Christmas time!!

Well we've been at my parents house for the last few days having several christmas celebrations already and with two more to go! Here's a few pics :-)

My bro and his baby :-)

Our Mary, Joseph and the Wise man.

Nana Barb and her babes....

My sister and I :-) Do you think we look alike? We don't but we hear it alot...

SOOO FUNNY!!! It's business time.

OH MY GOSH.. this is the funniest :-)

The meds are here!

Well here they are! And sadly I'm still missing two things!!

And just a sampling of the millions of needles we now own! :-0 My poor bum and stomache!

Our 2007 Christmas card

Just thought I'd share our letter and pic from this year!

Dear friends and family,

As many of you know, Joey and I have had quite the hand dealt to us this year. And as I was trying to figure out how to recap the year, I realized I just needed to lay it out… the good, the bad and the ugly. So you may laugh when you see our picture, but that’s okay! It was meant to correspond with the letter and our theme for wrapping up this year: the good, the bad and the ugly!

Where to begin? Well we began the year living with Joey’s dad up in Cambridge and moved back to our house in early May. We spent some time redoing our kitchen and bathroom and settled back in nicely to our place. It is good to be home. J

In January I spent a week with my sister in Hawaii celebrating a friends wedding, which was amazing! And then had the opportunity to travel to Germany for a week with some college girlfriends, which was also a fabulous experience!

Joey wrapped up the hockey season and started rotating again in the cities and is now just 4 ½ months from graduating from Medical school! We’ll be spending the entire month of January traveling around the United States (in the car) while he interviews at different residency programs. We find out on our 4^th anniversary (March 20^th) where he’ll be placed and whether we’ll be moving or staying!

You might also have noticed that our dog Charlie is a repeat offender in joining us in the Christmas card. I figure we did it once, why not again? He’s doing well. He continues to be oddly scared of everything in his path, including his newfound anxiety surrounding his food dish. But nevertheless he sends you his loveJ.

Now onto the bad....many of you know that after dealing with infertility for 2 years and working with a specialist, Joey and I had decided to pursue adoption. We could not have felt better about it and began preparing for a new baby to come into our home.

Sadly just 4 months after making our decision, we got the news that our agency was committing fraud and lost its license. Our hearts were broken. Just when we thought things were starting to look up, they crumbled all around us. But as from the start of this process, we continue to know how faithful our God is and we believe He is taking care of us through all of this.

Please keep us in your prayers as we work through this. God has taught us SO MUCH MORE than we could ever have imagined through this hardship, and we wouldn’t change that for anything. But it’s been a long road and we’re ready to be done. And we’re praying that will be soon.

We have received an unending amount of support from our families and friends during this time and we couldn’t praise God enough for that. And we thank God for all of you which he has placed in our lives through different seasons! We pray that God would bless you and your family during this season where we remember the birth of our Savior.

With love,

Rachel & Joey

Back from RE with free DRUGS!!!

So our appts went really well... a bit overwhelming but we're prepared for it! My saline sono and trial transfer were uncomfortable as those things always are for me and I was pretty uncomfortable for the next hour but it passed.

But the wonderful news is our nurse walked in and handed us $600 worth of free Follistim!!!!! And said "merry Christmas!" I couldn't believe it.. how wonderful! That brings the cost of our meds down to about $1300 instead of $2000!! So that was good!

Also we learned we're approved for the shared risk program and instead of 70% of a refund it's now 100%!!! So holy cow huh?

Well so that was that.... very exciting gotta get these drugs ordered! :-)

I am a very imperfect person.

I've never claimed to anything other.

I thought this worth noting.

Getting on the radio....

So I'm beginning to work with this Local Christian radio station to see if they'll help me somehow begin to form a Christian community through infertility. I'd like to start arranging for small groups to meet throughout the twin cities area and I need a bigger data base to start with than those I know! (since that would include... um... 1 infertile).

So I am aware this could prove to be a ginormous task, but I'm a very organized person and I love spreadsheets like it's nobodies business so I'm hoping that things will just fall into place. I definitely need to do some more praying about it before things really take off, but I felt the prompting just last week and already with a few emails know that this station is willing to help.

