2 days left!

We have less than two days until we're sitting in the dr's office for our two hour consultation. A friend advised me not to have any expectations of the visit, and I don't, but I am just so elated to get this going! I feel like we've wasted all this time trying on our own when it obviously isn't working! So getting the help we need is just one step closer to having a baby of our own!!

I also just have to point out to any of those who think, "trying is the fun part", please stop saying things like that. Trying is only fun for like a month, maybe two or three.. after that (and certainly after 20 months) it becomes a job: a tiring, straining, irritating, hard job. Don't get me wrong, we have a healthy sex life, but there is one time a month when it's not fun, no matter how much we want it to be, or pretend, it's still just a reminder of what isn't working for us when it seems to come so easily for everyone else.

Stepping off the soapbox now. (and I really apologize for being on it in the first place, but this is one of the HARDEST things to hear from a fertile person. If you haven't been there, you just can't know).

I'm crying over friends!

Wow, this day came out of no where, tears are flying everywhere!!

I'm laying bed watching friends and Chandler and Monica are at their adoption interview. There's a mix up and they end up lying about who they are. When they fess up the girl doesn't want to give them the baby anymore. Chandler tries to explain to the birth mom and he ends up trying to convince her to still give them the baby. His schpeel about why how he can't give his wife a baby and how he'll learn to be a good dad, but his wife is already a mother, just one without a baby, just threw me over, I just started bawling!!

I'm such a baby!!!

It wasn't suppose to be this hard.

That's it. It wasn't! You're suppose to decide you're ready for a baby, do the deed and get pregnant. Plain and simple (sorry to be a bit vulgar!).

You're not suppose to wait and hope and pray and cry for 20 months and still have no sign of being pregnant. And the decisions!!! They're endless: financial, emotional, spiritual, physical (just to name a few)!

Last week Joey and I were on our way to cancelling our appt and moving towards adoption. And this week, we've decided to keep the appt. I honestly feel like we don't know what we're doing! I feel so frustrated, I pray and pray and I feel like God doesn't give me much. I see His work all around me, but lately it seems like I can't hear Him!!

And after the flu bug on Thursday/Friday I still feel icky in my stomache, and I don't know if it's truly from the bug, or if it's because I feel so uneasy about everything. I just wish Joey were home, I could use a good shoulder to cry on!

Speaking of Joey, in the last three weeks I have heard him say at least ten times that something made him sad (a new OB patient, seeing a pg woman, a baby etc) This is truly the first time through this process he's shown any kind of emotional involvment other than supporting me. It's hard knowing it makes him sad too, but it's so much better than feeling like I'm all alone in this! For that I praise God! I need to know that my husband is with me in this. And I finally do.

Dear Abby on Mother's day

Thought this was interesting in Dear Abby:

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DEAR ABBY: On Mother's Day, our church has a tradition of asking all the mothers in the congregation to stand for a blessing and recognition of their importance to our community and the job they are doing.

My wife refuses to stand and be recognized by our community as a mother. She says she won't do it because there are some women in our church who are not standing, and some of them might not be able to be mothers and may be hurt at the recognition the others are receiving.

I realize that infertility may be a great loss to them, but these women live with it every day. I doubt that our church's annual recognition of mothers will add more pain than those women already endure. Don't you agree? -- PROUD HUSBAND AND FATHER IN THE MIDWEST

DEAR PROUD HUSBAND AND FATHER: No, I do not agree. Your wife is a woman with unusual sensitivity and empathy for the feelings of others. I respect her stance on remaining seated, and so should you.

Flowers on mother's day

I read a quote recently that said,

" Thank you for asking, I am a mother; I just don't have any children yet"

I thought this was a great quote. Women who suffer through miscarriages or IF are mothers at heart, we just haven't been given a child to mother yet!

Mother's day, as you can imagine, can be a very tough holiday for those who've had M/C or IF. So many women are praised and adorned right in front of us (at church for example) while we sit back wishing so badly for what they're praised for. Many women even feel shame for not being able to step up and be apart of that group. While I don't struggle with shame, I do feel the sense of loss. I'm grieving a child that doesn't even exist.

So I emailed my associate pastor at church and informed him I would be sending over a boquet of tulips for the front of the church. I asked him is when they made the mother's day speech (ask women to stand and be applauded etc), if they would mention that the flowers in the front are for women who have suffered m/c or are going through IF. For they are mothers at heart.

I am very excited about this idea and I hope it will spur them to continue to do it from years on out. Hopefully next mother's day I will have a child of my own, or at least be close! But for now, this is for the women in my church who feel like me. (oh and by the way, we won't be at church on mother's day, we're doing the walk for the cure... so no selfish intentions here!! I'm tired of feeling selfish, so this feels good!)

