Rocky night

Last night Joey and I had a really bad night. We've kind of been tense and fighting some since I got home, but last night was the "duking it out night". Apparently he's been holding things back (ie: his feelings, emotions) because he knows how hard this is on me and he hasn't wanted to make it worse. But it (like always) came exploding out all at once. It was however, in my opinion, a well handled fight, but it was long.

Joey and I don't fight that often, but I'd say about once every 6 months we have a really big fight. I think we're getting better at them though because last night my voice wasn't soar afterwards! :-) (did you know? I tend to be a yeller!)

Anyways, we talked for a long time and we finally fell back onto the same page. As it turned out I was also holding things back from him because I felt like he would think I was silly, or annoying and he wouldn't understand. So instead I would tell my true feelings to a woman (miss, bridgit, sandi...) because they can understand me more. But he does want to know how I'm feeling, so I of course ended up letting it all out and then it was a big sob fest.

Also Joey's feeling concerned about my seeing a dr in cambridge because apparently the nurses have a reputation of spreading things around about people who work there. He's afraid everyone will know and want to talk to him about it and he'd rather keep his professional and private life seperate.

So I'm just praying that the nurse we deal with will have the good senses to keep this VERY SENSITIVE matter quiet and to herself (and the dr of course). I'm going to call my family dr in coon rapids and see if he can recomend someone down there, if he can I might move my appt. But I will not risk going through what I went through before by just chosing a dr. (aka a numbnuts!)

So that's where we're at. I'm feeling much better today, we fell asleep feeling good. I know this has mostly been about me vs Joey (because I'm the one with the huge ups and downs), but his feeilngs are important to me so I need to do what I can in this process for him.

Feeling great!

I have been running for the last several week again (minus in germany!) and it feels so great! I feel better about myself, less lazy, I want to eat better :-) It's a good thing all around! Plus the better I feel about myself in general, the less down I feel about IF!

I just got done running about 30 minutes ago and I feel so much more into my work today! Praise God!

I'm back!

Well I got back from Germany just in time to dodge the snowstorm. We were the last flight into MSP, I'm pretty sure all the rest were cancelled! So phew :-)

I had an amazing trip, it was beyond gorgeous and God was so good to me while I was there! I only had one night where I felt sad about all this, but the majority of the time I felt like I was in another world (well I sort of was!).

I'm back now and working today.. and I know that God will continue to be amazing, but I still can't help but feel myself slink back into a sadness mode. I got an email bright and early about another friend who's pregnant. Which is always hard to hear. But I'm going to push through this and believe we will also get good news somewhere on the other side of all this sadness.

Joey has continued to step up to the plate and support me and encourage me in all the ways he knows how. Yesterday at church he really wanted to bring me to the front afterwards and have someone pray for me. I am ashamed to admit I ducked out of it. I didn't want to start bawling and loose it for the rest of the day.. but I should have gone, it was sweet of him to want to take me. Next time I won't be so unwilling :-/

This Friday my family is getting together to celebrate my birthday and to pray for Joey and I. I have a feeling it will be wonderful and hard at the same time. I haven't let myself be completely vulnerable in front of a group of people before and certainly not any men (besides Joey)... so I hope that the time will be good for me and not hard.

Then on Sunday Joey and I are heading up to Lusten for 4 days of snowboarding for our anniversary! I am so excited to have some alone time with hime away from life!

Anyways, that's it for today.

A good day

Well I finished my last 06 wedding and I'm feeling really happy in the work dept! Finally I can feel a bit free!

And now I'm on my way to Germany! :-) I leave tomorow with my wonderful friends Andrea and Rachel ( from JC). I already can feel myself loosening up from the constant straing of thinking the baby business day and night! Especially since we can't go on clomid this month, I think passing the month quickly will be good for me! God always knows exactly what I need doesn't he? :-)

feel the burn...

Lately I find myself feeling insulted very easily.. people say things that they don't have a clue will hurt my feeling.. but unfortunately they do. I know people are trying to be helpful, but I am not 100% myself these days (or even close to that) and I know I let myself be stung by things I shouldn't. I know this is something I need to bring to God more heavily in prayer.. I know I'm sensitive, but I don't want to feel hurt or angry.

I also can't help but feel sad and frustrated when I hear about all the people around me getting pregnant. It feels like a slap in the face.. I know it's not! But that's how it feels. I have wondered lately if IF (infertility) is God's way of saying we're meant to adopt. Maybe we're not suppose to pursue medical treatments, maybe we shouldn't be relying on modern medicine to give us a baby. But then I think, if someone's dying, we don't think twice about relying on the advancements of modern medicine to cure as well as pray for a miracle. So is it really any different when it comes to conceiving a baby naturally?

