I don't know what idiot (sorry to be harsh) decided to name the woman's menstrual cycle her FRIEND!! It is anything but that! Not only does she come to ruin my day, remind me I'm not pregnant, cause a big mess (Sorry..gross), give me HORRIBLE cramps, and as if I'm not sad enough as it is, she gives me MORE hormones I just can't deal with today.
It's Friday, I'm going to Elk River with my sister and mom, I'm going out later on a double date to meet Greta's new boyfriend, I have the whole weekend with nothing planned and yet I can't seem to put a cap on these stupid sad hormones and just get excited for the weekend. I just want to cry.
I'm tired of being a woman!
Friday, March 30, 2007
Thursday, March 29, 2007
2 bad (wait did I say bad? I meant HORRIBLE) days!
Well here I am at the end of a two bad day streak. Today was good, but the two before this... shew! Hardest yet I am willing to say.
I don't know what happened for sure, but I would venture to say that realizing I was most likely not pregnant this cycle and that I will shortly be moving on to cycle 19 was too much for me to bear. I just lost it, and for about 3 straight hours, I sobbed. The worst part? I was alone! I was in the car the whole time. I talked to Bridgit, God, Bridgit, Melissa, God, Bridgit, Joey, God... but still I was alone in my stupid car passing a gazillion cars with make up smeared everywhere and beside myself with grief. I didn't know what to do so I just kept driving until finally I found myself at home where I crashed in my bed and had Joey hold me till I was asleep.
Then round 2 came around. I woke up feeling more positive, still holding out the little bit of hope that I could still be pregnant until it came, the dreaded BFN (Big Fat Negative). I was okay during the day, I dealt with it. But somewhere (seemingly out of NO where) I just lost it again! Seriously, Joey should get an award for trying to deal with me. I think I was starting to panic. I still fully believe God has a plan for us, but here's the scary part: It could get so much worse! Part of me feels that I couldn't possibly bear this any longer before I break or fall apart. But then I realize it could be YEARS of this. It could be heartbreak after heartbreak and still NO baby. We could be flat broke have been poked and prodded and pried and still have no baby!
I think my WORST fear at this point is that all my friends around me will get pregnant before me and I will push them away (not intentionally). It's hard to be around pregnant strangers in walmart! I could see myself having no friends when we're through with this (and hopefully ready to celebrate a baby) and have no one left to do it with!
Although I really don't believe this will happen, and I pray that we will have a baby MUCH sooner than years away, I still find myself preparing just in case. :-/
The truth is, we have NO idea what the future holds. God's will is simply that, HIS will. Not ours, and I just don't know when he plans on informing us of this plan of His. I know we're not to worry about what tomorrow holds, but it's so hard when my heart feels like it might break in two at any moment. When every little corner leads down a different path that could cost thousands and thousands of dollars and have no garuntees.
I just pray that God continues to give us guidance in this process, that we continue to ask, remember to listen. And above all else, believe that He loves us and DOES want the best for us.
Lastly I pray we can handle His best, even if it doesn't match our definition.
I don't know what happened for sure, but I would venture to say that realizing I was most likely not pregnant this cycle and that I will shortly be moving on to cycle 19 was too much for me to bear. I just lost it, and for about 3 straight hours, I sobbed. The worst part? I was alone! I was in the car the whole time. I talked to Bridgit, God, Bridgit, Melissa, God, Bridgit, Joey, God... but still I was alone in my stupid car passing a gazillion cars with make up smeared everywhere and beside myself with grief. I didn't know what to do so I just kept driving until finally I found myself at home where I crashed in my bed and had Joey hold me till I was asleep.
Then round 2 came around. I woke up feeling more positive, still holding out the little bit of hope that I could still be pregnant until it came, the dreaded BFN (Big Fat Negative). I was okay during the day, I dealt with it. But somewhere (seemingly out of NO where) I just lost it again! Seriously, Joey should get an award for trying to deal with me. I think I was starting to panic. I still fully believe God has a plan for us, but here's the scary part: It could get so much worse! Part of me feels that I couldn't possibly bear this any longer before I break or fall apart. But then I realize it could be YEARS of this. It could be heartbreak after heartbreak and still NO baby. We could be flat broke have been poked and prodded and pried and still have no baby!
I think my WORST fear at this point is that all my friends around me will get pregnant before me and I will push them away (not intentionally). It's hard to be around pregnant strangers in walmart! I could see myself having no friends when we're through with this (and hopefully ready to celebrate a baby) and have no one left to do it with!
Although I really don't believe this will happen, and I pray that we will have a baby MUCH sooner than years away, I still find myself preparing just in case. :-/
The truth is, we have NO idea what the future holds. God's will is simply that, HIS will. Not ours, and I just don't know when he plans on informing us of this plan of His. I know we're not to worry about what tomorrow holds, but it's so hard when my heart feels like it might break in two at any moment. When every little corner leads down a different path that could cost thousands and thousands of dollars and have no garuntees.
