This is what I do...

I am a planner by nature.. so when I know that a baby WILL be coming.. at SOME POINT, I plan for it :-) So here is what I've got!

Super cute love of my life diaper bag, $20 walmart

Close up...

Here is our crib all put together. Nothing really exciting.

My brand new diaper genie w/refills $10 craigslist

My 6 brand new avent bottles $5 craigslist

My in perfect condition eddie bauer high chair $50 craigslist

I think it's so cute in my kitchen :-)

I love love love this little sweater! $1 garage sale :-)

super fun toy for baby when he/she can sit up and play $8 garage sale.

Brand new REI snowsuit!! $5 garage sale :-)

I can't help it! I love a good deal :-)

Praying for my baby.

I know our adoption journey hasn't been long (4 weeks today).. but since the moment we decided to adopt, I started praying for our baby, for the birthmom, for her salvation.. for everything about this baby that's meant to be ours!

I use to wonder if praying for our child would come naturally to me, I worried I wouldn't do it "Enough"... but I have no doubt it is 100% natural for me to be constantly lifting my baby up to God.

So this morning as I was waking up, I was praying... must have started in my sleep? I guess so. Anyways, I heard myself (in my head) pray for "her". And I didn't just do it once! It wasn't until I was completely awake that I had to stop myself from praying for "her"!! So now I wonder, did I have some sort of prophetic vision on my sleep? :-)

Homestudy complete!

We are so happy that it's done and now we can TRULY be waiting for our baby! We actually really enjoyed doing it and it was very laid back! I was glad it wasn't uptight.. for so many reasons. I feel like we shouldn't have to jump through special hoops to have a baby just beacuse we can't conceive one on our own. I understand why we must, but I just didn't want it to get carried away. And it didn't!

Now we just wait until they match us with someone/a Bmom picks us!

Our agency assists in the matching process, they decide who they think we'll fit with and then show those specific Bmom's our profile (so we don't sit in a book waiting to be picked)... so really we just wait until the right person is ready to view our profile! Also our agency doesn't like to match too early in the pregnancy so we might sit and wait a few months just to match in the 8th month.. that kind of thing.

So we'll see!!!!

Our new website!

My sister and I just got a new website and it's awesome :-) check it out!!

New Site

my "friend" Leslie...

So I have this friend. I am well aware of the fact that we have never met, but she is still my friend nonetheless. We email MANY times a day, we've spoken on the phone, we've rejoiced and grieved with one another and she is a sister in Christ.

In my book, that means she's my friend.

We're adopting through the same agency but we "met" online through an IF forum. So we've "known" each other since January.

She is a doll and I praise God that we're going through this adoption procses together! It's so nice to have someone to work through it with! And we're only at the beginning. She was kind enough to share the agency info with me and allow me into her competition! And I praise God for her willingness to do so! We started this process just one week after her, so we're pretty much on the same page! :-)

She lives pretty close to our agency so when we go to pick up our baby (out of state) we will be meeting her then! And possibly before if we make a seperate trip.

But for now, she is my friend and I love having her "around" :-)

I KNOW God will provide...

I know this. I do. But sometimes I still worry. Today was sort of a breaking point for me. I'm starting to worry financially. Truth be told, this is nothing Joey and I have ever really dealt with. We've always had plenty and we've traveled and shopped and done what we've wanted. But that might change. And I'm okay with it, as long as we have enough to get by.

When I started doing wedding videos 3 years ago, I knew that it was from God. And I always said (and believed) that if God stopped bringing in the weddings, He would provide in another way. Well here we are three years later and I have the fewest bookings for next year I ever have. Everyone says it's still early, and I have time. And they're probably right. But It's still weighing heavy on me.

The good news is that Joey will start getting paid (WOO HOOO) in June. And his income should be enough to get by. And I'm praying that it is. I would love nothing more than to do a few weddings throughout the year and just be home full time with our baby. But I don't want to not be able to afford the bills either, especially with the added one for the adoption.

Joey is home this morning (works tonight) and we were praying about it this morning, which really helped. I need to remember that God is so much bigger than a few bills a month, and the number of weddings I get a year. He is bigger than all of this, and I know he will provide. I need to just stop letting the enemy lie to me and lead me to believe otherwise.

Will we ever stop grieving?

I have not been sad once since we decided to adopt (3 weeks ago today). Which has been beautiful! Just beautiful.

Until today.

I suddenly realized that I am still sad that I might not carry a child, or that at least we might not conceive without spending loads of money and having another person (or two) in the room!

I suddenly realized that I feel bitter towards the girl who got pregnant on her honeymoon and is now complaining that she's sick.

I suddenly realized that until I know my baby, and have him/her in my arms. I might always feel this way.

I suddenly realized that even after I have my baby, I still might grieve this loss.

Today I feel sad. I wish I didn't, and I'm not exactly surprised. I knew it would happen. I just didn't know when.

It has happened today. I feel sad for the loss I am experiencing.

We are out of control! :-)

So tonight we're going to pick up our awesome high chair (see post below), and brand new diaper genie for $10 and Joey comes home from work with our awesome stroller/carseat combo! What a doll :-) This baby stuff is so much fun and I'm so glad for craigslist, but are we crazy??! :-)

Homestudy scheduled!

By Monday both of our visits will be complete :-) Then we can start the waiting to be matched!!

My good finds :-)

Here are some things we've bought on craigslist this week:

Instep Duo cruiser (stroller/bike trailer) retailed: $200+ we got it for $50!



Haven't picked up yet, but Eddie Bauer high chair. Retailed $120 craigslist: $40



Evenflo exersaucer. Retail: $60 craiglist (plus matt up above) $20

Here is our crib from Babies R us: It shipped yesterday!!

Pictures of us!

My wonderful and talented sister-in-law took these pics of us to add to our adoption profile! Just had to share :-)

a 4 yrd old on pregnancy and adoption

My niece, Ella, is 4 1/2. She is at this place where she wants to understand everything, which comes with a million questions! :-)

We have explained to her that I would be getting a baby, but it would grow in someone else's belly. She first wanted to know why we didn't just have a baby, so we explained that not everyone can have a baby.

So she later was asking my sister (who's pg with #4) why some people can have babies and other can't. My sister of course answered that we just don't know why that happens, but that sometimes people can take medicine to help them get pregnant. My nieces response:

"Mommy, you must take a lot of medicine!"

LOL... so cute....

On a sidenote, we have our profile done and I am going to be printing it off soon and mailing it :-) Also yesterday was Joey's 26th birthday and we had the best day together!!

More baby stuff!

This week we bought a rocker! Friends of ours have the same one and love it! And it was 60% off so we couldn't resist!!! It's still in our garage, but if I can get my act together enough to clean my office, we can bring it in :-)

Tonight I am going to pick up a crib mattress! Love Craigslist. and it's right down the road!

So exciting!!

Help! I've lost your blog!!

So all my favorites went missing and I now have none of my regular blogs that I read (about 15 total). If I read and comment on your blog, will you please post it here or email me: rachel32004@msn.com

THANKS!

I bought baby stuff yesterday!

My mom and I went shopping and I just wanted to look, but I couldn't help it, I brought home a few trinkets for our nursery! First my mom bought me a baby blanket. It's so soft and beautiful, I wanted to sleep with it last night!

I also found a baby book, a children's book written for adopted children, and a stuffed animal! It was very healing to buy some stuff. Knowing it's for OUR baby. The baby we're praying for and know that God has picked out for us!

