My photography debut!! :-)

So this weekend one of my best friends and her husband came to visit from ND and I spent the afternoon taking pics of them.. I had SO much fun taking them that it makes me wish I did that instead of video!! :-0 But here are some of my favorites out of the 350!!

Adoption blogs are more boring than infertility ones...

Well that's not always the case but it is with mine.. I don't have a lot going on and not a lot of progress.. so I've resigned to the fact that until we're matched my blog might be boring :-( Bear with me.. I'm trying to keep it interesting :-)

3 months today!

That's right, check out my ticker at the bottom. It's been three months since we sent in our application to our agency! So we've been waiting to be placed for a little over 2 months! It's insane how fast time can fly! Honestly I use to look at people's tickers that said three months and mine said 1 days (lol...) and think that felt so far away! But here it is... and we're still doing good :-) But we're anxiously hoping we'll be matched sooner than the next three months! Could be wishful thinking.. who knows.

It could take a year.....

When we first started trying to have a baby I really only told our immediate families. And this is what I'd always say "but I know it could take a year!".

I was so realistic. Honestly! So many people are sooooo disapointed after their first, second, third month of not getting pg. That wasn't me. I fully expected it to take a year. So I thought I was safe by assuming the worst!

Lol... well I never thought that 2+ years later we'd still not be pregnant... and we'd still not have a baby in our home :-( It's just crazy how I thought I was being so careful by assuming it could take a year.

Anyways, that was random. I was just thinking about that this morning. Me with my ever realistic expectations.

But aside from all that, have a great halloween!!

How cute are these?

These are the L.O.V.E.S of our lives!!! Is it any wonder why we want to be parents so bad?


















ps. notice the trend? 1 girl and four boys (and another boy on the way!!?) I guess that means we need a girl :-) Lol!

We're approved!!!!!!

Praise God, our home equity loan was finally approved!! After our problems before I've had a lot of fear about this! So it was a huge relief to know that from this point forward, we have the money we need for our adoption!!!!

Wedding Pictures!!!!

In case any of you want to see pictures from Joey's twin sister's wedding last weekend! We had a fabulous time!!!

Jenny and Danny

How could I be more blessed?

One of my favorite things to do is go to my myspace page and listen to the music I have on there and look at the slideshows of my life. Of my and wonderful husband, my beautiful family, my amazing friends.. and I just sigh. God is good. He has given me SO much more than I could have ever imagined...

Never in a million years did I think I would find someone as amazing as Joey. I guess I always thought I'd settle... but I didn't even know how good it could be: life, marriage, happiness. All of it!

I miss Joey, he's at work till late tonight and I just can't wait for him to be home. We're going on our fourth anniversary (insane!) and I couldn't love him more! I honestly love him more everyday... and I praise God for the man He has given me to spend my life with!

I spend a lot of my days wishing for more, a baby, a family, the life I hope to have some day. But the days like these, where I am just amazed at all I have been given... I must cherish.

Letting go of pride....

This is a hard thing to do…and I no doubt will be dealing with it for a long time. But it's something I know I need to do. Let go of my pride.

I have had a lot of pride involved with infertility. I have found myself thinking about how I tried to have a baby for 2+ years and might never get pregnant… surely I must get a medal or something. And now I have to come up with tens of thousands of dollars to bring a child into our home and know that he/she will still have another mother. After all this don't I get something? An award of some sorts?

I am aware that couldn't be more wrong. And in my spirit, I know it… but in my flesh, I want to hold tight to what is "owed to me"....

And when it comes down to it, all I really want is to be a mother, no matter how that happens, and no cost is too great for that. But most importantly I do believe that this was God's plan for our family to begin... I do believe that we're in HIS path. Therefore, I truly have NO RIGHTS to claim for this battle I've fought...

So I'm letting go of the pride I've held. I don't want to have a beautiful child in my arms and still fight bitterness against those with them in their wombs. So I'm letting go.

Pray for me in this process. It's a necessary but hard thing to do... and I'm praying that God will give me the strength to be freed from this bondage.

More from God!!! Our wonderful agency...

So anyone following our journey knows how much we think of our agency and Debbie (the director) at our agency. Well this is the card we got from her today in the mail! In Joey's words "I kind of feel guiltly for all the time God's spending on us this week!" :-)


Isn't that just wonderful?

Just got $1000 in the mail!

Okay so this is not something I have blogged much about; the financial side of our adoption. We hadn't been very concerned about the actual funding of the adoption, we knew we'd take out the money against our home and we knew we had the equity for what we needed. We have no debt aside from our house (and Joey's deferred student loans), a good income and great credit scores. So we were not concerned.

Well we got a call from our financial institution last week saying we had been denied our loan because of Joey's deferred student loans. Ones we likely won't start paying off until 2011!!! So we were very frustrated as this was a surprise to us (and them!!! It was their underwriting companies new rule that they didn't even know about!) and we were starting to feel trapped.

Well we are still able to move forward with our home equity loan through another financial institution that we're members of, but we can't borrow as much as we'd hoped for... we were going to be a few thousand dollars short.

So we've been weighing taking an additional loan out on our car, or possibly asking for a loan from Joey's dad... and all in all it's been more stressful than I'd like. But all the while we have fully believed that God would provide and take care of our family! We know this and we believe this!

Well today I had a big sob session with my sister, and exchanged some emails with someone at our church about prayer in this dept.. and after a while I was praying and I knew in my heart it would be okay, and my heart started to settle.

About 1/2 hour later I went out to the mailbox and there was a lone card in there (normally tons of junk mail would accompany!) And someone in our family had sent us $1000 for our adoption!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I couldn't believe it.. I just started bawling and praising God for this money. I talked to her about an hour later and I am just so humbled and honored and grateful and excited and all that rolled into one! And God is amazing! He is the one that prompted them to send the money! And He is the one that is in control of all of this!

So after that I talked to my sister and realized that even more money was coming in from the fundraiser, we are up to the EXACT place we need to be for the adoption! The loan that we will qualify for, that was originally a few thousand dollars short, will end up being the perfect amount to finish it up!

I will NEVER cease to be amazed by God's goodness and perfect timing! Today was the day that I needed to get that money, today was the day that I needed to be humbled to my knees in prayer, and today was the day that I needed to be reminded of exactly who was in charge!

PRAISE GOD!

Awesome slideshow from fundraiser :-)

One of my beautiful friends (who I met because she hired me to film her wedding video!) was apart of our fundraiser!! Her picture are up and they are ALL too cute! So I wanted to share :-)

Tony & Leah

No wonder we didn't feel he was our baby!

The first couple chosen decided to go through with the placement! So there is a reason why God steered us elsewhere! There's no doubt that he wasn't meant to be our baby... clearly! He has other parents.

I love how God works. I know it would have been harder if we said yes we feel this is our baby and then the first couple went through with it!

I'm doing fine.

Sorry I haven't updated all weekend, I appreciate all the comments and wonderful words of encouragement. Thank you also for all the prayers!

I had a crazy jammed packed weekend filled with work, and I'm exhausted from it, but it kept my mind off things.

