Update.

So the nurse called and my E2 is at 1270 so they're having me hold menopur tomorrow am (WOO HOO!!) and decrease my follistim from 100 to 75 (started at 150) and I have to go the U/S tomorrow instead of Sunday. So I just hope that everything moves up a bit cuz as of today none of the follicles were big enough, so I hope that they get bigger! But it's all in God's hands and I can't do anything about it so I'm just praying I stay calm and patient!

Also Charlie's surgery is done and everything went well, he'll be at the vet till 3:30 and the Dr said his hip was the worst one he's ever seen! Poor puppers.. I hope he's feeling better soon!

Prayer for a healed heart.

So my family used to live in Oklahoma. I never lived there because my mom was 7 months pregnant with me when they moved back to MN, but they still had friends there that we would visit through our childhood.

Well recently one of those friends (who's my sister's age) came into contact with my blog and has been emailing me encouragement ever since!

This is what I got from her today:

"Tell Joey I'm praying for him, too. Even though it's not his body that's is getting poked he needs the strength and wisdom to be the kind of support that you need. That's what I'm praying for. And for you? Well, aside from the obvious, my prayer for you is that you allow your Savior to heal your heart. To restore the pieces that have been torn away by anger, hurt and disappointment. So that your heart is complete to love this baby you've longed for."

Isn't that beautiful? It's exactly what I need prayer for....more than for a baby. I do want my heart to be healed. I so desire to be the friend that can be happy for her pg friends, or TTC friends. I no longer want to be self focused and sad. I WANT to be me again, but a new me as God's brought me so far! I want to be the Rachel that's heart can freely give again, to ALL those around me :-)

Thank you Amy, and your bible study! :-)

16 follies!!!

I had another U/S this morning and I have 16 follicles. They're growing beautiful, though not ready yet to come out. I have another U/S on Sunday and then hopefully I'll trigger Sunday night and have the ER on Tuesday!!

Also since it's leap year I had to share a cute leap year story. The last time we had leap year was 4 years ago. Well that was just a few weeks before Joey and I got married. And if you know Joey you not he's not overly emotional or sentimental. But apparently he had been counting the days before our wedding came (which I wasn't even doing!). And when he realized it was leap year he was so disappointed to have to add another day to the wait! :-)

Well I had completely forgotten about that and this morning he called me to remind me that 4 years ago and our last leap year, he was counting the days to our wedding.

Sometimes he surprises me!

Oh yes and Chuck is having his surgery today!! So we sort of start all over from the car incident!! But he'll be all better when it's over!

Dreamt about 'A' and the baby last night.

I woke up at 6:30am to the WORST pain from menopur I've ever had, it just hurt like crap today.

Then I went back to sleep and in that time dreamed about 'A' and the baby. I saw them both so vividly (mind you I've never even seen a picture of them) and 'A' had decided to place the baby with us. She signed the papers and handed her to us. We hugged and cried and hugged and cried, then I watched her walk away. And my heart was broken. So broken.

Then I turned and saw the baby, the beauty baby, my beautiful baby. My little brother (Who's 22 and not so little) was playing with her and cooing with her and she was gorgeous.. just gorgeous.

But I was so sad for 'A'. I wanted to adopt her too (in real life! not just in the dream!) But obviously she doesn't need that.

Then I woke up. And now I'm sad. I'm dealing with the adoption hard today. It's hard because my dream gave me a baby and it wasn't even joyful. No matter how the situation turned out, there would be loss. HARD loss. And that's what's so hard about adoption. I know it can be beautiful and I know that people can become great friends, but there is devastating loss no matter how it turns out.

And I can't in my heart truly say I wished it would have worked in our favor, because of how 'A' would have felt. Even though I wish I could be that baby's mommy, I wouldn't want to talk her from 'A'.

When will there be a baby for me?

28 needles and a vag cam.. that sums up my day!

Yes you read that right, between my 4 at home pokes, my blood raw at the clinic and my acupuncture today I had 28 needles in my body today. I'm feeling a bit holy (totally lame but couldn't resist the pun).

Oh and then the vag cam, which is a totally different kind of poke!

I'm on day 6 of stims and today I had 6 follies, 3 on each side all measuring 10. I had 15 smaller ones that I hope will turn into bigger ones by Friday or Saturday! But all in all it's going pretty well!

So that's that!

Yucky yucky, yucky all over.

Okay I don't want to sit and complain about IVF, but if I don't a wee bit, I will look back and think it was easy! And we CAN'T have that! lol

So here it is.