I can't wait to buy more! :-)

I'm back and I feel old. :-0

After spending 5 days with 13 - 100 pound, extra small, size zero girls, my voice is gone, my throat is sore, I'm completely exhausted, every muscle in my body hurts and I'm completely swamped with work. And I can't wait to go back next year! :-)

I love going to camp. I love it for so many reasons. however, while I'm only 24, my body disagrees with my delighting in the experience :-) But spending 5 days with 13 girls coming from all different walks of life, all believing different things and all needing to be loved in different ways is an amazing experience, one I hope to do for the rest of my life.

God did such awesome things this week and I can honestly say I think it was one of the best camps ever! This was my 9th time taking kids to summer camp (7th with middle schoolers) and it was a beautiful experience. I really bonded with so many of the girls and they were so open and honest with their experiences and questions. The ones who've excepted Christ really grew, and the ones still considering it, were really stretched. The seed has been planted and now it just will take time and watering. :-)

I will be starting a campaigner group with these girls (aka a younglife bible study) and I'm really excited for that. They're a critical age where they really need someone outside of a parent to be walking with them through life and faith and decisions etc.

So that's that!

About the adoption, we're sending in the final application today and scheduling our first homestudy visit. We got some more questions answered as far as things we needed to know about the agency before taking the next step. But we're feeling great about it still!! My girls were all so cute, wanting to talk about names and babysitting and showers :-)

And a quick note, yesterday when on the phone with Joey, he told me he picked up new windows for "the babies' room". It was like music to my ears! He's so cautious about everything that I couldn't even believe he called it that! My heart melted and I just know he is the perfect man for me to walk this journey with and I couldn't be anymore blessed!

Out of town..

Hey everyone, I'll be going to camp with my awesome middle school wyldlifers (see younglife.org for info!) and will be back Friday! :-)

I'm going to be a MOM!!!!!!!!!!!

Today I let myself wander into dangerous territory... or at least before today what would have been considered dangerous... I let myself imagine being a MOMMY!!!!!

It was amazing and beautiful and encouraging and inspiring and breathtaking and I know all straight from God! He has brought me to this place where my desire for becoming a mommy has completely changed. I no longer care where my baby comes from, who it comes from, what color it is, if it shares my genes etc... I just want to be a mommy and make my wonderful husband a daddy!! In whatever way He chooses to allow that to happen!

I choked back tears today SO MANY times simply because I am in such awe of the journey we're embarking on!

Today everywhere I went, my head was filled with babies, and finally in a good way, not a sad way!!! I walked down my parents stairs to their basement and saw all their toys for the kids and felt God paint me a picture of my own baby laying there playing with them, with all the other kids in our family around. And I realized, this baby that will be born of another woman's womb, will become apart of our family, our heritage! Everything we have will become his/hers! This baby won't just be ours, it will be apart of our whole family!

Later I saw a mom pushing a stroller with a baby in it and for ONCE I got to imagine what that will be like for me to do that! I felt like I could see my own baby in that stroller! I even started looking at cribs online and measuring under the window in the nursery (gasp!) to see how tall the crib could be to still fit! It all feels so surreal!

It was a beautiful day filled with so many painted pictures. Pictures that I will cherish forever!

I just had to share :-)

Lord give us peace.

Lord, we know that adoption is very exciting and yet very scary at the same time! Father we ask for your peace through this process, that at every little decision we would come before you and await an answer. We want to walk down the path that is meant for us by YOU. We want YOUR will to be done.

Lord you know our immense desire for a baby, but above all our desire is you. Help NOTHING to come between that, and we pray that as we walk this path with you, we would know you are with us. We surrender this journey to you Father, and we admit our weaknesses, we admit our desire to want to control things in our own timing and own ways, and we ask you to remove those from us and replace them complete faith in YOUR ways, in YOUR time.

Father we love you so much, and we thank you for your never ending love and faithfulness.

Amen.

So here's the plan...

Okay as you know Joey and I have been doing all sorts of research (well I have been) over the last few months to figure out our plan in case we didn't get pg. Well now with the news about Joey's sperm and us not wanting to pursue ICSI ($20k a try) we're moving onto adoption.

Colombia was our first choice, but that has not worked out so we're doing domestic. We are submitting the application today and the homestudy paperwork tomorrow!! We are so thrilled to be moving in this direction! Next step, we need to get a massive loan :-) but that paperwork is on it's way to us too! Lots of paper involved in getting a baby!

We've been pretty sure of what we'd do, but until we were ready to mail in the app, we didn't want to speek up quite yet!

BFN

I want to thank all of you have been praying and waiting so diligenty with us through this process. Unfortunately I am not pregnant. We have decided to put things on hold for a while as we found out the bad news about Joey's sperm and are not quite sure where that leaves us. We're not 100% certain of our plan, but it probably will include adoption.

I will keep you posted.

Thank you so much.

Bad news about Colombia...

So the country we were hoping to adopt from has had some recent changes in the laws about adoption to foreigners. As things once seemed so perfect, they don't at all now. The wait for an infant is 2-3 years! I'm sure it's less for some, but we don't want to take that chance. I think we're back to domestic adoption.

But we'll see!

Pls pray for me, I feel miserable.

I don't know what's going on with my body, but the last three nights I have had VERY intense cramping all through the evening, night and morning. Last night they were waking me up they hurt so bad! So I think it could mean 1 of 2 things.

1. I'm getting my period and my body which normally cramps bad enough, is cramping all the more bc I'm sluffing two eggs (which would be weird bc they're so small!) but when I O'd 2 eggs the pain was very intense.

2. I'm pregnant and even though I've gotten two BFN's, I still am.

Either way I don't feel well and I want it to stop. I'd love to take a midol, but I don't dare take anything until I find out tomorrow.

I can feel AF coming...

I just imagine she's right around the corner.... :-(

HURRAYY!!!!

Okay I am ecstatic (yes much different than previous post). I touched base with the woman at the agency we plan on going with to adopt from Colombia and she said only one of us needs to be 25 to adopt!!!!!!!!! So we don't have to wait until March! Praise GOD :-) So after Wed if we're not pregnant we will be officially on the adoption train!! I'm so thrilled, I cannot wait to bring our beautiful baby home!

Really sucky day.

Joey and I have both just had really bad days. We're both just so sad. We're so ready to be done with this, we're so ready to be parents, and now it just feels like one huge road block shoved in front of us. We're both SO excited about possibly adopting from Colombia, and we agreed that after wed if we're not pregnant that we'll start the paperwork (yeah!) BUT we still have to wait until my 25th birthday (8 months) to send the paperwok to Colombia, so we're just sad that we just know the whole process is going to take forever, and we already feel like we've been waiting forever.

Please pray for us, we're so ready to be parents and we just are so unsure of when that will happen.

Thanks.

Hold the phone, we might have MALE FACTOR?!?!?

Okay, I got a call today from the dr's office saying Joey needs to have a SPA (no, not a luxury day filled with mud baths and cucumbers...). It's a sperm penetration assay, it will let them know if his sperm can penetrate an egg. They actually mix male sperm with hamster eggs (yes you read that right) to see if or how many are able to penetrate. Then they can properly send you to the correct treatments. Don't worry, the egg can't further develop with human sperm in it so we won't have little half Joey's half hamsters running around! (I'm not really ready to commit to another animal anyway right now.)

Moving on...here's the thing, we were told (by the Cambridge clinic) that Joey has fantastic sperm... but apparently after our RE's office getting their hands on it for the IUI, they saw abnormalities... something like 4% instead of 10% desired morph. (These #'s don't mean much to me, I might have them wrong).

Like an idiot I called Joey right away at work to tell him to schedule the test (he will need to do it ASAP so if IUI#1 fails, we'll know weather to proceed with IUI#2 or not). Well I forget that people who don't work in their pj's all day at home, might not like getting "Bad" news while at work. I think he's feeling very frustrated and was told that our Dr would call him personally so they could discuss it.

