This is how infertility feels.

Recently I was trying to describe to a friend who has no interest in having children anytime soon how it feels to go through IF. I felt the need to paint a picture for her to better understand. I thought it was worth sharing.

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You love your boyfriend (or fiance, or spouse), probably more than you can understand. You want to be with him all the time, you know how much you love him and need him in your life. But what if he wasn't here? He was somewhere that you couldn't contact him or connect with him. And you only had a chance ONCE a month to see if he was coming home to see you. You love him so much and are so ready to be with him that you can barely breath. Everywhere you look are people who get to be with those they love, getting engaged, planning a wedding, buying houses, starting their lives etc, but you can't seem to be with the one you love and no one can really tell you why!

So every month you're just sure it's going to be the month you get to see him. And yet month after month, you find out it's not the month, it's not "your time". People tell you "don't worry, it'll happen at the right time" "Just relax" or "Take a vacation". and all you want to scream is "It's time NOW! This is all I want, to be with this person I love, to spend my life with him, what do you know about the right time, are you God?!" but you don't, you smile and nod and say things like "yes, I know, God will provide, He'll take care of me (Which you do fully believe, but it doesn't always make it easier)". But it still doesn't make sense why everyone around you has their boyfriend, or husband, the love of their life with them day after day and you don't.

So month after month you wait, and month after month nothing. And you start to wonder if you'll ever see him again, if he'll ever be a part of your life like you've planned and hoped and wanted for so long. You're starting to lose hope. Now it's been almost two years, which is two years longer than you should have waited since no one else seems to have to wait that long. But you feel like you're dying inside, like you will drowned in tears if you have to wait another few months, or even possibly years to have to see him. But all you can do is wait. And that's what you do.

A poem from a nestie.

This is a poem written by a woman on my IF forum. She has an amazing talent and I wanted to share:

Stolen
By Sarah Aarssen

I'll never check the calendar smiling, thinking "hey I may be late".
I'll never suprise our parents with the news of their "grandparent" fate.
You've stolen all the joy that making a child is supposed to bring.
You've taken a beautiful moment and turned it into an ugly thing.

I'll never once experience the thrill of the three minute wait.
It's more like a tortured time, when one minute feels like eight.
I'll see there is no line and once again we'll have no child.
I'm bitter, angry and confused and that's to put it mild.

I had visions of telling my husband, a Dad you're soon to be.
To see the look upon his face, his hands on my belly.
We'll never argue over names or the colors for the room.
We'll never giggle over the little kicks that are coming from my womb.

You've taken from me a joy that I'll never get to know.
You've stolen what was rightfully mine, striking a sinking blow.
Why does this happen to me, to my love and to our life?
I didn't see this coming, "mother" belongs right after "wife".

Infertility is the theif that snuck into our lives.
Infertility steals the child from the husbands and the wives.
Infertilty should be a crime but the punishment is not it's own.
It belongs to the couples who suffer, whose child does not come home.

I survived the night. I didn't die of a broken heart.

Last night the worst thing happened. The ONE thing I told God I couldn't handle, the ONE thing I begged him to not let happen. The ONE thing I said I didn't think I could live through.

My sister is pregnant.

With her 4th child.

With her 2nd since we've been trying.

I honestly was surprised to wake up this morning, I can't believe my heart hasn't broken in two. I can't believe this is happening. I can't understand why God is allowing me to be tortured. Am I so unfit to be a mother? Am I so undeserving? If you love me LORD, then WHY!?!?! I don't understand. Not one bit of it. I don't understand.

Please be careful of the "helpful encouragement" you try to offer me. All I really need to hear is, "this sucks". I'm in a place where I might not accept it the way you intend it.

Thank you.

4th sextuplet has died

Click here for story

back from vaca and kitchen's complete!

Well I have a lot to write, but for now I will just brag about how awesome and finished our kitchen FINALLy looks! It's been a long month, but it's done!


* new appliances and hutch and white dishes!


new kitchen table, chairs and hutch.


new hutch! I am in love with this piece of furniture and my dishes!


new cabinets, counter tops, sink, faucet and pretty much everything on the counters!

Hit the road jack...

Well we're heading out tomorrow after my wedding for our vacation. I'll be back in a week!!

Rachel

A very somber post. 2 babies have died

Click Here

I do not even know how to pray for this poor family. Only our heavenly father can possibly know what they're going through, and how to comfort them.

Please remember to lift them up.

Should I change my name?

Lately I've been thinking of changing my name from

"Thoughts from the mind of MayDayGirl"
to
"Supersize me"

You know that's all I really want, to be huge and swollen and miserable and uncomfortable... and to be supersized!!! Is that too much to ask for?!?! (and of course I'll want my body back after nine months! :-)

What do you think? I'll take a vote!

Our house.. is a very very very fine house.

Well we still haven't gotten our cabinet for the kitchen and we're leaving for vacation in 2 days, but that's okay, we're living and it's great to be back in our own house!!

Here are some pictures of the process :-)


*taking off the huge ugly old medicine cabinet to put in the new cute one :-)


*Oops! there's a big hole in the wall! Guess we'll have to cover that up!


*fixed the hole in the wall (pre-new medicine cabinet)


* New appliances and new cabinets up above



*New cabinets (minus countertops, painted window, sink, missing cabinet!)


*Agh, fresh new white woodwork!


*old light fixure

*New light fixure

The result are in...

I had my HSG today, which wasn't overly painful, I had a lot of anxiety but I managed to stay relaxed. It was not comfortable at all and I had quite a bit of cramping, but then directly afterwards I went in the bathroom (5 feet away from the table) to change and I got really sick. I passed out a few times, and ended up laying on the disgusting hospital bathroom floor for like 10 minutes, I was clammy and sweaty and nauseous.. it was miserable. Finally after about an hour I felt back to normal, just drained from the whole thing! But my tubes were clear and my uteris looked "perfect" so I got an A from my dr :-) So now we try one last time naturally and then I start IUI next month!

Thanks for praying!

HSG today

Well, at 12:30 today I have my HSG (hysterosalpingogram) to make sure my uteris and fallopian tubes are clear and working.

My mom is going with me, but I'm a little nervous. This can be a very painful procedure, but hopefully will be quick! I will hear/see the results right away and I'm just praying for clear tubes. I don't know if we could afford the surgery or alternative treatments if they were blocked.

I'll keep you updated.

BM dresses and IF do NOT mix

Yesterday I ordered my bm dress for my SIL's wedding in October. So like any woman TTC, I ordered it 1 size too big, hoping I will squeeze nice and pregnantly (not a word, I'm sure) into it by October. However, the skeptical woman in me says, "you should have ordered it too small, then surely you'd be pregnant by then. Don't you know ordering it too big in preparation for being pregnant CURSES you!??!"

Now, I'm sure the Good Lord is upstairs rolling His eyes at me thinking "Rachel, you don't honestly believe a bm dress could POSSIBLY prevent you from getting pg do you? Haven't we come farther than that?" But I can't help it! It's so dumb, all these superstitions... like buying new expensive clothes will instantly make you pregnant, or buying tampons or dying your hair....

I know it's stupid. But I can't stop thinking about how if that dress has to be taken in because by October I'm not pregnant, I will be so sad. So miserably sad.

CODE:
BM = Bridesmaid (NOT bowel movement.. hee hee)
SIL= Sister-in-law (Jenny Williams)

Please pray for the Morrison 6

In case you haven't read/seen/heard the news, there is a young couple in MSP that gave birth on sunday to sextuplets. They were 22 weeks along. The odds of them surviving or having a "normal" life at 22 weeks are very slim. 22 weeks is just so early. Now I fully believe God's hand is completely over this situation and He is the God of miracles and He can do ANYTHING. And that's all the more reason this family needs as much prayer as possible! I couldn't hardly go to sleep last night as I couldn't stop praying for them. Please keep them in your prayers

morrison6.com

We don't know the condition of the babies, other than they're in critical condition. The family has not updated the media yet.

Thank you.

1 yr ago today...

Our very dear friends were blessed with two little bundles of joy! After struggling with IF for three years, God gave them 2 of the greatest gifts ever created, twin baby boys. These friends endured five artificial inseminations and IVF after IVF. Finally after their third try, they were pregnant! Now today we celebrate the first birthday of two of the cutest boys you will ever see!! They are truly a testiment of the love and faithfulness of our God and Savior!

HAPPY BIRTHDAY PEAS! (names are being kept out)

Rachel & Joey

New look, still me :-)

I'm still here, I just wanted a new fresh look!

very cool visual

To get a visual demonstration of how IUI and IVF work, click here. It will walk you through and show you the procses!

VERY NEAT. Thanks MSNBC!

Click Here

Exciting news (no I'm not pregnant)!!

A while ago I felt God was telling me to look for a support group either in my community or church that deals with infertility. Well little did I know (He knew I would run for my life if I
did!) He would eventually ask me to START and LEAD one at my church! This has been a long process that started back in March and I had NO intentions of starting, or leading anything!! EVER! But God has amazed me over and over again by making everything happen simply and smoothly and all in His perfect timing!