I feel confused again today. These are the things that are burdening my heart today and I need to spend some serious time with God praying about them.. I know he has closed the door on clomid for the next cycle. We prayed the day before we went to the dr that He would give us a sense of peace or close any doors that He might not want open. As unfortunate as that dr appt was, it's hard not to wonder if that's was God's way of closing the door on this.

I hope and pray we will have a clear answer from Him. I know we'll get it, I just hope we hear it.

Starting to feel the defeat

Well my appt on friday was miserable.. I ended up seeing a dr that could see me that day... I had to go to coon rapids and needless to say, there was a reason his schedule was open!

He treated us terribly.. he insulted me, Joey, cambridge, the cambridge clinic, my midwife.. pretty much everyone... here's the story:

So first the nurse made a comment about how we're just a bunch of kids... okay? Why is that her business? I'm not sure. Then the dr comes in makes a comment about my age and asked how long we've been married. When I said three years he was like "wow, you got married really young!" (in a condiscending tone).

Then he asks if I have any medical conditions. I tell him I have Tourette's syndrom. He asks if I'm on meds and I say "no it's very mild I haven't been in a few years" He says "you're not going to start swearing at me are you?" I was TOTALLLY appalled!! That is a rude question for a normal person let alone for a dr. He was like "haha.. just kidding" (NOT FUNNY).

Then he rolls his eyes when I told him Joey is doing RPAP (the program that has us up in cambridge) and that's why we were working with a midwife up in cambridge.

Then he totally insulted my midwife by basically saying she was stupid for checking progesterone because HE would never check for progesterone. Then he tells me we're starting from scratch and he wants me to start CHARTING!! (um hello, I have been doing that since last summer!!) accompanied by ovulation predictor kids for THREE months before he'll start testing my levelsand even consider clomid.

I was furious.. I didn't drive down there, spend my money and waste my time to have him tell me we needed to freaking start over!!

THEN he says, well you guys are so young, don't you think you're being a little impatient?!?!?!?! I couldn't believe this guy!!! We stopped protecting 17 months ago and actively started trying 13 months ago. Who does he think he is?!

I was furious. I was sobbing by the time I left, I couldn't think straight.. I felt totally hopeful the day before about going on Clomid and feeling more like we had a plan for the situation. Now I have to wait a month to see another dr because there's no way on earth I would go back to thisguy.

He was so insensitive, rude, arrogant, disrepectful, condiscending.

GGAHGHAHGHAGHAGHAGHAGHAGH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

So that's the story about friday. Also we got joey's sperm anaylisis back and they only checked his count, not motility or mophology (how fast/slow they are and to see if they're mishaped) so now we have to have another one done at a bigger clinic. Plus I found out today my Insurance doesn't cover any of this.. I knew we'd be paying for a lot.. but I thought it would at least go towards our deductible...but it doesn't.

Now I'm not sure where to go. The OB's in cambridge are older and don't deal with infertility much so I'm wondering if I should see a specialist (many people suggest this right away).. but will that cost more?! I just feel drained today.

I would appreciate any prayers....

Intertility consultation

I managed to get into an appt today at 2pm with a dr (in coon rapids) for intertility treatments. If I didn't take today I'd have to wait a month! So needless to say I'm glad I got in today! This means I can start my treatments this month!! woo hoo :-) You have to start at a certain point in your cycle and if I waited a month I would miss this next cycle. Phew close call :-)

Okay, let's get this party started!

I heard back from the Dr today. My Progesterone level is (in her words) "depressingly low" I'm at a 3 and drs want to see at least a 10.. so no, I'm not ovulating. Which means I'm not going to get pg without help. You need progesterone to thicken the endometrium lining to allow implantation. So basically even if we did conceive... my body can't hold a pregnancy with my progesterone levels so low. bummer.

So tomorrow Joey's having a sperm analysis done and we need to make sure he's normal. If he's not... it's a whole nother ball game.

So where do we go from here? Assuming and hoping Joey's normal (We'll find out on Monday the results of that test) I will start a medication that's call Clomid. Clomid will make me ovulate at turbo power :-)

We will do three rounds of that (ie: 3 cylces, 3 months) and hope to get pregnant then. If after 3 months it's a no go... then we need to see a specialist and work out another plan... see if something else is the problem.

So that's the news here. Joey and I both feel really good about pursuing this... we continue to know God will provide a family for us and we know He's going to take care of us!

interesting...

I found an index card that fell out of my bible last night. I had written it last summer while I was going through a Beth Moore bible study at my church. It was during a very real time in my life. God was showing me many many things and I was very honest with Him about my fears.

The card reads:

"Lord I have this fear and I want you to remove it and bring me through it. My fear is that I won't be genuine in my faith and that I won't be able to survive if things aren't easy. Take this fear from me and help me to know you will never ever fail me!!!

