This weekend: Ups and downs

Well first of all I found out another friend is pregnant, but this time it hurt. Really bad. I unfortunately reacted in a terrible way, I sobbed all night, I was very blunt with God telling him my frustration and anger at this whole stupid situation (ours that it). I just don't understand the whole concept of "fair" I know life isn't suppose to be fair, but yet I think to myself "WHY NOT?" If it was, I feel that we are entitled to a child. And yet I still know that's not how it works.

Then I had a great weekend, I spent all day Friday and Saturday with Bridgit (but we didn't stay up till five!). Then we had a birthday party for my dad which was wonderful being surrounded by my family.

Then today came. Church was really hard for me. I saw a few more people I know that have their SECOND beautiful babies. Both my age, or near. I completley avoided them. It was awkward, I'm sure they could tell. But I couldn't fight the sadness in my heart. The longing in my arms.

I kidnapped my wonderful nephew Tucker from Joey's arms and held him until it was time for him to go home with his mommy and daddy. It was a beautiful few moments.

I must remind myself that God is using this for good things in my life, and He is teaching me. But I still find myself screaming inside against my devestating circumstances. Why does everyone around me get to be pregnant? Why do I not have a child of my own by now? Why is my belly not growing and I have no showers planned for me? No nursery to paint? No baby clothes to hang, no names to pick out?

How many more friends will I grieve over as I watch them glow with pregnancy and finally babies?

I wish this was over.

Another great day!

God is blessing me day after day this week! A wise friend said to me yesterday "well sometimes things have to get worse before they can get better" I am praying that she's right. That this is the upward part of our journey. But I'm not counting on anything!

As I type this, I am sitting at a caribou playing games with my wonderful husband. I just had a minute to write, but I wanted to update!

Thanks for always praying.

God's doing big things in my life!

Everyonce in a while I'll view "my friends" on myspace and click on people's pages to see what's new in there life. Today I opened probably 20 people's pages and found out three of them were pregnant. The good news? I barely flinched! No gut, heart or tearful reaction! I even mentioned it to Joey and felt nothing.

Satan must be really testing me today because I found out today two people had their babies and another friend is trying. Seriously nothing! I might be just out of it today, but I'd like to believe it's God working in my life! It's nice not to feel so envious! :-)

A divine appointment.

Today is a beautiful day! (and yes I know it's disgusting and raining outside!).

I spent the night at Nate and Bridgit's last night and Bridgit and I stayed up until 5 am! Yes that's correct, 5am. So when I woke up after 10 and realized I had less then 40 minutes to get up and get out the door for church I almost didn't go. But just as I layed back down and pulled the covers over my head, I felt God saying "Get up and go". So I did. (oh and we've decided to go back to salem early and not wait till we moved back to the cities, so that's where I went. Joey was out of town.)

Well the sermon was perfect, it was all about prayer, the very thing I find myself struggling with the most lately. Our new pastor encouraged us as a church and indivuduals to really take part in the new prayer extravaganza he's organizing in the church. One part was having people at the front of the church for prayer after the sermon. I felt God say I needed to go forward, and I immediately got a knot in my stomach. But when church ended I found myself standing in the aisle trying to decide if I should move to the front of the church, or out the back to leave. Then I realized the very person standing up front ready to pray for me was my small group leader from my bible study last summer! I knew it was the last sign God was going to give me! She is a wonderful woman who I very much respect, admire and care for!

So I went up to her and it was a great reunion, and when I started telling her about my IF and needing peace through this process she looked at me and said "Rachel, we struggled with IF for 10 years! They told me I wasn't suppose to have any children! (she had two of her own and adopted one!)" It was TRULY an appointment from God.

She prayed for me and we talked for 45 minutes! We closed the church down :-). She asked me if we should do coffee in two sundays and of course I accepted! It couldn't have been a more perfect Sunday. I walked out the doors in the icky rain feeling as though sunshine was pouring in my soul. I can't praise God enough for arranging everything JUST so!!

I just had to share! He is a wonderful and might God.

Horrible, rotten no good FRIEND!

I don't know what idiot (sorry to be harsh) decided to name the woman's menstrual cycle her FRIEND!! It is anything but that! Not only does she come to ruin my day, remind me I'm not pregnant, cause a big mess (Sorry..gross), give me HORRIBLE cramps, and as if I'm not sad enough as it is, she gives me MORE hormones I just can't deal with today.