We are doing okay... we were sad, but we know that it is what it is and we're moving forward, still believing God's perfect timing will come forward and He'll take care of us in beautiful ways.

That being said, I still have a crazy week ahead of me and should keep working, but just wanted to update!

****** Oh and here is a slideshow of some quick pictures my sister took of us at the fundraiser before people came!

www.momentsintimemn.com/raeandjoe

We said no. To a baby.

The bmom we've been waiting to hear if we matched with had her baby. We've known about her since the beginning, she wanted a dr for an aparent, we knew we were a potential match and we've been waiting to hear. Well apparently she was off on her due date (by a month!). She had a half white, half Hispanic 6 lb 9 oz baby boy.

After she had the baby she admitted to having been on Methadone, a narcotic that helps drug abusers to work through withdrawals. The baby was born addicted and will be in the hospital for a few weeks.

Well we weren't her chosen couple, but we were #2... so the #1 couple is deciding what they are going to do, but we felt we had to make our decision before we were presented with it, as we knew it would be much harder to make. Plus we'll find out tomorrow and I have
a wedding both tomorrow and Sat and didn't want to be crazy with making this decision.

So after MUCH prayer, we knew that this baby wasn't meant for us. I can't describe how it feels to turn away something that we have wept and prayed and longed for for so long, it's gut wrenching. But it was still the right thing to do. We KNOW in our hearts this baby wasn't
meant for us. And honestly it wasn't just the drugs, every single ounce of this situation felt wrong. And yet we still wanted to say yes.....

Anyways, we're praying that this #1 couple knows with all their heart that he is their son and he will have a beautiful family to take him home.

All that aside, we're eating our sad food tonight, Chinese. We've cried a lot.

Fundraiser yesterday!

We had the first date of the fundraiser yesterday and it was so much fun! Everyone was laughing and just seemed to truly be enjoying their family photo session! And it was so much fun to see good friends and some family too!

There's another date for next week and my SIL is doing 6 sessions, so that'll be great too!

I just can't believe how much work my sister and SIL are doing for us and my other SIL and mom came to help out with signing people in, downloading pictures and my mom video taped! It was just such a beautiful day! (and I don't mean weather wise! lol.. poured all day!)

I have a ticker!!

I finally figured out how to get a ticker on my blog :-) It's at the bottom of the page!

Painfully yucky in my spirit...

Today I feel yucky inside. I won't lie, it's because of some things I read on blogs. Blogs about adoption.

Sometimes I want to know so badly how things work, and other times I am painfully aware of how nice it would be to remain naive.

I am becoming aware of times that I should stay close to home in the blogworld, and other times I am strong enough to venture out.. today I should have stayed home... maybe even in bed!

I wish that adoption didn't have to be so complicated, but when there are two mothers involved, how can it not be? When one woman is dying inside because of her ache, while another fights with the feelings of pure joy and heartbreak for another... it's bound to result in complications.

Sometimes I can see the benefit (for all) in a closed adoption... other times an open adoption doesn't seem so bad. I suppose it's hardly ever perfect, whatever is decided.

And again I find myself back to praying for our birthmom, whoever she is, wherever she is... she is on my mind.

ahh sadness... I haven't seen you in a while.

Today was a good day, but I was apparently emotional! Maybe it's because I'm tired, or my husband is out of town till monday night (with no cell service), or maybe it's because I saw my cousin and her beautiful new baby at church, or because yet another person announced their unplanned but completely wanted pregnancy, or maybe it's because that's just how life goes.

I teared up twice during church today... once during the song "blessed be your name" during the:

"Blessed be your name
On the road marked with suffering
Though there's pain in the offering
Blessed be your name"

Boy does that ring true...

And I can't even remember the other time. But I wish Joey was here to hold me as I fall asleep. Because I just feel sad. I guess simply because I don't have a baby and I should have had one a long time ago. And yes there is so much hope in adoption, but tonight I can't feel it because there is also so much unknown and so much scariness in adoption.

Adoption is like Organ donating.

To start this post I will say this: I don't know who our Bmom is, where she is, what she is doing or why she is placing her baby. But I know this: I love her. From the bottom of my heart, I love her.

Now, onto why I have decided that I think adoption is like organ donating. When you recieve a new organ, you have to consider all the parties involved, like adoption.

If you're waiting desperately for a new heart, then in a sense you're waiting for someone else to die. I know it's not exactly like that, but you know that when you receive your complete happiness, someone else will be in their deepest despair.

And you can't completely celebrate your happiness without taking into consideration the sadness that another family is going through. It's bittersweet, for everyone.

This is how I view adoption.

There is a woman out there that knows she can't/shouldn't keep her baby. And so her baby will become ours. But if I left the situation without understanding (I use that term very lightly) and respecting the grief that she will face. I would be a selfish person.

I have prayed for our Bmom everyday since we decided to adopt.. and I can only imagine that will continue for the rest of my life. Maybe it will eventually stop being daily, but I know that it will be forever. Because she will be a part of our lives and our hearts forever, even if we were never to see her again.

Another one matched!!!!!!!!!!!

A girl from my T-TTC forum decided to adopt after 5 failed IVFS, and after just three months of waiting they've been matched!!!! (different agency). Her baby is due 10/31!!! I am so elated for her, congrats Libby!!!!! :-)

What if I got pregnant?

It's so strange, but for two straight years all I've thought about, hoped for, prayed for was getting pregnant. And now that we're adopting, it's almost like it's a foreign thought to me.

And even though I have prayed that someday I might get to experience pregnancy, without having to try for it (medically).. it's not really apart of my thinking.

Well yesterday out of no where, I realized I could one day just be late and actually find out I'm pregnant (the old fashioned way!!)

It's almost like when you're infertile, you think that can't ever happen anymore. And for most people it doesn't because they push on with treatments until they get pregnant.. and then there's no surprise in it.

And certainly I'm not expecting anything, or honestly even hoping for it... but I just realized that could possibly happen to us. It's probably not likely (with our new MF DX), but I guess I have just felt like that part of our life was over.... being that we're deemed infertile.

Just an interesting realization.

a month and a half?

It's been over a month and a half since we decided to adopt. I know that's not much time but I can't believe how fast it's flown! I hope the rest of the process proves to do the same!

Also we're beginning the countdown to my SIL's wedding. Less than a month! I guess this day has a lot of significance to me (more than just the wedding that is). I remember when they got engaged fully expecting to have a newborn at the wedding. Then I wondered if I'd be due at the wedding. Then I'd be 7 months pg and 6 mos and so on and so on.. you know the drill.

It had been over a year for us of ttc when they got engaged and I remember saying to my SIL that if I wasn't pregnant by her wedding, I thought I would die.... because that was a year away. And never in my wildest dreams did I actually think I wouldn't be pg!

Well here I am, still VERY MUCH childless. Although I certainly have a different hope now that have decided to adopt. But I still can't believe that I made that statement almost a year ago.. and how much time truly does fly!

I hope that when 10/13 comes all I think about is being there to support my beautiful SIL and not the fact that I am still childless....