I personally don't feel too moved by the news, I actually felt a twinge of relief knowing what the problem might be! Of course if there are issues, we'll know that IUI's will be a waste of our time, so we'd probably turn to adoption earlier... but still I think this will be hard on Joey.

All I know is that if we had found this out 4 months ago, I might not have dealt with it very well. I might have felt frustrated at Joey that we weren't getting pregnant. And of course I would never want him to feel blame! So I praise God that He brought me to this place before He might be revealing this news to us.

I'm hoping he can schedule the appt for either tomorrow or Monday because they have to hold the sperm for 3 days before the perform the test.

Anyways, that's our update!

I have a pimple!!! :-)

Okay I'm trying not to get my hopes up, but I woke up this morning (6dpiui) and I had a big ole pimple smiling back at me in the mirror! You must be thinking you've read this wrong? Yes? Well no you haven't! I am very excited about the pimple because I NEVER get pimples until a day or two before my period, not a whole week! So it could be something else! :-)

Who knows, we'll see!

Did I read that right????

So I finally starated getting explanations of benefits for the stuff we've been doing with the RE for the last two months. And I can't believe my eyes...we aren't paying anything in FULL!?!?!?!?!?!?!
It's not that our insurance is covering anything, but they have made some sort of arrangement with Health Partners (who we've never used before) that says since we're self pay the clinic can only charge a certain amount for certain things. For instance my $1400 HSG is only $231!!!!! It feels like a miracle!! Other things that were $250 are now $170 and so on... I can't even belive it! I've been thanking God over and over for this gift! We never expected it but we'll take it!!

Thanks for letting me share!

Oh and quick update, Joey told me go ahead and call about the baby situation (I think to satisfy me)... I did and after a half hour conversation with the attorney about it, I prayed about it all day and at the end of the day, I knew it wasn't for us. When he came home and I told him all about it, it was so wonderful to know that in the end, we agreed and were on the same page!

My husband the dream killer...

So here's the thing about Joey and I. We're very different. I realize this. I always have. Over the course of our marriage I have tried to adapt myself to being sensitive about the differences, in his favor. I'm sure he's the same way, but sometimes it doesn't feel that way.

So through this 2 week wait, I've been trying to keep myself busy thinking about anything other than the fact that I'm waiting in agony to find out if I'm pregnant. So I've been looking at real estate online and making dinner dates with friends (not one open night this week) And today I come across an available baby situation where the woman is due in January. A woman on an adoption forum I am on had the place she adopted her baby from (A private firm, not a normal adoption agency) contact her about a baby for adoption seeing if she knew of anyone interested. The couple is both willing to consent for the adoption and the baby is due in January... I mention this (ever so casually to Joey, as necessary) and he was all weird about it. Not that I'm surprised, but I just asked if we could consider giving the agency a call to look into it IF our IUI failed. He was all weird again about it... he can't think about that and this, he just needs to focus on this IUI or the next one yada yada yada.

So I stop talking about it. I respect the fact the fact that he is completely different than I and can't (ie doesn't want to) talk about exciting possibilities in the future. But here's the thing: I almost NEED to talk about exciting things in the future in order not to go crazy about the things in the present. I need to fill my head with other things so I don't go crazy with disappointment if for some reason we aren't pregnant.

It's so frustrating. I'm not asking him to commit to anything. I'm not asking him to be ready for adoption. I'm not asking anything other than him possibly, maybe just maybe being willing to let me call and see about the adoption if next wed comes around and we're not pregnant. And he can't even talk about it.

It's like there are times that we can only do what he wants to do. It seems it doesn't matter what I feel like I need to do as self preservation. Can't we possibly find a common ground to self preserve ourselves together? He talks about the future of residency, or where we'll live or when we'll move, why can't we talk about this?

Doesn't he understand I just want to have a baby?! Doesn't he understand that I don't care if it's Black, Brown, Purple, Blue, Orange or Yellow, I just want a baby and I'm so afraid to wait YEARS to have one? That I'm so afraid everyone in my family will just continue to blossom their families while we sit empty armed. Doesn't he understand that?

Of course he does. I know he does. Because I know he feels the same way. It just doesn't feel like it when he seems to be the only one that gets to self preserve himself in the way he knows how. While I just get the brush off when I mention any little thing.

I'm just sad today. I don't know why, it just came out of know where.

I am a blog hog.

I know it. I'm sorry I post so often, but remember this is my journal as well and I know one day I will look back on these entries and will be reminded over and over again of the amazing things God has done in my life!

An internet friend posted a beautiful song on her blog and her reflections on it. I felt compelled to comment and I wanted to post my comment here:


"......I went through so many months where I was so sad and hurt and angry, all the time. But I knew God would bring me out of it, and He did.. as always promised. Now I feel I have a new faith, one that is so much more real than anything I ever had before. Just this morning on the way to my 2nd IUI, there was a praise song on the radio (don't even know what it was!) and I was praying and I was so overwhelemed with our Father's love and grace and the abundance of them that I couldn't even bring myself to ask for a baby. I knew right then and there that he has given me SO much more than I deserve and I have no choice but to simply praise him."

Back from round two

and PRAISE God I feel great!! I'm still laying in bed working, but I ran a few errands after the IUI, got Joey a gift (I'm so proud of him through this!) and now I'm back and working. I feel so good, just like a normal day! Crazy ha?

Thanks for all your prayers, I get to find out in just a week and a half so hopefully that time will fly!!

for the fertiles....

I know a lot of you are infertile :-( but there are still lots of fertiles who read my blog. So I'm posting this article (that is very well written) and asking you to seriously consider reading it and maybe even passing it on (I know it's long). Don't worry, this isn't based on your responses to me, but for others around you who might be struggling with IF.

Part of my desire for this blog is to hopefully to "educate" those who don't know much about IF. And since to fertiles getting pregnant probably seems like the easiest task in the world, many times people don't really think before they speak to an IF about the problem.

So if you wouldn't mind reading this and passing it on to your other fertile friends I would really appreciate it!

Thanks.

CLICK HERE FOR ARTICLE

I'm back and filled to the brim :-)

I am so glad it's over though! It was anything but painfree.. at one point I was in such pain I almost yelped outloud, but I put on my big girl panties (figuratively of course as I was bearing it all out in the open) and stayed quiet. It was over quickly so that was good, but it left me feeling very exhausted. A few points on my drive home I was afraid I might pass out. But I talked to my sister most of the way so that helped!

But something funny happened on the way home, I was on the phone with Miss and this older man (probably mid 50's) was STARING at me in a way that left me feeling a bit violated! Anyways, so I was telling my sister and she said "you just say to him, I just got pregnant, so back off!" haha.. what a great attitude!

Anyways now I'm laying in bed working. I decided to bed rest myself because.. well because I can! So I have a whole little office set up on the bed for me!

I have another IUI tomorrow at 9:30 but I'm just enjoying laying down for now! I still feel a bit sick and I'm ready for that to wear off!

Oh and about the shot, my poor bum is still in a lot of pain!! When I was driving my stick shift, every time I had to use the clutch my butt cheek would flex and yikes it hurt! But that too will pass!

Did you need to see pictures?

I thought so!

Getting all ready. He looks like a dr in training doesn't he?

Does it look as big to you as it did to me?

He looks a bit creepy.... and excited!


Do I look ready?

haha, I just got a kick out of the fact that he wanted to take this pic!


And I should just say that Joey was really sweet, afterwards he was like "I'm so sorry I had to do that to you!" And told me he was really nervous, he didn't want to hurt me! :-) What a gem!

I keep thinking to myself "I feel like I have something to do tonight..."

And then I remember, I need to get a shot in my butt in about half an hour! I can't forget to do that :-)

Note to self. Bend over. Get shot.

I'm a ripe one!!