I just pray that God continues to give us guidance in this process, that we continue to ask, remember to listen. And above all else, believe that He loves us and DOES want the best for us.
Lastly I pray we can handle His best, even if it doesn't match our definition.
Wednesday, March 28, 2007
back to square 1? Who knows.
I must preface this post with saying that anything we say or decide can't be held against us at a later date if we change our minds :-)
We're starting to reconsider seeing a specialist. Now that we believe I'm ovulating on my own, we didn't know that there was a need for one. But there are other things that can attribute to not getting pregnant even if we're both "normal". I can have something blocked, or have a hormonal imbalance. Yada Yada Yada.
I'm also starting to reconsider the whole IUI (artificial imsemination). They can cost a lot, but they can be done cheaply as well, it mainly depends on what kind of drugs you need to be on in addition to the actual insemination. So anyways, we're just going to make an appt. It might just be a one time visit that results in very good sturdy advice, or we might actually take further steps. Who knows, we're just praying for this one day at a time!
We're starting to reconsider seeing a specialist. Now that we believe I'm ovulating on my own, we didn't know that there was a need for one. But there are other things that can attribute to not getting pregnant even if we're both "normal". I can have something blocked, or have a hormonal imbalance. Yada Yada Yada.
I'm also starting to reconsider the whole IUI (artificial imsemination). They can cost a lot, but they can be done cheaply as well, it mainly depends on what kind of drugs you need to be on in addition to the actual insemination. So anyways, we're just going to make an appt. It might just be a one time visit that results in very good sturdy advice, or we might actually take further steps. Who knows, we're just praying for this one day at a time!
Tuesday, March 27, 2007
a good weekend
Joey and I went to Mayville ND to visit our amazing friends Sandi and Gavin. It was a much needed time as we haven't seen them in JULY! which is way way way too long! We learned how to play pinnochle and Sandi and I layed in bed chatting for hours (something from the old roomie days in college!). It was such a great weekend.
I also was really proud of myself because we even talked about when her and GB would start the process of trying to get pregnant and I didn't have really any feelings about that. Normaly I find myself frantically praying that people won't get pg before me, but not this time (even though I selfishly still hope she doesn't!) but I didn't even have those feelings. In fact it was the first time I could actualy just focus on what she was saying without my personal feelings and emotions even coming into play! It was a very exciting realization for me because I think that means I'm growing and God is changing me!
In fact last night while I was going through my Beth Moore study several statements stuck out to me that I wanted to share:
"In bitter tears we sometimes let go of the rope, tumble to the ground and cry, 'have your way, God! You're going to do what you want anyway!' He knows how desperately we want some of the things for which we are asking. God's will is always best even when we cannot imagine how. One day you'll understand.l And you'll see His glory."
These were amazing things to read. I have always known this, but a good swift dose of reality never hurts. My prayer last night changed for the first time in a long time. I went from "God just please give me a baby, and especially before you give A, B and C one!" to "Lord, what do you want me to learn in this process? What are you trying to teach me? How are you planning to use me?"
I started out praying this way, and somewhere along the lines my desperation brought me to a state of complete selfishness. I fear when we're in these states God will never give us our desires until we step out of this place and honestly fall on our knees and ask for HIS will in our lives. It's a hard place to get to, but yesterday, this was my place.
Praise God!
I also was really proud of myself because we even talked about when her and GB would start the process of trying to get pregnant and I didn't have really any feelings about that. Normaly I find myself frantically praying that people won't get pg before me, but not this time (even though I selfishly still hope she doesn't!) but I didn't even have those feelings. In fact it was the first time I could actualy just focus on what she was saying without my personal feelings and emotions even coming into play! It was a very exciting realization for me because I think that means I'm growing and God is changing me!
In fact last night while I was going through my Beth Moore study several statements stuck out to me that I wanted to share:
"In bitter tears we sometimes let go of the rope, tumble to the ground and cry, 'have your way, God! You're going to do what you want anyway!' He knows how desperately we want some of the things for which we are asking. God's will is always best even when we cannot imagine how. One day you'll understand.l And you'll see His glory."
These were amazing things to read. I have always known this, but a good swift dose of reality never hurts. My prayer last night changed for the first time in a long time. I went from "God just please give me a baby, and especially before you give A, B and C one!" to "Lord, what do you want me to learn in this process? What are you trying to teach me? How are you planning to use me?"
I started out praying this way, and somewhere along the lines my desperation brought me to a state of complete selfishness. I fear when we're in these states God will never give us our desires until we step out of this place and honestly fall on our knees and ask for HIS will in our lives. It's a hard place to get to, but yesterday, this was my place.
Praise God!