What has blogging done to me?

In case you didn't know, when you blog, it's all about you. You can write what you want, and people read it! My blog is in a sense: Rachel's World.

But that's the problem. Because I'm only supposed to be in Rachel's world in the internet.... but lately I find myself being in Rachel's world all the time! I find myself dominating conversations and going on and on about me (I mean doesn't everyone want to hear all about me?) It's not good and it's embarassing! :-(

This is something I struggled with all through high school and college and it wasn't until the last year or so that I have felt I was able to get a hold on it... controlling how much I talk!

I'm sure you're suprised to know that I've been known to be a chatterbox. But I don't like it. It's rude to sit and go on and on about yourself when others have tons of things worth saying and being heard.

But I fear blogging has brought me back to square one! So I am praying about this starting today! God brought me out of Rachel's world once before, I know He'll do it again!

If you know me in real life, please let me know if I'm dominating! I don't want to!! :-0

How well do you know me?

Take my quiz :-)

QUIZ

Adoption as a first choice???

Back when we were still dealing with IF (I say that like it's not a part of our lives anymore, but I think you know what I mean), I was desperately trying to find the answer for how you know when you're ready to move onto adoption. Or how you know you can "come to terms" with adoption over carrying a child in your body.

I was often told that adoption can't be a second choice. And to be honest I didn't really understand how that was possible when we went through 2 years of Infertility to get to adoption.. clearly it was a second choice for us.

But I realized yesterday that I 100% understand and validate that response. I had someone email me asking me how you know, or how you come to terms with adoption. and this was my response to her:

"I appreciate the honesty in the way you worded your questions. I think the truth is, when you're still trying to "come to terms" with adoption, it means you're not ready. I can't explain it, but I too found myself searching for answers and the "cure" to get over IF and move to adoption.. but sadly no one could really give me the answer.

And then it was just like that, both my DH and I were ready. And instead of sadness from BFN's, there was so much Joy for what lay ahead. And we knew we were ready. God gave us an overnight change of heart.

So I don't think I can answer your questions about dealing with not carrying this child, or coming to terms with adoption. But I can tell you this. Until you're ready, please except that you're not ready. It's so necessary to let your heart heal before you move to adoption. Adoption is NOT a cure for infertility.

I was told so many times adoption shouldn't be a second choice...and I wondered how that was really possible when it took 2 yrs of IF to bring us to adoption, which would be our second choice. But I know now that if I had the choice between being pregnant or adopting this baby, I couldn't chose pregnancy. That's how committed I feel to this baby that I know will be ours. I can't explain it, other than I know for us, it's become our first choice."

I know that when we decided to adopt our hearts were in the right place and we were completely ready to move on... but it wasn't until I got that email and replied that I realized just how great of a change it really was for us. And I was praising God through the roof yesterday for the beautiful transformations in our hearts, because I truly can't imagine being anywhere else right now... even pregnant!

For old time sakes: on Infertility

This is for all my lovely girls who are still dealing with Infertility, and for anyone who has a loved one going through it:

If You Are Going Through Infertility
(Read This to Yourself Every Morning)
By K. Elam, RESOLVE of Ga member

If you are going through infertility and you get out of bed in the morning,
You are doing well.

If you are going through infertility and you hold down a job,
You are amazing.

If you are going through infertility and and you are still remotely pleasant to others,
You are a lot nicer than me.

If you are going through infertility and you go to a friend's baby shower,
You are a good friend, a stronger person than me, and I hope they appreciate how hard it is for you to be there.

If you are going through infertility and you cannot go to a friend's baby shower,
You are still a good friend and a strong enough person to know what is best for you.

If you are going through infertility and you decide to do that first IVF,
You are brave.

If you are going through infertility and you decide that an IVF is not something you want to put yourself through,
You are also brave.

If you are going through infertility and you decide to do "just one mroe treatment".
You are strong, and have truly inspirational perseverance.

If you are going through infertility and decide that you can no longer do this,
You have the strength to know yourself and you are wise.

If you are going through infertility and you decide to adopt or use donor egg or sperm,
You have an open heart and are an inspiration to others.

If you are going through infertility and you decide to live child free,
You know your heart and are able to open that big heart to all the children in your life.

If you are going through infertility and you cry daily,
You are normal.

If you are going through infertility and seeing pregnant women or those with babies makes you sad, angry, jealous and worse,
Join the club.

If you are going through infertility and feel like your husband truly understands and is 100% supportive,
He is rare and a keeper.

If you are going through infertility and you have a good support system,
It will help A LOT.

If you are going through infertility and you don't have enough people who understand what you are going through, I strongly recommend going to a RESOLVE meeting.

I'm in a bad mood.

I don't know what is wrong with me, but for old times sake we'll blame it on my period. I have just been in a bad mood all weekend. It has come and gone, but when it comes, it's nasty! Some of the times I have felt provoked, and other times it's just the way it is.

I went to bed crabby last night and woke up the same way! I need to shake this! I think it's time to crawl into my bed, cuddle next to my sleeping husband, open my bible and just pray.

I had two weddings this weekend, I am very very tired, I have a sore throat, and it's possible that I'm getting burnt out. I have done 25 weddings and I have less than 10 left, so that is good! And I am all too thrilled that I have next weekend off (my first since June) and we're going camping! I need an extra week to clear my head before running off to another wedding!

*sigh* time to go get my bible! :-)

an adoption fundraiser for us! :-)

So I don't think I've written about this yet. But my sister and SIL (both amazing photographers!) are doing a fundraiser for us!

They've set aside the last Sunday of this month to take family photos. Each family will get 30 minutes at Como Zoo (beautiful location)! And they'll get a CD of images to use however. They're asking for a minimum donation of $100 and hoping to get 50 families singned up!!! Isn't that amazing?

Here's the flier they made up for the occasion!! Aren't we blessed?
ps click on the image if you want to see if in full version.

blogging and security?

How do we have security in blogging? My blog is public and I have wanted that bc I have wanted everyone and their mother to be able to read as they please :-) I know God has used my blog in big ways in other people's lives! And I praise Him for that!

But what about when my baby comes? Will I really want to post pictures of him/her on here? Of course I will, but should I? What do you think? If you have a public blog would you? Or do you? Do you ever worry about it?

Should I set my blog to private? Or send pics of my baby via email to those who read and want to see? I feel torn :-( I don't want to have to close off my blog, but I also want to be careful and protect our family.

What are your thoughts?

Leslie was matched!!!!!

My friend Leslie was matched yesterday!!! She started 1 week before us!! I am so so so so so so so (did I mention So?) happy for them! It feels very unreal to me bc I know should assume we won't be far behind, but yet I feel like of course it's happened to them, but I still can't imagine it happening for us! I mean I know it will, I just can't even imagine!

I know they're floating on cloud nine, and their baby is due 12/24! So best Christmas present ever! I hope he/she comes early! :-)

Anyways, I had to share the awesome news I got from my friend yesterday!

I'm driving myself crazy!!!

I swear everyday I keep changing my mind about how I want to paint the nursery!! And each time I'm just sure of what I want to do!

