Where did Maydaygirl go?

I have created a private blog, but due to my high volume of readers had to move it to another site that would allow for more private viewers.

PLEASE feel free to email me and ask for an invite! I WANT people to keep reading, I just want a bit more control! Rachel32004@msn.com.

I would love to see you "over there" but if not, I understand!

(PS if you think you should have access because you sent me an invite request, I've been through them all so if you don't have access, shoot me an email!)

Phew.. invites out!

I started working on the invites and just leaving the emails unread that hadn't signed up wordpress accounts. Tonight I finished going through every single email.

There are still 278 emails unread which means those people haven't created their wordpress account.

But if you DID create one, you SHOULD have access to my blog! You won't get an email just log in:

maydaygirl.wordpress.com

If you didn't create one, you still have till Friday (July 4th). However I'll be *hopefully* finding out the sex of the baby next week and posting it on my private blog (just to be mean! haha...)

So that's it! Check and see if you have access!

My sweet protector.

So, I cry in my sleep. Not every night, but several times a month I wake up (or don't) sobbing from a dream I've had. I've been like this since I was a little girl and it didn't take long being married for Joey to discover this (I guess I should have warned him). Usually sitting up, turning on a lamp and talking to someone makes me feel better. Which he quickly learned.

Well last night I was suddenly awakened by my second braxton hicks (scary!) and I couldn't sleep for a while after that. Having just watched "ps. I love you" I felt the need to be much closer to him. So I snuggled in and began sniffing (me pg = constant congestion). Well he quickly sat up (in the dark) and started touching my face, specifically my eyes. It was so sweet, he was checking to see if I had tears. As soon as he realized my eyes were dry he slumped back down and went to sleep.

I stayed up for at least another hour after that, and I just marveled at my sweet, adoring husband. Who would wake up from his hard sleep (worked 14 hours yesterday) just to make sure I didn't need him.

I sure love this man.

ps the movie "ps I love you" is SOOOO good! but don't watch it alone. I watched it with Joey and bawled all the way through it!

Yay my sports bra fits! Oh WAIT!!!

So I put on a sports bra yesterday to go biking that I haven't worn in a few months. I was so pleased to see it fit!

Then I walked by the mirror and realized AT LEAST an inch of my boobies were hanging out of the bottom!

Joey was laughing so hard.

STUPID GIANT BOOBS!

19 weeks.

I felt it was time Joey made it in a pic! This was us this weekend.


Please excuse the lack of make up.


Wow. Almost half way! I still feel great and the heat hasn't gotten to me too bad yet, so that's good!

My exciting thing for the week is that I can feel my uterus when I'm laying down! I'm sure this doesn't seem exciting to anyone but us but this whole time I can feel/see my bump when I'm standing but when I lay down it goes away (well it doesn't leave but it falls back into.. lala land?) but now it's hard and firm and we can see it/feel it! Joey was totally in awe last night. I guess it just makes it all feel more real!

Apparently by 20w the average uterus is the size of a soccer ball.. holy cow! That's big, especially for only half way!

Also Joey and I have been getting so good at taking walks regularly, and last night we headed out for a bike ride. I must say it wasn't that enjoyable, I think my butt is getting bigger because dang that seat was KILLING me! But we went about five miles and it felt good.

And I'm being proactive and I've started lifting weights with my arms again. The one part of my body I can't seem to hide and hate....but I know I can get them back in shape right? My sister always has toned sexy arms and I'm always so jealous, but here I am doing something about it :-)

Other than that, not much is new. Obviously I'm getting excited for next week. Hoping everything will be okay with the baby and that we'll get a shot so we can know the sex :-)

Help with names?

If you want to, throw out boy and girl names! We really prefer more unique than traditional but we'll hear anything!

ps don't throw out ones you wouldn't want me to use! (ie "your names".. if we know eachother IRL).

Meeting a reader!

This weekend I had the pleasure of meeting one of my readers! It's the strangest story. This girl, N, found my blog (not even sure how) and began reading it. Well her and her friend, A, started talking about TTC and what if they had problems and A told N about her friend who blogs (insert maydaygirl here). Turns out N was already reading and couldn't believe A was a very good friend of mine! So these two friends had been reading and not even knowing each other was as well!

So the two of them came to Chicago with their youth group (and husbands!) and invited Joey and I out to eat with them. It was so great to meet her and to see my wonderful wonderful friend A again!

Thanks for the great time and A and T- thanks again for dinner :-) You really didn't have to treat!