Friday, March 23, 2007
Please watch
This is a short film that was made by a couple struggling with infertility.
I would love if you would watch this:
http://www.vocalicious.com/empty_arms/empty_arms_mod.html
I would love if you would watch this:
http://www.vocalicious.com/empty_arms/empty_arms_mod.html
From my dad
My parents gave me a daily flip book for my birthday, but judging from the fact that my dad wrote in the cover, I'm thinking he picked it out. :-)
Anyways, I almost forgot to flip to todays since we're on our way out of town to visit Sandi and Gavin in Mayville, but I'm so glad I did! This is what it said:
Through God we will do valiantly: Psalm 108:13
There are two ways of getting out of a trial. One is to simply try to get rid of the trial, and be thankful when it is over. The other is to recognize the trial as a challenge from God to claim a larger blessing than we have ever had... As Peter Marshall once put it,
"God will not permit any troubles to come upon us, unless He has a specific plan by which great blessing can come out of the difficulty."
This is what my hope has been and will continue to be. God may have a perfectly good reason for allowing us to go through this, and I just have to believe that he has a specific plan for us during and after this time!
Anyways, I almost forgot to flip to todays since we're on our way out of town to visit Sandi and Gavin in Mayville, but I'm so glad I did! This is what it said:
Through God we will do valiantly: Psalm 108:13
There are two ways of getting out of a trial. One is to simply try to get rid of the trial, and be thankful when it is over. The other is to recognize the trial as a challenge from God to claim a larger blessing than we have ever had... As Peter Marshall once put it,
"God will not permit any troubles to come upon us, unless He has a specific plan by which great blessing can come out of the difficulty."
This is what my hope has been and will continue to be. God may have a perfectly good reason for allowing us to go through this, and I just have to believe that he has a specific plan for us during and after this time!
Thursday, March 22, 2007
My name is Rachel and I have a problem with pride.
Phew, I'm glad I got that off my chest :-)
This is really something I find myself struggling with lately. I've always struggle with being prideful, but lately since I'm extra sensitive to everything, it seems to be showing up much more often :-(. I find myself saying things I don't mean, and being irritated at people who're trying to help. I find myself thinking "you don't know what I'm going through, so how can you help?" Which is a terrible way to think because I DO need help and people CAN help and I NEED people to help.. so feeling that way is beyond ridiculous.
Recently I hurt someone that I had absolutely no intentions of hurting, but my pride came first, and then the fall-wait have I read that somewhere before? (JK)
I need a better attitude often, but especially these days.
This is really something I find myself struggling with lately. I've always struggle with being prideful, but lately since I'm extra sensitive to everything, it seems to be showing up much more often :-(. I find myself saying things I don't mean, and being irritated at people who're trying to help. I find myself thinking "you don't know what I'm going through, so how can you help?" Which is a terrible way to think because I DO need help and people CAN help and I NEED people to help.. so feeling that way is beyond ridiculous.
Recently I hurt someone that I had absolutely no intentions of hurting, but my pride came first, and then the fall-wait have I read that somewhere before? (JK)
I need a better attitude often, but especially these days.
Wednesday, March 21, 2007
good day, a bit slobbery, but a good day
Today I had $300 worth of dental work done. Why does it seem that with me, dental work always seems to come $300 at a time, and several times a year? I have no problem going to the dentist every 6 months if it meant I only had to get my teeth cleaned, but then they follow me up with 3 more visists I need to come for. I asked them today, "do I really have that many cavities?" they said that I actually had far less than most people, but apparently my teeth suck and seem to break the fillings, or lose the fillings, or need root canals, etc. Dumb genes that gave me bad teeth! :-) JK.
Anyways, moving on. I am having a very good day today. I haven't been sad once, which is HUGE! And I'm on my way to meet a bride soon that I totally connected with on the phone, so I know I'll enjoy the meeting. Joey and I had a very nice day yesterday.
Life is good!
Anyways, moving on. I am having a very good day today. I haven't been sad once, which is HUGE! And I'm on my way to meet a bride soon that I totally connected with on the phone, so I know I'll enjoy the meeting. Joey and I had a very nice day yesterday.
Life is good!
Tuesday, March 20, 2007
Happy Anniversary
That makes me want to sing the anniversary song "Happy anniversary, to both of us from you! " :-) okay I improvised a bit!
It's really hard to believe that at this moment 3 years ago I was standing on an alter with my fiance taking pictures in our wedding attire! It's crazy how fast time flies.
I was also remembering our first anniversary when we were up at Bill and Dawn's cabin for a week and I cried myself to sleep that night because out of no where I wanted to have a baby so badly and because of med school and my working at the bank, I didn't feel like it was ever going to happen. Here I am 2 years later, still crying myself to sleep, but for different reasons all together! :-/.
But not today! I refuse to feel down about this baby stuff today, Joey and I are going to the cities to celebrate and we're going to enjoy ourselves tonight!