I have about 30 holes in my tummy, MANY bruises, I made myself bleed TWICE tonight, I yawn ALL DAY LONG, I could sleep about 20 hours out of the day, I am continually plagued with a headache, I am way too bloated and when I sit my pants hurt my tummy cuz it's so sore from all the pokes. Even my loosest pants!

So that's that. I'm on Day 3 of my stims and I still have at least 5 days to go, but hopefully no more! I had b/w done today to test my estrodial and the 2 minute blood draw took me over an hour as they apparently were missing their phlebtomist and at one point they had over 29 people in the waiting room!!! (On a Sunday!) But thankfully everything is going well and I can continue on the same does, so that's good!

If everything goes smoothly, it will all be worth it in the end! Right?

Dog for sale: Sold AS IS.

Just kidding. We were teasing about how much money this dog (that we love SO MUCH) is costing us... and said maybe we should try to sell him and mark him "As Is" since he's broken!

But all kidding aside we're feeling better about the surgery and actually found a vet (a good one!) that's in a smaller town (our home town actually) that will cost about 1/2... so that's good!

Puppy update... :-(

So we took Charlie to the vet today because we found he was getting an infection between his toes. And found out his hip came out of place and he has to have surgery next week. He doesn't seem to be in much pain but our pocket books are! :-( I need it to be summer so I can start making some money again! lol....

So that's the update. Could I have any more posts in one day?

Stims started today!

This morning in addition to Lupron I also got a bit ole needle filled with menopur! It's not that the needle is so huge, it's that it's filled with SO MUCH LIQUID!! It took like a minute for Joey to get it all in!!! And tonight we start follistim... so hopefully we don't forget :-P But just in case my alarm on my phone is set for the whole week!

But we're off and running!

My poor pup :-(

So here's some pictures of Charlie since his accident. He's doing much better!

All his bandages and bruises!

So tired from the drugs!

And maybe enjoying the laziness a bit too?

Poor doggie, we have to muzzle him when we're gone so he doesn't rip off the bandages! He already ripped out his stitches!

So that's it... Charlie in all his Not-so-much-glory! :-)

So much to look forward too!!!

Okay so in two weeks I'll be having my ER/ET... so that's exciting. Then on March 14th it's my birthday, and on March 15th my brother is throwing a big birthday bash for me to celebrate my 25th (isn't he wonderful!?) and the on the 20th it's our 4 year anniversary AND match day so we find out where Joey'll be working and if we'll be moving. Then we'll be putting our house on the market because even if we stay in the area we want to move... SO WOO HOOO!!! so much excitement to be looking forward to :-)

So THAT'S why I'm so tired!

Lately I've have been sleeping a ridiculous amount. Taking naps and sleeping in, going to be early, fighting to stay awake etc. I honestly thought it was from all the adoption stuff (which would make sense right?) Today I finally posted about it on the nest and apparently it's a side effect of the lupron! I had no idea!

But it makes me feel better and less lazy!

A letter from 'A's mom.

So... a few days ago my sister wrote a letter to 'A's baby on her blog (click here) And I decided to email it to 'A'. I hadn't heard from her but today I got an email from her mom. I just wanted to share as it's a beautiful letter.

Rachel,

Hi it's 'D' writing to you this time. I was thinking about you guys tonight and I signed on to A's account to get your email address to write you, and I saw the blog your sister wrote. It was very touching. Thank you so much for sending it.

'A' is asleep right now and hasn't seen it yet. I would just like to apologize again for the heartache that you and your family are going through. Although Sydney is a sweet girl, I still cry every day over the loss of my own daughter's childhood, and wish to God things were different. It tears me up inside so much to know the hardships she has to face now that she has decided to keep the baby. I only hope that she has the strength and courage to continue to pursue her dreams.

'A' is still such a little girl herself that I worry that the uphill battle she has in front of her will become more than she had imagined. She is very good with Sydney, much better than I would have imagined, and we have some of the most wonderful friends that are helping 'A' with the baby. It is so ironic the things I feel these days. If Sydney had gone to you guys, I would have had that grief to deal with, and now that she has stayed, I still feel like I have this grief of the loss of 'A's childhood, either way I lost a baby. Does that make any sense?

I had debated with 'A' for weeks before she gave birth to tell her father, because I felt that out of respect, he should know about the pregnancy. Now I wish I had never told him. I truly feel his comments opened up so many emotions for 'A' that she didn't know what to do. I do know that she truly wants the best for Sydney, and that everything she had said to you last Wednesday was the truth, I just think that her love for the baby and her desire to do what was in the best interest of the baby collided.