I had another u/s today and I'm good to go :-) Tonight I get the butt shot and tomorow I have an appt for IUI#1 at 9:45am and for round 2 on Friday at 9:30!!!

I can't wait, I'm so excited. Everyday I feel more and more hopeful, in the way I know God intended me to be. I'm trusting more and more that He has a beautiful plan for us.

I hope in a few weeks to deliver good news!!!

This has never happened before.

I just got a text from my sweet Joey that said:

"are you happy?"

I text back and said "I'm in love with you... I'm happy. Are you happy?"

He said "I'm nervous (About IUI not working)"

I said "It will work"

This is the first time in our IF trials that I have been the one to encourage him to have hope! I praise God that He's given me the hope in the first place (i've been asking for it!) and that I had it to share with my wonderful huband.

2 Beautiful follicles!!

I've never been so proud of my egg makers!! You go girls :-)

They were not quite big enough to be released, but hopefully soon!! they were 14 and 15 mm and they want them to be around 20mm. I have another u/s tomorrow so hopefully they'll have grown! We'll be doing 2 iui's which I didn't realize, so 2 eggs + 2 iui's = get us a baby!! :-)

UglyRachel

In case you haven't noticed I have another blog called ugly rachel.

There are lots of new photos so take a look!

It's never a good sign to wake up sad.

I don't know what happened, I woke up, called my sister (not sure why I did that just coming out of my slumber) and had a wierd conversation with her (my fault) and when I got off the phone, I just started bawling. Joey's been working so much, I have had like 2 hours with him all week, he works today and all through the week until 8 or 9 at night. His only day off is saturday, which is sucky cuz that's the only day I'm gone all day :-(

I went to church and it was good, but I felt kind of in a cloud. There were so many babies around me. I feel like EVERYONE in my church got pregnant like the same day. Because there are what feels like a MILLION babies the exact same age all around me. And seeing all the babies wasn't even that sad. I left church feeling fine, but now as I sit in my house, all alone, with my dog (who isn't even by me!) I feel sad again. And now thinking of the babies makes my heart hurt. I just want this to go away.

I'm going to Tucker's 1st birthday party today and I hope I do okay. Since I had a wierd conversation with my sister this morning and I've felt so sad, I just hope I can keep it together.

I was going to haveTate (3) spend the night with me, but I honestly just need to see how I feel. I might not be up to it tonight.

We'll see..

I feel like a new person!

It's no surprise to those who know me that when God gets His hands on me, He works quickly in my life. He always has! I know that this IF process hasn't exactly been quick, but it wasn't until January that I really started dealing with it. And I KNOW that God has done a complete 180 in my life since then! I feel like a new person! And I like this person better :-).

A friend recently asked me what I felt God wanted to do with me through this infertility. This was my response:

***********************************************

i think it's all about the the things he's teaching me along the way. I honestly don't think it has much to do with the end result at all, as much as the ways i'm growing along journey.

i used to have a faith that looked rock solid.. i even believed it was.. most days. But I still knew deep down it could be shattered if I didn't like the path God took me. I knew that and it was my biggest fear. Through this, He has shown me my faith WON'T shatter, because He is stronger than I and He will hold me up when I need him.

I have never felt so intune with God. I hear him constantly, and I've seen the rewards of following his instructions first hand. It's amazing!

i'm a third child and I have this thing inside me that knows how to make a situation seem the way I want it, or go the way I want it... I can make things happen, which can be a good thing, but it can be a bad thing too. God has shown me in a huge way that I CAN'T and SHOULDN'T control all things. Only HE is the One who knows the answers and plans, and that I need to let go of that part of me and trust him. I am His and His alone.

and TRULY in a way I've never known before, His grace is sufficient for me.

I found out My sister is pregnant with her fourth child. it was the lowest blow I EVER imagined possible during this journey. And yet I can't even begin to explain all the healing I know has taken place in my heart in just a few weeks.

I'm just a different person, I have a new attitude, new perspective and a new faith. And even when Infertility ends, I know the teaching will just continue. Maybe not as concentrated as during this time, but God's been doing some real work at the core, and that won't change. And I wouldn't want it to.

**************************************************************
God has done more things in my life than I EVER imagined possible... in such a short period of time! He brought me to this place where I know without a doubt I will never leave His side and He will never leave mine! I don't know what our future holds for us, I don't know when a baby will be a part of our lives, but that's not what this is about. Not at all.

THANK YOU MAE!

There is this amazing Christian woman who is going through the adoption process who is my new internet friend.

I was talking about my frustrations that Joey can't get excited about adoption until we're faced with that decision, because it squashes his hope. Whereas I have MORE hope thinking of adoption because it's an exciting option if the IUI's fail.

This was her response to me. What an amazing woman.

*****************************************************

Your God will lead you both down the same path when you are meant to travel it. Together. Have faith in that. You each want a bio child, you long for one, you crave the experience. Joey is still 100% committed to that path and for self preservation, focus and/or emotional stability, he can only walk that one path right now. It doesn't mean that he won't be able to take the fork in the road once he comes to it, it just means that you may have gotten there slightly ahead of him. You may even be straddling both at once! Women are known as the multi-taskers after all ; ) Again I say, your God will lead you both down the same path when you are meant to travel it. Together.

Take faith and comfort in the fact that no matter what happens with the IUI's, you and Joey WILL be parents. You will be a Mother. He will be a Father. You will have children.

And that IS exciting!!!!

That's the wonderful and beautiful thing about adoption. It's not an if. It's a when. God WILL bring you the children that you are meant to have. You know this already, but sometimes it is nice to hear : )

holy emotions batman!

Well I've heard clomid can be a doozy for people. Here I am one day down (reminder must take 2nd days in 40 minutes) and I can feel it! :-( I've had a massive headache all day, compliments of clomid, I just about burst into tears on the phone with my dad for no reason, compliments of clomid, and just a few moments ago I felt a bout of anger coming on (again for no reason). Wanna guess compliments of who?

Clomid.

I can't wait until I'm done taking this. I hope this week goes by quickly, I'm tired and crabby and sad (but still excited about Colombia!)...

oh my goodness adoption!

I cannot stop thinking about it! I know I should be focusing on the IUI, but I can't stop focusing on the beautiful children in these other countries who have no homes!! I've been researching and have found a country that I think suites us perfectly. I am waiting to hear back from a woman regarding some questions, but I am very impressed with what I see so far.

Am I crazy?!?!?!

A night with Mr. and Mrs. PG

Last night Joey and I went to Mr. and Mrs. Pg's house (names will be kept hidden to protect the one later named in the post as the pant pea-er). This was the first Mr. and Mrs. to get Pg since we "outed" our IF struggles back in January. This was a pregnancy that I especially struggled a great deal with. But through the grace of God Satan did NOT take this friendship and I hope that this process has actually strengthened it!

Anyways, so we got together with them and ate dinner and played games. It was a great night filled with DYING of laughter, peeing of the pants (Mrs. PG-7 months pregnant!) and more laughter (followed by more peeing of the pants)! It was such a great night. It was in fact the first time I've been with Mrs. Pg where I didn't cry afterwards. I KNOW that's from God. I KNOW that's a sign of how far He's brought me and that means I'm not as completely self focused as I was when this whole thing started!

I praise God for the place that He's brought this friendship and where He's brought MY heart!

The feeling of prodded ovaries...

I'm not going to lie, I've never been a big fan. A cold, hard jelly object pushing and prodding my inside lady parts. It's less than desirable or comfortable.

But that's what's needed.

So my ovaries are "quiet" and my lining looks good. I start clomid tomorrow through saturday and next Tuesday we'll do the same thing again, but hopefully they'll say I'm good to trigger and be fertalized :-)

So that's the update.