It's really only been three different ways, but I'm not use to changing my mind so much! I 'm a very decisive person, I don't often hm and ha over decisions! :(

I wish I could just paint the room with my imagination so I'd know exactly how I'd want it!

I need my mom!!!

This is what I do...

I am a planner by nature.. so when I know that a baby WILL be coming.. at SOME POINT, I plan for it :-) So here is what I've got!

Super cute love of my life diaper bag, $20 walmart

Close up...

Here is our crib all put together. Nothing really exciting.

My brand new diaper genie w/refills $10 craigslist

My 6 brand new avent bottles $5 craigslist

My in perfect condition eddie bauer high chair $50 craigslist

I think it's so cute in my kitchen :-)

I love love love this little sweater! $1 garage sale :-)

super fun toy for baby when he/she can sit up and play $8 garage sale.

Brand new REI snowsuit!! $5 garage sale :-)

I can't help it! I love a good deal :-)

Praying for my baby.

I know our adoption journey hasn't been long (4 weeks today).. but since the moment we decided to adopt, I started praying for our baby, for the birthmom, for her salvation.. for everything about this baby that's meant to be ours!

I use to wonder if praying for our child would come naturally to me, I worried I wouldn't do it "Enough"... but I have no doubt it is 100% natural for me to be constantly lifting my baby up to God.

So this morning as I was waking up, I was praying... must have started in my sleep? I guess so. Anyways, I heard myself (in my head) pray for "her". And I didn't just do it once! It wasn't until I was completely awake that I had to stop myself from praying for "her"!! So now I wonder, did I have some sort of prophetic vision on my sleep? :-)

Homestudy complete!

We are so happy that it's done and now we can TRULY be waiting for our baby! We actually really enjoyed doing it and it was very laid back! I was glad it wasn't uptight.. for so many reasons. I feel like we shouldn't have to jump through special hoops to have a baby just beacuse we can't conceive one on our own. I understand why we must, but I just didn't want it to get carried away. And it didn't!

Now we just wait until they match us with someone/a Bmom picks us!

Our agency assists in the matching process, they decide who they think we'll fit with and then show those specific Bmom's our profile (so we don't sit in a book waiting to be picked)... so really we just wait until the right person is ready to view our profile! Also our agency doesn't like to match too early in the pregnancy so we might sit and wait a few months just to match in the 8th month.. that kind of thing.

So we'll see!!!!

Our new website!

My sister and I just got a new website and it's awesome :-) check it out!!

New Site

my "friend" Leslie...

So I have this friend. I am well aware of the fact that we have never met, but she is still my friend nonetheless. We email MANY times a day, we've spoken on the phone, we've rejoiced and grieved with one another and she is a sister in Christ.

In my book, that means she's my friend.

We're adopting through the same agency but we "met" online through an IF forum. So we've "known" each other since January.

She is a doll and I praise God that we're going through this adoption procses together! It's so nice to have someone to work through it with! And we're only at the beginning. She was kind enough to share the agency info with me and allow me into her competition! And I praise God for her willingness to do so! We started this process just one week after her, so we're pretty much on the same page! :-)

She lives pretty close to our agency so when we go to pick up our baby (out of state) we will be meeting her then! And possibly before if we make a seperate trip.

But for now, she is my friend and I love having her "around" :-)

I KNOW God will provide...

I know this. I do. But sometimes I still worry. Today was sort of a breaking point for me. I'm starting to worry financially. Truth be told, this is nothing Joey and I have ever really dealt with. We've always had plenty and we've traveled and shopped and done what we've wanted. But that might change. And I'm okay with it, as long as we have enough to get by.

When I started doing wedding videos 3 years ago, I knew that it was from God. And I always said (and believed) that if God stopped bringing in the weddings, He would provide in another way. Well here we are three years later and I have the fewest bookings for next year I ever have. Everyone says it's still early, and I have time. And they're probably right. But It's still weighing heavy on me.

The good news is that Joey will start getting paid (WOO HOOO) in June. And his income should be enough to get by. And I'm praying that it is. I would love nothing more than to do a few weddings throughout the year and just be home full time with our baby. But I don't want to not be able to afford the bills either, especially with the added one for the adoption.

Joey is home this morning (works tonight) and we were praying about it this morning, which really helped. I need to remember that God is so much bigger than a few bills a month, and the number of weddings I get a year. He is bigger than all of this, and I know he will provide. I need to just stop letting the enemy lie to me and lead me to believe otherwise.

Will we ever stop grieving?

I have not been sad once since we decided to adopt (3 weeks ago today). Which has been beautiful! Just beautiful.

Until today.

I suddenly realized that I am still sad that I might not carry a child, or that at least we might not conceive without spending loads of money and having another person (or two) in the room!

I suddenly realized that I feel bitter towards the girl who got pregnant on her honeymoon and is now complaining that she's sick.

I suddenly realized that until I know my baby, and have him/her in my arms. I might always feel this way.

I suddenly realized that even after I have my baby, I still might grieve this loss.

Today I feel sad. I wish I didn't, and I'm not exactly surprised. I knew it would happen. I just didn't know when.

It has happened today. I feel sad for the loss I am experiencing.

We are out of control! :-)

So tonight we're going to pick up our awesome high chair (see post below), and brand new diaper genie for $10 and Joey comes home from work with our awesome stroller/carseat combo! What a doll :-) This baby stuff is so much fun and I'm so glad for craigslist, but are we crazy??! :-)

Homestudy scheduled!

By Monday both of our visits will be complete :-) Then we can start the waiting to be matched!!

My good finds :-)

Here are some things we've bought on craigslist this week:

Instep Duo cruiser (stroller/bike trailer) retailed: $200+ we got it for $50!



Haven't picked up yet, but Eddie Bauer high chair. Retailed $120 craigslist: $40



Evenflo exersaucer. Retail: $60 craiglist (plus matt up above) $20

Here is our crib from Babies R us: It shipped yesterday!!

Pictures of us!

My wonderful and talented sister-in-law took these pics of us to add to our adoption profile! Just had to share :-)

a 4 yrd old on pregnancy and adoption

My niece, Ella, is 4 1/2. She is at this place where she wants to understand everything, which comes with a million questions! :-)

We have explained to her that I would be getting a baby, but it would grow in someone else's belly. She first wanted to know why we didn't just have a baby, so we explained that not everyone can have a baby.

So she later was asking my sister (who's pg with #4) why some people can have babies and other can't. My sister of course answered that we just don't know why that happens, but that sometimes people can take medicine to help them get pregnant. My nieces response:

"Mommy, you must take a lot of medicine!"

LOL... so cute....

On a sidenote, we have our profile done and I am going to be printing it off soon and mailing it :-) Also yesterday was Joey's 26th birthday and we had the best day together!!

More baby stuff!

This week we bought a rocker! Friends of ours have the same one and love it! And it was 60% off so we couldn't resist!!! It's still in our garage, but if I can get my act together enough to clean my office, we can bring it in :-)

Tonight I am going to pick up a crib mattress! Love Craigslist. and it's right down the road!