She knows that you and Joey would have been amazing parents, better than either of us could have hoped for, and I truly believe that through the years you two would have become very good friends with 'A'. I hope that she chooses to contact you, because I would love to know how you are doing as well. Although we have never met, I will always feel a bond to you and your family. We have been through alot for a bunch of strangers! Please take care, and know that 'A' and I still think of you daily.

D

Wow 356!

That's crazy, when I put in 300-400 as an option on the poll I laughed to myself thinking it could never be done! I'm amazed :-). I guess more people than I realized are reading.

I supressed!!

Phew! I had my u/s and b/w today and my ovaries and lining look good to go. So I start my ovary stimulations on Friday and then I have 3-4 appts next week and hopefully the egg retrieval the week after!

an unexpected gift of love....

So there's this girl who hired me to film her wedding back in Sept. I felt an instant connection with her right away as she is a truly delightful person. I absolutely enjoyed her wedding and adored her hubby (who was like the sweetest groom ever!) and a few weeks before their wedding she somehow found my blog.

Since then she has been reading my blog and emailing me offering me nothing but constant support.

Today I received a $100 gift cert from her for a spa!! Isn't that amazing? I asked if she'd take it back but she refused :-)

It's incredible some of the new and amazing friends I have made through this journey and I cherish everyone of them!

THANK YOU MEGAN!!!

My dog was hit by a car :-(

My dog was staying with some family members and he ran away from them (VERY UNLIKE him) and was hit on a highway and we got a call from some guy this morning that he had him. My family got him and took him to the vet where we went and met them. He has a dislocated hip and a big cut but he should be okay :-(

Poor doggie, he's there right now and we have to wait a few hours to go get him, we feel so sad for him and of course this is just more misery to the weekend, but we're just praising God he's okay, I don't know what we would have done if we'd lost him.

Leaving town for the weekend.

I cried more last night and this morning than I knew was possible. And I'm praying it's done for the day. I showered, got dressed up, put jewelry on, painted my toenails and feel great about myself today.
We are going to spend the day together and stay in a BEAUTIFUL bed and breakfast tonight and tomorrow, and pamper ourselves.

I am hoping this weekend can be about us, and not what we lost. I need no reminders, so we'll most likely turn our phones off and won't be bringing a computer.

In case you're feeling a lack of details, here they are. It's really quite simple. 'A' can't go through with it. She cannot lose her daughter. And her mom has come to the conclusion that even if she got the courage to sign, she'd regret it a moment later. So it's over.

As angry and upset as I feel for us, I also feel very happy for 'A'. Happy that she can just move on with her life and start loving her daughter without question or judgement. That she can know they will be together forever. But I also am sad for what their lives might become.

Raising a daughter at 16 will NOT be easy. And I pray that 'A' becomes the kind of mom that puts her daughter first. I hope she NEVER forgets that her
daughter could have had a better life ('A's words.. not ours), so she chooses to never give her less than her best as a mom.

I know you will continue to pray for 'A', and thank you for that. I have to admit I'm very sad for losing them. I have felt such love for her, her mother, and of course the baby. And I am sad that they won't become part of our family. I think when we get back we will write a letter to 'A' and send her some things. Maybe some of the things we had bought for her,
maybe some of the things I bought for us (and our "daughter") or maybe some other things all together.

I hope she can see that even though we are wounded, we truly care for her.

Please know I think we will be okay this weekend. We are postponing the grieving and hopefully it will make it easier when we return to it, to have removed ourself from our house and sweats and bed, to get out of the house and spend some selfish time.

Thank you for everything.

My God... I am YOURS

I left for like two seconds and I faced an attack... clearly not a wise decision on my part. I wasn't really gone you know, I just feel so angry and I don't know where to place it. I feel like I have experienced a death and I don't know how to deal with it. And who is responsible?

I will NOT let Satan defeat me and unless I am under your protection at all times, there's no garuntee...

So I am yours. I'm sorry I said I needed a break, I DO continue to praise you because you are beautiful and wonderful and you will ALWAYS be faithful to me.

How dare you.

I don't know who this "random knottie" is, but this is the meanest thing anyone has ever said to me:

"I think it is about time you move on and stop entertaining the idea of this adoption ever working. It was kinda stupid to even talk to the person that screwed you over so badly in the first place. She probably just wanted more money from you.

I'm sure you'll delete this comment or not let it post, but it needed to be said. The hysteria over this all is just plain annoying.

I really do hope your IVF works and you grow up a lot in the process. "

You don't know me, and you don't know 'A'. She hasn't gotten ANY money, from either us or the agency, NONE of this had to do with money and I think you should figure out who YOU are before you start judging others.