So any prayers in this dept would be amazing, I will need all the support from up above I can get!

Also I'm sure I'll update later as we have several IVF appointments today!

Reason 1,000,012 why I love my husband.

Just a few moments ago I was sitting at my desk typing an email and listening to worship music just about as loud as my computer would go. As I was crying quietly and typing I found myself crying louder and louder and finally I just buried my head into my hands at my desk and just wept.

About a second later I felt a gentle and concerned hand on my shoulder (if you can discern emotion from a hand...) I looked up and saw my sweet husband who had run up as soon as he thought he heard me crying.

I hadn't realized I was crying loud enough to be heard from downstairs over the music, but I just love the fact that he came running....because he knew I needed him.

God knew I needed this man in my life. For so many reasons.

Today.. I hate my life.

I will start this post by stating this is MY blog. If you come here and don't like what I have to say, that's just fine, you can leave. This is MY blog and this is how I feel. Not every day, but today.. this is how I feel.

Today is a horrible day. Today is a day where I hate this thing I'm being forced to drudge through called life. I hate that God decided to spread out an infertile here and there amongst so many fertiles. I don't understand why we can't just all be clumped together? I would seem like it would make it easier.

I hate that I am married to the most amazing man in the world, we have the best marriage (biased I'm sure) and we have a wonderful life and yet the ONE thing we want more than anything doesn't get to come to us. We've tried and we've tried and it doesn't happen... but it gets to happen for everyone else.

I hate that this is the time of year when everyone is happy and jolly and their little wonderful homes are filled with little wonderful feet.. and ours... is empty, for the third Christmas in a row. I don't even have Christmas music on. I haven't even wrapped my presents. They're just sitting under the tree not wrapped. How sad.

I hate that in order to have the wonderful time as a mommy I so badly want to have, I have to kidnap (not really, don't call the cops) my niece or nephews and pretend for a night. Don't get me wrong, I'm grateful I have that.. but I hate having to give them back.

I hate that this is my life. I hate that we are not fertile.

As I was relaying this message to God, I'm sure He was nodding along, He understands how crappy this is.. He gets is. and He feels for us. But I still struggle... because He could make it stop.

But I know... I know that my faith is strong and I have a God who is more powerful than anything to lean on in this time... and so because of that I would prefer that I have to go through this than someone that doesn't know the LORD. Because what would they have to lean on? Nothing... and that would be worse.

But still, I'm feeling rather angry and selfish today, so I asked God, I begged God, to let us be done. To let us be done with this charade of insanity... this thing that is costing us so much heartache and so much FRICKEN money.. this thing that is the worst possible thing I have ever had to go through... This CRAP called infertility.

Please Lord, let it be done. I don't know how much else I can bare.

Got the flu in Milwaukee :-(

We came to WI for joey's interview for residency and this morning I woke up with the flu... I proceeded to puke all day and night and FINALLY started to be able to eat some crackers tonight.

We were suppose to leave today at 2 but bc I was so sick and was never going to make the noon checkout let alone a six hour drive, we had to stay another night :-(

Plus my cousins/aunts are having a Christmas brunch tomorrow and I can't go!! :-(

And ode to infertility

This is a poem I wrote about our IVF....

************************************
Yes we’re infertile, it’s sad and it’s true
But of course there’s really nothing we can do.

We tried and we tried
And still have no baby inside.

But we’re hoping and praying if we spend 20 G’s
We’ll buy one baby and get one for free.

How you might ask
Will we accomplish this task?

Well instead of romance and candles and woos
A bit giant needle will be stuck in my yahoo.

His sperm and my egg will mix in a dish
And maybe just maybe will get our wish

If not than maybe my sister will assist
Since clearly her body was made for this.

Or maybe my mom who’s tired and old
But the minute we’d ask her we know she’d be sold.

But for now we’ll try what we must to get by
And pray that the lord blesses us the first try.

*****************************
ps no offense mom! :-) hee hee....

Dr. Phil and I are NOT friends anymore!

It's not like I've ever been a huge Dr. Phil fan... his accent and the way he speaks just makes him sound less creditable... but I've never had any reason to dislike him!