Oh and I should add that my stomache has felt upset since the appt and I feel like I have scrambled eggs (yes pun intended)! hahaha, I think I'm so funny :-)

I'm definitely going to need Chinese food.

After I showered I sobbed and sobbed on Joey. I just feel so defeated. It's official, we can't do this on our own.

You'd think after 19, or 20 or 21 cycles I would know that, but apparently I needed just that many to let it sink in. I just feel so sad. There is no more beauty in "trying to make a baby". There is no more naivity in finding out we're pregnant. We are now reduced to cold exam tables and test tubes. I know if we get pregnant through IUI it will be a beautiful thing, I know that. But the process is not the same.

Joey and I were thinking about going to a surprise birthday party for my uncle tonight. But I can't do it. I'm just so sad. I can't face a bunch of people who are happy with their lives and their children and their pregnancies. I can't face them when I'm so sad about my lack of all those things.

Chinese has habitually been my sad food in the past. I don't think tonight will be much different.

There she blows

Well my period came. I was hopeful this month that it wouldn't, I even had a HPT (home pregnancy test) ready for today, but instead of two pink lines on the HPT, I was greeted with.... well you know.

Anyways, I have made my appt for my baseline U/S (ultrasound) for Monday, then I'll start Clomid on Tuesday and that will go on for five days and then I'll get monitored until I'm good and ready for my eggs to pop! (or release, whatever). And we'll do the insemination. That will be 12-14 days from now. (after the onimous shot in my butt!)

I'm praying for a few eggs (and not just one) but NOT too many, or they'll cancel the whole cycle (which no, doesn't = a refund for the money spent). Anyways. I'm looking forward to this and believing that this fully could work, in a way I've never believed before.

I'M SO TIRED OF BEING INFERTILE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

That's it. No further text.

How do I feel today?

I'm not sure. I feel really conflicted in my heart. Part of me feels overwhelmed with the what ifs.

What if our IUI's don't work.
What if we have to move on to IVF? Can we afford it? Will we choose it?
What if we adopt, will I always mourn for a child from my womb?
What if we never have a child. What would that mean for our lives?
What if I never get through this, what if it's just going to be like this for the rest of my lives?

I know not all of those questions are rational, but it's hard to know what questions are realistic and which ones are not. I woke up this morning with international adoption on my heart. I've almost NEVER wanted to adopt internationally for the first one. But this morning it was there, staring me in the soul as I came out of my dream.

I started doing some research. Many countries have age restrictions and so many countries cost SO MUCH money. There are just so few that cost less than $30,000+ to adopt from. And then to sort out the ones that we qualify for. It's exhausting.

Anyways, that's still a ways away, we'll be doing the IUI's starting the protocol in just a few days (waiting for AF to arrive). And we're praying and believing these can work for us. So hopefully I don't have to consider alternatives until they come as a first time choice. But that's it. I don't want to think about this right now anymore. I have work to do. I'm feeling a bit behind from taking yesterday off. But I think I can manage, so if I make myself focus, I won't have to think about this anymore. Right?

We'll see.

The walk of doom...on the way to shot teaching class!

So Joey and I had an appt at CRM (center for reproductive medicine) today at 8am for a shot teaching class. We walk in right at 8 and the waiting room is plump full. Then a few seconds later a nurse comes and calls us to follow her and silently we all wisk away.

We walked down a few long winding hallways and I could hear the silence between the 5 couples get louder and louder and I couldn't help but think "this is what making a baby has come to. Going to a class with other married couples to learn how to get a shot (by your husband no other) in the butt."

And let me tell you, that needle was no tiny butterfly needle, it was the mother of all mothers!! Yikes.

Also, the nurse explained the area of the buttock we would receive the shot is thick skin and he need to apply a lot of "force" to get the needle in! *zoiks*

Now if there are words I don't like together (and I haven't given it much thought before today) but they are the words: giant needle, butt, husband, lots of force, thick skin... all in one sentence! *sigh*

All in the all the class went well but lets just say I'm not looking forward to this shot at all! Joey on the other hand, I think it quite excited about the endeavor! But I do hope we only have to do this once!

I asked Him for healing, so I shouldn't be surprised!

Well my prayers last night went something like this:

"Lord, my flesh would desire to stay angry, and bitter, and sad about my sister. But I know better, and in my spirit, I know that I should only ask for healing on my heart. So that I may move past this and continue to love my sister with the love I always have (and more!). Here's the thing, I've been known to mess things up in the past (ie: push away my pregnant loved ones), and it's all the more crucial I don't do that with my sister, so I'm going to need this healing, like yesterday."

So that was last night, I shouldn't be surprised at all that the God who created me, the God who loves me more than life itself, the God who desires nothing more than for me to be in a relatioship with Him filled with love and worship, would allow me to heal over night. I don't doubt I will have emotional times where Satan will use my sister's pregnancy to attack me again. But for today, I have surrendered to Christ. He has given me a freedom from the bitterness my heart held within.

I am a new woman, and I love my sister with more of a Christ-like love than I ever knew possible. I admire her for the love and Grace she has shown me through this process. She has every right to have another child of her own and be excited with the news. Instead she sobbed when she told me and I could see the ache in her heart for me as she watched me receive the news. I am ashamed at how quickly I allowed Satan to defeat me with the news. But it's a good thing God works quickly in me!

I praise you Lord, you are an amazing Father who knows exactly what I need. I surrender this battle to you, you know the best for me and I know your plans are for good. Thank you for your never ending love for me. Thank you for the instant healing you have shown me.

And to my wonderful sister Melissa. I love you more than you know, I will NEVER stop loving you and I will love this child as if it were my own (unless you want to give it to me, in which case it WILL be my own!) JK. THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU for your constant prayers for me and constant support. While I can't understand how you can be so fertile while I remain UNfertile, that's another story :-) I guess I got the height, and you got the eggs! :-) I love you.

This video is straight from my heart

Click here to watch:

I would die for that

This is how infertility feels.

Recently I was trying to describe to a friend who has no interest in having children anytime soon how it feels to go through IF. I felt the need to paint a picture for her to better understand. I thought it was worth sharing.

*************************************************

You love your boyfriend (or fiance, or spouse), probably more than you can understand. You want to be with him all the time, you know how much you love him and need him in your life. But what if he wasn't here? He was somewhere that you couldn't contact him or connect with him. And you only had a chance ONCE a month to see if he was coming home to see you. You love him so much and are so ready to be with him that you can barely breath. Everywhere you look are people who get to be with those they love, getting engaged, planning a wedding, buying houses, starting their lives etc, but you can't seem to be with the one you love and no one can really tell you why!

So every month you're just sure it's going to be the month you get to see him. And yet month after month, you find out it's not the month, it's not "your time". People tell you "don't worry, it'll happen at the right time" "Just relax" or "Take a vacation". and all you want to scream is "It's time NOW! This is all I want, to be with this person I love, to spend my life with him, what do you know about the right time, are you God?!" but you don't, you smile and nod and say things like "yes, I know, God will provide, He'll take care of me (Which you do fully believe, but it doesn't always make it easier)". But it still doesn't make sense why everyone around you has their boyfriend, or husband, the love of their life with them day after day and you don't.

So month after month you wait, and month after month nothing. And you start to wonder if you'll ever see him again, if he'll ever be a part of your life like you've planned and hoped and wanted for so long. You're starting to lose hope. Now it's been almost two years, which is two years longer than you should have waited since no one else seems to have to wait that long. But you feel like you're dying inside, like you will drowned in tears if you have to wait another few months, or even possibly years to have to see him. But all you can do is wait. And that's what you do.

A poem from a nestie.