Finally after several months of planning and praying, an announcement will be going out in the bulletin at my church for this group. I know there are many people don't have the desire to share their IF struggles with others, but God has NEVER shown me more about His grace and love and blessings than when I "Came out" about our struggles. And my prayer is that others would have the chance to grasp some of the Joy I have experienced through this agonizing journey, even if only sharing with others going through the same thing.

I am VERY excited about this and I would love prayer for this group and for the women who might be fighting internally about joining the group simply because of shame or embarrassment. Satan would love nothing more! So we must pray!

Thanks for your continued support!

TOTAL Vent!!

So our cabinet that we're waiting for (to finish our kitchen) came in DAMAGED AGAIN! I'm so frustrated. It's not the end of the world, but now we have to live in our house for two weeks without a kitchen put together. There's tools and dust everywhere, so it'll be hard to "Set up house" like that. But oh well, I guess that's what we have to do!

Hopefully they compensate us for some of this.

4 years

I realized last night as I was drifting off to sleep that even if we were to get pregnant this month (and I have stopped playing that game... too draining) but if we were, we would be married four years before having a baby. So from here on, we have moved into the next year of our marriage. I used to wonder if we'd be married two years when we had a baby, and then three, and now four. We are nine months away from our four year anniversary. I just pray we'll have a baby within that four years, and not have to move onto five or six years.

I don't know why this makes me sad. There's nothing wrong with being married four years before having a baby. In fact it makes us all the more sturdy and ready. But still. This wasn't how we planned it. And that makes it hard.

Perfect words from Lamentations

I'm being a posthog today! sorry, but I had to share.

I got an email from a dear friend of mine from church who recently had her second (beautiful) child. She has a pure heart of a Godly woman and is full of compassion. While she hasn't been through IF, she suffered a terrible miscarriage in between her first and second child. She understands fully the pain and sorrow of not having the child that you desperately want to love.

She sent me a very encouraging email with these amazing verses at the end. I would assume it's from the message translation: Thank you Stacy.

Lamentations 3:21-33
21 But there's one other thing I remember, and remembering, I keep a grip on hope: 22 God's loyal love couldn't have run out, his merciful love couldn't have dried up. 23 They're created new every morning. How great your faithfulness! 24 I'm sticking with God (I say it over and over). He's all I've got left. 25 God proves to be good to the man who passionately waits, to the woman who diligently seeks. 26 It's a good thing to quietly hope, quietly hope for help from God. 27 It's a good thing when you're young to stick it out through the hard times. 28 When life is heavy and hard to take, go off by yourself. Enter the silence. 29 Bow in prayer. Don't ask questions: Wait for hope to appear. 30 Don't run from trouble. Take it full-face. The "worst" is never the worst. 31 Why? Because the Master won't ever walk out and fail to return. 32 If he works severely, he also works tenderly. His stockpiles of loyal love are immense. 33 He takes no pleasure in making life hard, in throwing roadblocks in the way...

Thank you Stacy.

IUI frequently asked questions

In case any of you are more interested in the process of IUI, here's a very easy read:

Click Here

Also, the success rates are anywhere from 6% to 25% a cycle. Rate for mutlipltes are 20-30%.

life

We're moving on friday, FINALLY! Our new cabinet hasn't come in yet, but hopefully it will by then so we can get our kitchen finished! I have such conflicting emotions about the move though. I am SO sad to leave Cambridge and my sister and her kids and all the time I get to spend with them. But I can't wait to live in my house again, and be closer to Bridgit and the boys, I feel like I hardly ever get to see them, which is hard. But I hate feeling like I'm giving up one set of kids for the other. Why can't we all just live close?!? It was the same way when we moved to cambridge.

Anyways, yesterday I had a blood draw to check my estrodial and FSH levels. I haven't heard anything so I assume they're normal. They said they would call if they weren't. I have my HSG scheduled for next wed at noon and my mom is going to go with me. I have heard they can be really painful and I feel like I have suffered enough pain (internally) to now subject myself to physical pain. But it's what I have to do. I just hope it isn't too painful because I'm a big baby :-(.

We had Ella and Tucker over last night to sleep with us. Tucker was over here on monday too :-) I love having them here. Tate was at Oran's so he'll have to come to our fridley house next time! It's so wonderful to wake up in the middle of the night, or bright and early to such a sweet adoring face. And the wonderful noises that come out of that child's mouth! It's all I want in our life. I sometimes wish I could just steal the babies :) But don't worry...I won't!

I'm doing all right today. I'm not crying or anything, but I just feel so down. I am ready to be pregnant and looking forward to life instead of worrying so much about never having that. I just don't like this.

We're going on vacation with my family next weekend for a week at a cabin in WI. I cannot wait! I hope it is so good for all of us, refreshing and relaxing. I can't wait!

ugh.

I have no other way to describe today. Ugh is the way I feel. But if you must know how "ugh" feels, then it feels: sad and tired, annoyed and crabby, poopy and sickly, mad, frustrated and again... sad. That's how "ugh" feels today.

AF came (as I knew she would) but it's still so stinken hard!! Both Joey and I were really sad last night. At least for me I'm in my body so I can tell when it's coming or if I *might* think I'm pregnant, but for him all he can do is hope, he doesn't have a clue what's going on inside of me.

So now we're on cycle #21. Ridiculous. Pitifully ridiculous. It is not suppose to take this long!

I have nothing positive to say today, I am just sad and mad.

I'm tired

We had a long weekend of working on our house and moving. We haven't completely moved in, but we've gotten a ton of the projects done at our house and most of our stuff is moved there. But I am tired and sore from painting all day on Sat.

In IF news we're still waiting (like normal). I'm 9dpo and I'm just waiting for AF to show up. When that happens I can schedule my b/w and HSG. If for some reason it doesn't come, then I get to POAS (pee on a stick). Judging by the way my body feels, I'm expecting AF.

If you need help with the above abreviations:

IF: Infertility
DPO: Days past ovulation
AF: aunt flo/menstrual cycle
B/w: Bloodwork
HSG: hysterosalpingogram
POAS: Pee on a stick

Nothing like packing to take your mind off sorrows

Man, I thought packing to move completely out of our house what hard!! NO WAY, this is way worse! We have so much junk shoved into this tiny little room in every single corner and empty space. I am throwing tons of stuff that I know I don't need to bring home with me, but I still feel guilty throwing away perfectly good stuff.... and the garage sale is already over :-)

But in the mean time it occupies my mind with other things.. hopefully this 2ww (2 week wait) will be over before I know it. I'm only on 4dpo (4 days past ovulation)!

Well hello tears, I haven't seen you in a while...

This has been an interesting week for me. Although I have a newfound hope with our plan moving forward, I still have cried several times this week, and not just a little, but a lot. I haven't really cried a ton in the last 2 months so 3 times in a few days is a lot!

I think for so long I have focused on getting pregnant and being pregnant. But lately I've let myself drift into the land of imagining motherhood and what I will be like with a baby and Joey as a daddy and what a void we really have in our life right now not having any children. Going down that road brings a new sadness in my heart. One I'm not sure I can handle, so I can't venture there often.

Don't get me wrong, I love the time Joey and I have together and have had for over 3 years now. But it's time. We have the hearts of parents and it's time to take the next step. There's no doubt about it, we are ready. And I believe we will be better parents because of it. Not better than the next guy, but better than we would have been had we gotten pregnant 2 years ago, or our first time trying. We will be better because we know what it means to fear not having a family and we will be more ready for it than we ever could have been before.

For that, I am thankful.

Update: We have a PLAN!!

We saw the RE yesterday and it went really well! We walked away with a plan, which we are so relieved about :-)

I am scheduled for a few blood tests and an HSG for this next cycle (sometime in June). The HSG is a fancy ultrasound that will make sure my tubes and uteris are clear and in working order.

We have been diagnosed with unexplained IF which means there's basically no reason for us not getting pregnant.

In July after the tests we will start Intra Uterine Inseminations (IUI) which are also known as artificial inseminiations. We are hoping the first one works but we can do really as many as we want.

These should really increase our chances of getting pregnant and since we have no known reasons for not "working" we're really praying these work!!!

Thanks for caring and praying.

Rachel & Joey

coincidence? I think not!!

Okay so we will be leaving in like two minutes for our first reproductive endocrynology (RE) appt!! But I have to share, so my sister and I had a garage sale yesterday and although it's not done, I took away $200 from it. Then I was given a gift of $100 for our appt today from someone very special to me (not sure I should share who?), then I got home and had a $85 rebate check from excel from the storm that left us powerless 21 months ago!!

All totaling: $385.

Guess how much our appt costs today (we have to pay upfront)? $385!! Wow. I hadn't even considered God would be so obvious in His ways! But I guess He is! Now I feel 100% at ease going to this appt. I believe that was His way of letting me know we're on the right track! :-)

Boo for bad insurance!

So I decided it was time for a reality check. I pulled out the fee schedule for our RE and added up what our initial testing was going to cost. $2997. Yep, and that doesn't count the $700 we've already spent with the OB. Too bad our money is going to be gone before we know it :-(

It would be so much cheaper to just get drunk and knocked up. I'm sorry, that was uncalled for, I'm just frustrated. :-/

2 days left!