It's Friday, I'm going to Elk River with my sister and mom, I'm going out later on a double date to meet Greta's new boyfriend, I have the whole weekend with nothing planned and yet I can't seem to put a cap on these stupid sad hormones and just get excited for the weekend. I just want to cry.

I'm tired of being a woman!

2 bad (wait did I say bad? I meant HORRIBLE) days!

Well here I am at the end of a two bad day streak. Today was good, but the two before this... shew! Hardest yet I am willing to say.

I don't know what happened for sure, but I would venture to say that realizing I was most likely not pregnant this cycle and that I will shortly be moving on to cycle 19 was too much for me to bear. I just lost it, and for about 3 straight hours, I sobbed. The worst part? I was alone! I was in the car the whole time. I talked to Bridgit, God, Bridgit, Melissa, God, Bridgit, Joey, God... but still I was alone in my stupid car passing a gazillion cars with make up smeared everywhere and beside myself with grief. I didn't know what to do so I just kept driving until finally I found myself at home where I crashed in my bed and had Joey hold me till I was asleep.

Then round 2 came around. I woke up feeling more positive, still holding out the little bit of hope that I could still be pregnant until it came, the dreaded BFN (Big Fat Negative). I was okay during the day, I dealt with it. But somewhere (seemingly out of NO where) I just lost it again! Seriously, Joey should get an award for trying to deal with me. I think I was starting to panic. I still fully believe God has a plan for us, but here's the scary part: It could get so much worse! Part of me feels that I couldn't possibly bear this any longer before I break or fall apart. But then I realize it could be YEARS of this. It could be heartbreak after heartbreak and still NO baby. We could be flat broke have been poked and prodded and pried and still have no baby!

I think my WORST fear at this point is that all my friends around me will get pregnant before me and I will push them away (not intentionally). It's hard to be around pregnant strangers in walmart! I could see myself having no friends when we're through with this (and hopefully ready to celebrate a baby) and have no one left to do it with!

Although I really don't believe this will happen, and I pray that we will have a baby MUCH sooner than years away, I still find myself preparing just in case. :-/

The truth is, we have NO idea what the future holds. God's will is simply that, HIS will. Not ours, and I just don't know when he plans on informing us of this plan of His. I know we're not to worry about what tomorrow holds, but it's so hard when my heart feels like it might break in two at any moment. When every little corner leads down a different path that could cost thousands and thousands of dollars and have no garuntees.

I just pray that God continues to give us guidance in this process, that we continue to ask, remember to listen. And above all else, believe that He loves us and DOES want the best for us.

Lastly I pray we can handle His best, even if it doesn't match our definition.

back to square 1? Who knows.

I must preface this post with saying that anything we say or decide can't be held against us at a later date if we change our minds :-)

We're starting to reconsider seeing a specialist. Now that we believe I'm ovulating on my own, we didn't know that there was a need for one. But there are other things that can attribute to not getting pregnant even if we're both "normal". I can have something blocked, or have a hormonal imbalance. Yada Yada Yada.

I'm also starting to reconsider the whole IUI (artificial imsemination). They can cost a lot, but they can be done cheaply as well, it mainly depends on what kind of drugs you need to be on in addition to the actual insemination. So anyways, we're just going to make an appt. It might just be a one time visit that results in very good sturdy advice, or we might actually take further steps. Who knows, we're just praying for this one day at a time!

a good weekend

Joey and I went to Mayville ND to visit our amazing friends Sandi and Gavin. It was a much needed time as we haven't seen them in JULY! which is way way way too long! We learned how to play pinnochle and Sandi and I layed in bed chatting for hours (something from the old roomie days in college!). It was such a great weekend.

I also was really proud of myself because we even talked about when her and GB would start the process of trying to get pregnant and I didn't have really any feelings about that. Normaly I find myself frantically praying that people won't get pg before me, but not this time (even though I selfishly still hope she doesn't!) but I didn't even have those feelings. In fact it was the first time I could actualy just focus on what she was saying without my personal feelings and emotions even coming into play! It was a very exciting realization for me because I think that means I'm growing and God is changing me!

In fact last night while I was going through my Beth Moore study several statements stuck out to me that I wanted to share:

"In bitter tears we sometimes let go of the rope, tumble to the ground and cry, 'have your way, God! You're going to do what you want anyway!' He knows how desperately we want some of the things for which we are asking. God's will is always best even when we cannot imagine how. One day you'll understand.l And you'll see His glory."