This is a poem written by a woman on my IF forum. She has an amazing talent and I wanted to share:

Stolen
By Sarah Aarssen

I'll never check the calendar smiling, thinking "hey I may be late".
I'll never suprise our parents with the news of their "grandparent" fate.
You've stolen all the joy that making a child is supposed to bring.
You've taken a beautiful moment and turned it into an ugly thing.

I'll never once experience the thrill of the three minute wait.
It's more like a tortured time, when one minute feels like eight.
I'll see there is no line and once again we'll have no child.
I'm bitter, angry and confused and that's to put it mild.

I had visions of telling my husband, a Dad you're soon to be.
To see the look upon his face, his hands on my belly.
We'll never argue over names or the colors for the room.
We'll never giggle over the little kicks that are coming from my womb.

You've taken from me a joy that I'll never get to know.
You've stolen what was rightfully mine, striking a sinking blow.
Why does this happen to me, to my love and to our life?
I didn't see this coming, "mother" belongs right after "wife".

Infertility is the theif that snuck into our lives.
Infertility steals the child from the husbands and the wives.
Infertilty should be a crime but the punishment is not it's own.
It belongs to the couples who suffer, whose child does not come home.

I survived the night. I didn't die of a broken heart.

Last night the worst thing happened. The ONE thing I told God I couldn't handle, the ONE thing I begged him to not let happen. The ONE thing I said I didn't think I could live through.

My sister is pregnant.

With her 4th child.

With her 2nd since we've been trying.

I honestly was surprised to wake up this morning, I can't believe my heart hasn't broken in two. I can't believe this is happening. I can't understand why God is allowing me to be tortured. Am I so unfit to be a mother? Am I so undeserving? If you love me LORD, then WHY!?!?! I don't understand. Not one bit of it. I don't understand.

Please be careful of the "helpful encouragement" you try to offer me. All I really need to hear is, "this sucks". I'm in a place where I might not accept it the way you intend it.

Thank you.

4th sextuplet has died

Click here for story

back from vaca and kitchen's complete!

Well I have a lot to write, but for now I will just brag about how awesome and finished our kitchen FINALLy looks! It's been a long month, but it's done!


* new appliances and hutch and white dishes!


new kitchen table, chairs and hutch.


new hutch! I am in love with this piece of furniture and my dishes!


new cabinets, counter tops, sink, faucet and pretty much everything on the counters!

Hit the road jack...

Well we're heading out tomorrow after my wedding for our vacation. I'll be back in a week!!

Rachel

A very somber post. 2 babies have died

Click Here

I do not even know how to pray for this poor family. Only our heavenly father can possibly know what they're going through, and how to comfort them.

Please remember to lift them up.

Should I change my name?

Lately I've been thinking of changing my name from

"Thoughts from the mind of MayDayGirl"
to
"Supersize me"

You know that's all I really want, to be huge and swollen and miserable and uncomfortable... and to be supersized!!! Is that too much to ask for?!?! (and of course I'll want my body back after nine months! :-)

What do you think? I'll take a vote!

Our house.. is a very very very fine house.

Well we still haven't gotten our cabinet for the kitchen and we're leaving for vacation in 2 days, but that's okay, we're living and it's great to be back in our own house!!

Here are some pictures of the process :-)


*taking off the huge ugly old medicine cabinet to put in the new cute one :-)


*Oops! there's a big hole in the wall! Guess we'll have to cover that up!


*fixed the hole in the wall (pre-new medicine cabinet)


* New appliances and new cabinets up above



*New cabinets (minus countertops, painted window, sink, missing cabinet!)


*Agh, fresh new white woodwork!


*old light fixure

*New light fixure

The result are in...

I had my HSG today, which wasn't overly painful, I had a lot of anxiety but I managed to stay relaxed. It was not comfortable at all and I had quite a bit of cramping, but then directly afterwards I went in the bathroom (5 feet away from the table) to change and I got really sick. I passed out a few times, and ended up laying on the disgusting hospital bathroom floor for like 10 minutes, I was clammy and sweaty and nauseous.. it was miserable. Finally after about an hour I felt back to normal, just drained from the whole thing! But my tubes were clear and my uteris looked "perfect" so I got an A from my dr :-) So now we try one last time naturally and then I start IUI next month!

Thanks for praying!

HSG today

Well, at 12:30 today I have my HSG (hysterosalpingogram) to make sure my uteris and fallopian tubes are clear and working.

My mom is going with me, but I'm a little nervous. This can be a very painful procedure, but hopefully will be quick! I will hear/see the results right away and I'm just praying for clear tubes. I don't know if we could afford the surgery or alternative treatments if they were blocked.

I'll keep you updated.

BM dresses and IF do NOT mix

Yesterday I ordered my bm dress for my SIL's wedding in October. So like any woman TTC, I ordered it 1 size too big, hoping I will squeeze nice and pregnantly (not a word, I'm sure) into it by October. However, the skeptical woman in me says, "you should have ordered it too small, then surely you'd be pregnant by then. Don't you know ordering it too big in preparation for being pregnant CURSES you!??!"

Now, I'm sure the Good Lord is upstairs rolling His eyes at me thinking "Rachel, you don't honestly believe a bm dress could POSSIBLY prevent you from getting pg do you? Haven't we come farther than that?" But I can't help it! It's so dumb, all these superstitions... like buying new expensive clothes will instantly make you pregnant, or buying tampons or dying your hair....

I know it's stupid. But I can't stop thinking about how if that dress has to be taken in because by October I'm not pregnant, I will be so sad. So miserably sad.

CODE:
BM = Bridesmaid (NOT bowel movement.. hee hee)
SIL= Sister-in-law (Jenny Williams)

Please pray for the Morrison 6

In case you haven't read/seen/heard the news, there is a young couple in MSP that gave birth on sunday to sextuplets. They were 22 weeks along. The odds of them surviving or having a "normal" life at 22 weeks are very slim. 22 weeks is just so early. Now I fully believe God's hand is completely over this situation and He is the God of miracles and He can do ANYTHING. And that's all the more reason this family needs as much prayer as possible! I couldn't hardly go to sleep last night as I couldn't stop praying for them. Please keep them in your prayers

morrison6.com

We don't know the condition of the babies, other than they're in critical condition. The family has not updated the media yet.

Thank you.

1 yr ago today...

Our very dear friends were blessed with two little bundles of joy! After struggling with IF for three years, God gave them 2 of the greatest gifts ever created, twin baby boys. These friends endured five artificial inseminations and IVF after IVF. Finally after their third try, they were pregnant! Now today we celebrate the first birthday of two of the cutest boys you will ever see!! They are truly a testiment of the love and faithfulness of our God and Savior!

HAPPY BIRTHDAY PEAS! (names are being kept out)

Rachel & Joey

New look, still me :-)

I'm still here, I just wanted a new fresh look!

very cool visual

To get a visual demonstration of how IUI and IVF work, click here. It will walk you through and show you the procses!

VERY NEAT. Thanks MSNBC!

Click Here

Exciting news (no I'm not pregnant)!!

A while ago I felt God was telling me to look for a support group either in my community or church that deals with infertility. Well little did I know (He knew I would run for my life if I
did!) He would eventually ask me to START and LEAD one at my church! This has been a long process that started back in March and I had NO intentions of starting, or leading anything!! EVER! But God has amazed me over and over again by making everything happen simply and smoothly and all in His perfect timing!

Finally after several months of planning and praying, an announcement will be going out in the bulletin at my church for this group. I know there are many people don't have the desire to share their IF struggles with others, but God has NEVER shown me more about His grace and love and blessings than when I "Came out" about our struggles. And my prayer is that others would have the chance to grasp some of the Joy I have experienced through this agonizing journey, even if only sharing with others going through the same thing.

I am VERY excited about this and I would love prayer for this group and for the women who might be fighting internally about joining the group simply because of shame or embarrassment. Satan would love nothing more! So we must pray!