I can't wait.
It's really hard to believe that at this moment 3 years ago I was standing on an alter with my fiance taking pictures in our wedding attire! It's crazy how fast time flies.
I was also remembering our first anniversary when we were up at Bill and Dawn's cabin for a week and I cried myself to sleep that night because out of no where I wanted to have a baby so badly and because of med school and my working at the bank, I didn't feel like it was ever going to happen. Here I am 2 years later, still crying myself to sleep, but for different reasons all together! :-/.
But not today! I refuse to feel down about this baby stuff today, Joey and I are going to the cities to celebrate and we're going to enjoy ourselves tonight!
I can't wait.
Thursday, March 15, 2007
I'm posting again
I know I already posted for today, but I'm just sitting here feeling angry and I'm festering and I'm bitter and I just need to journal through this.
WHO AM I?! seriously, one minute I'm normal happy bubbly Rachel, and then the next minute I'm angry at the thought, or site or mention of every pregnant woman. Why do I feel the right to hate everyone who gets pregnant before me? Why do I feel because I'm married longer, or I've been trying longer, or I want it more (who's to judge that one, really? Not me.) I should get a baby first? WHY do I feel so selfish? I feel angry and frustrated and angry (did I mention that one?).
And yet I find myself being obssesed. I find myself wandering through baby forums and viewing people's pictures of their bellies and nurseries and I get mad and jealous and spiteful. So one would think I would stop looking right? NO! In fact I tend to look longer. I know it's rotten Satan, he always seems to know EXACTLY how to fuel my rage, but really Rachel, aren't we past that point in our faith? I need to somehow remove this temptation from my life. But how? I can't remove the internet all together, I use it for work (granted I use it MUCH more for personal than work).
I fear on my own I can't resist the temptation. It needs to be completely a God thing. And yet why does it seem like so much work to ask him (and trust him) that he will remove this temptation from me? Do I really trust him so little?
I'm sitting at my computer crying like a baby wishing I could go to sleep and wake up when this is over. If you're reading my blog, I'm sorry I'm such a debbie downer, I don't mean to be, but this is my journal so I must be true to myself and write down my personal thoughts.
Also if you're pregnant and reading this, I apologize. I don't have anger towards you as a person, only my circumstances waged against yours.
WHO AM I?! seriously, one minute I'm normal happy bubbly Rachel, and then the next minute I'm angry at the thought, or site or mention of every pregnant woman. Why do I feel the right to hate everyone who gets pregnant before me? Why do I feel because I'm married longer, or I've been trying longer, or I want it more (who's to judge that one, really? Not me.) I should get a baby first? WHY do I feel so selfish? I feel angry and frustrated and angry (did I mention that one?).
And yet I find myself being obssesed. I find myself wandering through baby forums and viewing people's pictures of their bellies and nurseries and I get mad and jealous and spiteful. So one would think I would stop looking right? NO! In fact I tend to look longer. I know it's rotten Satan, he always seems to know EXACTLY how to fuel my rage, but really Rachel, aren't we past that point in our faith? I need to somehow remove this temptation from my life. But how? I can't remove the internet all together, I use it for work (granted I use it MUCH more for personal than work).
I fear on my own I can't resist the temptation. It needs to be completely a God thing. And yet why does it seem like so much work to ask him (and trust him) that he will remove this temptation from me? Do I really trust him so little?
I'm sitting at my computer crying like a baby wishing I could go to sleep and wake up when this is over. If you're reading my blog, I'm sorry I'm such a debbie downer, I don't mean to be, but this is my journal so I must be true to myself and write down my personal thoughts.
Also if you're pregnant and reading this, I apologize. I don't have anger towards you as a person, only my circumstances waged against yours.
NOTHING, I repeat NOTHING is black and white anymore.
I have now entered a world that seems to be entirely made up of gray. For each positive, there is a negative, for each here, there is a there, for each for certain, there is a but.
Everything I read on infertility from one Dr. seems to have a contradiction from a different Dr. You'll never hear all Dr's agree on the same stats, quotes, results etc. It's SO FRUSTRATING!
I guess I'm learning that I can't rely on medicine, I can ONLY rely on the One who controls my life. *sigh*. Why does that feel so hard to do? I know I have no say over things anyway, He's the one in control, so I should just try to give up my serious need to be in constant control of things. But alas, it continues to be so hard.
Today is day 18 of my cycle and I got a positive reading on my OPK (ovulator predictor kid) which means I am ovulating. (I was wrong in my post before) This is good news, except that my midwife things I'm annovulatory, which means it's not consistant (it won't happen every month). So now do we postpone the Clomid until we've done 3 months of OPK's to make sure I'm not ovulating consistantly, or do we just do the clomid regardless? It's never an easy decision.