Reminder, if you want to keep reading my blog

You have one week to set up a wordpress account (instructions here) so you can receive an invite. If you don't have one set up wordpress will not let me invite you.

Thanks!

What's so amazing about Grace?

I'm not actually talking about the book, though I did start reading it a few years ago and have always wanted to finish it, but I like the title.

I've been thinking about grace a lot lately and it's something I've been praying for a lot more in my life.

I do not have a lot of grace (or patience, or tolerance, or compassion, just to name a few of my good qualities!).

Seriously these are areas that I lack in and am ALWAYS trying to work on. The three I named later more so than grace, but now I'm starting to realize that it all starts with grace.

What is grace? The Websters dictionary defines it as "unmerited divine assistance".

Unmerited.

It's a time that God or others shows us kindness, compassion, or forgiveness in a time when we don't deserve it.

And sadly I admit to not having a lot of this. Very sad.

But as I've been praying about this and asking God to help me grow in this area, I've been reliving many times I've been shown grace through my life. There are countless times, starting with my parents who showed me grace many times as a child, teenager, and even a growing adult when I didn't certainly didn't deserve it.

And then through dealing with IF. Oy. So many times. So many people.

My cousin Mary was the first person close to me to become pregnant after we outed our IF struggles. Literally I got the call just days after I asked my close family members to start praying for us. It was hard. Really hard. I wanted to deal with the situation well, but my flesh stepped in. And I prayed hard through the process but I know I wounded her and had to go back later and ask for forgiveness. I couldn't be happy for her when I should have. Period.

How did my cousin respond? She started reading books about IF at work when she was slow. She would email me or IM me and tell me about a part that made her weep and how sad she was for me through this process. Every time I would get enough courage to ask her questions about her pregnancy, she would briefly answer the questions and get right back to me and how I was doing.

That's Grace. I didn't deserve it. Not one bit.

My sister. My sister got pg with her third child the month after we started trying (the first month I thought I was pg- period 2 weeks late! but wasn't and was extremely sad and felt all the more desperate to get pg). She then went on to have her baby and was able to get pg again in the time we were trying. It wasn't a pretty time in my life. Through this process, it was rock bottom.

Sad isn't it? My sister being pregnant (with my beautiful nephew who I love and adore) was my rock bottom.

My blog entry about it wasn't pretty. And my reaction was even worse. She told me in person and I left my house went out in the garage and sobbed and sobbed and finally told Joey I needed her to leave. I still loved my sister whole heartedly, but I was aching at the very core. And for the first time I was angry at God for allowing me to be going through this process.

My sister left me alone for a few days, which I now know were agonizing for her, to let me process it.

Only a few days later God showed me grace by allowing me to heal seemingly overnight. I didn't deserve it, my behavior and selfishness were inexcusable, if I were Him, I would have walked away from me! (I guess it's best I stick to not being God ha?) But He is beautiful and loving and wants nothing but the best for me. So He carried me (very quickly) through it.

Then he allowed my sister to show me grace. She was so wonderful and accepting an GRACIOUS of me when I could finally come back to her and seek her forgiveness, tell her I loved her, and that I was happy for her.

I know in her flesh she struggled greatly with this process. That I couldn't be happy for her and I could allow something so exciting for her to sink to me to an all time low, how horrible to be on her end of that. And how unfair.

And yet she showed me grace.

Because of Melissa's grace, it was merely a bump in the road for us.

Amazingly hitting rock bottom was good for me, because then we started moving up!

But as I've been thinking about some of these times (and many others) where I was shown grace, I have to ask myself if I would have been as wonderful on their side of it as they were to me.

I think the answer is probably no. So I guess it's best I was the one dealing with IF huh? :-)

I 100% want that to change. With everything I am I want to please God, I want to shed my pride and I want to show others grace. It's a slow process, but we're working on it, and I think the first step is recognizing how many ways others have served me by showing me grace, when I really just deserved a swift kick in the rear :-).

To those mentioned in this entry, and those not (but know that you're in this category!), THANK YOU. Thank you for putting up with me so graciously through this process. For being my support and praying for me constantly. ESPECIALLY when I didn't deserve it.

I strive to be like you and I know it's God's hope for me to get there! One day I will.

My funny husband.

So lately Joey's been calling me preggo. Which I, like millions of other pregnant woman (or just normal people) hate.

But he doesn't say preggo.

He says prago. Like the sauce?