We have less than two days until we're sitting in the dr's office for our two hour consultation. A friend advised me not to have any expectations of the visit, and I don't, but I am just so elated to get this going! I feel like we've wasted all this time trying on our own when it obviously isn't working! So getting the help we need is just one step closer to having a baby of our own!!

I also just have to point out to any of those who think, "trying is the fun part", please stop saying things like that. Trying is only fun for like a month, maybe two or three.. after that (and certainly after 20 months) it becomes a job: a tiring, straining, irritating, hard job. Don't get me wrong, we have a healthy sex life, but there is one time a month when it's not fun, no matter how much we want it to be, or pretend, it's still just a reminder of what isn't working for us when it seems to come so easily for everyone else.

Stepping off the soapbox now. (and I really apologize for being on it in the first place, but this is one of the HARDEST things to hear from a fertile person. If you haven't been there, you just can't know).

I'm crying over friends!

Wow, this day came out of no where, tears are flying everywhere!!

I'm laying bed watching friends and Chandler and Monica are at their adoption interview. There's a mix up and they end up lying about who they are. When they fess up the girl doesn't want to give them the baby anymore. Chandler tries to explain to the birth mom and he ends up trying to convince her to still give them the baby. His schpeel about why how he can't give his wife a baby and how he'll learn to be a good dad, but his wife is already a mother, just one without a baby, just threw me over, I just started bawling!!

I'm such a baby!!!

It wasn't suppose to be this hard.

That's it. It wasn't! You're suppose to decide you're ready for a baby, do the deed and get pregnant. Plain and simple (sorry to be a bit vulgar!).

You're not suppose to wait and hope and pray and cry for 20 months and still have no sign of being pregnant. And the decisions!!! They're endless: financial, emotional, spiritual, physical (just to name a few)!

Last week Joey and I were on our way to cancelling our appt and moving towards adoption. And this week, we've decided to keep the appt. I honestly feel like we don't know what we're doing! I feel so frustrated, I pray and pray and I feel like God doesn't give me much. I see His work all around me, but lately it seems like I can't hear Him!!

And after the flu bug on Thursday/Friday I still feel icky in my stomache, and I don't know if it's truly from the bug, or if it's because I feel so uneasy about everything. I just wish Joey were home, I could use a good shoulder to cry on!

Speaking of Joey, in the last three weeks I have heard him say at least ten times that something made him sad (a new OB patient, seeing a pg woman, a baby etc) This is truly the first time through this process he's shown any kind of emotional involvment other than supporting me. It's hard knowing it makes him sad too, but it's so much better than feeling like I'm all alone in this! For that I praise God! I need to know that my husband is with me in this. And I finally do.

Dear Abby on Mother's day

Thought this was interesting in Dear Abby:

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DEAR ABBY: On Mother's Day, our church has a tradition of asking all the mothers in the congregation to stand for a blessing and recognition of their importance to our community and the job they are doing.

My wife refuses to stand and be recognized by our community as a mother. She says she won't do it because there are some women in our church who are not standing, and some of them might not be able to be mothers and may be hurt at the recognition the others are receiving.

I realize that infertility may be a great loss to them, but these women live with it every day. I doubt that our church's annual recognition of mothers will add more pain than those women already endure. Don't you agree? -- PROUD HUSBAND AND FATHER IN THE MIDWEST

DEAR PROUD HUSBAND AND FATHER: No, I do not agree. Your wife is a woman with unusual sensitivity and empathy for the feelings of others. I respect her stance on remaining seated, and so should you.

Flowers on mother's day

I read a quote recently that said,

" Thank you for asking, I am a mother; I just don't have any children yet"

I thought this was a great quote. Women who suffer through miscarriages or IF are mothers at heart, we just haven't been given a child to mother yet!

Mother's day, as you can imagine, can be a very tough holiday for those who've had M/C or IF. So many women are praised and adorned right in front of us (at church for example) while we sit back wishing so badly for what they're praised for. Many women even feel shame for not being able to step up and be apart of that group. While I don't struggle with shame, I do feel the sense of loss. I'm grieving a child that doesn't even exist.

So I emailed my associate pastor at church and informed him I would be sending over a boquet of tulips for the front of the church. I asked him is when they made the mother's day speech (ask women to stand and be applauded etc), if they would mention that the flowers in the front are for women who have suffered m/c or are going through IF. For they are mothers at heart.

I am very excited about this idea and I hope it will spur them to continue to do it from years on out. Hopefully next mother's day I will have a child of my own, or at least be close! But for now, this is for the women in my church who feel like me. (oh and by the way, we won't be at church on mother's day, we're doing the walk for the cure... so no selfish intentions here!! I'm tired of feeling selfish, so this feels good!)

I posted this idea on my nest board and low and behold, four other women got on the ball and emailed their pastors as well. What a great way to share God's word. The internet! :-)

Well that's it, I just wanted to share that this mother's day would hopefully be slightly less painful for many women in my church and other churches around (I plan on hounding my dad to do the same at his church!).

Great quote

I saw this quote today and it pretty much sums up how I feel inside about Infertility:

"The problem with infertility is that I am mourning children that do not exist, and I'm the only one that misses them."

Still hanging in there..

I'm still doing good, although I did have an emotional breakdown today (inside, not on the outside!) I got an offer to have an appt with the Dr 11 days early and Joey said no because of his schedule. I don't know why but for like 2 seconds, the thought of seeing the Dr 2 weeks earlier felt like such a ray of hope in my life. And then 2 seconds later it was dashed. It was stupid.. completely stupid... I wished it wouldn't have happened :-(

Also today I had a terrible realization. I realized that because we're having issues getting pregnant and I'm to the point where I am starting to assume it might be 2 years (At least) before we get pregnant (we're on month #20) I find myself feeling entitled to a certain amount of respect. Like if I finally do get my BFP (big fat positive) that I should somehow deserve more attention, or excitement. Or in the meantime I should deserve praise for what I've been through. It's a really terrible place to be, because I know I don't deserve a child anymore than the next person and I certainly am not interested in becoming prideful about something as horrible as infertility!! If I'm going to have pride, let it least be about something worth boasting over! I know this is something I seriously need to start praying about because this is a bad place to be and I don't want to feel entitled, or worthy or have any prideful thoughts when God finally does choose to bless us with a baby! (or in the meantime).

This is something I could definitely use prayer for.

Thank you. From the bottom of my heart. Thank you.

Not much new here

I see it's been a while since I've written again. Really there's not much new here. I'm just enjoying a week off before the wedding season officially starts.

I'm also anxiously awaiting our dr appt in two weeks. I really feel like everything is weighing on that.

Anyways, just wanted to give you an update. I'm doing alright.

Thanks!

Encouraging words or dreaded fear?

I received the following email from a girl I know today:

"I just wanted you to know what an inspiration your blog has been to me. I cannot imagine what you and the many other millions of women in this world are going though, but I do know that your blog has touched me spiritually over the last few months. I am so touched by your love for God and his Will and plan for your life. I love your frankness and how you're not afraid to just lay things out on the table. I know that the Lord appreciates your honesty and realness on a daily basis. So many Christians are afraid to be real these days and you have just inspired me to be more real with myself, my walk with God and people in my life. You are such a strong woman and don't ever forget that. I know that God is using you to minister to people and you may not even know about it. I know you ministered to me. So I'm sure there are many others! Keep the faith girl...you're doing an Amazing job."

Contradictory to what you might think, I struggle with this email. While I am very excited for this woman's faith and the ways God is using me in her life to strengthen it, I can't help but have some inner turmoil through it. Here's why: I am terrified that God is planning to use me in big ways (that I didn't sign up for!) to minister to others about IF. Don't get me wrong, I am delighted and will continue to be willing to do God's work in this dept. But the reason I am terrified is because what if I have to wait forever (or years, they feel the same to me!) to have my own children to "truly" be able to do God's work in this place?

Tonight I confronted God with this fear (just in case He wasn't already aware!) And I surprised myself when I said to Him "Lord, just do it. (do I owe Nike money now?) Just go ahead and do whatever you want in my life. Use me how you want. I know you will anyway, so here I am surrendering."

I am shocked that not only did I say it, I meant it! I know fully that means God is changing me in ways I didn't even recognize! As I quoted C.S. Lewis earlier today, I am terrified for how painful God's perfect plan for my life might be. But I guess all I can do is wait, and continue to trust and love Him!

Someone who gets what's in my head!

I am reading a wonderful book called "Hannah's Hope" by Jennifer Saake. She struggled with IF and adoption loss for TEN YEARS before being blessed with two children of her own. She is a Christian women who talks of her own struggles as well as Hannah's barrenness from the book of Samuel (Hannah is Samuel's mother).

Anyways, last night I read two things that really seemed to sum up what's in my head. One was a quote from C. S. Lewis. He said:

"We are not necessarily doubting that God will do the best for us. We are wondering how painful the best will turn out to be."