These were amazing things to read. I have always known this, but a good swift dose of reality never hurts. My prayer last night changed for the first time in a long time. I went from "God just please give me a baby, and especially before you give A, B and C one!" to "Lord, what do you want me to learn in this process? What are you trying to teach me? How are you planning to use me?"

I started out praying this way, and somewhere along the lines my desperation brought me to a state of complete selfishness. I fear when we're in these states God will never give us our desires until we step out of this place and honestly fall on our knees and ask for HIS will in our lives. It's a hard place to get to, but yesterday, this was my place.

Praise God!

Please watch

This is a short film that was made by a couple struggling with infertility.

I would love if you would watch this:

http://www.vocalicious.com/empty_arms/empty_arms_mod.html

From my dad

My parents gave me a daily flip book for my birthday, but judging from the fact that my dad wrote in the cover, I'm thinking he picked it out. :-)

Anyways, I almost forgot to flip to todays since we're on our way out of town to visit Sandi and Gavin in Mayville, but I'm so glad I did! This is what it said:

Through God we will do valiantly: Psalm 108:13
There are two ways of getting out of a trial. One is to simply try to get rid of the trial, and be thankful when it is over. The other is to recognize the trial as a challenge from God to claim a larger blessing than we have ever had... As Peter Marshall once put it,
"God will not permit any troubles to come upon us, unless He has a specific plan by which great blessing can come out of the difficulty."

This is what my hope has been and will continue to be. God may have a perfectly good reason for allowing us to go through this, and I just have to believe that he has a specific plan for us during and after this time!

My name is Rachel and I have a problem with pride.

Phew, I'm glad I got that off my chest :-)

This is really something I find myself struggling with lately. I've always struggle with being prideful, but lately since I'm extra sensitive to everything, it seems to be showing up much more often :-(. I find myself saying things I don't mean, and being irritated at people who're trying to help. I find myself thinking "you don't know what I'm going through, so how can you help?" Which is a terrible way to think because I DO need help and people CAN help and I NEED people to help.. so feeling that way is beyond ridiculous.

Recently I hurt someone that I had absolutely no intentions of hurting, but my pride came first, and then the fall-wait have I read that somewhere before? (JK)

I need a better attitude often, but especially these days.

good day, a bit slobbery, but a good day

Today I had $300 worth of dental work done. Why does it seem that with me, dental work always seems to come $300 at a time, and several times a year? I have no problem going to the dentist every 6 months if it meant I only had to get my teeth cleaned, but then they follow me up with 3 more visists I need to come for. I asked them today, "do I really have that many cavities?" they said that I actually had far less than most people, but apparently my teeth suck and seem to break the fillings, or lose the fillings, or need root canals, etc. Dumb genes that gave me bad teeth! :-) JK.

Anyways, moving on. I am having a very good day today. I haven't been sad once, which is HUGE! And I'm on my way to meet a bride soon that I totally connected with on the phone, so I know I'll enjoy the meeting. Joey and I had a very nice day yesterday.

Life is good!

Happy Anniversary

That makes me want to sing the anniversary song "Happy anniversary, to both of us from you! " :-) okay I improvised a bit!

It's really hard to believe that at this moment 3 years ago I was standing on an alter with my fiance taking pictures in our wedding attire! It's crazy how fast time flies.

I was also remembering our first anniversary when we were up at Bill and Dawn's cabin for a week and I cried myself to sleep that night because out of no where I wanted to have a baby so badly and because of med school and my working at the bank, I didn't feel like it was ever going to happen. Here I am 2 years later, still crying myself to sleep, but for different reasons all together! :-/.

But not today! I refuse to feel down about this baby stuff today, Joey and I are going to the cities to celebrate and we're going to enjoy ourselves tonight!

I can't wait.

I'm posting again

I know I already posted for today, but I'm just sitting here feeling angry and I'm festering and I'm bitter and I just need to journal through this.

WHO AM I?! seriously, one minute I'm normal happy bubbly Rachel, and then the next minute I'm angry at the thought, or site or mention of every pregnant woman. Why do I feel the right to hate everyone who gets pregnant before me? Why do I feel because I'm married longer, or I've been trying longer, or I want it more (who's to judge that one, really? Not me.) I should get a baby first? WHY do I feel so selfish? I feel angry and frustrated and angry (did I mention that one?).