So exciting!!

Help! I've lost your blog!!

So all my favorites went missing and I now have none of my regular blogs that I read (about 15 total). If I read and comment on your blog, will you please post it here or email me: rachel32004@msn.com

THANKS!

I bought baby stuff yesterday!

My mom and I went shopping and I just wanted to look, but I couldn't help it, I brought home a few trinkets for our nursery! First my mom bought me a baby blanket. It's so soft and beautiful, I wanted to sleep with it last night!

I also found a baby book, a children's book written for adopted children, and a stuffed animal! It was very healing to buy some stuff. Knowing it's for OUR baby. The baby we're praying for and know that God has picked out for us!

I can't wait to buy more! :-)

I'm back and I feel old. :-0

After spending 5 days with 13 - 100 pound, extra small, size zero girls, my voice is gone, my throat is sore, I'm completely exhausted, every muscle in my body hurts and I'm completely swamped with work. And I can't wait to go back next year! :-)

I love going to camp. I love it for so many reasons. however, while I'm only 24, my body disagrees with my delighting in the experience :-) But spending 5 days with 13 girls coming from all different walks of life, all believing different things and all needing to be loved in different ways is an amazing experience, one I hope to do for the rest of my life.

God did such awesome things this week and I can honestly say I think it was one of the best camps ever! This was my 9th time taking kids to summer camp (7th with middle schoolers) and it was a beautiful experience. I really bonded with so many of the girls and they were so open and honest with their experiences and questions. The ones who've excepted Christ really grew, and the ones still considering it, were really stretched. The seed has been planted and now it just will take time and watering. :-)

I will be starting a campaigner group with these girls (aka a younglife bible study) and I'm really excited for that. They're a critical age where they really need someone outside of a parent to be walking with them through life and faith and decisions etc.

So that's that!

About the adoption, we're sending in the final application today and scheduling our first homestudy visit. We got some more questions answered as far as things we needed to know about the agency before taking the next step. But we're feeling great about it still!! My girls were all so cute, wanting to talk about names and babysitting and showers :-)

And a quick note, yesterday when on the phone with Joey, he told me he picked up new windows for "the babies' room". It was like music to my ears! He's so cautious about everything that I couldn't even believe he called it that! My heart melted and I just know he is the perfect man for me to walk this journey with and I couldn't be anymore blessed!

Out of town..

Hey everyone, I'll be going to camp with my awesome middle school wyldlifers (see younglife.org for info!) and will be back Friday! :-)

I'm going to be a MOM!!!!!!!!!!!

Today I let myself wander into dangerous territory... or at least before today what would have been considered dangerous... I let myself imagine being a MOMMY!!!!!

It was amazing and beautiful and encouraging and inspiring and breathtaking and I know all straight from God! He has brought me to this place where my desire for becoming a mommy has completely changed. I no longer care where my baby comes from, who it comes from, what color it is, if it shares my genes etc... I just want to be a mommy and make my wonderful husband a daddy!! In whatever way He chooses to allow that to happen!

I choked back tears today SO MANY times simply because I am in such awe of the journey we're embarking on!

Today everywhere I went, my head was filled with babies, and finally in a good way, not a sad way!!! I walked down my parents stairs to their basement and saw all their toys for the kids and felt God paint me a picture of my own baby laying there playing with them, with all the other kids in our family around. And I realized, this baby that will be born of another woman's womb, will become apart of our family, our heritage! Everything we have will become his/hers! This baby won't just be ours, it will be apart of our whole family!

Later I saw a mom pushing a stroller with a baby in it and for ONCE I got to imagine what that will be like for me to do that! I felt like I could see my own baby in that stroller! I even started looking at cribs online and measuring under the window in the nursery (gasp!) to see how tall the crib could be to still fit! It all feels so surreal!

It was a beautiful day filled with so many painted pictures. Pictures that I will cherish forever!

I just had to share :-)

Lord give us peace.

Lord, we know that adoption is very exciting and yet very scary at the same time! Father we ask for your peace through this process, that at every little decision we would come before you and await an answer. We want to walk down the path that is meant for us by YOU. We want YOUR will to be done.

Lord you know our immense desire for a baby, but above all our desire is you. Help NOTHING to come between that, and we pray that as we walk this path with you, we would know you are with us. We surrender this journey to you Father, and we admit our weaknesses, we admit our desire to want to control things in our own timing and own ways, and we ask you to remove those from us and replace them complete faith in YOUR ways, in YOUR time.

Father we love you so much, and we thank you for your never ending love and faithfulness.

Amen.

So here's the plan...

Okay as you know Joey and I have been doing all sorts of research (well I have been) over the last few months to figure out our plan in case we didn't get pg. Well now with the news about Joey's sperm and us not wanting to pursue ICSI ($20k a try) we're moving onto adoption.

Colombia was our first choice, but that has not worked out so we're doing domestic. We are submitting the application today and the homestudy paperwork tomorrow!! We are so thrilled to be moving in this direction! Next step, we need to get a massive loan :-) but that paperwork is on it's way to us too! Lots of paper involved in getting a baby!

We've been pretty sure of what we'd do, but until we were ready to mail in the app, we didn't want to speek up quite yet!

BFN

I want to thank all of you have been praying and waiting so diligenty with us through this process. Unfortunately I am not pregnant. We have decided to put things on hold for a while as we found out the bad news about Joey's sperm and are not quite sure where that leaves us. We're not 100% certain of our plan, but it probably will include adoption.

I will keep you posted.

Thank you so much.

Bad news about Colombia...

So the country we were hoping to adopt from has had some recent changes in the laws about adoption to foreigners. As things once seemed so perfect, they don't at all now. The wait for an infant is 2-3 years! I'm sure it's less for some, but we don't want to take that chance. I think we're back to domestic adoption.

But we'll see!

Pls pray for me, I feel miserable.

I don't know what's going on with my body, but the last three nights I have had VERY intense cramping all through the evening, night and morning. Last night they were waking me up they hurt so bad! So I think it could mean 1 of 2 things.

1. I'm getting my period and my body which normally cramps bad enough, is cramping all the more bc I'm sluffing two eggs (which would be weird bc they're so small!) but when I O'd 2 eggs the pain was very intense.

2. I'm pregnant and even though I've gotten two BFN's, I still am.

Either way I don't feel well and I want it to stop. I'd love to take a midol, but I don't dare take anything until I find out tomorrow.

I can feel AF coming...

I just imagine she's right around the corner.... :-(

HURRAYY!!!!

Okay I am ecstatic (yes much different than previous post). I touched base with the woman at the agency we plan on going with to adopt from Colombia and she said only one of us needs to be 25 to adopt!!!!!!!!! So we don't have to wait until March! Praise GOD :-) So after Wed if we're not pregnant we will be officially on the adoption train!! I'm so thrilled, I cannot wait to bring our beautiful baby home!

Really sucky day.