This is EXACTLY how I feel! I don't doubt that God's plan and will is going to be amazing in my life. BUT I am smart enough to know that God's will and His best doesn't mean there won't be hardships!

The second thing she wrote was :

"Wondering if God's perfect plan for my life will include children, or even realistically expressing painful doubts about my dwindling hope for the possibility of parenthood, does not equate to doubting God. Please don't judge my loss of hope about having a child to loss of hope in Christ.

You may say, 'I just know God is going to give you a baby.' But how do you know? Has He given you a revelation that He hasn't given me? Please be careful speaking for the Lord unless you are sure."

I often wonder how can I doubt, but still have such faith? I finally realized, I don't doubt Christ, I just have doubts about ever having children, or when we'll have children. They are not the same! It finally makes sense! There is much freedom in this revelation! I finally can see that I don't doubt my amazing, loving Savior. That's not it at all! And my doubts are okay, because they aren't doubts in the perfect plan of Christ!

I have come to realize that there are MANY things in life we can force. Buying a house, buying a car, getting a new job, even getting married. But having a child is NOT one of those things! Even adoption isn't guaranteed. The woman who wrote this book had 6 adoptions fall through over ten years. Six children she had prepared for, saw on the U/S screen, had clothes and a nursery for, only to be handed over to someone else in the end.

No, in fact if it's the Lord's will for us not to have a child (now or ever). There is nothing I can do to make it happen otherwise. Somehow as scary as that seems (as you know, I tend to like to be in control), I also find freedom in this as well!

M/C

M/C is the dreaded Internet abbreviation for the word "Miscarriage".

Unfortunately it seems like half of the women on my forum that finally get pregnant through infertility treatments end in a m/c. It breaks my heart, they come on with their exciting news that FINALLY things are as they should be, only six weeks later to hear from them again, that they have lost their baby.

It makes me ill, and heart-broken, ANGRY and sad. I ask "Lord, will this happen to us? We will finally get pregnant only to suffer the tragedy of a m/c?" I wonder if I would be able to handle it, to fight through it. I wonder if Joey would be able to handle me through it. I wonder if that would be the final straw that would push me over. I pray that we never have to endure that. Or my faith will never be tested in such a way... but it's certainly a fear, and a legitimate one at that.

Sometimes it makes me just want to forget trying to have a baby. There just seem to be too many odds against us. I sometimes wonder, if after 19 months if it hasn't happened, will it ever? Is it even suppose to be?! I use to think that we would never go through IF treatments. We would just deal with the facts and move on to adoption. That was before I realized that it's not as cut and dry. They're most likely not going to tell us we can't have children, it's a matter of what it will take to have them.

My heart feels so fearful of all that can happen. It's hard to put my faith in God at times. I still believe that he will take care of us, but that DOESN'T mean that we will like the way he chooses to do it.

It's been a while.

It's funny, I hadn't even realized how long it had been since I last posted until some wonderful friends pointed it out to me. Apparently my blog is their daily read! :-) I feel blessed to have people who even notice if I don't post!

Not much is new, which is why I haven't posted. I've been a little busy (with nothing much really!) But I had an amazing experience this week.

My wonderful cousin Mary, who is pregnant and due in September, has been a sad struggle in my life. I have been frustrated at my own sadness towards her blessed situation and it has put some strain on our friendship. Well recently God enlightened me to a whole new level of viewing her, our friendship and her beautiful unborn baby. I was able to move forward and truly seek forgiveness from her. She responded with complete grace and even informed me she has been reading a book on infertility to better understand my situation! What an amazing friend/family member. I would NEVER have expected that from anyone, let alone the one person who I treated poorly in this process. I can't praise God enough for her amazing friendship and His wonderful grace to bring us past this!

1st counseling session

We met with Dan last night and we talked about our expectations on the drive down. We also talked about some things that we really needed to talk about. It was like our own little session before the session!

Then we met with Dan and it was sort of a getting to know you session. But in the end he said it was very clear that we had true hearts of parents. He also said I appear to be very passionate. lol. I don't know why I think that's funny! Probably because it's so true.

Anyways, he said it was really good of us to come in now to "Guard" our marriage... before things can get bad. Joey and I agreed to have one night a week where we both feel completely free to share whatever (sometimes we each hold back as to not make things worse for the other person) and then we'll have one night a week where we DON'T talk about getting pregnant.

Anyways, we had a great night. We went to dinner afterwards which was nice.

I'm definitely on a good streak this week. Praise God for weeks like this! I KNOW that having the appt with RE set up makes me feel less stressed. I just know we have to wait for it and I'll just settle down in the meantime!

Just for laughs

In case anyone ever wondered :-)

All in a days work.

Today was an interesting day. It started off hard and continued to be hard until about 4pm. Bridgit and my mom were in town and my mom decided to watch the kids so Bridgit, Miss and I could go on a walk. It was just what the Dr (aka Big G upstairs) ordered. We walked, we talked, we laughed, we cried, we laughed some more, Bridgit tried to give me a piggy back ride to alieve my itchiness (which resulted in more laughing!)

Anyways, at one point we sat at the park and probably talked for 45 minutes. I cried quite a bit, but it was such a beautiful day and something about being with my sisters outside in the crisp air in the realness of life was beautiful, and had to have been ordained by God.

It was a great end to a rotten beginning!

Who am I holding back tears for?!?!

I'm at my house, all alone and all day I've been on the verge of tears, but I find myself holding them back. I even took a long shower, spending some time sitting on the ground (normally resulting in a good cry) but nothing came. And it's not that they're not there, they are! I'm just holding them in!

I wish Joey was home, I wish I could just lay in bed with him and cry with him. But I know even if he were home, I wouldn't do that. These days I find myself holding back with him. Even after church yesterday when I was so sad, I didn't want to talk about it with him. Eventually he quit asking me about it and we went on our normal day.

If I talk about it too much, or at certain times it seems to make him depressed when I'm down. So I find myself pretending I'm fine and eventually he forgets about it. I know it's not healthy, but half the time I feel like he's mad at me, or annoyed at me because of the way I feel. And I can't control the way I feel. So instead I just say nothing.

Maybe that's why today I'm holding back my tears, beacuse in a sense I've been training myself to do that around him.

This weekend: Ups and downs

Well first of all I found out another friend is pregnant, but this time it hurt. Really bad. I unfortunately reacted in a terrible way, I sobbed all night, I was very blunt with God telling him my frustration and anger at this whole stupid situation (ours that it). I just don't understand the whole concept of "fair" I know life isn't suppose to be fair, but yet I think to myself "WHY NOT?" If it was, I feel that we are entitled to a child. And yet I still know that's not how it works.

Then I had a great weekend, I spent all day Friday and Saturday with Bridgit (but we didn't stay up till five!). Then we had a birthday party for my dad which was wonderful being surrounded by my family.

Then today came. Church was really hard for me. I saw a few more people I know that have their SECOND beautiful babies. Both my age, or near. I completley avoided them. It was awkward, I'm sure they could tell. But I couldn't fight the sadness in my heart. The longing in my arms.

I kidnapped my wonderful nephew Tucker from Joey's arms and held him until it was time for him to go home with his mommy and daddy. It was a beautiful few moments.

I must remind myself that God is using this for good things in my life, and He is teaching me. But I still find myself screaming inside against my devestating circumstances. Why does everyone around me get to be pregnant? Why do I not have a child of my own by now? Why is my belly not growing and I have no showers planned for me? No nursery to paint? No baby clothes to hang, no names to pick out?

How many more friends will I grieve over as I watch them glow with pregnancy and finally babies?

I wish this was over.

Another great day!

God is blessing me day after day this week! A wise friend said to me yesterday "well sometimes things have to get worse before they can get better" I am praying that she's right. That this is the upward part of our journey. But I'm not counting on anything!

As I type this, I am sitting at a caribou playing games with my wonderful husband. I just had a minute to write, but I wanted to update!

Thanks for always praying.

God's doing big things in my life!

Everyonce in a while I'll view "my friends" on myspace and click on people's pages to see what's new in there life. Today I opened probably 20 people's pages and found out three of them were pregnant. The good news? I barely flinched! No gut, heart or tearful reaction! I even mentioned it to Joey and felt nothing.

Satan must be really testing me today because I found out today two people had their babies and another friend is trying. Seriously nothing! I might be just out of it today, but I'd like to believe it's God working in my life! It's nice not to feel so envious! :-)

A divine appointment.

Today is a beautiful day! (and yes I know it's disgusting and raining outside!).

I spent the night at Nate and Bridgit's last night and Bridgit and I stayed up until 5 am! Yes that's correct, 5am. So when I woke up after 10 and realized I had less then 40 minutes to get up and get out the door for church I almost didn't go. But just as I layed back down and pulled the covers over my head, I felt God saying "Get up and go". So I did. (oh and we've decided to go back to salem early and not wait till we moved back to the cities, so that's where I went. Joey was out of town.)

