuit!! $5 garage sale :-)

I can't help it! I love a good deal :-)

Praying for my baby.

I know our adoption journey hasn't been long (4 weeks today).. but since the moment we decided to adopt, I started praying for our baby, for the birthmom, for her salvation.. for everything about this baby that's meant to be ours!

I use to wonder if praying for our child would come naturally to me, I worried I wouldn't do it "Enough"... but I have no doubt it is 100% natural for me to be constantly lifting my baby up to God.

So this morning as I was waking up, I was praying... must have started in my sleep? I guess so. Anyways, I heard myself (in my head) pray for "her". And I didn't just do it once! It wasn't until I was completely awake that I had to stop myself from praying for "her"!! So now I wonder, did I have some sort of prophetic vision on my sleep? :-)

Homestudy complete!

We are so happy that it's done and now we can TRULY be waiting for our baby! We actually really enjoyed doing it and it was very laid back! I was glad it wasn't uptight.. for so many reasons. I feel like we shouldn't have to jump through special hoops to have a baby just beacuse we can't conceive one on our own. I understand why we must, but I just didn't want it to get carried away. And it didn't!

Now we just wait until they match us with someone/a Bmom picks us!

Our agency assists in the matching process, they decide who they think we'll fit with and then show those specific Bmom's our profile (so we don't sit in a book waiting to be picked)... so really we just wait until the right person is ready to view our profile! Also our agency doesn't like to match too early in the pregnancy so we might sit and wait a few months just to match in the 8th month.. that kind of thing.

So we'll see!!!!

Our new website!

My sister and I just got a new website and it's awesome :-) check it out!!

New Site

my "friend" Leslie...

So I have this friend. I am well aware of the fact that we have never met, but she is still my friend nonetheless. We email MANY times a day, we've spoken on the phone, we've rejoiced and grieved with one another and she is a sister in Christ.

In my book, that means she's my friend.

We're adopting through the same agency but we "met" online through an IF forum. So we've "known" each other since January.

She is a doll and I praise God that we're going through this adoption procses together! It's so nice to have someone to work through it with! And we're only at the beginning. She was kind enough to share the agency info with me and allow me into her competition! And I praise God for her willingness to do so! We started this process just one week after her, so we're pretty much on the same page! :-)

She lives pretty close to our agency so when we go to pick up our baby (out of state) we will be meeting her then! And possibly before if we make a seperate trip.

But for now, she is my friend and I love having her "around" :-)

I KNOW God will provide...

I know this. I do. But sometimes I still worry. Today was sort of a breaking point for me. I'm starting to worry financially. Truth be told, this is nothing Joey and I have ever really dealt with. We've always had plenty and we've traveled and shopped and done what we've wanted. But that might change. And I'm okay with it, as long as we have enough to get by.

When I started doing wedding videos 3 years ago, I knew that it was from God. And I always said (and believed) that if God stopped bringing in the weddings, He would provide in another way. Well here we are three years later and I have the fewest bookings for next year I ever have. Everyone says it's still early, and I have time. And they're probably right. But It's still weighing heavy on me.

The good news is that Joey will start getting paid (WOO HOOO) in June. And his income should be enough to get by. And I'm praying that it is. I would love nothing more than to do a few weddings throughout the year and just be home full time with our baby. But I don't want to not be able to afford the bills either, especially with the added one for the adoption.

Joey is home this morning (works tonight) and we were praying about it this morning, which really helped. I need to remember that God is so much bigger than a few bills a month, and the number of weddings I get a year. He is bigger than all of this, and I know he will provide. I need to just stop letting the enemy lie to me and lead me to believe otherwise.

Will we ever stop grieving?

I have not been sad once since we decided to adopt (3 weeks ago today). Which has been beautiful! Just beautiful.

Until today.

I suddenly realized that I am still sad that I might not carry a child, or that at least we might not conceive without spending loads of money and having another person (or two) in the room!

I suddenly realized that I feel bitter towards the girl who got pregnant on her honeymoon and is now complaining that she's sick.

I suddenly realized that until I know my baby, and have him/her in my arms. I might always feel this way.

I suddenly realized that even after I have my baby, I still might grieve this loss.

Today I feel sad. I wish I didn't, and I'm not exactly surprised. I knew it would happen. I just didn't know when.

It has happened today. I feel sad for the loss I am experiencing.

We are out of control! :-)

So tonight we're going to pick up our awesome high chair (see post below), and brand new diaper genie for $10 and Joey comes home from work with our awesome stroller/carseat combo! What a doll :-) This baby stuff is so much fun and I'm so glad for craigslist, but are we crazy??! :-)

Homestudy scheduled!

By Monday both of our visits will be complete :-) Then we can start the waiting to be matched!!

My good finds :-)

Here are some things we've bought on craigslist this week:

Instep Duo cruiser (stroller/bike trailer) retailed: $200+ we got it for $50!



Haven't picked up yet, but Eddie Bauer high chair. Retailed $120 craigslist: $40



Evenflo exersaucer. Retail: $60 craiglist (plus matt up above) $20

Here is our crib from Babies R us: It shipped yesterday!!

Pictures of us!

My wonderful and talented sister-in-law took these pics of us to add to our adoption profile! Just had to share :-)

a 4 yrd old on pregnancy and adoption

My niece, Ella, is 4 1/2. She is at this place where she wants to understand everything, which comes with a million questions! :-)

We have explained to her that I would be getting a baby, but it would grow in someone else's belly. She first wanted to know why we didn't just have a baby, so we explained that not everyone can have a baby.