So today I say to him "uh! I hate that, I'm not prago!" and he goes "come on baby, alls I'm trying to say is you're my special sauce, that's all!"

I laughed so hard I was snorting (I tend to do that) and I couldn't stop. There's something ridiculous about Joey trying to be smooth anyway and he's just such a dope the things he comes up with!

So I guess I'm his special sauce. I think that's a compliment?

18 weeks.

Holy cow. How am I here already? I sure hope the second half of my pregnancy goes as fast as my first half (only cuz that's the half that everyone says is so uncomfortable!)

As of now I'm still up 4lbs. I noticed I haven't been eating as much lately and what I'm eating is very healthy, it seems to be (against my norm) all I'm interested in these days. I had a Dr appt today and my Dr has assured me that the weight will come (I'm sure it will!). And everything looked good at the appt.

Our big u/s is in 2 weeks! We're getting excited for that but mainly cuz I just want to see our baby and know that he/she is okay!

So for my cravings these days (someone asked about it) I am craving anything fresh and cold and juicy. So a LOT of fruit! Also, chocolate milk! I should buy stock in rich chocolate ovaltine ;-)

I'm finally back home with Joey for GOOD! I have a few more weddings this year, but later in the summer, so for now I'm enjoying actually living here!

My sister and mom and my sister's four munchkins are coming out here to visit in a few weeks and I can't wait!! Joey misses the kids a lot, it's been 4 weeks since he's seen them and we never usually go that long, so it'll be nice to have them here!

Don't worry!

I keep getting emails and comments from confused people. I'm sorry if I'm not being clear enough. I have to wait until I give people a chance to sign up a wordpress account before sending out the emails with invites. I have to email people one by one and that's a lot of wasted time and energy if people haven't signed up their accounts.

So NO ONE will be getting an invite until after the 7/4/08 deadline, and even then it could take me all month to get the invites out. I will make a final post on this blog when all the invites have gone out. If you still haven't received one at that point, then you can email me :-)

Thanks!

PLEASE don't re-email me.

If you've already emailed me once to ask for an invite, there's no need to re-email me. Just set up a wordpress account and then wait for an email.

Thanks!

VERY IMPORTANT: here's what I need for you to be invited to my blog

Wordpress is goofy. Those of you who got invites (I was only a little way into the list, so don't worry if you didn't get one) had to be deleted (sorry!) because you were able to make changes to my blog, and I obviously don't want that.

So now I have to re-invite everyone BUT you have to have a wordpress account FIRST. If you don't have a wordpress account with the email you sent me (asking for an invite) you can't have access to my blog.

I'm sorry this is such a hassle, but it's the only way to do it.

READ CAREFULLY:

>Go to wordpress.com
>Click on the big green box that says "sign up now!"
>Create a username (unique to you)
>Create a password
>enter email address (the one you sent me asking for an invite)
>You will get an email asking you to CONFIRM your sign up.

After this I will be able to add you.

Unfortunately I have to set a time limit for you to do this or else it will take eons to get 750 invites out if people haven't created their accounts.

So the deadline is:

July 4th (that's 2 weeks from today)

After that I won't be able to add you (unless you were out of town and have a really good excuse!)

Again I'm sorry but it's really important to me to be able to make my blog private. I want to feel comfortable posting pictures of my baby and family without having the whole world to see it. (this is NOT just about one person...)

Thanks!

New blog

Some of you have been receiving an invite to my new blog. Some of you haven't. You will ALL get an invite! But it will take me a long time to get all of them sent!

If you received one today, I messed up and didn't invite you to my blog, only to wordpress. So bear with me, if you sign up for wordpress, I can THEN invite you to contribute to my blog! But I can only do it if you sign up. Email me if you're confused!

Can't wait!

Apparently I hide behind "my Jesus"

This is from the girl who has been giving me a hard time. I made a post asking her to email me, she said she wouldn't email me, so this is the only way I can communicate with her.

This is what her email says.

Seriously? Seriously! You want me to email you? Jesus christ you are a trip! You hurt tons of people with your behavior under this umbrella of infertility.

I have always been honest with the fact that I know I've hurt people. I don't think this is ok, not in the least. I didn't WANT to hurt people, absolutely not. I have asked many people for forgiveness, and probably have more so to come. But are you in my personal life? Do you know personally the people I've hurt? How would you be so privileged to this information?


You were hurting so it was ok to hurt everyone else.