Well the sermon was perfect, it was all about prayer, the very thing I find myself struggling with the most lately. Our new pastor encouraged us as a church and indivuduals to really take part in the new prayer extravaganza he's organizing in the church. One part was having people at the front of the church for prayer after the sermon. I felt God say I needed to go forward, and I immediately got a knot in my stomach. But when church ended I found myself standing in the aisle trying to decide if I should move to the front of the church, or out the back to leave. Then I realized the very person standing up front ready to pray for me was my small group leader from my bible study last summer! I knew it was the last sign God was going to give me! She is a wonderful woman who I very much respect, admire and care for!

So I went up to her and it was a great reunion, and when I started telling her about my IF and needing peace through this process she looked at me and said "Rachel, we struggled with IF for 10 years! They told me I wasn't suppose to have any children! (she had two of her own and adopted one!)" It was TRULY an appointment from God.

She prayed for me and we talked for 45 minutes! We closed the church down :-). She asked me if we should do coffee in two sundays and of course I accepted! It couldn't have been a more perfect Sunday. I walked out the doors in the icky rain feeling as though sunshine was pouring in my soul. I can't praise God enough for arranging everything JUST so!!

I just had to share! He is a wonderful and might God.

Horrible, rotten no good FRIEND!

I don't know what idiot (sorry to be harsh) decided to name the woman's menstrual cycle her FRIEND!! It is anything but that! Not only does she come to ruin my day, remind me I'm not pregnant, cause a big mess (Sorry..gross), give me HORRIBLE cramps, and as if I'm not sad enough as it is, she gives me MORE hormones I just can't deal with today.

It's Friday, I'm going to Elk River with my sister and mom, I'm going out later on a double date to meet Greta's new boyfriend, I have the whole weekend with nothing planned and yet I can't seem to put a cap on these stupid sad hormones and just get excited for the weekend. I just want to cry.

I'm tired of being a woman!

2 bad (wait did I say bad? I meant HORRIBLE) days!

Well here I am at the end of a two bad day streak. Today was good, but the two before this... shew! Hardest yet I am willing to say.

I don't know what happened for sure, but I would venture to say that realizing I was most likely not pregnant this cycle and that I will shortly be moving on to cycle 19 was too much for me to bear. I just lost it, and for about 3 straight hours, I sobbed. The worst part? I was alone! I was in the car the whole time. I talked to Bridgit, God, Bridgit, Melissa, God, Bridgit, Joey, God... but still I was alone in my stupid car passing a gazillion cars with make up smeared everywhere and beside myself with grief. I didn't know what to do so I just kept driving until finally I found myself at home where I crashed in my bed and had Joey hold me till I was asleep.

Then round 2 came around. I woke up feeling more positive, still holding out the little bit of hope that I could still be pregnant until it came, the dreaded BFN (Big Fat Negative). I was okay during the day, I dealt with it. But somewhere (seemingly out of NO where) I just lost it again! Seriously, Joey should get an award for trying to deal with me. I think I was starting to panic. I still fully believe God has a plan for us, but here's the scary part: It could get so much worse! Part of me feels that I couldn't possibly bear this any longer before I break or fall apart. But then I realize it could be YEARS of this. It could be heartbreak after heartbreak and still NO baby. We could be flat broke have been poked and prodded and pried and still have no baby!

I think my WORST fear at this point is that all my friends around me will get pregnant before me and I will push them away (not intentionally). It's hard to be around pregnant strangers in walmart! I could see myself having no friends when we're through with this (and hopefully ready to celebrate a baby) and have no one left to do it with!

Although I really don't believe this will happen, and I pray that we will have a baby MUCH sooner than years away, I still find myself preparing just in case. :-/

The truth is, we have NO idea what the future holds. God's will is simply that, HIS will. Not ours, and I just don't know when he plans on informing us of this plan of His. I know we're not to worry about what tomorrow holds, but it's so hard when my heart feels like it might break in two at any moment. When every little corner leads down a different path that could cost thousands and thousands of dollars and have no garuntees.

I just pray that God continues to give us guidance in this process, that we continue to ask, remember to listen. And above all else, believe that He loves us and DOES want the best for us.

Lastly I pray we can handle His best, even if it doesn't match our definition.

back to square 1? Who knows.

I must preface this post with saying that anything we say or decide can't be held against us at a later date if we change our minds :-)

We're starting to reconsider seeing a specialist. Now that we believe I'm ovulating on my own, we didn't know that there was a need for one. But there are other things that can attribute to not getting pregnant even if we're both "normal". I can have something blocked, or have a hormonal imbalance. Yada Yada Yada.

I'm also starting to reconsider the whole IUI (artificial imsemination). They can cost a lot, but they can be done cheaply as well, it mainly depends on what kind of drugs you need to be on in addition to the actual insemination. So anyways, we're just going to make an appt. It might just be a one time visit that results in very good sturdy advice, or we might actually take further steps. Who knows, we're just praying for this one day at a time!

a good weekend

Joey and I went to Mayville ND to visit our amazing friends Sandi and Gavin. It was a much needed time as we haven't seen them in JULY! which is way way way too long! We learned how to play pinnochle and Sandi and I layed in bed chatting for hours (something from the old roomie days in college!). It was such a great weekend.

I also was really proud of myself because we even talked about when her and GB would start the process of trying to get pregnant and I didn't have really any feelings about that. Normaly I find myself frantically praying that people won't get pg before me, but not this time (even though I selfishly still hope she doesn't!) but I didn't even have those feelings. In fact it was the first time I could actualy just focus on what she was saying without my personal feelings and emotions even coming into play! It was a very exciting realization for me because I think that means I'm growing and God is changing me!

In fact last night while I was going through my Beth Moore study several statements stuck out to me that I wanted to share:

"In bitter tears we sometimes let go of the rope, tumble to the ground and cry, 'have your way, God! You're going to do what you want anyway!' He knows how desperately we want some of the things for which we are asking. God's will is always best even when we cannot imagine how. One day you'll understand.l And you'll see His glory."

These were amazing things to read. I have always known this, but a good swift dose of reality never hurts. My prayer last night changed for the first time in a long time. I went from "God just please give me a baby, and especially before you give A, B and C one!" to "Lord, what do you want me to learn in this process? What are you trying to teach me? How are you planning to use me?"

I started out praying this way, and somewhere along the lines my desperation brought me to a state of complete selfishness. I fear when we're in these states God will never give us our desires until we step out of this place and honestly fall on our knees and ask for HIS will in our lives. It's a hard place to get to, but yesterday, this was my place.

Praise God!

Please watch

This is a short film that was made by a couple struggling with infertility.

I would love if you would watch this:

http://www.vocalicious.com/empty_arms/empty_arms_mod.html

From my dad

My parents gave me a daily flip book for my birthday, but judging from the fact that my dad wrote in the cover, I'm thinking he picked it out. :-)

Anyways, I almost forgot to flip to todays since we're on our way out of town to visit Sandi and Gavin in Mayville, but I'm so glad I did! This is what it said:

Through God we will do valiantly: Psalm 108:13
There are two ways of getting out of a trial. One is to simply try to get rid of the trial, and be thankful when it is over. The other is to recognize the trial as a challenge from God to claim a larger blessing than we have ever had... As Peter Marshall once put it,
"God will not permit any troubles to come upon us, unless He has a specific plan by which great blessing can come out of the difficulty."

This is what my hope has been and will continue to be. God may have a perfectly good reason for allowing us to go through this, and I just have to believe that he has a specific plan for us during and after this time!

My name is Rachel and I have a problem with pride.

Phew, I'm glad I got that off my chest :-)

This is really something I find myself struggling with lately. I've always struggle with being prideful, but lately since I'm extra sensitive to everything, it seems to be showing up much more often :-(. I find myself saying things I don't mean, and being irritated at people who're trying to help. I find myself thinking "you don't know what I'm going through, so how can you help?" Which is a terrible way to think because I DO need help and people CAN help and I NEED people to help.. so feeling that way is beyond ridiculous.

Recently I hurt someone that I had absolutely no intentions of hurting, but my pride came first, and then the fall-wait have I read that somewhere before? (JK)

I need a better attitude often, but especially these days.

good day, a bit slobbery, but a good day

Today I had $300 worth of dental work done. Why does it seem that with me, dental work always seems to come $300 at a time, and several times a year? I have no problem going to the dentist every 6 months if it meant I only had to get my teeth cleaned, but then they follow me up with 3 more visists I need to come for. I asked them today, "do I really have that many cavities?" they said that I actually had far less than most people, but apparently my teeth suck and seem to break the fillings, or lose the fillings, or need root canals, etc. Dumb genes that gave me bad teeth! :-) JK.

Anyways, moving on. I am having a very good day today. I haven't been sad once, which is HUGE! And I'm on my way to meet a bride soon that I totally connected with on the phone, so I know I'll enjoy the meeting. Joey and I had a very nice day yesterday.

Life is good!

Happy Anniversary

That makes me want to sing the anniversary song "Happy anniversary, to both of us from you! " :-) okay I improvised a bit!

It's really hard to believe that at this moment 3 years ago I was standing on an alter with my fiance taking pictures in our wedding attire! It's crazy how fast time flies.

