IVF is starting!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Holy molys.. I just called and got TONS of appointments set up!!! :-)

I have my saline sono, trial transfer and our RE consult all in 2 1/2 weeks!!!! Joey also has some testing and I have to go in for day 3 b/w in Dec.

Then in January we start the BCP's and another drug, then 2/5 I start stims and we'll have the egg retrieval (ER) the week of 2/18!!!!!!!

I just can't believe it! It's actually happening!!! So stay tuned.. I'm sure I'll have tons to write about!

Oh and VERY exciting news.. my SIL (the red head below) got engaged last night!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

More pics...

These pictures are of my OTHER beautiful SIL (joey's twin sister) and her new hubby since October!

More of the photography stuff :-)

Why not share more? I had so much fun this weekend taking pictures of my beautiful SIL (joey's older sister) and her soon to be fiance! (can't wait!) So I of course had to share some of my favorite pics :-) There are of course only 200 more!

IVF here we come!

Yes you read that right... we have decided to move onto IVF. And we're very excited! It's funny how you can change your mind about things! We never wanted to do IVF before adoption... but now things are different. :-/

We are planning on doing the shared risk plan (pray we qualify!) so we'll get 3 fresh tries and 3 FETs.... so it seems like a great option.. and if you don't have a live birth after 3 you get 70% of your money back! So we're really at peace about all of this!

When church goes wrong...

Today was a really hard day. First we went to my sisters church to watch our beautiful 1 1/2 year old nephew get dedicated. Things like this are always somewhat hard for me because had we gotten pregnant on our first cycle (which I actually thought I was ...2 weeks late... long story), our child would be one month older than our nephew. So monumental occasions like this sting my heart. And as much as we LOVE (and I mean LOVE) our nephew, it's just hard to know what could have been for us and how far we are from having that.

Then because it's adoption awareness month (nice month to have our adoption fall through ha?) there were families sharing their beautiful adoption stories. I lost it.. during the prayer I got up and left and didn't return. Joey found me sobbing in a corner where he held me until the service was over. Then my family came to find us and I began sobbing... once again.

Adoption is a beautiful thing? Sure... sometimes. And sometimes it's not. We have unfortunately seen the ugly side of adoption... the side where people are dishonest and are willing to hurt trusting people like us... the part where you lose money and have no child to call your own, and have to start over.

So to us, we have lost our naivety about adoption. It doesn't seem beautiful to us anymore. And for that our hearts hurt.

My sister (and whole family for that matter) was wonderful. She convinced me to come back to her house to celebrate with the rest of the family and it turned into a wonderful afternoon. But my heart still aches. We have lost the sense of naivety in ALL of this baby making stuff.

ps

just because it's one of those days...

My heart is still aching.

What do I do with all this baby stuff? We have been preparing to bring a baby in our home and it shows... and now I can't bear to look at all of this stuff.... I know we should take everything down and box it up for our own sanity.. but I'm not sure I can bear to put everything away. It feels like we've experienced a death and yet I have nothing to hold onto. I never had a pregnancy, I never had a match... we had nothing. Just the hope that a baby was going to come into our home. And now that hope is dead.

I feel so cheated and ripped off... like a very cruel joke has been played on us. As if our hearts are being run over. Like waiting and hoping we'd get pregnant for the last two years wasn't hard enough, now to add a death of an adoption journey to the list. It's so unfair.

I'm just so sad. I don't understand where we're suppose to go from here.. I feel so torn, so limited. WHY IS IT SO HARD?!??????????!?!?!?!?!? It wasn't suppose to be like this.

I am now a Caribou employee .

I got the job... they offered it to me the same day I interviewed. I'm feeling much better about it than when I posed last...

I was honestly surprised they offered me the job! I shouldn't be.. I'm well qualified and I have a lot of good job experience. But with needing the entire month of January off and being honest about the possibility of moving in June, I thought he'd just skip me over! But I guess not.

Anyways, I have some paperwork to fill out tomorrow and then I guess I'll start later in the week.... I should be working less than 20 hours a week.. and the pay is pretty decent for the job, so it'll be nice income.

And now that we don't have a baby on the way, I'm not as worried about finishing my videos quite as fast.. and I only have two left anyways.

So that's my update!

Not to sound bitter but I hate this phrase!

"Everything happens for a reason" I don't know why I dislike it so much because to be 100% honest with you, I believe it! I really do. So why don't I like the phrase? I guess it's because it's just not what I want to hear from people. I believe it and I'm aware of it, but I just want to hear "I'm sorry" not "everything happens for a reason".

It's really silly that I can believe something and still not want to hear it.. I'm not quite sure I comprehend it.

That aside, I had my interview. It went well, as usual I spoke too fast :-P. But I really hope I don't get the job. I'm not kidding. I just don't know that I have the energy for it...so why did I apply for it? Because financially it was the right thing to do :-(

what now?

I know I didn't really blog earlier, I just copy and pasted my mom's email, I blog-cheated... but honestly I'm not sure how to feel. We're thinking we might go back to the idea of adopting from Colombia. The reason we had shyed away from it was because of the wait time.. but now we're feeling like we don't have many other options as far as wait goes, we just might not be parents in the next two years.... as much as that kills me. Seriously why does this have to be so hard?

I'm not sure I can go through a domestic adoption again... I just don't know... so we're praying about it and going to meet with the agency that we thought about using before when we were looking into colombia.

Anyways, I'm fine one minute and a disaster the next. I was so proud of my 3 1/2 month ticker.. we were finally moving along.. and now this. We have to start all over.