I posted this idea on my nest board and low and behold, four other women got on the ball and emailed their pastors as well. What a great way to share God's word. The internet! :-)

Well that's it, I just wanted to share that this mother's day would hopefully be slightly less painful for many women in my church and other churches around (I plan on hounding my dad to do the same at his church!).

Great quote

I saw this quote today and it pretty much sums up how I feel inside about Infertility:

"The problem with infertility is that I am mourning children that do not exist, and I'm the only one that misses them."

Still hanging in there..

I'm still doing good, although I did have an emotional breakdown today (inside, not on the outside!) I got an offer to have an appt with the Dr 11 days early and Joey said no because of his schedule. I don't know why but for like 2 seconds, the thought of seeing the Dr 2 weeks earlier felt like such a ray of hope in my life. And then 2 seconds later it was dashed. It was stupid.. completely stupid... I wished it wouldn't have happened :-(

Also today I had a terrible realization. I realized that because we're having issues getting pregnant and I'm to the point where I am starting to assume it might be 2 years (At least) before we get pregnant (we're on month #20) I find myself feeling entitled to a certain amount of respect. Like if I finally do get my BFP (big fat positive) that I should somehow deserve more attention, or excitement. Or in the meantime I should deserve praise for what I've been through. It's a really terrible place to be, because I know I don't deserve a child anymore than the next person and I certainly am not interested in becoming prideful about something as horrible as infertility!! If I'm going to have pride, let it least be about something worth boasting over! I know this is something I seriously need to start praying about because this is a bad place to be and I don't want to feel entitled, or worthy or have any prideful thoughts when God finally does choose to bless us with a baby! (or in the meantime).

This is something I could definitely use prayer for.

Thank you. From the bottom of my heart. Thank you.

Not much new here

I see it's been a while since I've written again. Really there's not much new here. I'm just enjoying a week off before the wedding season officially starts.

I'm also anxiously awaiting our dr appt in two weeks. I really feel like everything is weighing on that.

Anyways, just wanted to give you an update. I'm doing alright.

Thanks!

Encouraging words or dreaded fear?

I received the following email from a girl I know today:

"I just wanted you to know what an inspiration your blog has been to me. I cannot imagine what you and the many other millions of women in this world are going though, but I do know that your blog has touched me spiritually over the last few months. I am so touched by your love for God and his Will and plan for your life. I love your frankness and how you're not afraid to just lay things out on the table. I know that the Lord appreciates your honesty and realness on a daily basis. So many Christians are afraid to be real these days and you have just inspired me to be more real with myself, my walk with God and people in my life. You are such a strong woman and don't ever forget that. I know that God is using you to minister to people and you may not even know about it. I know you ministered to me. So I'm sure there are many others! Keep the faith girl...you're doing an Amazing job."

Contradictory to what you might think, I struggle with this email. While I am very excited for this woman's faith and the ways God is using me in her life to strengthen it, I can't help but have some inner turmoil through it. Here's why: I am terrified that God is planning to use me in big ways (that I didn't sign up for!) to minister to others about IF. Don't get me wrong, I am delighted and will continue to be willing to do God's work in this dept. But the reason I am terrified is because what if I have to wait forever (or years, they feel the same to me!) to have my own children to "truly" be able to do God's work in this place?

Tonight I confronted God with this fear (just in case He wasn't already aware!) And I surprised myself when I said to Him "Lord, just do it. (do I owe Nike money now?) Just go ahead and do whatever you want in my life. Use me how you want. I know you will anyway, so here I am surrendering."

I am shocked that not only did I say it, I meant it! I know fully that means God is changing me in ways I didn't even recognize! As I quoted C.S. Lewis earlier today, I am terrified for how painful God's perfect plan for my life might be. But I guess all I can do is wait, and continue to trust and love Him!

Someone who gets what's in my head!

I am reading a wonderful book called "Hannah's Hope" by Jennifer Saake. She struggled with IF and adoption loss for TEN YEARS before being blessed with two children of her own. She is a Christian women who talks of her own struggles as well as Hannah's barrenness from the book of Samuel (Hannah is Samuel's mother).

Anyways, last night I read two things that really seemed to sum up what's in my head. One was a quote from C. S. Lewis. He said:

"We are not necessarily doubting that God will do the best for us. We are wondering how painful the best will turn out to be."

This is EXACTLY how I feel! I don't doubt that God's plan and will is going to be amazing in my life. BUT I am smart enough to know that God's will and His best doesn't mean there won't be hardships!

The second thing she wrote was :

"Wondering if God's perfect plan for my life will include children, or even realistically expressing painful doubts about my dwindling hope for the possibility of parenthood, does not equate to doubting God. Please don't judge my loss of hope about having a child to loss of hope in Christ.

You may say, 'I just know God is going to give you a baby.' But how do you know? Has He given you a revelation that He hasn't given me? Please be careful speaking for the Lord unless you are sure."