Thanks for your continued support!

TOTAL Vent!!

So our cabinet that we're waiting for (to finish our kitchen) came in DAMAGED AGAIN! I'm so frustrated. It's not the end of the world, but now we have to live in our house for two weeks without a kitchen put together. There's tools and dust everywhere, so it'll be hard to "Set up house" like that. But oh well, I guess that's what we have to do!

Hopefully they compensate us for some of this.

4 years

I realized last night as I was drifting off to sleep that even if we were to get pregnant this month (and I have stopped playing that game... too draining) but if we were, we would be married four years before having a baby. So from here on, we have moved into the next year of our marriage. I used to wonder if we'd be married two years when we had a baby, and then three, and now four. We are nine months away from our four year anniversary. I just pray we'll have a baby within that four years, and not have to move onto five or six years.

I don't know why this makes me sad. There's nothing wrong with being married four years before having a baby. In fact it makes us all the more sturdy and ready. But still. This wasn't how we planned it. And that makes it hard.

Perfect words from Lamentations

I'm being a posthog today! sorry, but I had to share.

I got an email from a dear friend of mine from church who recently had her second (beautiful) child. She has a pure heart of a Godly woman and is full of compassion. While she hasn't been through IF, she suffered a terrible miscarriage in between her first and second child. She understands fully the pain and sorrow of not having the child that you desperately want to love.

She sent me a very encouraging email with these amazing verses at the end. I would assume it's from the message translation: Thank you Stacy.

Lamentations 3:21-33
21 But there's one other thing I remember, and remembering, I keep a grip on hope: 22 God's loyal love couldn't have run out, his merciful love couldn't have dried up. 23 They're created new every morning. How great your faithfulness! 24 I'm sticking with God (I say it over and over). He's all I've got left. 25 God proves to be good to the man who passionately waits, to the woman who diligently seeks. 26 It's a good thing to quietly hope, quietly hope for help from God. 27 It's a good thing when you're young to stick it out through the hard times. 28 When life is heavy and hard to take, go off by yourself. Enter the silence. 29 Bow in prayer. Don't ask questions: Wait for hope to appear. 30 Don't run from trouble. Take it full-face. The "worst" is never the worst. 31 Why? Because the Master won't ever walk out and fail to return. 32 If he works severely, he also works tenderly. His stockpiles of loyal love are immense. 33 He takes no pleasure in making life hard, in throwing roadblocks in the way...

Thank you Stacy.

IUI frequently asked questions

In case any of you are more interested in the process of IUI, here's a very easy read:

Click Here

Also, the success rates are anywhere from 6% to 25% a cycle. Rate for mutlipltes are 20-30%.

life

We're moving on friday, FINALLY! Our new cabinet hasn't come in yet, but hopefully it will by then so we can get our kitchen finished! I have such conflicting emotions about the move though. I am SO sad to leave Cambridge and my sister and her kids and all the time I get to spend with them. But I can't wait to live in my house again, and be closer to Bridgit and the boys, I feel like I hardly ever get to see them, which is hard. But I hate feeling like I'm giving up one set of kids for the other. Why can't we all just live close?!? It was the same way when we moved to cambridge.

Anyways, yesterday I had a blood draw to check my estrodial and FSH levels. I haven't heard anything so I assume they're normal. They said they would call if they weren't. I have my HSG scheduled for next wed at noon and my mom is going to go with me. I have heard they can be really painful and I feel like I have suffered enough pain (internally) to now subject myself to physical pain. But it's what I have to do. I just hope it isn't too painful because I'm a big baby :-(.

We had Ella and Tucker over last night to sleep with us. Tucker was over here on monday too :-) I love having them here. Tate was at Oran's so he'll have to come to our fridley house next time! It's so wonderful to wake up in the middle of the night, or bright and early to such a sweet adoring face. And the wonderful noises that come out of that child's mouth! It's all I want in our life. I sometimes wish I could just steal the babies :) But don't worry...I won't!

I'm doing all right today. I'm not crying or anything, but I just feel so down. I am ready to be pregnant and looking forward to life instead of worrying so much about never having that. I just don't like this.

We're going on vacation with my family next weekend for a week at a cabin in WI. I cannot wait! I hope it is so good for all of us, refreshing and relaxing. I can't wait!

ugh.

I have no other way to describe today. Ugh is the way I feel. But if you must know how "ugh" feels, then it feels: sad and tired, annoyed and crabby, poopy and sickly, mad, frustrated and again... sad. That's how "ugh" feels today.

AF came (as I knew she would) but it's still so stinken hard!! Both Joey and I were really sad last night. At least for me I'm in my body so I can tell when it's coming or if I *might* think I'm pregnant, but for him all he can do is hope, he doesn't have a clue what's going on inside of me.

So now we're on cycle #21. Ridiculous. Pitifully ridiculous. It is not suppose to take this long!

I have nothing positive to say today, I am just sad and mad.

I'm tired

We had a long weekend of working on our house and moving. We haven't completely moved in, but we've gotten a ton of the projects done at our house and most of our stuff is moved there. But I am tired and sore from painting all day on Sat.

In IF news we're still waiting (like normal). I'm 9dpo and I'm just waiting for AF to show up. When that happens I can schedule my b/w and HSG. If for some reason it doesn't come, then I get to POAS (pee on a stick). Judging by the way my body feels, I'm expecting AF.

If you need help with the above abreviations:

IF: Infertility
DPO: Days past ovulation
AF: aunt flo/menstrual cycle
B/w: Bloodwork
HSG: hysterosalpingogram
POAS: Pee on a stick

Nothing like packing to take your mind off sorrows

Man, I thought packing to move completely out of our house what hard!! NO WAY, this is way worse! We have so much junk shoved into this tiny little room in every single corner and empty space. I am throwing tons of stuff that I know I don't need to bring home with me, but I still feel guilty throwing away perfectly good stuff.... and the garage sale is already over :-)

But in the mean time it occupies my mind with other things.. hopefully this 2ww (2 week wait) will be over before I know it. I'm only on 4dpo (4 days past ovulation)!

Well hello tears, I haven't seen you in a while...

This has been an interesting week for me. Although I have a newfound hope with our plan moving forward, I still have cried several times this week, and not just a little, but a lot. I haven't really cried a ton in the last 2 months so 3 times in a few days is a lot!

I think for so long I have focused on getting pregnant and being pregnant. But lately I've let myself drift into the land of imagining motherhood and what I will be like with a baby and Joey as a daddy and what a void we really have in our life right now not having any children. Going down that road brings a new sadness in my heart. One I'm not sure I can handle, so I can't venture there often.

Don't get me wrong, I love the time Joey and I have together and have had for over 3 years now. But it's time. We have the hearts of parents and it's time to take the next step. There's no doubt about it, we are ready. And I believe we will be better parents because of it. Not better than the next guy, but better than we would have been had we gotten pregnant 2 years ago, or our first time trying. We will be better because we know what it means to fear not having a family and we will be more ready for it than we ever could have been before.

For that, I am thankful.

Update: We have a PLAN!!

We saw the RE yesterday and it went really well! We walked away with a plan, which we are so relieved about :-)

I am scheduled for a few blood tests and an HSG for this next cycle (sometime in June). The HSG is a fancy ultrasound that will make sure my tubes and uteris are clear and in working order.

We have been diagnosed with unexplained IF which means there's basically no reason for us not getting pregnant.

In July after the tests we will start Intra Uterine Inseminations (IUI) which are also known as artificial inseminiations. We are hoping the first one works but we can do really as many as we want.

These should really increase our chances of getting pregnant and since we have no known reasons for not "working" we're really praying these work!!!

Thanks for caring and praying.

Rachel & Joey

coincidence? I think not!!