Well today he did a show on "desperate to become a mother" and it showcased 3 different couples:

Couple a: he had kids and they planned on no kids and now she's baby crazy and wants to change his mine.

Couple b: they're trying and he doesn't want to go in debt but it's their only way and it's tearing them apart.

Couple c: they're going through their 5th IVF... hoping it'll work.

Okay, so we mostly identify with couple c as we're completely in this together and clearly willing to go into debt to have a baby.

Anyways couple a would have to have a reverse vasectomy in order to even get pg (and he's 48!!!). And apparently 15 years ago Dr. Phil had one himself. And this was his quote:

"they told me I'd have a 50% chance of being fertile within a year and a half! 6 weeks later we were pregnant..... my boys got the job done!" (all cocky like as I'm sure you can imagine.)

I could not feel anymore abused by this statement. What does this mean? Does it mean that my husband can't get the job done? That my husband isn't as manly as Dr. Phil because we aren't pregnant? What does this mean for us?!?!

Now I know Dr. Phil didn't look into the screen and say to ME personally "I'm trying to hurt you by making this statement" But for crying out loud there were infertile couples on the show!!!! How much less sensitive could he be?!?!

So this is my statement. If you are NOT infertile... and your husband EVER boasts about his sperm... PLEASE, I beg you, PLEASE in private encourage him to think about those that might be around him dealing with MF and how it might make them feel (and you never know who's dealing with it unless they're a crazy blogger like me!).

It's crushing and hurtful and just plain stupid. No one did anything to deserve to be fertile or deserve to be infertile. So it's so hurtful when people act like they did anything right, because that would negate that my husband is doing wrong!

So that's what I would say to Dr. Phil if I had a chance. If he's running a show on infertility he better get some more sensitivity!

ps. this is not in any way a means to speak to anyone in our lives... it's truly just a general statement! :-) so no emails saying "was this me?" hee hee. cuz it wasn't! :-)

Found an OB!

So it's that time of year to have my lady check done and in the past I used a midwife up in Cambridge. Well being that I hope to get pregnant in the next few months I figured it was time to find someone where I would actually deliver. And with a 50% chance of having twins.. I couldn't use a midwife.

So I did some research and picked a lady with no references attached. I made an appt for the end of this month and was hoping I'd like her!

Well we had friends over from church last night and she's due in feb (after 14 months of trying!). We got on the subject of her clinic which is the same one I made the appt at and I asked who her dr was... it's the same one I just made an appt with!!! She LOVES her so I'm so thrilled!!! :-) So that's my fun news today!

Also on a side note: when I was scheduling the appt the lady said "so you want to schedule a pap smear?" and I said "Well..... (chuckle chuckle) want is a strong word!" she laughed so I was happy :-)

The plus sides of having MFI.

Okay, before we did our IUI we were diagnosed with unexplained infertility. And honestly, I HATED it! I hated that there was no concrete reason we weren't getting pregnant because it made knowing which route of treatment to go a lot more vague... But the day I got the call about Joey's sperm, I felt complete and utter relief. There was a reason we weren't pregnant yet and we knew exactly what we'd have to do to get there. Many feel frustrated that IVF is there only option. I guess in many ways I feel relief.

I felt like I was freed from the prison I was in which entailed getting my hopes up every month that it would be the month, only to be devastated when AF came... Or thinking I'd be right behind someone each time they'd get pregnant. And even though it sucks that I probably won't get pregnant any months (without help) or that I'm certainly NOT right behind those who've gotten pg (and now have gone on to have their babies). But at least I can stop hoping.

And don't get me wrong, I haven't lost hope at all! In fact I think I have more hope. Because I know what the problem is, we know how to deal with it and hopefully we'll get pregnant. It's really become that simple.

Before the MFI diagnosis it was misery every month.. and the threatened loss of hope every month. Whereas now I feel we can go on living our lives assuming we won't get pregnant and knowing that IVF will give us a great chance of success.

Does it suck it's taken us this long to get here? Absolutely. Do I wish we weren't infertile? Of course. Is it completely unfair we have to spend $25k to get pregnant when most people do it for free? Sure.