Joey and I have both just had really bad days. We're both just so sad. We're so ready to be done with this, we're so ready to be parents, and now it just feels like one huge road block shoved in front of us. We're both SO excited about possibly adopting from Colombia, and we agreed that after wed if we're not pregnant that we'll start the paperwork (yeah!) BUT we still have to wait until my 25th birthday (8 months) to send the paperwok to Colombia, so we're just sad that we just know the whole process is going to take forever, and we already feel like we've been waiting forever.

Please pray for us, we're so ready to be parents and we just are so unsure of when that will happen.

Thanks.

Hold the phone, we might have MALE FACTOR?!?!?

Okay, I got a call today from the dr's office saying Joey needs to have a SPA (no, not a luxury day filled with mud baths and cucumbers...). It's a sperm penetration assay, it will let them know if his sperm can penetrate an egg. They actually mix male sperm with hamster eggs (yes you read that right) to see if or how many are able to penetrate. Then they can properly send you to the correct treatments. Don't worry, the egg can't further develop with human sperm in it so we won't have little half Joey's half hamsters running around! (I'm not really ready to commit to another animal anyway right now.)

Moving on...here's the thing, we were told (by the Cambridge clinic) that Joey has fantastic sperm... but apparently after our RE's office getting their hands on it for the IUI, they saw abnormalities... something like 4% instead of 10% desired morph. (These #'s don't mean much to me, I might have them wrong).

Like an idiot I called Joey right away at work to tell him to schedule the test (he will need to do it ASAP so if IUI#1 fails, we'll know weather to proceed with IUI#2 or not). Well I forget that people who don't work in their pj's all day at home, might not like getting "Bad" news while at work. I think he's feeling very frustrated and was told that our Dr would call him personally so they could discuss it.

I personally don't feel too moved by the news, I actually felt a twinge of relief knowing what the problem might be! Of course if there are issues, we'll know that IUI's will be a waste of our time, so we'd probably turn to adoption earlier... but still I think this will be hard on Joey.

All I know is that if we had found this out 4 months ago, I might not have dealt with it very well. I might have felt frustrated at Joey that we weren't getting pregnant. And of course I would never want him to feel blame! So I praise God that He brought me to this place before He might be revealing this news to us.

I'm hoping he can schedule the appt for either tomorrow or Monday because they have to hold the sperm for 3 days before the perform the test.

Anyways, that's our update!

I have a pimple!!! :-)

Okay I'm trying not to get my hopes up, but I woke up this morning (6dpiui) and I had a big ole pimple smiling back at me in the mirror! You must be thinking you've read this wrong? Yes? Well no you haven't! I am very excited about the pimple because I NEVER get pimples until a day or two before my period, not a whole week! So it could be something else! :-)

Who knows, we'll see!

Did I read that right????

So I finally starated getting explanations of benefits for the stuff we've been doing with the RE for the last two months. And I can't believe my eyes...we aren't paying anything in FULL!?!?!?!?!?!?!
It's not that our insurance is covering anything, but they have made some sort of arrangement with Health Partners (who we've never used before) that says since we're self pay the clinic can only charge a certain amount for certain things. For instance my $1400 HSG is only $231!!!!! It feels like a miracle!! Other things that were $250 are now $170 and so on... I can't even belive it! I've been thanking God over and over for this gift! We never expected it but we'll take it!!

Thanks for letting me share!

Oh and quick update, Joey told me go ahead and call about the baby situation (I think to satisfy me)... I did and after a half hour conversation with the attorney about it, I prayed about it all day and at the end of the day, I knew it wasn't for us. When he came home and I told him all about it, it was so wonderful to know that in the end, we agreed and were on the same page!

My husband the dream killer...

So here's the thing about Joey and I. We're very different. I realize this. I always have. Over the course of our marriage I have tried to adapt myself to being sensitive about the differences, in his favor. I'm sure he's the same way, but sometimes it doesn't feel that way.

So through this 2 week wait, I've been trying to keep myself busy thinking about anything other than the fact that I'm waiting in agony to find out if I'm pregnant. So I've been looking at real estate online and making dinner dates with friends (not one open night this week) And today I come across an available baby situation where the woman is due in January. A woman on an adoption forum I am on had the place she adopted her baby from (A private firm, not a normal adoption agency) contact her about a baby for adoption seeing if she knew of anyone interested. The couple is both willing to consent for the adoption and the baby is due in January... I mention this (ever so casually to Joey, as necessary) and he was all weird about it. Not that I'm surprised, but I just asked if we could consider giving the agency a call to look into it IF our IUI failed. He was all weird again about it... he can't think about that and this, he just needs to focus on this IUI or the next one yada yada yada.

So I stop talking about it. I respect the fact the fact that he is completely different than I and can't (ie doesn't want to) talk about exciting possibilities in the future. But here's the thing: I almost NEED to talk about exciting things in the future in order not to go crazy about the things in the present. I need to fill my head with other things so I don't go crazy with disappointment if for some reason we aren't pregnant.

It's so frustrating. I'm not asking him to commit to anything. I'm not asking him to be ready for adoption. I'm not asking anything other than him possibly, maybe just maybe being willing to let me call and see about the adoption if next wed comes around and we're not pregnant. And he can't even talk about it.

It's like there are times that we can only do what he wants to do. It seems it doesn't matter what I feel like I need to do as self preservation. Can't we possibly find a common ground to self preserve ourselves together? He talks about the future of residency, or where we'll live or when we'll move, why can't we talk about this?

Doesn't he understand I just want to have a baby?! Doesn't he understand that I don't care if it's Black, Brown, Purple, Blue, Orange or Yellow, I just want a baby and I'm so afraid to wait YEARS to have one? That I'm so afraid everyone in my family will just continue to blossom their families while we sit empty armed. Doesn't he understand that?

Of course he does. I know he does. Because I know he feels the same way. It just doesn't feel like it when he seems to be the only one that gets to self preserve himself in the way he knows how. While I just get the brush off when I mention any little thing.

I'm just sad today. I don't know why, it just came out of know where.

I am a blog hog.

I know it. I'm sorry I post so often, but remember this is my journal as well and I know one day I will look back on these entries and will be reminded over and over again of the amazing things God has done in my life!

An internet friend posted a beautiful song on her blog and her reflections on it. I felt compelled to comment and I wanted to post my comment here:


"......I went through so many months where I was so sad and hurt and angry, all the time. But I knew God would bring me out of it, and He did.. as always promised. Now I feel I have a new faith, one that is so much more real than anything I ever had before. Just this morning on the way to my 2nd IUI, there was a praise song on the radio (don't even know what it was!) and I was praying and I was so overwhelemed with our Father's love and grace and the abundance of them that I couldn't even bring myself to ask for a baby. I knew right then and there that he has given me SO much more than I deserve and I have no choice but to simply praise him."

Back from round two

and PRAISE God I feel great!! I'm still laying in bed working, but I ran a few errands after the IUI, got Joey a gift (I'm so proud of him through this!) and now I'm back and working. I feel so good, just like a normal day! Crazy ha?

Thanks for all your prayers, I get to find out in just a week and a half so hopefully that time will fly!!

for the fertiles....