I am so sick and tired of waiting for the one time a month we can conceive, only to let it pass and wait until I get my dreaded period that only means I haven't gotten pregnant, once again. Then I wait two more weeks until I again have my small window of opportunity, only to wait two more weeks for the dreaded period... and it goes on and on. 3 months goes by so fast, I understand that, but when every single day feels so hard to live through at times, multiplying that times 90 days sounds like torture.
I'm just tired, I'm tired of trying to figure out my stupid body. I'm tired of trying to know all the right answers. I'm tired of there not being any stinken black and white. I'm tired of NOT BEING PREGNANT! I just want a baby so badly to grow in my body, I want to not have to wait and hope and pray anymore about this, I want to not have to hear one more person is pregnant before I get my turn, I just want it to happen!!!
I am scrapping everything I've written before. I'm saying "just kidding" to anything medically I've stated in the past. I'm realizing I don't have a clue what I'm doing and only Christ can be my stronghold. No amount of reading on the internet, or reading IF books, or speaking with other woman who've been through it will carry me through. IN CHRIST ALONE WILL I STAND.
I don't know when I will get this through my head. Why does it have to be such a battle for me? I am in control of nothing.
Everything I read on infertility from one Dr. seems to have a contradiction from a different Dr. You'll never hear all Dr's agree on the same stats, quotes, results etc. It's SO FRUSTRATING!
I guess I'm learning that I can't rely on medicine, I can ONLY rely on the One who controls my life. *sigh*. Why does that feel so hard to do? I know I have no say over things anyway, He's the one in control, so I should just try to give up my serious need to be in constant control of things. But alas, it continues to be so hard.
Today is day 18 of my cycle and I got a positive reading on my OPK (ovulator predictor kid) which means I am ovulating. (I was wrong in my post before) This is good news, except that my midwife things I'm annovulatory, which means it's not consistant (it won't happen every month). So now do we postpone the Clomid until we've done 3 months of OPK's to make sure I'm not ovulating consistantly, or do we just do the clomid regardless? It's never an easy decision.
I am so sick and tired of waiting for the one time a month we can conceive, only to let it pass and wait until I get my dreaded period that only means I haven't gotten pregnant, once again. Then I wait two more weeks until I again have my small window of opportunity, only to wait two more weeks for the dreaded period... and it goes on and on. 3 months goes by so fast, I understand that, but when every single day feels so hard to live through at times, multiplying that times 90 days sounds like torture.
I'm just tired, I'm tired of trying to figure out my stupid body. I'm tired of trying to know all the right answers. I'm tired of there not being any stinken black and white. I'm tired of NOT BEING PREGNANT! I just want a baby so badly to grow in my body, I want to not have to wait and hope and pray anymore about this, I want to not have to hear one more person is pregnant before I get my turn, I just want it to happen!!!
I am scrapping everything I've written before. I'm saying "just kidding" to anything medically I've stated in the past. I'm realizing I don't have a clue what I'm doing and only Christ can be my stronghold. No amount of reading on the internet, or reading IF books, or speaking with other woman who've been through it will carry me through. IN CHRIST ALONE WILL I STAND.
I don't know when I will get this through my head. Why does it have to be such a battle for me? I am in control of nothing.
Tuesday, March 13, 2007
No "O" for me...
Last month my midwife said to see an OB to put me on Clomid (which will help me ovulate="O"). I went to see one in Coon Rapids and he said I needed to "Prove to him I wasn't ovulating" (he was a total jerk). Anyways, we took his advice and invested in some OPK's (ovulation predictor kits) and decided to do them until (and after) we could get into a dr in Cambridge.
So I have an appt with an OB in Cambridge on 3/23 and I have five months of charting to show him, plus the tests that Sue, the midwife, performed, showing I didn't ovulate. And now one month of OPK's which showed I didn't ovulate this month. I feel MUCH better going into this appt and coming out with clomid on the other side.
I am finally starting to feel like we're moving in the right direction! Now I'm actually excited for my appointment! I'm just really glad we did the OPK's this month to show I didn't ovulate.. once again!
The odd thing about this month, and the last several is it seemed like I ovulated based on symptoms, but I obviously didn't. Weird!
So I have an appt with an OB in Cambridge on 3/23 and I have five months of charting to show him, plus the tests that Sue, the midwife, performed, showing I didn't ovulate. And now one month of OPK's which showed I didn't ovulate this month. I feel MUCH better going into this appt and coming out with clomid on the other side.
I am finally starting to feel like we're moving in the right direction! Now I'm actually excited for my appointment! I'm just really glad we did the OPK's this month to show I didn't ovulate.. once again!
The odd thing about this month, and the last several is it seemed like I ovulated based on symptoms, but I obviously didn't. Weird!
Friday, March 09, 2007
Drugding (sp?) along
I am sort of packing (for lutsen), sort of working, sort of getting my equipment ready for my wedding tomorrow, and sort of doing nothing.