Okay so we will be leaving in like two minutes for our first reproductive endocrynology (RE) appt!! But I have to share, so my sister and I had a garage sale yesterday and although it's not done, I took away $200 from it. Then I was given a gift of $100 for our appt today from someone very special to me (not sure I should share who?), then I got home and had a $85 rebate check from excel from the storm that left us powerless 21 months ago!!

All totaling: $385.

Guess how much our appt costs today (we have to pay upfront)? $385!! Wow. I hadn't even considered God would be so obvious in His ways! But I guess He is! Now I feel 100% at ease going to this appt. I believe that was His way of letting me know we're on the right track! :-)

Boo for bad insurance!

So I decided it was time for a reality check. I pulled out the fee schedule for our RE and added up what our initial testing was going to cost. $2997. Yep, and that doesn't count the $700 we've already spent with the OB. Too bad our money is going to be gone before we know it :-(

It would be so much cheaper to just get drunk and knocked up. I'm sorry, that was uncalled for, I'm just frustrated. :-/

2 days left!

We have less than two days until we're sitting in the dr's office for our two hour consultation. A friend advised me not to have any expectations of the visit, and I don't, but I am just so elated to get this going! I feel like we've wasted all this time trying on our own when it obviously isn't working! So getting the help we need is just one step closer to having a baby of our own!!

I also just have to point out to any of those who think, "trying is the fun part", please stop saying things like that. Trying is only fun for like a month, maybe two or three.. after that (and certainly after 20 months) it becomes a job: a tiring, straining, irritating, hard job. Don't get me wrong, we have a healthy sex life, but there is one time a month when it's not fun, no matter how much we want it to be, or pretend, it's still just a reminder of what isn't working for us when it seems to come so easily for everyone else.

Stepping off the soapbox now. (and I really apologize for being on it in the first place, but this is one of the HARDEST things to hear from a fertile person. If you haven't been there, you just can't know).

I'm crying over friends!

Wow, this day came out of no where, tears are flying everywhere!!

I'm laying bed watching friends and Chandler and Monica are at their adoption interview. There's a mix up and they end up lying about who they are. When they fess up the girl doesn't want to give them the baby anymore. Chandler tries to explain to the birth mom and he ends up trying to convince her to still give them the baby. His schpeel about why how he can't give his wife a baby and how he'll learn to be a good dad, but his wife is already a mother, just one without a baby, just threw me over, I just started bawling!!

I'm such a baby!!!

It wasn't suppose to be this hard.

That's it. It wasn't! You're suppose to decide you're ready for a baby, do the deed and get pregnant. Plain and simple (sorry to be a bit vulgar!).

You're not suppose to wait and hope and pray and cry for 20 months and still have no sign of being pregnant. And the decisions!!! They're endless: financial, emotional, spiritual, physical (just to name a few)!

Last week Joey and I were on our way to cancelling our appt and moving towards adoption. And this week, we've decided to keep the appt. I honestly feel like we don't know what we're doing! I feel so frustrated, I pray and pray and I feel like God doesn't give me much. I see His work all around me, but lately it seems like I can't hear Him!!

And after the flu bug on Thursday/Friday I still feel icky in my stomache, and I don't know if it's truly from the bug, or if it's because I feel so uneasy about everything. I just wish Joey were home, I could use a good shoulder to cry on!

Speaking of Joey, in the last three weeks I have heard him say at least ten times that something made him sad (a new OB patient, seeing a pg woman, a baby etc) This is truly the first time through this process he's shown any kind of emotional involvment other than supporting me. It's hard knowing it makes him sad too, but it's so much better than feeling like I'm all alone in this! For that I praise God! I need to know that my husband is with me in this. And I finally do.

Dear Abby on Mother's day

Thought this was interesting in Dear Abby:

*********************************************************
DEAR ABBY: On Mother's Day, our church has a tradition of asking all the mothers in the congregation to stand for a blessing and recognition of their importance to our community and the job they are doing.

My wife refuses to stand and be recognized by our community as a mother. She says she won't do it because there are some women in our church who are not standing, and some of them might not be able to be mothers and may be hurt at the recognition the others are receiving.

I realize that infertility may be a great loss to them, but these women live with it every day. I doubt that our church's annual recognition of mothers will add more pain than those women already endure. Don't you agree? -- PROUD HUSBAND AND FATHER IN THE MIDWEST

DEAR PROUD HUSBAND AND FATHER: No, I do not agree. Your wife is a woman with unusual sensitivity and empathy for the feelings of others. I respect her stance on remaining seated, and so should you.

Flowers on mother's day

I read a quote recently that said,

" Thank you for asking, I am a mother; I just don't have any children yet"

I thought this was a great quote. Women who suffer through miscarriages or IF are mothers at heart, we just haven't been given a child to mother yet!

Mother's day, as you can imagine, can be a very tough holiday for those who've had M/C or IF. So many women are praised and adorned right in front of us (at church for example) while we sit back wishing so badly for what they're praised for. Many women even feel shame for not being able to step up and be apart of that group. While I don't struggle with shame, I do feel the sense of loss. I'm grieving a child that doesn't even exist.

So I emailed my associate pastor at church and informed him I would be sending over a boquet of tulips for the front of the church. I asked him is when they made the mother's day speech (ask women to stand and be applauded etc), if they would mention that the flowers in the front are for women who have suffered m/c or are going through IF. For they are mothers at heart.

I am very excited about this idea and I hope it will spur them to continue to do it from years on out. Hopefully next mother's day I will have a child of my own, or at least be close! But for now, this is for the women in my church who feel like me. (oh and by the way, we won't be at church on mother's day, we're doing the walk for the cure... so no selfish intentions here!! I'm tired of feeling selfish, so this feels good!)

I posted this idea on my nest board and low and behold, four other women got on the ball and emailed their pastors as well. What a great way to share God's word. The internet! :-)

Well that's it, I just wanted to share that this mother's day would hopefully be slightly less painful for many women in my church and other churches around (I plan on hounding my dad to do the same at his church!).

Great quote

I saw this quote today and it pretty much sums up how I feel inside about Infertility:

"The problem with infertility is that I am mourning children that do not exist, and I'm the only one that misses them."

Still hanging in there..

I'm still doing good, although I did have an emotional breakdown today (inside, not on the outside!) I got an offer to have an appt with the Dr 11 days early and Joey said no because of his schedule. I don't know why but for like 2 seconds, the thought of seeing the Dr 2 weeks earlier felt like such a ray of hope in my life. And then 2 seconds later it was dashed. It was stupid.. completely stupid... I wished it wouldn't have happened :-(

Also today I had a terrible realization. I realized that because we're having issues getting pregnant and I'm to the point where I am starting to assume it might be 2 years (At least) before we get pregnant (we're on month #20) I find myself feeling entitled to a certain amount of respect. Like if I finally do get my BFP (big fat positive) that I should somehow deserve more attention, or excitement. Or in the meantime I should deserve praise for what I've been through. It's a really terrible place to be, because I know I don't deserve a child anymore than the next person and I certainly am not interested in becoming prideful about something as horrible as infertility!! If I'm going to have pride, let it least be about something worth boasting over! I know this is something I seriously need to start praying about because this is a bad place to be and I don't want to feel entitled, or worthy or have any prideful thoughts when God finally does choose to bless us with a baby! (or in the meantime).

This is something I could definitely use prayer for.

Thank you. From the bottom of my heart. Thank you.

Not much new here

I see it's been a while since I've written again. Really there's not much new here. I'm just enjoying a week off before the wedding season officially starts.

I'm also anxiously awaiting our dr appt in two weeks. I really feel like everything is weighing on that.

Anyways, just wanted to give you an update. I'm doing alright.

Thanks!