I'm off to see martian child with my friend and sister.. I'm excited to have the time out. And my mom took me to dinner today, which was really nice.

Our agency lost it's lisence.

This is the email my mom sent out to friends and family.. it pretty much sums it up:

*****************************************

Dear Family & Friends,

We received some sad news today. The adoption agency Rachel & Joey have been working with in Florida lost their license. Unbeknownst to all the potential adoptive parents – the director of the agency has been under investigation by the government for some time. The allegations are fraud against the government.

Rachel and Joey have a peace that goes beyond human comprehension although their hearts are heavy and they covet your continued prayers. They also ask for your prayers for as the many other couples that were working with this agency, the birth mothers and maybe most importantly those unborn children. “Chosen” couples are now working with an attorney to determine the outcome of those children. Others like Rachel and Joey will be working with the attorney in hopes of recovering the money they have invested in the agency.

A couple diagnosed as infertile is at the mercy of the integrity of all those they need to help them have a child of their own. Rachel and Joey did all the “right” things – they received glowing recommendations from other young couples that had worked with this agency and a background check on the agency however the government does not put out a red flag alerting unsuspecting couples that an agency is under infestation.

I’m sure you have questions but please give Rachel and Joey time and space they need to process this. They will need our love and support more than ever and you can be sure that any question you have they have asked themselves.

We will keep you posted but for now really ask for your prayers.

Sincerely,
Barbara

An interview at Caribou

Well I did it, I finally went and applied for a "winter job". And at my favorite place no less, Caribou Coffee!!! If you live in a land where Caribou doesn't exist, I mourn for you.. you will NEVER find better coffee... not starbucks, not dunn brothers and not seattles best ... it's Caribou all the way! So is it any wonder why I want to work there? :-)

So anyways, I have a job interview on Friday. But here's the problem. I haven't had an interview in over three years!! And when I meet with brides, I do the directing of the meeting and it's at a Caribou none the less!!! So I'm a bit nervous I'll want to run the show! haha.. hopefully I won't!

Anyways, I know with us taking the entire month of January to road trip for residency interviews.. I'm aware I might not get the job.. but I'm leaving it in God's hands!

I'm not up for tag :-(

Sorry everyone who's tagged me! But I've been tagged like five times and I don't have the energy to learn how to play and then play it! ... guess that makes me a party pooper!

And to any of your techies out there (SJ?) how can you see who is viewing your blog?

ANOTHER $1000!!!!!!

Can you believe it? How amazing is that? And do you want to know who it's from? A couple at our church that we barely know! I have shared my heart with both the husband and the wife at different times kind of randomly by email through this process. And I guess a few years ago God really put adoption on their heart so they started saving and felt they should share some of that with us!! I told them when/if they decide to adopt their own someday (they're currently pg with their first child), we'd better be the first to know!! I just am amazed.... I can't even believe it.

Praise God! What a HUGE blessing!

My much need hair therapy

I was due for a haircut anyway and I hated the color my last out of the box dye faded into so I went and got my hair done. :-)

Bad night :-(

Last night was a bad night. It started by my getting my feelings hurt and ended with my sobbing into Joey's arms for over an hour until finally I fell asleep. And now lucky me I have an emotional hangover. :-/

I feel so sad, and there are so many reasons. But as Joey is applying and accepting interviews for residency programs all over the US, I find myself wanting to move. Feeling like if we moved I'd be running away from all our problems, and all my sadness and we could start over somewhere and live happily ever after.

But then I remember if we leave, we leave all the people who love us and support us and DON'T say mean things and hurt our feelings. And we'd leave our church and our baby sitters and the kids in our family.. and then I ache more becaues I can't leave those things!

And now I feel like even a bigger mess because I don't know what I want and I'm tired of not being a mommy.. everyone else gets to be one why can't I!?!?! Lord what on earth could your plan for us be? Because I'm such a disaster and right now, I just want SOME sort of insight into the future!!!! Unless I couldn't handle it, in which case, that makes me want to crawl in a whole and go to sleep... for a long time.

My photography debut!! :-)

So this weekend one of my best friends and her husband came to visit from ND and I spent the afternoon taking pics of them.. I had SO much fun taking them that it makes me wish I did that instead of video!! :-0 But here are some of my favorites out of the 350!!

Adoption blogs are more boring than infertility ones...

Well that's not always the case but it is with mine.. I don't have a lot going on and not a lot of progress.. so I've resigned to the fact that until we're matched my blog might be boring :-( Bear with me.. I'm trying to keep it interesting :-)

3 months today!

That's right, check out my ticker at the bottom. It's been three months since we sent in our application to our agency! So we've been waiting to be placed for a little over 2 months! It's insane how fast time can fly! Honestly I use to look at people's tickers that said three months and mine said 1 days (lol...) and think that felt so far away! But here it is... and we're still doing good :-) But we're anxiously hoping we'll be matched sooner than the next three months! Could be wishful thinking.. who knows.

It could take a year.....

When we first started trying to have a baby I really only told our immediate families. And this is what I'd always say "but I know it could take a year!".

I was so realistic. Honestly! So many people are sooooo disapointed after their first, second, third month of not getting pg. That wasn't me. I fully expected it to take a year. So I thought I was safe by assuming the worst!

Lol... well I never thought that 2+ years later we'd still not be pregnant... and we'd still not have a baby in our home :-( It's just crazy how I thought I was being so careful by assuming it could take a year.

Anyways, that was random. I was just thinking about that this morning. Me with my ever realistic expectations.

But aside from all that, have a great halloween!!