But that's not the point. I have a great sense of freedom that I don't have to get my hopes up every month, because we know it's probably not worth it.

And for that, I am grateful we found out we have MFI. Because I feel like we can continue living ours lives, and being infertile is just apart of who we are, like air.

The conversation between my egg & his sperm

I often wonder how many times Joey's poor sperm went whizzing by my eggs (remember high count, fast swimmers!) and said "good day miss! have a jolly afternoon!" and my beautiful egg was thinking "those bloomin idiots! Don't they know one is suppose to stop, say hi and stick around for a while?!

If only they knew better!

When did secret santa become mandatory??

So at work today I see a slip of paper in my box saying I am so and so's secret santa. I have to bring a $15 gift by such and such date.

WHAT? I never agreed to this! Don't get me wrong, I love to buy gifts, but this year we cut out buying gifts for each other, our siblings, our friends, cousins (usually in a drawing)... so to now have to buy a gift for someone I met like 15 minutes ago really bothers me! Before assigning me a person I feel I should have been asked. I have MANY more people I would rather buy a gift for...

And since only 12 people work there, I feel silly bringing anything up and it's only $15, but still! That's not the point. I just am annoyed at this! It seems silly and I feel I should have been asked first!

Also today I informed my boss (more than 2 months in advance) that I would need a week off in february for a medical procedure that wouldn't be scheduled until the week before (work schedule is done 3 weeks in advance) and since I needed 2-3 days to recoup, I would just need the whole week off but was willing to work the weekends.

He seemed annoyed! I work 15 hours a week and it's a medical procedure!!! For goodness sakes! I explained it came up since I got the job otherwise I would have told him before... but seriously?

Anyways, I LOVE my new job, don't get me wrong, but these two things today really irked me!

IVF is starting!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Holy molys.. I just called and got TONS of appointments set up!!! :-)

I have my saline sono, trial transfer and our RE consult all in 2 1/2 weeks!!!! Joey also has some testing and I have to go in for day 3 b/w in Dec.

Then in January we start the BCP's and another drug, then 2/5 I start stims and we'll have the egg retrieval (ER) the week of 2/18!!!!!!!

I just can't believe it! It's actually happening!!! So stay tuned.. I'm sure I'll have tons to write about!

Oh and VERY exciting news.. my SIL (the red head below) got engaged last night!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

More pics...

These pictures are of my OTHER beautiful SIL (joey's twin sister) and her new hubby since October!

More of the photography stuff :-)

Why not share more? I had so much fun this weekend taking pictures of my beautiful SIL (joey's older sister) and her soon to be fiance! (can't wait!) So I of course had to share some of my favorite pics :-) There are of course only 200 more!

IVF here we come!

Yes you read that right... we have decided to move onto IVF. And we're very excited! It's funny how you can change your mind about things! We never wanted to do IVF before adoption... but now things are different. :-/

We are planning on doing the shared risk plan (pray we qualify!) so we'll get 3 fresh tries and 3 FETs.... so it seems like a great option.. and if you don't have a live birth after 3 you get 70% of your money back! So we're really at peace about all of this!

When church goes wrong...

Today was a really hard day. First we went to my sisters church to watch our beautiful 1 1/2 year old nephew get dedicated. Things like this are always somewhat hard for me because had we gotten pregnant on our first cycle (which I actually thought I was ...2 weeks late... long story), our child would be one month older than our nephew. So monumental occasions like this sting my heart. And as much as we LOVE (and I mean LOVE) our nephew, it's just hard to know what could have been for us and how far we are from having that.

Then because it's adoption awareness month (nice month to have our adoption fall through ha?) there were families sharing their beautiful adoption stories. I lost it.. during the prayer I got up and left and didn't return. Joey found me sobbing in a corner where he held me until the service was over. Then my family came to find us and I began sobbing... once again.

Adoption is a beautiful thing? Sure... sometimes. And sometimes it's not. We have unfortunately seen the ugly side of adoption... the side where people are dishonest and are willing to hurt trusting people like us... the part where you lose money and have no child to call your own, and have to start over.