I was also remembering our first anniversary when we were up at Bill and Dawn's cabin for a week and I cried myself to sleep that night because out of no where I wanted to have a baby so badly and because of med school and my working at the bank, I didn't feel like it was ever going to happen. Here I am 2 years later, still crying myself to sleep, but for different reasons all together! :-/.

But not today! I refuse to feel down about this baby stuff today, Joey and I are going to the cities to celebrate and we're going to enjoy ourselves tonight!

I can't wait.

I'm posting again

I know I already posted for today, but I'm just sitting here feeling angry and I'm festering and I'm bitter and I just need to journal through this.

WHO AM I?! seriously, one minute I'm normal happy bubbly Rachel, and then the next minute I'm angry at the thought, or site or mention of every pregnant woman. Why do I feel the right to hate everyone who gets pregnant before me? Why do I feel because I'm married longer, or I've been trying longer, or I want it more (who's to judge that one, really? Not me.) I should get a baby first? WHY do I feel so selfish? I feel angry and frustrated and angry (did I mention that one?).

And yet I find myself being obssesed. I find myself wandering through baby forums and viewing people's pictures of their bellies and nurseries and I get mad and jealous and spiteful. So one would think I would stop looking right? NO! In fact I tend to look longer. I know it's rotten Satan, he always seems to know EXACTLY how to fuel my rage, but really Rachel, aren't we past that point in our faith? I need to somehow remove this temptation from my life. But how? I can't remove the internet all together, I use it for work (granted I use it MUCH more for personal than work).

I fear on my own I can't resist the temptation. It needs to be completely a God thing. And yet why does it seem like so much work to ask him (and trust him) that he will remove this temptation from me? Do I really trust him so little?

I'm sitting at my computer crying like a baby wishing I could go to sleep and wake up when this is over. If you're reading my blog, I'm sorry I'm such a debbie downer, I don't mean to be, but this is my journal so I must be true to myself and write down my personal thoughts.

Also if you're pregnant and reading this, I apologize. I don't have anger towards you as a person, only my circumstances waged against yours.

NOTHING, I repeat NOTHING is black and white anymore.

I have now entered a world that seems to be entirely made up of gray. For each positive, there is a negative, for each here, there is a there, for each for certain, there is a but.

Everything I read on infertility from one Dr. seems to have a contradiction from a different Dr. You'll never hear all Dr's agree on the same stats, quotes, results etc. It's SO FRUSTRATING!
I guess I'm learning that I can't rely on medicine, I can ONLY rely on the One who controls my life. *sigh*. Why does that feel so hard to do? I know I have no say over things anyway, He's the one in control, so I should just try to give up my serious need to be in constant control of things. But alas, it continues to be so hard.

Today is day 18 of my cycle and I got a positive reading on my OPK (ovulator predictor kid) which means I am ovulating. (I was wrong in my post before) This is good news, except that my midwife things I'm annovulatory, which means it's not consistant (it won't happen every month). So now do we postpone the Clomid until we've done 3 months of OPK's to make sure I'm not ovulating consistantly, or do we just do the clomid regardless? It's never an easy decision.

I am so sick and tired of waiting for the one time a month we can conceive, only to let it pass and wait until I get my dreaded period that only means I haven't gotten pregnant, once again. Then I wait two more weeks until I again have my small window of opportunity, only to wait two more weeks for the dreaded period... and it goes on and on. 3 months goes by so fast, I understand that, but when every single day feels so hard to live through at times, multiplying that times 90 days sounds like torture.

I'm just tired, I'm tired of trying to figure out my stupid body. I'm tired of trying to know all the right answers. I'm tired of there not being any stinken black and white. I'm tired of NOT BEING PREGNANT! I just want a baby so badly to grow in my body, I want to not have to wait and hope and pray anymore about this, I want to not have to hear one more person is pregnant before I get my turn, I just want it to happen!!!

I am scrapping everything I've written before. I'm saying "just kidding" to anything medically I've stated in the past. I'm realizing I don't have a clue what I'm doing and only Christ can be my stronghold. No amount of reading on the internet, or reading IF books, or speaking with other woman who've been through it will carry me through. IN CHRIST ALONE WILL I STAND.

I don't know when I will get this through my head. Why does it have to be such a battle for me? I am in control of nothing.

No "O" for me...

Last month my midwife said to see an OB to put me on Clomid (which will help me ovulate="O"). I went to see one in Coon Rapids and he said I needed to "Prove to him I wasn't ovulating" (he was a total jerk). Anyways, we took his advice and invested in some OPK's (ovulation predictor kits) and decided to do them until (and after) we could get into a dr in Cambridge.

So I have an appt with an OB in Cambridge on 3/23 and I have five months of charting to show him, plus the tests that Sue, the midwife, performed, showing I didn't ovulate. And now one month of OPK's which showed I didn't ovulate this month. I feel MUCH better going into this appt and coming out with clomid on the other side.

I am finally starting to feel like we're moving in the right direction! Now I'm actually excited for my appointment! I'm just really glad we did the OPK's this month to show I didn't ovulate.. once again!

The odd thing about this month, and the last several is it seemed like I ovulated based on symptoms, but I obviously didn't. Weird!

Drugding (sp?) along

I am sort of packing (for lutsen), sort of working, sort of getting my equipment ready for my wedding tomorrow, and sort of doing nothing.

I guess it's good that tonight is the night my family is praying for us because I feel very sad all of a sudden. I had an internet friend who was my "cycle buddy". IE: we were at the same place in our cycles hence we ovulated (or should have) at the same time, had the dreaded 2 week wait (2ww: the period in which we have to sit and wait for our period, hoping it will never come) and we even got tested on the same days for the same things.

Anyways, this friend, also called Rachel, just found out she's pregnant. While I should be elated for her, I feel sadly left behind. I worry this will never happen for me, I worry I will never get the chance to pee on a stick that will turn positive, I worry I will never get the chance to tell all my family and friends that we're pregnant, or take pictures of my growing belly, or feel kicks and turns and hiccups. I fear I'll never see a child that resembles both Joey and I in our looks and personality. I fear I'll never go through the torture of being 9 months pregnant and just waiting for the stinken baby to come out, or to go through the miseries of childbirth, only then to experience the true joy and instant love that comes when you see your baby for the first time.

These are my fears, and today they sit as a lump in my throat, waiting to burst out with tears and sobs and cries and screams.

Rocky night

Last night Joey and I had a really bad night. We've kind of been tense and fighting some since I got home, but last night was the "duking it out night". Apparently he's been holding things back (ie: his feelings, emotions) because he knows how hard this is on me and he hasn't wanted to make it worse. But it (like always) came exploding out all at once. It was however, in my opinion, a well handled fight, but it was long.

Joey and I don't fight that often, but I'd say about once every 6 months we have a really big fight. I think we're getting better at them though because last night my voice wasn't soar afterwards! :-) (did you know? I tend to be a yeller!)

Anyways, we talked for a long time and we finally fell back onto the same page. As it turned out I was also holding things back from him because I felt like he would think I was silly, or annoying and he wouldn't understand. So instead I would tell my true feelings to a woman (miss, bridgit, sandi...) because they can understand me more. But he does want to know how I'm feeling, so I of course ended up letting it all out and then it was a big sob fest.

Also Joey's feeling concerned about my seeing a dr in cambridge because apparently the nurses have a reputation of spreading things around about people who work there. He's afraid everyone will know and want to talk to him about it and he'd rather keep his professional and private life seperate.

So I'm just praying that the nurse we deal with will have the good senses to keep this VERY SENSITIVE matter quiet and to herself (and the dr of course). I'm going to call my family dr in coon rapids and see if he can recomend someone down there, if he can I might move my appt. But I will not risk going through what I went through before by just chosing a dr. (aka a numbnuts!)

So that's where we're at. I'm feeling much better today, we fell asleep feeling good. I know this has mostly been about me vs Joey (because I'm the one with the huge ups and downs), but his feeilngs are important to me so I need to do what I can in this process for him.

Feeling great!

I have been running for the last several week again (minus in germany!) and it feels so great! I feel better about myself, less lazy, I want to eat better :-) It's a good thing all around! Plus the better I feel about myself in general, the less down I feel about IF!

I just got done running about 30 minutes ago and I feel so much more into my work today! Praise God!

I'm back!

Well I got back from Germany just in time to dodge the snowstorm. We were the last flight into MSP, I'm pretty sure all the rest were cancelled! So phew :-)

I had an amazing trip, it was beyond gorgeous and God was so good to me while I was there! I only had one night where I felt sad about all this, but the majority of the time I felt like I was in another world (well I sort of was!).

I'm back now and working today.. and I know that God will continue to be amazing, but I still can't help but feel myself slink back into a sadness mode. I got an email bright and early about another friend who's pregnant. Which is always hard to hear. But I'm going to push through this and believe we will also get good news somewhere on the other side of all this sadness.

Joey has continued to step up to the plate and support me and encourage me in all the ways he knows how. Yesterday at church he really wanted to bring me to the front afterwards and have someone pray for me. I am ashamed to admit I ducked out of it. I didn't want to start bawling and loose it for the rest of the day.. but I should have gone, it was sweet of him to want to take me. Next time I won't be so unwilling :-/

This Friday my family is getting together to celebrate my birthday and to pray for Joey and I. I have a feeling it will be wonderful and hard at the same time. I haven't let myself be completely vulnerable in front of a group of people before and certainly not any men (besides Joey)... so I hope that the time will be good for me and not hard.