Joshua 1:5 ' No one will be able to stand up against you all the days of your life. As I was with Moses, so I will be with you and I will never leave you nor forsake you'"


I thought that was intersting because the very thing I was afraid of (losing faith in hard times) God is showing me at this point in my life! I know this isn't the same as losing a spouse or family member. But this is one of the hardest things I've personally had to go through and I find myself leaning on God and His Word and His Holy Spirit more than I ever have! So I praise God for bringing me here, for being so present in my life... and I praise Him for showing me that card and letting me see how far He's brought me!

A card

I have the best husband (I may be a bit biased). But I loved the card he gave me today:

"My Love,
I thank God for the miracle of you.. for the love we share that has changed my life...
I thank Him for the faith in our spirits, the dreams in our souls,
and the wonder of knowing He made us for each other!
You are my heart's desire-today and forever."

My Valentine's surprise

Well this morning I woke up to breakfast in bed, a gift, a beautiful card and JOEY STAYING HOME FROM WORK!! Apparently he's had the day off, but didn't tell me! :-) I started crying, but they were tears of JOY (it's about time!) that I wasn't going to have to alone today!

So I headed off to the dr to have my blood drawn for my progesterone test. And the lab lady said "Oh, you're here for a pregnancy test?" and I said "uh... no, a progesterone test, to see if I'm ovulating" she was like "oh, I'm so sorry, they have the same abbreviations (pg)". At first I was mad because I thought she was saying there was some indication that I was pg (like she can read my blood with her naked eye!) but I soon got over it. I'm in a really good mood today and Jenny and Danny are coming over tonight so we're all going to hang out.

God has blessed me with an AMAZING husband and a wonderful family :-)

The Lyrics to my life

I have loved the song "Stand in the Rain" by Superchick since I first heard it.. but today I was listening to it and felt compelled to search the lyrics.. only to find they describe this season in my life to a T.

I was talking to my sister-in-law Bridgit just today about this ridiculous amount of sadness I am experiencing. She suggested that after over a year of surpressing my feelings about this issue, the relief I feel by finally letting it out is accompanied by the emotions I have been surpressing throughout the year as well.

I think she's right. Feel free to read the lyrics below:

She never slows down
She doesn’t know why but she knows that
When she’s all alone it feels like its all coming down

She won’t turn around
The shadows are long and she fears
If she cries that first tear
The tears will not stop raining down

So stand in the rain
Stand your ground
Stand up when it’s all crashing down
You stand through the pain
You won’t drown
And one day what’s lost can be found
You stand in the rain

She won’t make a sound
Alone in this fight with herself
And the fears whispering if she stands she’ll fall down

She wants to be found
The only way out is through everything
She’s running from
Wants to give up and lie down

So stand in the rain
Stand your ground
Stand up when it’s all crashing down
You stand through the pain
You won’t drown
And one day what’s lost can be found
You stand in the rain

So stand in the rain
Stand your ground
Stand up when it’s all crashing down
Stand through the pain
You won’t drown
And one day what’s lost can be found

So stand in the rain
Stand your ground
Stand up when it’s all crashing down
You stand through the pain
You won’t drown
And one day what’s lost can be found
You stand in the rain

The hardest day.

Yesterday unfortunately became one of the hardest days I've faced since all this started. I had such a nice weekend and all the million times I heard "could you be pregnant?" "when are you going to get pregnant?" weren't even that horrible. But yesterday I couldn't shake the sadness. It was too much for me. I spent some time at my mom's sobbing with her, and just when I thought I cried it all out, low and behold on my way home more tears came, and once again at home with Joey, they came again.

He doesn't understand how this can be so hard for me, and to be honest, I'm not sure either, but I wouldn't care if I never had a day like yesterday again.

This morning I woke up and was reading in my bible and completing a Beth Moore bible study lesson and I read this:

"Perhaps you know how it feels to be obedient to God yet not see the results you wanted or expected...But Joy lies ahead." Those words hit me hard. I do believe that through Christ, Joy does lie ahead and this is just a season in my life. I just have to keep believing.

In the meantime my sister gave me a verse to rely on through my sadness and King David couldn't have said it better:

"Answer me when I call to you, O my righteous God. Give me relief from my distress, be merciful to me and hear my prayer." Psalm 4:1

My valentine's day present...to myself.

I will be going to the Clinic on Valentine's day for a blood draw. This will be the first step towards testing to see if we have a problem. I feel very good about it (and so does Joey) and I'm just happy to get the ball rolling!

I suppose I should update...

It's hard for me to want to update this when I'm feeling down. I guess I only want to show the possitive side, but that would defeat the purpose of this huh?