I guess it's good that tonight is the night my family is praying for us because I feel very sad all of a sudden. I had an internet friend who was my "cycle buddy". IE: we were at the same place in our cycles hence we ovulated (or should have) at the same time, had the dreaded 2 week wait (2ww: the period in which we have to sit and wait for our period, hoping it will never come) and we even got tested on the same days for the same things.
Anyways, this friend, also called Rachel, just found out she's pregnant. While I should be elated for her, I feel sadly left behind. I worry this will never happen for me, I worry I will never get the chance to pee on a stick that will turn positive, I worry I will never get the chance to tell all my family and friends that we're pregnant, or take pictures of my growing belly, or feel kicks and turns and hiccups. I fear I'll never see a child that resembles both Joey and I in our looks and personality. I fear I'll never go through the torture of being 9 months pregnant and just waiting for the stinken baby to come out, or to go through the miseries of childbirth, only then to experience the true joy and instant love that comes when you see your baby for the first time.
These are my fears, and today they sit as a lump in my throat, waiting to burst out with tears and sobs and cries and screams.
I guess it's good that tonight is the night my family is praying for us because I feel very sad all of a sudden. I had an internet friend who was my "cycle buddy". IE: we were at the same place in our cycles hence we ovulated (or should have) at the same time, had the dreaded 2 week wait (2ww: the period in which we have to sit and wait for our period, hoping it will never come) and we even got tested on the same days for the same things.
Anyways, this friend, also called Rachel, just found out she's pregnant. While I should be elated for her, I feel sadly left behind. I worry this will never happen for me, I worry I will never get the chance to pee on a stick that will turn positive, I worry I will never get the chance to tell all my family and friends that we're pregnant, or take pictures of my growing belly, or feel kicks and turns and hiccups. I fear I'll never see a child that resembles both Joey and I in our looks and personality. I fear I'll never go through the torture of being 9 months pregnant and just waiting for the stinken baby to come out, or to go through the miseries of childbirth, only then to experience the true joy and instant love that comes when you see your baby for the first time.
These are my fears, and today they sit as a lump in my throat, waiting to burst out with tears and sobs and cries and screams.
Rocky night
Last night Joey and I had a really bad night. We've kind of been tense and fighting some since I got home, but last night was the "duking it out night". Apparently he's been holding things back (ie: his feelings, emotions) because he knows how hard this is on me and he hasn't wanted to make it worse. But it (like always) came exploding out all at once. It was however, in my opinion, a well handled fight, but it was long.
Joey and I don't fight that often, but I'd say about once every 6 months we have a really big fight. I think we're getting better at them though because last night my voice wasn't soar afterwards! :-) (did you know? I tend to be a yeller!)
Anyways, we talked for a long time and we finally fell back onto the same page. As it turned out I was also holding things back from him because I felt like he would think I was silly, or annoying and he wouldn't understand. So instead I would tell my true feelings to a woman (miss, bridgit, sandi...) because they can understand me more. But he does want to know how I'm feeling, so I of course ended up letting it all out and then it was a big sob fest.
Also Joey's feeling concerned about my seeing a dr in cambridge because apparently the nurses have a reputation of spreading things around about people who work there. He's afraid everyone will know and want to talk to him about it and he'd rather keep his professional and private life seperate.
So I'm just praying that the nurse we deal with will have the good senses to keep this VERY SENSITIVE matter quiet and to herself (and the dr of course). I'm going to call my family dr in coon rapids and see if he can recomend someone down there, if he can I might move my appt. But I will not risk going through what I went through before by just chosing a dr. (aka a numbnuts!)
So that's where we're at. I'm feeling much better today, we fell asleep feeling good. I know this has mostly been about me vs Joey (because I'm the one with the huge ups and downs), but his feeilngs are important to me so I need to do what I can in this process for him.
Joey and I don't fight that often, but I'd say about once every 6 months we have a really big fight. I think we're getting better at them though because last night my voice wasn't soar afterwards! :-) (did you know? I tend to be a yeller!)
Anyways, we talked for a long time and we finally fell back onto the same page. As it turned out I was also holding things back from him because I felt like he would think I was silly, or annoying and he wouldn't understand. So instead I would tell my true feelings to a woman (miss, bridgit, sandi...) because they can understand me more. But he does want to know how I'm feeling, so I of course ended up letting it all out and then it was a big sob fest.
Also Joey's feeling concerned about my seeing a dr in cambridge because apparently the nurses have a reputation of spreading things around about people who work there. He's afraid everyone will know and want to talk to him about it and he'd rather keep his professional and private life seperate.