Then on Sunday Joey and I are heading up to Lusten for 4 days of snowboarding for our anniversary! I am so excited to have some alone time with hime away from life!

Anyways, that's it for today.

A good day

Well I finished my last 06 wedding and I'm feeling really happy in the work dept! Finally I can feel a bit free!

And now I'm on my way to Germany! :-) I leave tomorow with my wonderful friends Andrea and Rachel ( from JC). I already can feel myself loosening up from the constant straing of thinking the baby business day and night! Especially since we can't go on clomid this month, I think passing the month quickly will be good for me! God always knows exactly what I need doesn't he? :-)

feel the burn...

Lately I find myself feeling insulted very easily.. people say things that they don't have a clue will hurt my feeling.. but unfortunately they do. I know people are trying to be helpful, but I am not 100% myself these days (or even close to that) and I know I let myself be stung by things I shouldn't. I know this is something I need to bring to God more heavily in prayer.. I know I'm sensitive, but I don't want to feel hurt or angry.

I also can't help but feel sad and frustrated when I hear about all the people around me getting pregnant. It feels like a slap in the face.. I know it's not! But that's how it feels. I have wondered lately if IF (infertility) is God's way of saying we're meant to adopt. Maybe we're not suppose to pursue medical treatments, maybe we shouldn't be relying on modern medicine to give us a baby. But then I think, if someone's dying, we don't think twice about relying on the advancements of modern medicine to cure as well as pray for a miracle. So is it really any different when it comes to conceiving a baby naturally?

I feel confused again today. These are the things that are burdening my heart today and I need to spend some serious time with God praying about them.. I know he has closed the door on clomid for the next cycle. We prayed the day before we went to the dr that He would give us a sense of peace or close any doors that He might not want open. As unfortunate as that dr appt was, it's hard not to wonder if that's was God's way of closing the door on this.

I hope and pray we will have a clear answer from Him. I know we'll get it, I just hope we hear it.

Starting to feel the defeat

Well my appt on friday was miserable.. I ended up seeing a dr that could see me that day... I had to go to coon rapids and needless to say, there was a reason his schedule was open!

He treated us terribly.. he insulted me, Joey, cambridge, the cambridge clinic, my midwife.. pretty much everyone... here's the story:

So first the nurse made a comment about how we're just a bunch of kids... okay? Why is that her business? I'm not sure. Then the dr comes in makes a comment about my age and asked how long we've been married. When I said three years he was like "wow, you got married really young!" (in a condiscending tone).

Then he asks if I have any medical conditions. I tell him I have Tourette's syndrom. He asks if I'm on meds and I say "no it's very mild I haven't been in a few years" He says "you're not going to start swearing at me are you?" I was TOTALLLY appalled!! That is a rude question for a normal person let alone for a dr. He was like "haha.. just kidding" (NOT FUNNY).

Then he rolls his eyes when I told him Joey is doing RPAP (the program that has us up in cambridge) and that's why we were working with a midwife up in cambridge.

Then he totally insulted my midwife by basically saying she was stupid for checking progesterone because HE would never check for progesterone. Then he tells me we're starting from scratch and he wants me to start CHARTING!! (um hello, I have been doing that since last summer!!) accompanied by ovulation predictor kids for THREE months before he'll start testing my levelsand even consider clomid.

I was furious.. I didn't drive down there, spend my money and waste my time to have him tell me we needed to freaking start over!!

THEN he says, well you guys are so young, don't you think you're being a little impatient?!?!?!?! I couldn't believe this guy!!! We stopped protecting 17 months ago and actively started trying 13 months ago. Who does he think he is?!

I was furious. I was sobbing by the time I left, I couldn't think straight.. I felt totally hopeful the day before about going on Clomid and feeling more like we had a plan for the situation. Now I have to wait a month to see another dr because there's no way on earth I would go back to thisguy.

He was so insensitive, rude, arrogant, disrepectful, condiscending.

GGAHGHAHGHAGHAGHAGHAGHAGH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

So that's the story about friday. Also we got joey's sperm anaylisis back and they only checked his count, not motility or mophology (how fast/slow they are and to see if they're mishaped) so now we have to have another one done at a bigger clinic. Plus I found out today my Insurance doesn't cover any of this.. I knew we'd be paying for a lot.. but I thought it would at least go towards our deductible...but it doesn't.

Now I'm not sure where to go. The OB's in cambridge are older and don't deal with infertility much so I'm wondering if I should see a specialist (many people suggest this right away).. but will that cost more?! I just feel drained today.

I would appreciate any prayers....

Intertility consultation

I managed to get into an appt today at 2pm with a dr (in coon rapids) for intertility treatments. If I didn't take today I'd have to wait a month! So needless to say I'm glad I got in today! This means I can start my treatments this month!! woo hoo :-) You have to start at a certain point in your cycle and if I waited a month I would miss this next cycle. Phew close call :-)

Okay, let's get this party started!

I heard back from the Dr today. My Progesterone level is (in her words) "depressingly low" I'm at a 3 and drs want to see at least a 10.. so no, I'm not ovulating. Which means I'm not going to get pg without help. You need progesterone to thicken the endometrium lining to allow implantation. So basically even if we did conceive... my body can't hold a pregnancy with my progesterone levels so low. bummer.

So tomorrow Joey's having a sperm analysis done and we need to make sure he's normal. If he's not... it's a whole nother ball game.

So where do we go from here? Assuming and hoping Joey's normal (We'll find out on Monday the results of that test) I will start a medication that's call Clomid. Clomid will make me ovulate at turbo power :-)

We will do three rounds of that (ie: 3 cylces, 3 months) and hope to get pregnant then. If after 3 months it's a no go... then we need to see a specialist and work out another plan... see if something else is the problem.

So that's the news here. Joey and I both feel really good about pursuing this... we continue to know God will provide a family for us and we know He's going to take care of us!

interesting...

I found an index card that fell out of my bible last night. I had written it last summer while I was going through a Beth Moore bible study at my church. It was during a very real time in my life. God was showing me many many things and I was very honest with Him about my fears.

The card reads:

"Lord I have this fear and I want you to remove it and bring me through it. My fear is that I won't be genuine in my faith and that I won't be able to survive if things aren't easy. Take this fear from me and help me to know you will never ever fail me!!!

Joshua 1:5 ' No one will be able to stand up against you all the days of your life. As I was with Moses, so I will be with you and I will never leave you nor forsake you'"


I thought that was intersting because the very thing I was afraid of (losing faith in hard times) God is showing me at this point in my life! I know this isn't the same as losing a spouse or family member. But this is one of the hardest things I've personally had to go through and I find myself leaning on God and His Word and His Holy Spirit more than I ever have! So I praise God for bringing me here, for being so present in my life... and I praise Him for showing me that card and letting me see how far He's brought me!

A card

I have the best husband (I may be a bit biased). But I loved the card he gave me today:

"My Love,
I thank God for the miracle of you.. for the love we share that has changed my life...
I thank Him for the faith in our spirits, the dreams in our souls,
and the wonder of knowing He made us for each other!
You are my heart's desire-today and forever."

My Valentine's surprise

Well this morning I woke up to breakfast in bed, a gift, a beautiful card and JOEY STAYING HOME FROM WORK!! Apparently he's had the day off, but didn't tell me! :-) I started crying, but they were tears of JOY (it's about time!) that I wasn't going to have to alone today!

So I headed off to the dr to have my blood drawn for my progesterone test. And the lab lady said "Oh, you're here for a pregnancy test?" and I said "uh... no, a progesterone test, to see if I'm ovulating" she was like "oh, I'm so sorry, they have the same abbreviations (pg)". At first I was mad because I thought she was saying there was some indication that I was pg (like she can read my blood with her naked eye!) but I soon got over it. I'm in a really good mood today and Jenny and Danny are coming over tonight so we're all going to hang out.

God has blessed me with an AMAZING husband and a wonderful family :-)

The Lyrics to my life

I have loved the song "Stand in the Rain" by Superchick since I first heard it.. but today I was listening to it and felt compelled to search the lyrics.. only to find they describe this season in my life to a T.

I was talking to my sister-in-law Bridgit just today about this ridiculous amount of sadness I am experiencing. She suggested that after over a year of surpressing my feelings about this issue, the relief I feel by finally letting it out is accompanied by the emotions I have been surpressing throughout the year as well.