I often wonder how can I doubt, but still have such faith? I finally realized, I don't doubt Christ, I just have doubts about ever having children, or when we'll have children. They are not the same! It finally makes sense! There is much freedom in this revelation! I finally can see that I don't doubt my amazing, loving Savior. That's not it at all! And my doubts are okay, because they aren't doubts in the perfect plan of Christ!

I have come to realize that there are MANY things in life we can force. Buying a house, buying a car, getting a new job, even getting married. But having a child is NOT one of those things! Even adoption isn't guaranteed. The woman who wrote this book had 6 adoptions fall through over ten years. Six children she had prepared for, saw on the U/S screen, had clothes and a nursery for, only to be handed over to someone else in the end.

No, in fact if it's the Lord's will for us not to have a child (now or ever). There is nothing I can do to make it happen otherwise. Somehow as scary as that seems (as you know, I tend to like to be in control), I also find freedom in this as well!

M/C

M/C is the dreaded Internet abbreviation for the word "Miscarriage".

Unfortunately it seems like half of the women on my forum that finally get pregnant through infertility treatments end in a m/c. It breaks my heart, they come on with their exciting news that FINALLY things are as they should be, only six weeks later to hear from them again, that they have lost their baby.

It makes me ill, and heart-broken, ANGRY and sad. I ask "Lord, will this happen to us? We will finally get pregnant only to suffer the tragedy of a m/c?" I wonder if I would be able to handle it, to fight through it. I wonder if Joey would be able to handle me through it. I wonder if that would be the final straw that would push me over. I pray that we never have to endure that. Or my faith will never be tested in such a way... but it's certainly a fear, and a legitimate one at that.

Sometimes it makes me just want to forget trying to have a baby. There just seem to be too many odds against us. I sometimes wonder, if after 19 months if it hasn't happened, will it ever? Is it even suppose to be?! I use to think that we would never go through IF treatments. We would just deal with the facts and move on to adoption. That was before I realized that it's not as cut and dry. They're most likely not going to tell us we can't have children, it's a matter of what it will take to have them.

My heart feels so fearful of all that can happen. It's hard to put my faith in God at times. I still believe that he will take care of us, but that DOESN'T mean that we will like the way he chooses to do it.

It's been a while.

It's funny, I hadn't even realized how long it had been since I last posted until some wonderful friends pointed it out to me. Apparently my blog is their daily read! :-) I feel blessed to have people who even notice if I don't post!

Not much is new, which is why I haven't posted. I've been a little busy (with nothing much really!) But I had an amazing experience this week.

My wonderful cousin Mary, who is pregnant and due in September, has been a sad struggle in my life. I have been frustrated at my own sadness towards her blessed situation and it has put some strain on our friendship. Well recently God enlightened me to a whole new level of viewing her, our friendship and her beautiful unborn baby. I was able to move forward and truly seek forgiveness from her. She responded with complete grace and even informed me she has been reading a book on infertility to better understand my situation! What an amazing friend/family member. I would NEVER have expected that from anyone, let alone the one person who I treated poorly in this process. I can't praise God enough for her amazing friendship and His wonderful grace to bring us past this!

1st counseling session

We met with Dan last night and we talked about our expectations on the drive down. We also talked about some things that we really needed to talk about. It was like our own little session before the session!

Then we met with Dan and it was sort of a getting to know you session. But in the end he said it was very clear that we had true hearts of parents. He also said I appear to be very passionate. lol. I don't know why I think that's funny! Probably because it's so true.

Anyways, he said it was really good of us to come in now to "Guard" our marriage... before things can get bad. Joey and I agreed to have one night a week where we both feel completely free to share whatever (sometimes we each hold back as to not make things worse for the other person) and then we'll have one night a week where we DON'T talk about getting pregnant.

Anyways, we had a great night. We went to dinner afterwards which was nice.

I'm definitely on a good streak this week. Praise God for weeks like this! I KNOW that having the appt with RE set up makes me feel less stressed. I just know we have to wait for it and I'll just settle down in the meantime!

Just for laughs

In case anyone ever wondered :-)

All in a days work.

Today was an interesting day. It started off hard and continued to be hard until about 4pm. Bridgit and my mom were in town and my mom decided to watch the kids so Bridgit, Miss and I could go on a walk. It was just what the Dr (aka Big G upstairs) ordered. We walked, we talked, we laughed, we cried, we laughed some more, Bridgit tried to give me a piggy back ride to alieve my itchiness (which resulted in more laughing!)

Anyways, at one point we sat at the park and probably talked for 45 minutes. I cried quite a bit, but it was such a beautiful day and something about being with my sisters outside in the crisp air in the realness of life was beautiful, and had to have been ordained by God.

It was a great end to a rotten beginning!

Who am I holding back tears for?!?!