So I'm just praying that the nurse we deal with will have the good senses to keep this VERY SENSITIVE matter quiet and to herself (and the dr of course). I'm going to call my family dr in coon rapids and see if he can recomend someone down there, if he can I might move my appt. But I will not risk going through what I went through before by just chosing a dr. (aka a numbnuts!)
So that's where we're at. I'm feeling much better today, we fell asleep feeling good. I know this has mostly been about me vs Joey (because I'm the one with the huge ups and downs), but his feeilngs are important to me so I need to do what I can in this process for him.
Wednesday, March 07, 2007
Feeling great!
I have been running for the last several week again (minus in germany!) and it feels so great! I feel better about myself, less lazy, I want to eat better :-) It's a good thing all around! Plus the better I feel about myself in general, the less down I feel about IF!
I just got done running about 30 minutes ago and I feel so much more into my work today! Praise God!
I just got done running about 30 minutes ago and I feel so much more into my work today! Praise God!
Monday, March 05, 2007
I'm back!
Well I got back from
I had an amazing trip, it was beyond gorgeous and God was so good to me while I was there! I only had one night where I felt sad about all this, but the majority of the time I felt like I was in another world (well I sort of was!).
I'm back now and working today.. and I know that God will continue to be amazing, but I still can't help but feel myself slink back into a sadness mode. I got an email bright and early about another friend who's pregnant. Which is always hard to hear. But I'm going to push through this and believe we will also get good news somewhere on the other side of all this sadness.
Joey has continued to step up to the plate and support me and encourage me in all the ways he knows how. Yesterday at church he really wanted to bring me to the front afterwards and have someone pray for me. I am ashamed to admit I ducked out of it. I didn't want to start bawling and loose it for the rest of the day.. but I should have gone, it was sweet of him to want to take me. Next time I won't be so unwilling :-/
This Friday my family is getting together to celebrate my birthday and to pray for Joey and I. I have a feeling it will be wonderful and hard at the same time. I haven't let myself be completely vulnerable in front of a group of people before and certainly not any men (besides Joey)... so I hope that the time will be good for me and not hard.
Then on Sunday Joey and I are heading up to Lusten for 4 days of snowboarding for our anniversary! I am so excited to have some alone time with hime away from life!
Anyways, that's it for today.
Thursday, February 22, 2007
A good day
Well I finished my last 06 wedding and I'm feeling really happy in the work dept! Finally I can feel a bit free!
And now I'm on my way to Germany! :-) I leave tomorow with my wonderful friends Andrea and Rachel ( from JC). I already can feel myself loosening up from the constant straing of thinking the baby business day and night! Especially since we can't go on clomid this month, I think passing the month quickly will be good for me! God always knows exactly what I need doesn't he? :-)
And now I'm on my way to Germany! :-) I leave tomorow with my wonderful friends Andrea and Rachel ( from JC). I already can feel myself loosening up from the constant straing of thinking the baby business day and night! Especially since we can't go on clomid this month, I think passing the month quickly will be good for me! God always knows exactly what I need doesn't he? :-)
Tuesday, February 20, 2007
feel the burn...
Lately I find myself feeling insulted very easily.. people say things that they don't have a clue will hurt my feeling.. but unfortunately they do. I know people are trying to be helpful, but I am not 100% myself these days (or even close to that) and I know I let myself be stung by things I shouldn't. I know this is something I need to bring to God more heavily in prayer.. I know I'm sensitive, but I don't want to feel hurt or angry.
I also can't help but feel sad and frustrated when I hear about all the people around me getting pregnant. It feels like a slap in the face.. I know it's not! But that's how it feels. I have wondered lately if IF (infertility) is God's way of saying we're meant to adopt. Maybe we're not suppose to pursue medical treatments, maybe we shouldn't be relying on modern medicine to give us a baby. But then I think, if someone's dying, we don't think twice about relying on the advancements of modern medicine to cure as well as pray for a miracle. So is it really any different when it comes to conceiving a baby naturally?
I feel confused again today. These are the things that are burdening my heart today and I need to spend some serious time with God praying about them.. I know he has closed the door on clomid for the next cycle. We prayed the day before we went to the dr that He would give us a sense of peace or close any doors that He might not want open. As unfortunate as that dr appt was, it's hard not to wonder if that's was God's way of closing the door on this.
I hope and pray we will have a clear answer from Him. I know we'll get it, I just hope we hear it.
I also can't help but feel sad and frustrated when I hear about all the people around me getting pregnant. It feels like a slap in the face.. I know it's not! But that's how it feels. I have wondered lately if IF (infertility) is God's way of saying we're meant to adopt. Maybe we're not suppose to pursue medical treatments, maybe we shouldn't be relying on modern medicine to give us a baby. But then I think, if someone's dying, we don't think twice about relying on the advancements of modern medicine to cure as well as pray for a miracle. So is it really any different when it comes to conceiving a baby naturally?