I think she's right. Feel free to read the lyrics below:

She never slows down
She doesn’t know why but she knows that
When she’s all alone it feels like its all coming down

She won’t turn around
The shadows are long and she fears
If she cries that first tear
The tears will not stop raining down

So stand in the rain
Stand your ground
Stand up when it’s all crashing down
You stand through the pain
You won’t drown
And one day what’s lost can be found
You stand in the rain

She won’t make a sound
Alone in this fight with herself
And the fears whispering if she stands she’ll fall down

She wants to be found
The only way out is through everything
She’s running from
Wants to give up and lie down

So stand in the rain
Stand your ground
Stand up when it’s all crashing down
You stand through the pain
You won’t drown
And one day what’s lost can be found
You stand in the rain

So stand in the rain
Stand your ground
Stand up when it’s all crashing down
Stand through the pain
You won’t drown
And one day what’s lost can be found

So stand in the rain
Stand your ground
Stand up when it’s all crashing down
You stand through the pain
You won’t drown
And one day what’s lost can be found
You stand in the rain

The hardest day.

Yesterday unfortunately became one of the hardest days I've faced since all this started. I had such a nice weekend and all the million times I heard "could you be pregnant?" "when are you going to get pregnant?" weren't even that horrible. But yesterday I couldn't shake the sadness. It was too much for me. I spent some time at my mom's sobbing with her, and just when I thought I cried it all out, low and behold on my way home more tears came, and once again at home with Joey, they came again.

He doesn't understand how this can be so hard for me, and to be honest, I'm not sure either, but I wouldn't care if I never had a day like yesterday again.

This morning I woke up and was reading in my bible and completing a Beth Moore bible study lesson and I read this:

"Perhaps you know how it feels to be obedient to God yet not see the results you wanted or expected...But Joy lies ahead." Those words hit me hard. I do believe that through Christ, Joy does lie ahead and this is just a season in my life. I just have to keep believing.

In the meantime my sister gave me a verse to rely on through my sadness and King David couldn't have said it better:

"Answer me when I call to you, O my righteous God. Give me relief from my distress, be merciful to me and hear my prayer." Psalm 4:1

My valentine's day present...to myself.

I will be going to the Clinic on Valentine's day for a blood draw. This will be the first step towards testing to see if we have a problem. I feel very good about it (and so does Joey) and I'm just happy to get the ball rolling!

I suppose I should update...

It's hard for me to want to update this when I'm feeling down. I guess I only want to show the possitive side, but that would defeat the purpose of this huh?

Last night was really hard. Joey and I sort of revisited our "plan" of action for the next year or so and it wasn't easy or fun. I guess mainly because I had to revisit my fears of what we'll hear at the dr's. I cried a lot and I was a mess.. poor Joey! But I woke up this morning and although I don't feel much better, it's a new day and God has given me so many things to be thankful for.

I am currently waiting to hear from my Dr. (well she's actually a midwife) about making an appt to start the process. I don't even know exactly what all that entails, but we're starting it none the less.

You can pray for both of us during this time that our communication would be strong and we would be open with one another and always always bring this to God. I am feeling at peace about seeing a Dr. and yet it makes me sad all at the same time. You can pray for my spirits.. today they are low.

Words from a friend....

My good friend Rachel Drevlow sent me an email today and it was SO perfect and I can't help but to share her wisdom in this journal:

From Rachel:

I want you to know that I have been praying this for you today: "I keep asking that the God of our Lord Jesus Christ, the glorious Father, may give you the Sprit of wisdom and revelation, so that you may know him better. I pray also that the eyes of your heart may be enlightened in order that you may know the hop to which he has called you, the riches of his glorious inheritance in the saints, and his incomparable great power for us who believe." - Ephesians 1:17-19

I pray that God would give you grace to focus the Lord's saving plan and the ways he is working in you to draw others to himself. How easy it is to wallow in self pity. I say that not to be insensitive, but in quoting the words from your blog. Right now my Bible study is going through Ephesians. During the 1st chapter the study author, John Stott, talked about how we as Christians tend to be so individualistic, forgetting that so many of God's promises of blessing and salvation are for the church as a whole. I was convicted. Too often I view God as a waiter in the sky who should have his "pitcher of blessings", mixed to my specifications, (does God do mixed drinks?!??)ready to pour out at my every whim. For you it is a baby. Rach, I pray a baby and one from your body is in God's plans for you. It makes me so sad to think of the heartbreak you have been enduring. I love you and always will and will continue to pray.

Grace & peace to you this day--

A great source...

There is this website called "thenest.com" If you've heard of the knot.com, this is the married version :-). Anyways on the nest they have local boards where you can chat with girls in your area. It keeps me not-so-bored during the day!

Well they finally came out with a board for woman who are having trouble TTC (trying to conceive). At first I was hesitant thinking it would be depressing being with a bunch of woman who are going through fertility treatments and testing and what not. But it has really helped. It has given me a lot of hope and it has showed me the reality of these issues. But all in all it has educated me, which helps me feel more at ease thinking about the steps we might possibly have to take somewhere in the future!

a baby.... what?

This weekend we went to Josh and Christy's cabin. It was heaven. Joey and I both agreed we couldn't have enjoyed our time more, and it was exactly what we needed! The thought of a baby was barely on my mind, and the few times something was mentioned about it, I was able to breeze past it mentally. God really knows us doesn't he? (NOT that I ever doubted!) But he knew exactly what I needed and that was a weekend away from this stress.

I can't praise him enough! Not only for this weekend, but for His goodness all over! Since I started this blog, I have had more revelations, more contentness and more joy in my life. I know that's completely Him! I know HE is the reason I started this (by prompting my sister) and HE is the one that is giving me the peace I have needed. What a wonderful Father. :-)

Where's the faith?

I have decided that God has given my husband more faith than I with regards to getting pregnant! But at least he has shown me that this much is true!

Last night Joey said some things that were really hard to hear. I was angry of course, but not because he had said them but because I knew God was speaking directly through Joey. Which was a bummer because I hate being wrong... but I guess I'd prefer to be hearing the voice of God even if it's through Joey :-P. (JK)

So then I had to stop and wonder if he had to speak so boldly through Joey because I wasn't listening? Hm... I bet that part is true. I'll definitely be discussing that one with the LORD :-)

Anyways, I'm happy it happened and I'm glad to be hearing a firm voice in this matter. It's much better than nothing! I know that lately I have been dealing with a lot of self wallowing (sp?) so I probably haven't been listening, but last night was like a slap in the face (not literally, Joey would never hit me!). So my ears are perked and I'm going to be doing some serious listening.. something that I am NOT very good at! (I'm sure you know talking is more my thing!)

Today is a better day. :-)

Perfect Words

I have recently found out that the reason I didn't want to be vulnerable in the past was because of my own expectations. I didn't want to have expectations on people and the way they responded to me, but I did. If they said too much, I thought they pitied me. If they said too little, I thought they didn't care. So it was my own standards that were holding me back from sharing this with friends and family.

I cannot believe the response I recieved after sending out an email yesterday. God gave people the perfect words of wisdom after wisdom after wisdom. I read encouraging verses, sayings and then some people just said they were praying. It was all exactly what I needed. I can thank God for that. I believe he gave me the strength to share and I believe he gave me the perfect friends with the perfect words.

Today I feel good.

Okay, starting over

These are my private thoughts that I know are subject to the publics viewing, however I have decided it's time to put my journey down somewhere and since I spend most of my day at my computer, I figure this would be the best place. If this information about us is new to you, don't be surprised. I recently expressed the feelings below to my sister (my closest friend) and she was shocked. Apparently I have kept these things more private than I knew.

So here goes:

Joey and I are trying to have a baby. We stopped protecting 17 months ago. Through that time I have prayed that God would give us the peace either way. That each passing month would make us stronger and not weaker. I have had and will continue to have complete faith that God will provide and take care of us. My new verse for this season in my life is Psalm 27:14

"Be strong and take heart and WAIT for the LORD."

I am aware that this is a waiting game, and that He's in control.

That being prefaced, there are still many days I feel like a complete mess. I cry a lot, I feel sad a lot and unforutnately anger comes a long with those feelings as well. My cousin (and one of my best friends) recently found out she is pregnant. She has been married a year and I am so happy for her, but this of course stirs up a lot of emotions in me. I hate to report that I spent the day I found out crying in bed. I need to state again, I am VERY happy for her and her husband. But I feel regretably sad for Joey and I. This happens a lot as you I'm sure can imagine. People get pregnant all the time.. all around us, close friends and barely friends. But each time seems a little harder.

The thing is, we want to have a baby of our own, but we also want to adopt. We just figured we'd have a few of our own first. The problem is, the testing alone will probably cost us at least $2000. Then what if they tell us our chances are super slim (without spending at least $15k.. yes these numbers are real). That $2k will seem like it was wasted and it could have gone towards adoption (which costs about $20k.. you can see why the numbers matter...). Yet adoption comes with so many heartbreaks as it is, is it worth going into that without fully knowing we can't have our own baby first?

The frustrations are endless.. they truly are. Which is why I MUST MUST MUST come back to: "Be strong and take heart and WAIT for the LORD." We know He will take care of us, we are His children, His plan for us is good, and not to harm us (Jer 29:11), But our hears hurt in the meantime. All we want is to start our family and have a baby.

If you are reading this, please pray for us. Please pray for our hearts that they aren't shattered through this process. Pray that we CONTINUE to trust in God and that He continues to remind us of His faithfullness. Please pray that God will bring us the right baby in the right time. And we'd be okay with that timing.