I'm at my house, all alone and all day I've been on the verge of tears, but I find myself holding them back. I even took a long shower, spending some time sitting on the ground (normally resulting in a good cry) but nothing came. And it's not that they're not there, they are! I'm just holding them in!

I wish Joey was home, I wish I could just lay in bed with him and cry with him. But I know even if he were home, I wouldn't do that. These days I find myself holding back with him. Even after church yesterday when I was so sad, I didn't want to talk about it with him. Eventually he quit asking me about it and we went on our normal day.

If I talk about it too much, or at certain times it seems to make him depressed when I'm down. So I find myself pretending I'm fine and eventually he forgets about it. I know it's not healthy, but half the time I feel like he's mad at me, or annoyed at me because of the way I feel. And I can't control the way I feel. So instead I just say nothing.

Maybe that's why today I'm holding back my tears, beacuse in a sense I've been training myself to do that around him.

This weekend: Ups and downs

Well first of all I found out another friend is pregnant, but this time it hurt. Really bad. I unfortunately reacted in a terrible way, I sobbed all night, I was very blunt with God telling him my frustration and anger at this whole stupid situation (ours that it). I just don't understand the whole concept of "fair" I know life isn't suppose to be fair, but yet I think to myself "WHY NOT?" If it was, I feel that we are entitled to a child. And yet I still know that's not how it works.

Then I had a great weekend, I spent all day Friday and Saturday with Bridgit (but we didn't stay up till five!). Then we had a birthday party for my dad which was wonderful being surrounded by my family.

Then today came. Church was really hard for me. I saw a few more people I know that have their SECOND beautiful babies. Both my age, or near. I completley avoided them. It was awkward, I'm sure they could tell. But I couldn't fight the sadness in my heart. The longing in my arms.

I kidnapped my wonderful nephew Tucker from Joey's arms and held him until it was time for him to go home with his mommy and daddy. It was a beautiful few moments.

I must remind myself that God is using this for good things in my life, and He is teaching me. But I still find myself screaming inside against my devestating circumstances. Why does everyone around me get to be pregnant? Why do I not have a child of my own by now? Why is my belly not growing and I have no showers planned for me? No nursery to paint? No baby clothes to hang, no names to pick out?

How many more friends will I grieve over as I watch them glow with pregnancy and finally babies?

I wish this was over.

Another great day!

God is blessing me day after day this week! A wise friend said to me yesterday "well sometimes things have to get worse before they can get better" I am praying that she's right. That this is the upward part of our journey. But I'm not counting on anything!

As I type this, I am sitting at a caribou playing games with my wonderful husband. I just had a minute to write, but I wanted to update!

Thanks for always praying.

God's doing big things in my life!

Everyonce in a while I'll view "my friends" on myspace and click on people's pages to see what's new in there life. Today I opened probably 20 people's pages and found out three of them were pregnant. The good news? I barely flinched! No gut, heart or tearful reaction! I even mentioned it to Joey and felt nothing.

Satan must be really testing me today because I found out today two people had their babies and another friend is trying. Seriously nothing! I might be just out of it today, but I'd like to believe it's God working in my life! It's nice not to feel so envious! :-)

A divine appointment.

Today is a beautiful day! (and yes I know it's disgusting and raining outside!).

I spent the night at Nate and Bridgit's last night and Bridgit and I stayed up until 5 am! Yes that's correct, 5am. So when I woke up after 10 and realized I had less then 40 minutes to get up and get out the door for church I almost didn't go. But just as I layed back down and pulled the covers over my head, I felt God saying "Get up and go". So I did. (oh and we've decided to go back to salem early and not wait till we moved back to the cities, so that's where I went. Joey was out of town.)

Well the sermon was perfect, it was all about prayer, the very thing I find myself struggling with the most lately. Our new pastor encouraged us as a church and indivuduals to really take part in the new prayer extravaganza he's organizing in the church. One part was having people at the front of the church for prayer after the sermon. I felt God say I needed to go forward, and I immediately got a knot in my stomach. But when church ended I found myself standing in the aisle trying to decide if I should move to the front of the church, or out the back to leave. Then I realized the very person standing up front ready to pray for me was my small group leader from my bible study last summer! I knew it was the last sign God was going to give me! She is a wonderful woman who I very much respect, admire and care for!

So I went up to her and it was a great reunion, and when I started telling her about my IF and needing peace through this process she looked at me and said "Rachel, we struggled with IF for 10 years! They told me I wasn't suppose to have any children! (she had two of her own and adopted one!)" It was TRULY an appointment from God.

She prayed for me and we talked for 45 minutes! We closed the church down :-). She asked me if we should do coffee in two sundays and of course I accepted! It couldn't have been a more perfect Sunday. I walked out the doors in the icky rain feeling as though sunshine was pouring in my soul. I can't praise God enough for arranging everything JUST so!!

I just had to share! He is a wonderful and might God.