I feel confused again today. These are the things that are burdening my heart today and I need to spend some serious time with God praying about them.. I know he has closed the door on clomid for the next cycle. We prayed the day before we went to the dr that He would give us a sense of peace or close any doors that He might not want open. As unfortunate as that dr appt was, it's hard not to wonder if that's was God's way of closing the door on this.
I hope and pray we will have a clear answer from Him. I know we'll get it, I just hope we hear it.
Monday, February 19, 2007
Starting to feel the defeat
Well my appt on friday was miserable.. I ended up seeing a dr that could see me that day... I had to go to coon rapids and needless to say, there was a reason his schedule was open!
He treated us terribly.. he insulted me, Joey, cambridge, the cambridge clinic, my midwife.. pretty much everyone... here's the story:
So first the nurse made a comment about how we're just a bunch of kids... okay? Why is that her business? I'm not sure. Then the dr comes in makes a comment about my age and asked how long we've been married. When I said three years he was like "wow, you got married really young!" (in a condiscending tone).
Then he asks if I have any medical conditions. I tell him I have Tourette's syndrom. He asks if I'm on meds and I say "no it's very mild I haven't been in a few years" He says "you're not going to start swearing at me are you?" I was TOTALLLY appalled!! That is a rude question for a normal person let alone for a dr. He was like "haha.. just kidding" (NOT FUNNY).
Then he rolls his eyes when I told him Joey is doing RPAP (the program that has us up in cambridge) and that's why we were working with a midwife up in cambridge.
GGAHGHAHGHAGHAGHAGHAGHAGH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
So that's the story about friday. Also we got joey's sperm anaylisis back and they only checked his count, not motility or mophology (how fast/slow they are and to see if they're mishaped) so now we have to have another one done at a bigger clinic. Plus I found out today my Insurance doesn't cover any of this.. I knew we'd be paying for a lot.. but I thought it would at least go towards our deductible...but it doesn't.
Now I'm not sure where to go. The OB's in cambridge are older and don't deal with infertility much so I'm wondering if I should see a specialist (many people suggest this right away).. but will that cost more?! I just feel drained today.
I would appreciate any prayers....
He treated us terribly.. he insulted me, Joey, cambridge, the cambridge clinic, my midwife.. pretty much everyone... here's the story:
So first the nurse made a comment about how we're just a bunch of kids... okay? Why is that her business? I'm not sure. Then the dr comes in makes a comment about my age and asked how long we've been married. When I said three years he was like "wow, you got married really young!" (in a condiscending tone).
Then he asks if I have any medical conditions. I tell him I have Tourette's syndrom. He asks if I'm on meds and I say "no it's very mild I haven't been in a few years" He says "you're not going to start swearing at me are you?" I was TOTALLLY appalled!! That is a rude question for a normal person let alone for a dr. He was like "haha.. just kidding" (NOT FUNNY).
Then he rolls his eyes when I told him Joey is doing RPAP (the program that has us up in cambridge) and that's why we were working with a midwife up in cambridge.
Then he totally insulted my midwife by basically saying she was stupid for checking progesterone because HE would never check for progesterone. Then he tells me we're starting from scratch and he wants me to start CHARTING!! (um hello, I have been doing that since last summer!!) accompanied by ovulation predictor kids for THREE months before he'll start testing my levelsand even consider clomid.
I was furious.. I didn't drive down there, spend my money and waste my time to have him tell me we needed to freaking start over!!
THEN he says, well you guys are so young, don't you think you're being a little impatient?!?!?!?! I couldn't believe this guy!!! We stopped protecting 17 months ago and actively started trying 13 months ago. Who does he think he is?!
I was furious. I was sobbing by the time I left, I couldn't think straight.. I felt totally hopeful the day before about going on Clomid and feeling more like we had a plan for the situation. Now I have to wait a month to see another dr because there's no way on earth I would go back to thisguy.
GGAHGHAHGHAGHAGHAGHAGHAGH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
So that's the story about friday. Also we got joey's sperm anaylisis back and they only checked his count, not motility or mophology (how fast/slow they are and to see if they're mishaped) so now we have to have another one done at a bigger clinic. Plus I found out today my Insurance doesn't cover any of this.. I knew we'd be paying for a lot.. but I thought it would at least go towards our deductible...but it doesn't.
Now I'm not sure where to go. The OB's in cambridge are older and don't deal with infertility much so I'm wondering if I should see a specialist (many people suggest this right away).. but will that cost more?! I just feel drained today.
I would appreciate any prayers....
Friday, February 16, 2007
Intertility consultation
I managed to get into an appt today at 2pm with a dr (in coon rapids) for intertility treatments. If I didn't take today I'd have to wait a month! So needless to say I'm glad I got in today! This means I can start my treatments this month!! woo hoo :-) You have to start at a certain point in your cycle and if I waited a month I would miss this next cycle. Phew close call :-)
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