Last night was really hard. Joey and I sort of revisited our "plan" of action for the next year or so and it wasn't easy or fun. I guess mainly because I had to revisit my fears of what we'll hear at the dr's. I cried a lot and I was a mess.. poor Joey! But I woke up this morning and although I don't feel much better, it's a new day and God has given me so many things to be thankful for.

I am currently waiting to hear from my Dr. (well she's actually a midwife) about making an appt to start the process. I don't even know exactly what all that entails, but we're starting it none the less.

You can pray for both of us during this time that our communication would be strong and we would be open with one another and always always bring this to God. I am feeling at peace about seeing a Dr. and yet it makes me sad all at the same time. You can pray for my spirits.. today they are low.

Words from a friend....

My good friend Rachel Drevlow sent me an email today and it was SO perfect and I can't help but to share her wisdom in this journal:

From Rachel:

I want you to know that I have been praying this for you today: "I keep asking that the God of our Lord Jesus Christ, the glorious Father, may give you the Sprit of wisdom and revelation, so that you may know him better. I pray also that the eyes of your heart may be enlightened in order that you may know the hop to which he has called you, the riches of his glorious inheritance in the saints, and his incomparable great power for us who believe." - Ephesians 1:17-19

I pray that God would give you grace to focus the Lord's saving plan and the ways he is working in you to draw others to himself. How easy it is to wallow in self pity. I say that not to be insensitive, but in quoting the words from your blog. Right now my Bible study is going through Ephesians. During the 1st chapter the study author, John Stott, talked about how we as Christians tend to be so individualistic, forgetting that so many of God's promises of blessing and salvation are for the church as a whole. I was convicted. Too often I view God as a waiter in the sky who should have his "pitcher of blessings", mixed to my specifications, (does God do mixed drinks?!??)ready to pour out at my every whim. For you it is a baby. Rach, I pray a baby and one from your body is in God's plans for you. It makes me so sad to think of the heartbreak you have been enduring. I love you and always will and will continue to pray.

Grace & peace to you this day--

A great source...

There is this website called "thenest.com" If you've heard of the knot.com, this is the married version :-). Anyways on the nest they have local boards where you can chat with girls in your area. It keeps me not-so-bored during the day!

Well they finally came out with a board for woman who are having trouble TTC (trying to conceive). At first I was hesitant thinking it would be depressing being with a bunch of woman who are going through fertility treatments and testing and what not. But it has really helped. It has given me a lot of hope and it has showed me the reality of these issues. But all in all it has educated me, which helps me feel more at ease thinking about the steps we might possibly have to take somewhere in the future!

a baby.... what?

This weekend we went to Josh and Christy's cabin. It was heaven. Joey and I both agreed we couldn't have enjoyed our time more, and it was exactly what we needed! The thought of a baby was barely on my mind, and the few times something was mentioned about it, I was able to breeze past it mentally. God really knows us doesn't he? (NOT that I ever doubted!) But he knew exactly what I needed and that was a weekend away from this stress.

I can't praise him enough! Not only for this weekend, but for His goodness all over! Since I started this blog, I have had more revelations, more contentness and more joy in my life. I know that's completely Him! I know HE is the reason I started this (by prompting my sister) and HE is the one that is giving me the peace I have needed. What a wonderful Father. :-)

Where's the faith?

I have decided that God has given my husband more faith than I with regards to getting pregnant! But at least he has shown me that this much is true!

Last night Joey said some things that were really hard to hear. I was angry of course, but not because he had said them but because I knew God was speaking directly through Joey. Which was a bummer because I hate being wrong... but I guess I'd prefer to be hearing the voice of God even if it's through Joey :-P. (JK)

So then I had to stop and wonder if he had to speak so boldly through Joey because I wasn't listening? Hm... I bet that part is true. I'll definitely be discussing that one with the LORD :-)

Anyways, I'm happy it happened and I'm glad to be hearing a firm voice in this matter. It's much better than nothing! I know that lately I have been dealing with a lot of self wallowing (sp?) so I probably haven't been listening, but last night was like a slap in the face (not literally, Joey would never hit me!). So my ears are perked and I'm going to be doing some serious listening.. something that I am NOT very good at! (I'm sure you know talking is more my thing!)

Today is a better day. :-)

Perfect Words

I have recently found out that the reason I didn't want to be vulnerable in the past was because of my own expectations. I didn't want to have expectations on people and the way they responded to me, but I did. If they said too much, I thought they pitied me. If they said too little, I thought they didn't care. So it was my own standards that were holding me back from sharing this with friends and family.

I cannot believe the response I recieved after sending out an email yesterday. God gave people the perfect words of wisdom after wisdom after wisdom. I read encouraging verses, sayings and then some people just said they were praying. It was all exactly what I needed. I can thank God for that. I believe he gave me the strength to share and I believe he gave me the perfect friends with the perfect words.

Today I feel good.