This is not true. Yes I hurt people, but again I didn't believe it was ok, but I struggled a lot with taking care of myself while not hurting those I love.

And then you would go to the Nest and get all the reassurance you needed about your bad behavior from people who were trying to justify their bad behavior as well. The hypocrasy of your blog is laughable.

So you're following me everywhere? Clearly you're not dealing with infertility, you told me you had children easily, so why are you so concerned with what an infertile woman's journey is? And yes there were times I needed support from people who knew what I was dealing with. The nest has/had served a great purpose for me in this way. As did a few friends in real life who were dealing with infertility as well.

Everything you post there is censored. The rest of the internet knows your dark side.

I'm pretty sure aside from the nest and here I don't spend much time on the "rest of the Internet". And is there an I hate maydaygirl club? I would assume there is or this "rest of the Internet world" wouldn't really exists.

Do I censor? Of course! When my best friend found out she was pregnant and I was aching inside and it took me months to get around to being normal with her, I didn't blog about that, as I knew it would hurt her. We dealt with that privately, together. And yet I've been very honest about how much it hurts to see others close to me get pregnant so easily.

So in a way of course I censor, but I'm honest about my shortcomings (and I have many) in hopes that others will see the effect infertility has on a person, and also so I can look back through this time and see how far I've come. I never claimed to be completely and 100% open. I try, but I also have to be careful, as you yourself said, I could hurt people that way. (So really do you want me to be completely uncensored? Or do you want me to not hurt people?)

The side that hides behind your Jesus and the Amazing technicolor dream "coat".

Not sure it's a bad thing to be behind Jesus and ..... Joseph's amazing technicolor dream coat? Not sure what that has to do with anything....They're not even in the same testament.

Now, everything that I have said I'm willing to do it publicly. For the whole world to see. You have chosen to translate to the world only the parts you want other people to know about in a light that makes you look good. I'm not going to email you so that you can translate and skew it to serve your purpose.

I said that your were hurtful and offensive and instead of owning up to it you villanized me. What does that say about you?

I don't know who you are. I've shared who I am publicly for the whole world to see, but you're a coward and won't fess up to who you are (why are you hiding?). You have no profile, email or blog... so who are you really professing publicly to be?

This is my blog, I have the right to write what I want and if you've been so hurt, then you needed to stop reading, like yesterday, OR you needed to email me and have an adult conversation about it with me. I would never intend to hurt anyone (IRL or on my blog), and if I did, I would want to do something about it.

You come on here and say nasty things to and about me (and amazingly this seems to be lighter than some others) and I chose to claim "someone" was being rude to me and that makes you a villain? No one even knows who you are!

And maybe you are a villain. Maybe you're not. I wouldn't really know.

I wanted to email with you because I assumed you're a decent person. I believe everyone is a good person at the core, and I thought if we could speak personally I could find out what exactly I'd done to hurt you so much. And if we could work to get passed this.

But you refused. What does that say about you?

****************************

I need you to know that while getting a comment like this is hard and frustrating and sometimes scary. I will not be brought down by this. I've asked God to truly show me if the things you've written are in anyway true. I've asked Him to search my heart. So we're dealing with that.

And while I would like to never deal with you again, it's my hope that you will somehow see some kind of light through my blog. I assume you don't know God by the way you write, but it's my greatest hope you do someday.

Jesus told us to love our enemy's. So I have been praying for you. My mom prays for you, and pretty soon my grandma might even be praying for you. And when that happens, you're in for it... she's a powerful prayer. (Seriously she is.. but I'm just teasing)

I do not hate you, I do not wish harm on you, I DO wish to know your story. You told me you've dealt with many hard things in life. I can say aside from some very close deaths in my life and this, I've had a completely blessed life, I don't claim to have seen it all. And my heart goes out to those who have.

A story I'm sure you don't want to read.

But I have to blog about it anyway.

My mom has a dog named Sophie. She's about 5 months old and still working on house training (though mostly has it down). Well my mom and dad were out of town all week and I've been at their house (in MINNESOTA ... weddings) so I've been watching her.

Well last night I was at my SIL's and Sophie escaped from her kennel and ate all their dog's food (a husky! so big food). I didn't realize this until later however.

So I bring Sophie home, give her breakfast and start working in the basement where my computer is. I kept smelling terrible gas but I couldn't do anything about as she had to be in the basement with me.

Finally about an hour later I got up and saw in the corner she had pooped in two different places and it was not a good site. So I started cleaning because my mom was on her way home and of course I didn't want her to come home to this.