So she later was asking my sister (who's pg with #4) why some people can have babies and other can't. My sister of course answered that we just don't know why that happens, but that sometimes people can take medicine to help them get pregnant. My nieces response:

"Mommy, you must take a lot of medicine!"

LOL... so cute....

On a sidenote, we have our profile done and I am going to be printing it off soon and mailing it :-) Also yesterday was Joey's 26th birthday and we had the best day together!!

More baby stuff!

This week we bought a rocker! Friends of ours have the same one and love it! And it was 60% off so we couldn't resist!!! It's still in our garage, but if I can get my act together enough to clean my office, we can bring it in :-)

Tonight I am going to pick up a crib mattress! Love Craigslist. and it's right down the road!

So exciting!!

Help! I've lost your blog!!

So all my favorites went missing and I now have none of my regular blogs that I read (about 15 total). If I read and comment on your blog, will you please post it here or email me: rachel32004@msn.com

THANKS!

I bought baby stuff yesterday!

My mom and I went shopping and I just wanted to look, but I couldn't help it, I brought home a few trinkets for our nursery! First my mom bought me a baby blanket. It's so soft and beautiful, I wanted to sleep with it last night!

I also found a baby book, a children's book written for adopted children, and a stuffed animal! It was very healing to buy some stuff. Knowing it's for OUR baby. The baby we're praying for and know that God has picked out for us!

I can't wait to buy more! :-)

I'm back and I feel old. :-0

After spending 5 days with 13 - 100 pound, extra small, size zero girls, my voice is gone, my throat is sore, I'm completely exhausted, every muscle in my body hurts and I'm completely swamped with work. And I can't wait to go back next year! :-)

I love going to camp. I love it for so many reasons. however, while I'm only 24, my body disagrees with my delighting in the experience :-) But spending 5 days with 13 girls coming from all different walks of life, all believing different things and all needing to be loved in different ways is an amazing experience, one I hope to do for the rest of my life.

God did such awesome things this week and I can honestly say I think it was one of the best camps ever! This was my 9th time taking kids to summer camp (7th with middle schoolers) and it was a beautiful experience. I really bonded with so many of the girls and they were so open and honest with their experiences and questions. The ones who've excepted Christ really grew, and the ones still considering it, were really stretched. The seed has been planted and now it just will take time and watering. :-)

I will be starting a campaigner group with these girls (aka a younglife bible study) and I'm really excited for that. They're a critical age where they really need someone outside of a parent to be walking with them through life and faith and decisions etc.

So that's that!

About the adoption, we're sending in the final application today and scheduling our first homestudy visit. We got some more questions answered as far as things we needed to know about the agency before taking the next step. But we're feeling great about it still!! My girls were all so cute, wanting to talk about names and babysitting and showers :-)

And a quick note, yesterday when on the phone with Joey, he told me he picked up new windows for "the babies' room". It was like music to my ears! He's so cautious about everything that I couldn't even believe he called it that! My heart melted and I just know he is the perfect man for me to walk this journey with and I couldn't be anymore blessed!

Out of town..

Hey everyone, I'll be going to camp with my awesome middle school wyldlifers (see younglife.org for info!) and will be back Friday! :-)

I'm going to be a MOM!!!!!!!!!!!

Today I let myself wander into dangerous territory... or at least before today what would have been considered dangerous... I let myself imagine being a MOMMY!!!!!

It was amazing and beautiful and encouraging and inspiring and breathtaking and I know all straight from God! He has brought me to this place where my desire for becoming a mommy has completely changed. I no longer care where my baby comes from, who it comes from, what color it is, if it shares my genes etc... I just want to be a mommy and make my wonderful husband a daddy!! In whatever way He chooses to allow that to happen!

I choked back tears today SO MANY times simply because I am in such awe of the journey we're embarking on!

Today everywhere I went, my head was filled with babies, and finally in a good way, not a sad way!!! I walked down my parents stairs to their basement and saw all their toys for the kids and felt God paint me a picture of my own baby laying there playing with them, with all the other kids in our family around. And I realized, this baby that will be born of another woman's womb, will become apart of our family, our heritage! Everything we have will become his/hers! This baby won't just be ours, it will be apart of our whole family!

Later I saw a mom pushing a stroller with a baby in it and for ONCE I got to imagine what that will be like for me to do that! I felt like I could see my own baby in that stroller! I even started looking at cribs online and measuring under the window in the nursery (gasp!) to see how tall the crib could be to still fit! It all feels so surreal!

It was a beautiful day filled with so many painted pictures. Pictures that I will cherish forever!

I just had to share :-)

Lord give us peace.

Lord, we know that adoption is very exciting and yet very scary at the same time! Father we ask for your peace through this process, that at every little decision we would come before you and await an answer. We want to walk down the path that is meant for us by YOU. We want YOUR will to be done.

Lord you know our immense desire for a baby, but above all our desire is you. Help NOTHING to come between that, and we pray that as we walk this path with you, we would know you are with us. We surrender this journey to you Father, and we admit our weaknesses, we admit our desire to want to control things in our own timing and own ways, and we ask you to remove those from us and replace them complete faith in YOUR ways, in YOUR time.

Father we love you so much, and we thank you for your never ending love and faithfulness.

Amen.