I know a lot of you are infertile :-( but there are still lots of fertiles who read my blog. So I'm posting this article (that is very well written) and asking you to seriously consider reading it and maybe even passing it on (I know it's long). Don't worry, this isn't based on your responses to me, but for others around you who might be struggling with IF.

Part of my desire for this blog is to hopefully to "educate" those who don't know much about IF. And since to fertiles getting pregnant probably seems like the easiest task in the world, many times people don't really think before they speak to an IF about the problem.

So if you wouldn't mind reading this and passing it on to your other fertile friends I would really appreciate it!

Thanks.

CLICK HERE FOR ARTICLE

I'm back and filled to the brim :-)

I am so glad it's over though! It was anything but painfree.. at one point I was in such pain I almost yelped outloud, but I put on my big girl panties (figuratively of course as I was bearing it all out in the open) and stayed quiet. It was over quickly so that was good, but it left me feeling very exhausted. A few points on my drive home I was afraid I might pass out. But I talked to my sister most of the way so that helped!

But something funny happened on the way home, I was on the phone with Miss and this older man (probably mid 50's) was STARING at me in a way that left me feeling a bit violated! Anyways, so I was telling my sister and she said "you just say to him, I just got pregnant, so back off!" haha.. what a great attitude!

Anyways now I'm laying in bed working. I decided to bed rest myself because.. well because I can! So I have a whole little office set up on the bed for me!

I have another IUI tomorrow at 9:30 but I'm just enjoying laying down for now! I still feel a bit sick and I'm ready for that to wear off!

Oh and about the shot, my poor bum is still in a lot of pain!! When I was driving my stick shift, every time I had to use the clutch my butt cheek would flex and yikes it hurt! But that too will pass!

Did you need to see pictures?

I thought so!

Getting all ready. He looks like a dr in training doesn't he?

Does it look as big to you as it did to me?

He looks a bit creepy.... and excited!


Do I look ready?

haha, I just got a kick out of the fact that he wanted to take this pic!


And I should just say that Joey was really sweet, afterwards he was like "I'm so sorry I had to do that to you!" And told me he was really nervous, he didn't want to hurt me! :-) What a gem!

I keep thinking to myself "I feel like I have something to do tonight..."

And then I remember, I need to get a shot in my butt in about half an hour! I can't forget to do that :-)

Note to self. Bend over. Get shot.

I'm a ripe one!!

I had another u/s today and I'm good to go :-) Tonight I get the butt shot and tomorow I have an appt for IUI#1 at 9:45am and for round 2 on Friday at 9:30!!!

I can't wait, I'm so excited. Everyday I feel more and more hopeful, in the way I know God intended me to be. I'm trusting more and more that He has a beautiful plan for us.

I hope in a few weeks to deliver good news!!!

This has never happened before.

I just got a text from my sweet Joey that said:

"are you happy?"

I text back and said "I'm in love with you... I'm happy. Are you happy?"

He said "I'm nervous (About IUI not working)"

I said "It will work"

This is the first time in our IF trials that I have been the one to encourage him to have hope! I praise God that He's given me the hope in the first place (i've been asking for it!) and that I had it to share with my wonderful huband.

2 Beautiful follicles!!

I've never been so proud of my egg makers!! You go girls :-)

They were not quite big enough to be released, but hopefully soon!! they were 14 and 15 mm and they want them to be around 20mm. I have another u/s tomorrow so hopefully they'll have grown! We'll be doing 2 iui's which I didn't realize, so 2 eggs + 2 iui's = get us a baby!! :-)

UglyRachel

In case you haven't noticed I have another blog called ugly rachel.

There are lots of new photos so take a look!

It's never a good sign to wake up sad.

I don't know what happened, I woke up, called my sister (not sure why I did that just coming out of my slumber) and had a wierd conversation with her (my fault) and when I got off the phone, I just started bawling. Joey's been working so much, I have had like 2 hours with him all week, he works today and all through the week until 8 or 9 at night. His only day off is saturday, which is sucky cuz that's the only day I'm gone all day :-(

I went to church and it was good, but I felt kind of in a cloud. There were so many babies around me. I feel like EVERYONE in my church got pregnant like the same day. Because there are what feels like a MILLION babies the exact same age all around me. And seeing all the babies wasn't even that sad. I left church feeling fine, but now as I sit in my house, all alone, with my dog (who isn't even by me!) I feel sad again. And now thinking of the babies makes my heart hurt. I just want this to go away.

I'm going to Tucker's 1st birthday party today and I hope I do okay. Since I had a wierd conversation with my sister this morning and I've felt so sad, I just hope I can keep it together.

I was going to haveTate (3) spend the night with me, but I honestly just need to see how I feel. I might not be up to it tonight.

We'll see..

I feel like a new person!

It's no surprise to those who know me that when God gets His hands on me, He works quickly in my life. He always has! I know that this IF process hasn't exactly been quick, but it wasn't until January that I really started dealing with it. And I KNOW that God has done a complete 180 in my life since then! I feel like a new person! And I like this person better :-).

A friend recently asked me what I felt God wanted to do with me through this infertility. This was my response:

***********************************************

i think it's all about the the things he's teaching me along the way. I honestly don't think it has much to do with the end result at all, as much as the ways i'm growing along journey.

i used to have a faith that looked rock solid.. i even believed it was.. most days. But I still knew deep down it could be shattered if I didn't like the path God took me. I knew that and it was my biggest fear. Through this, He has shown me my faith WON'T shatter, because He is stronger than I and He will hold me up when I need him.

I have never felt so intune with God. I hear him constantly, and I've seen the rewards of following his instructions first hand. It's amazing!

i'm a third child and I have this thing inside me that knows how to make a situation seem the way I want it, or go the way I want it... I can make things happen, which can be a good thing, but it can be a bad thing too. God has shown me in a huge way that I CAN'T and SHOULDN'T control all things. Only HE is the One who knows the answers and plans, and that I need to let go of that part of me and trust him. I am His and His alone.

and TRULY in a way I've never known before, His grace is sufficient for me.

I found out My sister is pregnant with her fourth child. it was the lowest blow I EVER imagined possible during this journey. And yet I can't even begin to explain all the healing I know has taken place in my heart in just a few weeks.

I'm just a different person, I have a new attitude, new perspective and a new faith. And even when Infertility ends, I know the teaching will just continue. Maybe not as concentrated as during this time, but God's been doing some real work at the core, and that won't change. And I wouldn't want it to.

**************************************************************
God has done more things in my life than I EVER imagined possible... in such a short period of time! He brought me to this place where I know without a doubt I will never leave His side and He will never leave mine! I don't know what our future holds for us, I don't know when a baby will be a part of our lives, but that's not what this is about. Not at all.

THANK YOU MAE!

There is this amazing Christian woman who is going through the adoption process who is my new internet friend.

I was talking about my frustrations that Joey can't get excited about adoption until we're faced with that decision, because it squashes his hope. Whereas I have MORE hope thinking of adoption because it's an exciting option if the IUI's fail.

This was her response to me. What an amazing woman.