So to us, we have lost our naivety about adoption. It doesn't seem beautiful to us anymore. And for that our hearts hurt.

My sister (and whole family for that matter) was wonderful. She convinced me to come back to her house to celebrate with the rest of the family and it turned into a wonderful afternoon. But my heart still aches. We have lost the sense of naivety in ALL of this baby making stuff.

ps

just because it's one of those days...

My heart is still aching.

What do I do with all this baby stuff? We have been preparing to bring a baby in our home and it shows... and now I can't bear to look at all of this stuff.... I know we should take everything down and box it up for our own sanity.. but I'm not sure I can bear to put everything away. It feels like we've experienced a death and yet I have nothing to hold onto. I never had a pregnancy, I never had a match... we had nothing. Just the hope that a baby was going to come into our home. And now that hope is dead.

I feel so cheated and ripped off... like a very cruel joke has been played on us. As if our hearts are being run over. Like waiting and hoping we'd get pregnant for the last two years wasn't hard enough, now to add a death of an adoption journey to the list. It's so unfair.

I'm just so sad. I don't understand where we're suppose to go from here.. I feel so torn, so limited. WHY IS IT SO HARD?!??????????!?!?!?!?!? It wasn't suppose to be like this.

I am now a Caribou employee .

I got the job... they offered it to me the same day I interviewed. I'm feeling much better about it than when I posed last...

I was honestly surprised they offered me the job! I shouldn't be.. I'm well qualified and I have a lot of good job experience. But with needing the entire month of January off and being honest about the possibility of moving in June, I thought he'd just skip me over! But I guess not.

Anyways, I have some paperwork to fill out tomorrow and then I guess I'll start later in the week.... I should be working less than 20 hours a week.. and the pay is pretty decent for the job, so it'll be nice income.

And now that we don't have a baby on the way, I'm not as worried about finishing my videos quite as fast.. and I only have two left anyways.

So that's my update!

Not to sound bitter but I hate this phrase!

"Everything happens for a reason" I don't know why I dislike it so much because to be 100% honest with you, I believe it! I really do. So why don't I like the phrase? I guess it's because it's just not what I want to hear from people. I believe it and I'm aware of it, but I just want to hear "I'm sorry" not "everything happens for a reason".

It's really silly that I can believe something and still not want to hear it.. I'm not quite sure I comprehend it.

That aside, I had my interview. It went well, as usual I spoke too fast :-P. But I really hope I don't get the job. I'm not kidding. I just don't know that I have the energy for it...so why did I apply for it? Because financially it was the right thing to do :-(

what now?

I know I didn't really blog earlier, I just copy and pasted my mom's email, I blog-cheated... but honestly I'm not sure how to feel. We're thinking we might go back to the idea of adopting from Colombia. The reason we had shyed away from it was because of the wait time.. but now we're feeling like we don't have many other options as far as wait goes, we just might not be parents in the next two years.... as much as that kills me. Seriously why does this have to be so hard?

I'm not sure I can go through a domestic adoption again... I just don't know... so we're praying about it and going to meet with the agency that we thought about using before when we were looking into colombia.

Anyways, I'm fine one minute and a disaster the next. I was so proud of my 3 1/2 month ticker.. we were finally moving along.. and now this. We have to start all over.

I'm off to see martian child with my friend and sister.. I'm excited to have the time out. And my mom took me to dinner today, which was really nice.

Our agency lost it's lisence.

This is the email my mom sent out to friends and family.. it pretty much sums it up:

*****************************************

Dear Family & Friends,

We received some sad news today. The adoption agency Rachel & Joey have been working with in Florida lost their license. Unbeknownst to all the potential adoptive parents – the director of the agency has been under investigation by the government for some time. The allegations are fraud against the government.

Rachel and Joey have a peace that goes beyond human comprehension although their hearts are heavy and they covet your continued prayers. They also ask for your prayers for as the many other couples that were working with this agency, the birth mothers and maybe most importantly those unborn children. “Chosen” couples are now working with an attorney to determine the outcome of those children. Others like Rachel and Joey will be working with the attorney in hopes of recovering the money they have invested in the agency.