And yet I find myself being obssesed. I find myself wandering through baby forums and viewing people's pictures of their bellies and nurseries and I get mad and jealous and spiteful. So one would think I would stop looking right? NO! In fact I tend to look longer. I know it's rotten Satan, he always seems to know EXACTLY how to fuel my rage, but really Rachel, aren't we past that point in our faith? I need to somehow remove this temptation from my life. But how? I can't remove the internet all together, I use it for work (granted I use it MUCH more for personal than work).

I fear on my own I can't resist the temptation. It needs to be completely a God thing. And yet why does it seem like so much work to ask him (and trust him) that he will remove this temptation from me? Do I really trust him so little?

I'm sitting at my computer crying like a baby wishing I could go to sleep and wake up when this is over. If you're reading my blog, I'm sorry I'm such a debbie downer, I don't mean to be, but this is my journal so I must be true to myself and write down my personal thoughts.

Also if you're pregnant and reading this, I apologize. I don't have anger towards you as a person, only my circumstances waged against yours.

NOTHING, I repeat NOTHING is black and white anymore.

I have now entered a world that seems to be entirely made up of gray. For each positive, there is a negative, for each here, there is a there, for each for certain, there is a but.

Everything I read on infertility from one Dr. seems to have a contradiction from a different Dr. You'll never hear all Dr's agree on the same stats, quotes, results etc. It's SO FRUSTRATING!
I guess I'm learning that I can't rely on medicine, I can ONLY rely on the One who controls my life. *sigh*. Why does that feel so hard to do? I know I have no say over things anyway, He's the one in control, so I should just try to give up my serious need to be in constant control of things. But alas, it continues to be so hard.

Today is day 18 of my cycle and I got a positive reading on my OPK (ovulator predictor kid) which means I am ovulating. (I was wrong in my post before) This is good news, except that my midwife things I'm annovulatory, which means it's not consistant (it won't happen every month). So now do we postpone the Clomid until we've done 3 months of OPK's to make sure I'm not ovulating consistantly, or do we just do the clomid regardless? It's never an easy decision.

I am so sick and tired of waiting for the one time a month we can conceive, only to let it pass and wait until I get my dreaded period that only means I haven't gotten pregnant, once again. Then I wait two more weeks until I again have my small window of opportunity, only to wait two more weeks for the dreaded period... and it goes on and on. 3 months goes by so fast, I understand that, but when every single day feels so hard to live through at times, multiplying that times 90 days sounds like torture.

I'm just tired, I'm tired of trying to figure out my stupid body. I'm tired of trying to know all the right answers. I'm tired of there not being any stinken black and white. I'm tired of NOT BEING PREGNANT! I just want a baby so badly to grow in my body, I want to not have to wait and hope and pray anymore about this, I want to not have to hear one more person is pregnant before I get my turn, I just want it to happen!!!

I am scrapping everything I've written before. I'm saying "just kidding" to anything medically I've stated in the past. I'm realizing I don't have a clue what I'm doing and only Christ can be my stronghold. No amount of reading on the internet, or reading IF books, or speaking with other woman who've been through it will carry me through. IN CHRIST ALONE WILL I STAND.

I don't know when I will get this through my head. Why does it have to be such a battle for me? I am in control of nothing.

No "O" for me...

Last month my midwife said to see an OB to put me on Clomid (which will help me ovulate="O"). I went to see one in Coon Rapids and he said I needed to "Prove to him I wasn't ovulating" (he was a total jerk). Anyways, we took his advice and invested in some OPK's (ovulation predictor kits) and decided to do them until (and after) we could get into a dr in Cambridge.

So I have an appt with an OB in Cambridge on 3/23 and I have five months of charting to show him, plus the tests that Sue, the midwife, performed, showing I didn't ovulate. And now one month of OPK's which showed I didn't ovulate this month. I feel MUCH better going into this appt and coming out with clomid on the other side.

I am finally starting to feel like we're moving in the right direction! Now I'm actually excited for my appointment! I'm just really glad we did the OPK's this month to show I didn't ovulate.. once again!

The odd thing about this month, and the last several is it seemed like I ovulated based on symptoms, but I obviously didn't. Weird!

Drugding (sp?) along

I am sort of packing (for lutsen), sort of working, sort of getting my equipment ready for my wedding tomorrow, and sort of doing nothing.