*****************************************************

Your God will lead you both down the same path when you are meant to travel it. Together. Have faith in that. You each want a bio child, you long for one, you crave the experience. Joey is still 100% committed to that path and for self preservation, focus and/or emotional stability, he can only walk that one path right now. It doesn't mean that he won't be able to take the fork in the road once he comes to it, it just means that you may have gotten there slightly ahead of him. You may even be straddling both at once! Women are known as the multi-taskers after all ; ) Again I say, your God will lead you both down the same path when you are meant to travel it. Together.

Take faith and comfort in the fact that no matter what happens with the IUI's, you and Joey WILL be parents. You will be a Mother. He will be a Father. You will have children.

And that IS exciting!!!!

That's the wonderful and beautiful thing about adoption. It's not an if. It's a when. God WILL bring you the children that you are meant to have. You know this already, but sometimes it is nice to hear : )

holy emotions batman!

Well I've heard clomid can be a doozy for people. Here I am one day down (reminder must take 2nd days in 40 minutes) and I can feel it! :-( I've had a massive headache all day, compliments of clomid, I just about burst into tears on the phone with my dad for no reason, compliments of clomid, and just a few moments ago I felt a bout of anger coming on (again for no reason). Wanna guess compliments of who?

Clomid.

I can't wait until I'm done taking this. I hope this week goes by quickly, I'm tired and crabby and sad (but still excited about Colombia!)...

oh my goodness adoption!

I cannot stop thinking about it! I know I should be focusing on the IUI, but I can't stop focusing on the beautiful children in these other countries who have no homes!! I've been researching and have found a country that I think suites us perfectly. I am waiting to hear back from a woman regarding some questions, but I am very impressed with what I see so far.

Am I crazy?!?!?!

A night with Mr. and Mrs. PG

Last night Joey and I went to Mr. and Mrs. Pg's house (names will be kept hidden to protect the one later named in the post as the pant pea-er). This was the first Mr. and Mrs. to get Pg since we "outed" our IF struggles back in January. This was a pregnancy that I especially struggled a great deal with. But through the grace of God Satan did NOT take this friendship and I hope that this process has actually strengthened it!

Anyways, so we got together with them and ate dinner and played games. It was a great night filled with DYING of laughter, peeing of the pants (Mrs. PG-7 months pregnant!) and more laughter (followed by more peeing of the pants)! It was such a great night. It was in fact the first time I've been with Mrs. Pg where I didn't cry afterwards. I KNOW that's from God. I KNOW that's a sign of how far He's brought me and that means I'm not as completely self focused as I was when this whole thing started!

I praise God for the place that He's brought this friendship and where He's brought MY heart!

The feeling of prodded ovaries...

I'm not going to lie, I've never been a big fan. A cold, hard jelly object pushing and prodding my inside lady parts. It's less than desirable or comfortable.

But that's what's needed.

So my ovaries are "quiet" and my lining looks good. I start clomid tomorrow through saturday and next Tuesday we'll do the same thing again, but hopefully they'll say I'm good to trigger and be fertalized :-)

So that's the update.

Oh and I should add that my stomache has felt upset since the appt and I feel like I have scrambled eggs (yes pun intended)! hahaha, I think I'm so funny :-)

I'm definitely going to need Chinese food.

After I showered I sobbed and sobbed on Joey. I just feel so defeated. It's official, we can't do this on our own.

You'd think after 19, or 20 or 21 cycles I would know that, but apparently I needed just that many to let it sink in. I just feel so sad. There is no more beauty in "trying to make a baby". There is no more naivity in finding out we're pregnant. We are now reduced to cold exam tables and test tubes. I know if we get pregnant through IUI it will be a beautiful thing, I know that. But the process is not the same.

Joey and I were thinking about going to a surprise birthday party for my uncle tonight. But I can't do it. I'm just so sad. I can't face a bunch of people who are happy with their lives and their children and their pregnancies. I can't face them when I'm so sad about my lack of all those things.

Chinese has habitually been my sad food in the past. I don't think tonight will be much different.

There she blows

Well my period came. I was hopeful this month that it wouldn't, I even had a HPT (home pregnancy test) ready for today, but instead of two pink lines on the HPT, I was greeted with.... well you know.

Anyways, I have made my appt for my baseline U/S (ultrasound) for Monday, then I'll start Clomid on Tuesday and that will go on for five days and then I'll get monitored until I'm good and ready for my eggs to pop! (or release, whatever). And we'll do the insemination. That will be 12-14 days from now. (after the onimous shot in my butt!)

I'm praying for a few eggs (and not just one) but NOT too many, or they'll cancel the whole cycle (which no, doesn't = a refund for the money spent). Anyways. I'm looking forward to this and believing that this fully could work, in a way I've never believed before.

I'M SO TIRED OF BEING INFERTILE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

That's it. No further text.

How do I feel today?

I'm not sure. I feel really conflicted in my heart. Part of me feels overwhelmed with the what ifs.

What if our IUI's don't work.
What if we have to move on to IVF? Can we afford it? Will we choose it?
What if we adopt, will I always mourn for a child from my womb?
What if we never have a child. What would that mean for our lives?
What if I never get through this, what if it's just going to be like this for the rest of my lives?

I know not all of those questions are rational, but it's hard to know what questions are realistic and which ones are not. I woke up this morning with international adoption on my heart. I've almost NEVER wanted to adopt internationally for the first one. But this morning it was there, staring me in the soul as I came out of my dream.

I started doing some research. Many countries have age restrictions and so many countries cost SO MUCH money. There are just so few that cost less than $30,000+ to adopt from. And then to sort out the ones that we qualify for. It's exhausting.

Anyways, that's still a ways away, we'll be doing the IUI's starting the protocol in just a few days (waiting for AF to arrive). And we're praying and believing these can work for us. So hopefully I don't have to consider alternatives until they come as a first time choice. But that's it. I don't want to think about this right now anymore. I have work to do. I'm feeling a bit behind from taking yesterday off. But I think I can manage, so if I make myself focus, I won't have to think about this anymore. Right?

We'll see.

The walk of doom...on the way to shot teaching class!

So Joey and I had an appt at CRM (center for reproductive medicine) today at 8am for a shot teaching class. We walk in right at 8 and the waiting room is plump full. Then a few seconds later a nurse comes and calls us to follow her and silently we all wisk away.

We walked down a few long winding hallways and I could hear the silence between the 5 couples get louder and louder and I couldn't help but think "this is what making a baby has come to. Going to a class with other married couples to learn how to get a shot (by your husband no other) in the butt."

And let me tell you, that needle was no tiny butterfly needle, it was the mother of all mothers!! Yikes.

Also, the nurse explained the area of the buttock we would receive the shot is thick skin and he need to apply a lot of "force" to get the needle in! *zoiks*

Now if there are words I don't like together (and I haven't given it much thought before today) but they are the words: giant needle, butt, husband, lots of force, thick skin... all in one sentence! *sigh*

All in the all the class went well but lets just say I'm not looking forward to this shot at all! Joey on the other hand, I think it quite excited about the endeavor! But I do hope we only have to do this once!