A couple diagnosed as infertile is at the mercy of the integrity of all those they need to help them have a child of their own. Rachel and Joey did all the “right” things – they received glowing recommendations from other young couples that had worked with this agency and a background check on the agency however the government does not put out a red flag alerting unsuspecting couples that an agency is under infestation.

I’m sure you have questions but please give Rachel and Joey time and space they need to process this. They will need our love and support more than ever and you can be sure that any question you have they have asked themselves.

We will keep you posted but for now really ask for your prayers.

Sincerely,
Barbara

An interview at Caribou

Well I did it, I finally went and applied for a "winter job". And at my favorite place no less, Caribou Coffee!!! If you live in a land where Caribou doesn't exist, I mourn for you.. you will NEVER find better coffee... not starbucks, not dunn brothers and not seattles best ... it's Caribou all the way! So is it any wonder why I want to work there? :-)

So anyways, I have a job interview on Friday. But here's the problem. I haven't had an interview in over three years!! And when I meet with brides, I do the directing of the meeting and it's at a Caribou none the less!!! So I'm a bit nervous I'll want to run the show! haha.. hopefully I won't!

Anyways, I know with us taking the entire month of January to road trip for residency interviews.. I'm aware I might not get the job.. but I'm leaving it in God's hands!

I'm not up for tag :-(

Sorry everyone who's tagged me! But I've been tagged like five times and I don't have the energy to learn how to play and then play it! ... guess that makes me a party pooper!

And to any of your techies out there (SJ?) how can you see who is viewing your blog?

ANOTHER $1000!!!!!!

Can you believe it? How amazing is that? And do you want to know who it's from? A couple at our church that we barely know! I have shared my heart with both the husband and the wife at different times kind of randomly by email through this process. And I guess a few years ago God really put adoption on their heart so they started saving and felt they should share some of that with us!! I told them when/if they decide to adopt their own someday (they're currently pg with their first child), we'd better be the first to know!! I just am amazed.... I can't even believe it.

Praise God! What a HUGE blessing!

My much need hair therapy

I was due for a haircut anyway and I hated the color my last out of the box dye faded into so I went and got my hair done. :-)

Bad night :-(

Last night was a bad night. It started by my getting my feelings hurt and ended with my sobbing into Joey's arms for over an hour until finally I fell asleep. And now lucky me I have an emotional hangover. :-/

I feel so sad, and there are so many reasons. But as Joey is applying and accepting interviews for residency programs all over the US, I find myself wanting to move. Feeling like if we moved I'd be running away from all our problems, and all my sadness and we could start over somewhere and live happily ever after.

But then I remember if we leave, we leave all the people who love us and support us and DON'T say mean things and hurt our feelings. And we'd leave our church and our baby sitters and the kids in our family.. and then I ache more becaues I can't leave those things!

And now I feel like even a bigger mess because I don't know what I want and I'm tired of not being a mommy.. everyone else gets to be one why can't I!?!?! Lord what on earth could your plan for us be? Because I'm such a disaster and right now, I just want SOME sort of insight into the future!!!! Unless I couldn't handle it, in which case, that makes me want to crawl in a whole and go to sleep... for a long time.

My photography debut!! :-)

So this weekend one of my best friends and her husband came to visit from ND and I spent the afternoon taking pics of them.. I had SO much fun taking them that it makes me wish I did that instead of video!! :-0 But here are some of my favorites out of the 350!!

Adoption blogs are more boring than infertility ones...

Well that's not always the case but it is with mine.. I don't have a lot going on and not a lot of progress.. so I've resigned to the fact that until we're matched my blog might be boring :-( Bear with me.. I'm trying to keep it interesting :-)

3 months today!

That's right, check out my ticker at the bottom. It's been three months since we sent in our application to our agency! So we've been waiting to be placed for a little over 2 months! It's insane how fast time can fly! Honestly I use to look at people's tickers that said three months and mine said 1 days (lol...) and think that felt so far away! But here it is... and we're still doing good :-) But we're anxiously hoping we'll be matched sooner than the next three months! Could be wishful thinking.. who knows.