I guess it's good that tonight is the night my family is praying for us because I feel very sad all of a sudden. I had an internet friend who was my "cycle buddy". IE: we were at the same place in our cycles hence we ovulated (or should have) at the same time, had the dreaded 2 week wait (2ww: the period in which we have to sit and wait for our period, hoping it will never come) and we even got tested on the same days for the same things.

Anyways, this friend, also called Rachel, just found out she's pregnant. While I should be elated for her, I feel sadly left behind. I worry this will never happen for me, I worry I will never get the chance to pee on a stick that will turn positive, I worry I will never get the chance to tell all my family and friends that we're pregnant, or take pictures of my growing belly, or feel kicks and turns and hiccups. I fear I'll never see a child that resembles both Joey and I in our looks and personality. I fear I'll never go through the torture of being 9 months pregnant and just waiting for the stinken baby to come out, or to go through the miseries of childbirth, only then to experience the true joy and instant love that comes when you see your baby for the first time.

These are my fears, and today they sit as a lump in my throat, waiting to burst out with tears and sobs and cries and screams.

Rocky night

Last night Joey and I had a really bad night. We've kind of been tense and fighting some since I got home, but last night was the "duking it out night". Apparently he's been holding things back (ie: his feelings, emotions) because he knows how hard this is on me and he hasn't wanted to make it worse. But it (like always) came exploding out all at once. It was however, in my opinion, a well handled fight, but it was long.

Joey and I don't fight that often, but I'd say about once every 6 months we have a really big fight. I think we're getting better at them though because last night my voice wasn't soar afterwards! :-) (did you know? I tend to be a yeller!)

Anyways, we talked for a long time and we finally fell back onto the same page. As it turned out I was also holding things back from him because I felt like he would think I was silly, or annoying and he wouldn't understand. So instead I would tell my true feelings to a woman (miss, bridgit, sandi...) because they can understand me more. But he does want to know how I'm feeling, so I of course ended up letting it all out and then it was a big sob fest.

Also Joey's feeling concerned about my seeing a dr in cambridge because apparently the nurses have a reputation of spreading things around about people who work there. He's afraid everyone will know and want to talk to him about it and he'd rather keep his professional and private life seperate.

So I'm just praying that the nurse we deal with will have the good senses to keep this VERY SENSITIVE matter quiet and to herself (and the dr of course). I'm going to call my family dr in coon rapids and see if he can recomend someone down there, if he can I might move my appt. But I will not risk going through what I went through before by just chosing a dr. (aka a numbnuts!)

So that's where we're at. I'm feeling much better today, we fell asleep feeling good. I know this has mostly been about me vs Joey (because I'm the one with the huge ups and downs), but his feeilngs are important to me so I need to do what I can in this process for him.

Feeling great!

I have been running for the last several week again (minus in germany!) and it feels so great! I feel better about myself, less lazy, I want to eat better :-) It's a good thing all around! Plus the better I feel about myself in general, the less down I feel about IF!

I just got done running about 30 minutes ago and I feel so much more into my work today! Praise God!

I'm back!

Well I got back from Germany just in time to dodge the snowstorm. We were the last flight into MSP, I'm pretty sure all the rest were cancelled! So phew :-)

I had an amazing trip, it was beyond gorgeous and God was so good to me while I was there! I only had one night where I felt sad about all this, but the majority of the time I felt like I was in another world (well I sort of was!).

I'm back now and working today.. and I know that God will continue to be amazing, but I still can't help but feel myself slink back into a sadness mode. I got an email bright and early about another friend who's pregnant. Which is always hard to hear. But I'm going to push through this and believe we will also get good news somewhere on the other side of all this sadness.

Joey has continued to step up to the plate and support me and encourage me in all the ways he knows how. Yesterday at church he really wanted to bring me to the front afterwards and have someone pray for me. I am ashamed to admit I ducked out of it. I didn't want to start bawling and loose it for the rest of the day.. but I should have gone, it was sweet of him to want to take me. Next time I won't be so unwilling :-/

This Friday my family is getting together to celebrate my birthday and to pray for Joey and I. I have a feeling it will be wonderful and hard at the same time. I haven't let myself be completely vulnerable in front of a group of people before and certainly not any men (besides Joey)... so I hope that the time will be good for me and not hard.

Then on Sunday Joey and I are heading up to Lusten for 4 days of snowboarding for our anniversary! I am so excited to have some alone time with hime away from life!

Anyways, that's it for today.