Well the next thing I know I'm THROWING UP on my mom's carpet! Great, more mess! I tried it again, more throwing up.

So I call my sister half laughing half crying half laughing cuz I don't know what to do! She gives me some instruction (she has some experience with poop and being pregnant) and I try it again. More throw up.

Finally I give up and call my mom sobbing because I feel so bad I can't clean it up and I've puked on her carpet. She's on her way home and she was so sweet, told me to go outside and get some fresh air.

Well after about 10 minutes I had to go back down and clean up my puke, she shouldn't have to clean her grown daughters puke. While I was down there the smell was so bad I got sick again on the way up the stairs (the very LOOOOONG stairs). And I started gagging but I didn't want to puke on her carpet, so I just looked to the ceiling while I dashed.

Sure enough, I threw up in my mouth.

I've NEVER had anything that disgusting happen to me. And hopefully I never will again. But with kids on the way, I suppose that's doubtful.

So that's the story you probably shouldn't have read.

17 weeks!

Oh my gosh where is the time going? Well this week the line that showed up at 7w is now extending passed my belly button and it headed up to my bra! It just showed up yesterday! Crazy....

Also I am thoroughly enjoying feeling this baby move and I can't believe our big u/s is only 3 weeks away! That feels so soon! I have an ob appt at the new clinic (that I saw at 14w) on Tuesday so that's exciting and then the big u/s is just two weeks after that!

I have decided if have a girl she will be my little best friend, we'll go everywhere together and do everything together (like my niece Ella). But if I have a boy, I'm in trouble. My heart has already been stolen 6 times by my beautiful nephews and as I was holding my beautiful Triggy on Sunday in church (4.5 months old) I was in awe of how a little tiny boy could have me so wrapped around his heart... and that times 6!

I cannot wait to know if we're having a little boy or girl, either would be fantastic and I am just excited to know!

On the name front, we're still working on a list of names but honestly I don't see us "settling" on one anytime soon. I could see us going to the hospital with a list of names. But who knows! We like the ones we have (and no I'm not sharing! sorry!)

At 15 weeks I said I'd gained 6 lbs but I'm pretty much back to 4lbs. That was after a week of traveling and moving which meant lots of fast food. I can't believe that's all I've gained when I look so big! But slowly but surely I'm sure I'll gain more!

These are NOT stretch marks. just sleep marks :-) I had just woken up.

Active baby!

Last night I was laying in bed and the baby was everywhere! I felt like I had little jelly beans inside me. So after enjoying feeling it for a while I decided to pull out the Doppler and have a listen. If you've ever used a Doppler you probably know when the baby moves there's a loud whooshing sound (it's kind of scratchy almost). Well after I found the heartbeat I could barely hear it over all the wooshing! So much movement!

I had to call Joey (I think I woke him up!) and I said "your baby is very active tonight"! He listened for a long time and I could hear him smiling over the phone. He was glad to hear it! It's amazing feeling the baby move inside me literally over night! I hardly remember what it feels like to feel nothing! But I then realized I will have (by the Grace of God) 23 more weeks of this constant movement and I have decided I really have it in for me! haha....

It was beautiful. I will remember last night forever.

Thank you LORD for this beautiful creation inside of me. he/she is YOURS, a gift from you for us to have while we're here on earth. Help us to always remember we are temporary guardians and no matter what happens you will always protect all of us.

No free babies for us.

So we moved to a state with Mandated infertility coverage. So we had VERY high hopes that we would have IVF covered for us next time. Which would be amazing!

Well what we didn't remember was that Joey is working at a Catholic hospital that OF COURSE wouldn't cover IVF.

We both feel a little crushed. We spent $42,000 trying to have a baby the first time. So we literally have nothing. No savings, no home to build equity in and no plans to have money saved in the next few years. Really until Joey finishes residency we'll be living pay check to pay check.

I know we're pregnant right now and TRUST ME, we're completely enjoying this and cannot wait to meet our baby! But we want 4 (or more!) kids and we didn't want to have them 5 years apart.

We're both afraid to risk doing IVF out of pocket again with such low fertilization rates (got 20 eggs, 4 fertlized, 2 embies made it). And we def don't think we would qualify for shared risk again (almost didn't last time!). And so we could adopt, but that's just as expensive.

Anyways... these are things I hoped we wouldn't have to think about for a long time, but you can't help it when you get bad news. We're reminded of what it took to get us here and what it might take to get us here again....